I've just spent the better part of my day in front of the computer and wasting my life away on stupid computer games that I can't beat anyway. I spent the rest of my day staring into space and wondering what's making me feel this way. I just don't care. I want to care but I just don't. I think I'm not afraid of failing because I don't realize the consequences. But I've been through so many consequences that I'm getting used to being beat down with that giant rottan that God has. So I lay out the consequences in front of me. And still I feel... nothing. Not an inkling of disappointment, regret or even anger. Just a numbness that's so compelling that I can only wonder what will become of me in the future. I am not sad, not happy, not relieved that the exams are going to be over, not dreading the big 'YOU FAILED, YOU DIPSHIT' on my result slip, not thinking about how I will have to spend the next month studying again, not worrying that I won't pass... What the heck is happening to me? Could God please just give me a feeling? It's like I've just turned into a piece of scrap metal.
So I'm thinking that it's the things that's happened in the past 3 weeks or so that's giving me a brain bung. You know... like a big stopper that prevents anything from falling through. All the incidents leading up to now, I have never in my life thought would've happened. But those are exactly what Life, in general, likes throwing at us. In any case, I thought I had resolved them but since I'm still stuck in limbo now, I think maybe I haven't. I didn't sweep it under the carpet like I usually do, I talked it out with myself... forgave where was necessary to release burden that I shouldn't carry around with me, told myself it was mistake and mistakes happen and I should learn from them, and here I am. I suppose it's not as easy as that. I don't hurt and cry now, but I don't live either. I think I need a shrink, or some sort of counsellor. I'm calmly going mental. Isn't that ironic? Calmly and mental don't mix.
Everyone around me is in exam mode. They are studying and stressing about passing. I am sitting around and saying, "I'm going to fail anyway" and they go, "If you fail, I'll cut IT off". Looks like someone will have to, cause I'm definitely going down that road.
Belief is a very strong concept. I have an uncanny ability to believe in something so much that it'll happen. Of course it doesn't always work, but it's worked enough times during exams like spotting things that'll come up that has got a few people convinced. Today, I don't believe I will fail. I still don't have that in my head. However, from the unreliability of my brain and my fumbling hands, I might because of sheer evidence :P fact still strongly overtakes the intangible, no?
So I'm thinking that it's the things that's happened in the past 3 weeks or so that's giving me a brain bung. You know... like a big stopper that prevents anything from falling through. All the incidents leading up to now, I have never in my life thought would've happened. But those are exactly what Life, in general, likes throwing at us. In any case, I thought I had resolved them but since I'm still stuck in limbo now, I think maybe I haven't. I didn't sweep it under the carpet like I usually do, I talked it out with myself... forgave where was necessary to release burden that I shouldn't carry around with me, told myself it was mistake and mistakes happen and I should learn from them, and here I am. I suppose it's not as easy as that. I don't hurt and cry now, but I don't live either. I think I need a shrink, or some sort of counsellor. I'm calmly going mental. Isn't that ironic? Calmly and mental don't mix.
Everyone around me is in exam mode. They are studying and stressing about passing. I am sitting around and saying, "I'm going to fail anyway" and they go, "If you fail, I'll cut IT off". Looks like someone will have to, cause I'm definitely going down that road.
Belief is a very strong concept. I have an uncanny ability to believe in something so much that it'll happen. Of course it doesn't always work, but it's worked enough times during exams like spotting things that'll come up that has got a few people convinced. Today, I don't believe I will fail. I still don't have that in my head. However, from the unreliability of my brain and my fumbling hands, I might because of sheer evidence :P fact still strongly overtakes the intangible, no?
Close your eyes so you don't feel this/They don't need to see you cry.
1 comments:
psst.. your brother misses you back home. haha <3 come home for a change of scenery and everything
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