9th July 2005
7.30pm
I'm at a cousins' party. Everyone here is at least 5 years younger than I am, except my uncle and aunt. I feel old. I've got my lecture notes with me and my only saving grace is the Simple Plan cd playing in the stereo. Someone once told me I'd feel old when I hit twenty. Actually, I don't feel any different. I'm still unsure of myself most times and more often than not I'm worried I'll never become an adult, that my naive mistakes will keep cycling through and before I know it I'll still be alone when I'm 50. I might look the way I look but honestly, it doesn't matter. Nope, it doesn't.
9.00pm
Never pass up a free meal. I ate till I was ready to burst. I caught people staring while I made my walk to and fro the food table. I like shocking people, but lately I've shocked even myself. I'm becoming poor for reasons other than food and shopping so I'm glad I've got home-cooked food in my stomach and am going to sleep in a house with a real family in it. It's been a while since I felt part of something.
10.30pm
I'm struck by another panic attack. This time there is nothing to hold on to. I am helpless and there are no sticks to keep my hands busy. There is no one I can talk to. I'm stuck.
7.30pm
I'm at a cousins' party. Everyone here is at least 5 years younger than I am, except my uncle and aunt. I feel old. I've got my lecture notes with me and my only saving grace is the Simple Plan cd playing in the stereo. Someone once told me I'd feel old when I hit twenty. Actually, I don't feel any different. I'm still unsure of myself most times and more often than not I'm worried I'll never become an adult, that my naive mistakes will keep cycling through and before I know it I'll still be alone when I'm 50. I might look the way I look but honestly, it doesn't matter. Nope, it doesn't.
9.00pm
Never pass up a free meal. I ate till I was ready to burst. I caught people staring while I made my walk to and fro the food table. I like shocking people, but lately I've shocked even myself. I'm becoming poor for reasons other than food and shopping so I'm glad I've got home-cooked food in my stomach and am going to sleep in a house with a real family in it. It's been a while since I felt part of something.
10.30pm
I'm struck by another panic attack. This time there is nothing to hold on to. I am helpless and there are no sticks to keep my hands busy. There is no one I can talk to. I'm stuck.
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