Random Thought Bubbles

Ramblings on of someone still finding the way

I'm back home! After a tiring day in the plane, running around Miri and in the car on the way back, I'm in my brother's room typing. I didn't realize how much I missed home. I guess it'll happen to everyone some time or another. My plane ride can't be termed excellent, or horrible but I had the good luck of having 3 aunties in front of me gossiping away in Mandarin (not that I have anything against it. They were just talking too loud and for too long. I WANTED TO SLEEP!) and a very fidgety lady behind me who couldn't stop sighing and tsk tsking and getting up to check something in the overhead compartment every once in a while.

My feelings right now: Happy I'm back, glad that Brunei hasn't changed much (although that definitely is a sign of decrepit. haha... but that's my home for you), glad to feel at home when I walked in the door, glad to step into my old room with all it's old memories and all those little trinkets I keep, extremely glad to be away from my vista room and KL. I suppose I'm also a creature of change and too much stagnating in one place makes me plain. Not in much of a philosophical mood right now. I'm just happy. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :)

I had a drinking party at my place last night. However, I left 30min after the first bottle was opened to go clubbing. So, I don't know how it went. I'm usually a better host, but I don't think my friends minded :P They seemed to have had a pretty good time when I strolled in my door at 5am feeling like a 'shaken not stirred' martini and being amused at the way everything was strewn on the tables, sofas and what not. Clubbing wasn't really fun, but it was very therapeutic, if I am allowed to call it that. At last some sort of closure, although there is always a chance of relapse but I'm not about to allow that to happen, again. I got up this morning with a messed up house and cleaned it up best I could with my queasy self. At least I can see the tabletop now, but I'm being dramatic.

I just got my results. I calmly opened the slip when everyone around me had shaking hands or was too excited. It was interesting to not care about what was in the slip. I passed, thank God. My in-course assessments pulled up my grades somewhat but I passed the finals itself too but I think barely. Now I am left with time to choreograph for cheerleading and learn pilates. Sounds like the start of a pretty eventful holiday.

I'm looking forward to going home. I haven't looked forward to going home for a while.

Moth

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A moth scatters dust in my room
She is beautiful without being vivid

Again I am ugly, impatient
In Life's waiting room, too often

Angry at this sister I have, or think
I do. Only to find her invisible

Dissolving into empty vapour as
The seconds tick through this thick

Glass. The moth comes to visit me.
And I see I am a brute, who is

No longer acting, because there is
No more script left to play and she

Is singing the words by heartstrings
Knowing each step is against herself.

Laughing at the irony of curveballs.
Love is, a double edged sword, we

So willingly burn flowers and words for.
I, the Goddess, am again the Slave.

Closer

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You know what's a good movie? Closer. I haven't watched a good movie in a long time. This one's got Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts and one other fellow who's quite famous whose name I can't recall. It's about their relationships and how messed up things get when you have triangles. It's excellent. I love crying to movies and I cried to this one. It's amazing how someone can be so in love one second and so angry the next and how love can make someone do impossible things and how hate and jealousy can make someone so vengeful. It's strange how everyone wants the truth no matter how painful it hits and how Life hits you down so well that after a while you don't even want to know the truth and rather someone lie so you don't hurt. Ignorance is bliss so they say. Today I'd like to be ignorant.

I've a greyish tinge to my skin I can't explain. I'm on borrowed light that's becoming dim as the days progress. Now I'm sure I've plunged off the edge because I have the time. My hands don't scratch but they make invisible traces on the tabletop of your name, over and over. I'd love to start over with another name and another place, where no one knows me.

Men are crap, but I like them all the same. Boys are worse, because they don't know what they want. One thing they all have in common is that they don't say what they don't mean. And when you ask a question they can't answer, they don't say a thing. No matter the desperation for words, "I don't know what to say." "What do you want me to say?" "I don't know." And the loops keeps going.

I know what it feels like to have someone who used to love you around. It is just as if he became a stranger overnight. I realize again I never really knew him in the first place.

It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and all the glittering assholes who appreciate 'art' say it's beautiful cause that's what they want to see... but the people in the photos are sad. And alone, but the pictures make the world seem beautiful so, the exhibition's reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone likes a big fat lie.

Silence

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Midnight quiet reminds me of desperate times, of those periods when I thought I wouldn't survive. Just like being terminally ill, except, I'm not. I've forgotten what it's like to live normally. It's strange how everything can change so much, yet we can still adapt and only realize too late how drastic things have become. Now I try not to ask questions and take them as they come, those arrows that sting but yet I so embrace.

So I take another drag from the cup of life. This time it is bittersweet like the aftertaste of a once passionate relationship gone bad. I'm not too concerned about the future - there is nothing to look forward to. I've lost my fire again.

Oh why does my mind tell me I'm doing it all wrong, that it's time to move on to yet another foreign land? Why am I always waiting? It's not fair but I'm still doing it. I'm so tired of feeling like a milkshake. I'm craving for something more permanent than these transient meetings that leave me confused. I know they are no more than they are, just a temporary release, but I wish they could be. I've learnt not to read more into things, they don't exist. I've hid my emotions so well, I can't even voice them out now. Just as if the words dissipate when I grab at them.

Got back from Redang last night. It was a blast! The water was clear blue and there were 40 odd of us in the same resort. A combination of friends, berboraking in the sea and at all hours, wearing my swim suit all day (I didn't get a bikini in time :P), having sand in my pants for 3 days straight and going snorkelling was really good. It made everyone forget about exams and the rest of the world. A big plus was the Rainbow, Graveyard, Chivas and Vodka and doing flips on the beach (although I messed one up and got a mouthful of sand but since I was already woozy, I don't think I cared all that much:P). The moon wasn't really out, it was really cloudy but it was still a lot of fun! I got to go kayaking and saw a whole lot of coral and fish... but doing that for 2 days ain't much fun after a while :P I didn't get to see the baby sharks though... me not being able to swim at all and someone telling me, "just bring your goggles and tube then... should be fine." I panicked and had a very tanned lifeguard save me. haha... no good looking guys on the beach though, which was nothing special... wasn't looking out for one anyway :P Most of the guys got sunburnt, since they all didn't wanna wear sunblock... not macho so it seems. I'm tanned again but gladly not burnt. My SPF 30 BananaBoat Grape Smelling For Kids sunblock works like a charm. It was funny feeling like I was still at sea when I was still on the beach. Like having a high when I haven't even had a drop. All in all a really good holiday even though the food sucked and the place we were staying in was undergoing some major renovations but we walked the stretch of beach and found good volleyball places, and I got buried in the sand and made a very busty mermaid! :) One really big turn off was our room which stank to high heaven of sewage but after sitting in it for about 5 min everything smells the same. haha. There weren't many nice shells to pick so I got 3 nice bracelets from the souvenier shop before we left and a towel that's purple and says 'REDANG' with little fish all over the place.

Another yucky thing is my camera didn't work... it ran out of battery before we left and I didn't have time to get a new one. Oh well, time to leech pictures off other people's digicams.

I also didn't get viva... so I think I'm definitely failing. I guess once in my life isn't such a bad thing :P

Rain, wash away these stains
That I no longer lay claim.
That hands on this clock,
Appear to have stopped.

Probable futures stand in my way.
Uncertain, I am stepping in
Each cactus patch imaginable.

Rose bushes sticking thorns
In every curve of my self.
My body is telling me
This is not right, but I am helpless.

I've just spent the better part of my day in front of the computer and wasting my life away on stupid computer games that I can't beat anyway. I spent the rest of my day staring into space and wondering what's making me feel this way. I just don't care. I want to care but I just don't. I think I'm not afraid of failing because I don't realize the consequences. But I've been through so many consequences that I'm getting used to being beat down with that giant rottan that God has. So I lay out the consequences in front of me. And still I feel... nothing. Not an inkling of disappointment, regret or even anger. Just a numbness that's so compelling that I can only wonder what will become of me in the future. I am not sad, not happy, not relieved that the exams are going to be over, not dreading the big 'YOU FAILED, YOU DIPSHIT' on my result slip, not thinking about how I will have to spend the next month studying again, not worrying that I won't pass... What the heck is happening to me? Could God please just give me a feeling? It's like I've just turned into a piece of scrap metal.

So I'm thinking that it's the things that's happened in the past 3 weeks or so that's giving me a brain bung. You know... like a big stopper that prevents anything from falling through. All the incidents leading up to now, I have never in my life thought would've happened. But those are exactly what Life, in general, likes throwing at us. In any case, I thought I had resolved them but since I'm still stuck in limbo now, I think maybe I haven't. I didn't sweep it under the carpet like I usually do, I talked it out with myself... forgave where was necessary to release burden that I shouldn't carry around with me, told myself it was mistake and mistakes happen and I should learn from them, and here I am. I suppose it's not as easy as that. I don't hurt and cry now, but I don't live either. I think I need a shrink, or some sort of counsellor. I'm calmly going mental. Isn't that ironic? Calmly and mental don't mix.

Everyone around me is in exam mode. They are studying and stressing about passing. I am sitting around and saying, "I'm going to fail anyway" and they go, "If you fail, I'll cut IT off". Looks like someone will have to, cause I'm definitely going down that road.

Belief is a very strong concept. I have an uncanny ability to believe in something so much that it'll happen. Of course it doesn't always work, but it's worked enough times during exams like spotting things that'll come up that has got a few people convinced. Today, I don't believe I will fail. I still don't have that in my head. However, from the unreliability of my brain and my fumbling hands, I might because of sheer evidence :P fact still strongly overtakes the intangible, no?

Close your eyes so you don't feel this/They don't need to see you cry.

One more day left before I can pretend that everything went well and relax because I pretend I deserve it. I suppose with all that's happened around me, this is understandable. But I am not accepting it as understandable. I know I could've done better, but why didn't I? I gave up at the worst of times, in the middle of papers and while having to think about something. My mind went into blank spasms and I wondered what I was doing there in the first place. I'm not smart. I'm just a memorizing machine... who's broken at the moment and can't remember anything. So the examinations are going to hell and I'm in a fiery chariot falling into that same chasm, on a straight course to crashing and burning. Here's to all those times everyone thought I was smart. I'm not.

I'm going to fail and I'm not doing anything about it. My mind refuses to be educated and I think there's something I'm not telling myself. I'm a mental basketcase who doesn't know she's got a problem.

Miracles

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Second day of exams...

If I pass, it's a miracle. I don't want to believe that I might fail. But I did too many things wrongly. Not because I didn't study but because I've got everything mixed up in my head. Nothing sticks to where it's supposed to be. And today's exam was just another repetition of yesterday's, if not worse. But I think it was worse. Actually, even if I did study like nuts... which I did... I wouldn't have done any better. You know why? I can't remember anything! So there... Looks like I won't be doing pilates anymore. Study study till my eyes pop out.

I think I'll stick my head in my cupboard and scream now. My head is empty and my spirit broken. Tomorrow I'll stand in front of the SP and the examiner and screw up. I'm already readying myself to see the fail mark in my result slip. And so life goes on.

Just got back from my SAQ paper. It wasn't a bad paper but I forgot alot of things. I don't have the usual brain ache I get after the exam, meaning I didn't use my brain much, or maybe I've just gotten used to having my brain strained. Either way, I made alot of mistakes and I'm thinking I could borderline pass... but I'm being optimistic. Tomorrow will be another written paper that I'll probably mess up. This is getting to be a recurrent theme. Mess up after mess up. Ugh. I'm tired of studying the same pieces of papers, but I also can't remember them. Bla di da.

Time for pictures. Maybe they'll be easier to bullshit through.

Nap time. I've not had a dream for a long time. Sleeping like the dead and not having dreams makes napping boring. Hope I don't sleep through my alarm again.

Hello world. Tomorrow I will walk into the exam hall and be the least confident of an exam I have ever been. I have spent the last month preparing for it. It will all go down the drain tomorrow. I am afraid and apathetic at the very same time. I've resigned to taking the resit and not having my holidays to relax. I've gone over my stuff again but in such a rush that everything is a blur and my head feels like mush. I don't know if I will breakdown in front of my paper tomorrow because I know I won't know squat. I'm going to sleep now because statistically that's supposed to help me do better. I suppose I even need statistical luck at this rate. And the 4 day stretch of brain strain will be over too quickly, then I will realize I could've answered alot of things correctly if only I had used my brain. But that's the story of everyone's life... Life would easier if we had a rewind-replay and a backspace button... or a very big eraser to make mistakes disappear.

The conflagration looms menacing over me... I am standing still to be struck.

It's 10pm... a few more hours I will be so stressed I'll start to pull out my hair and scratch at my head and wonder why I do this to myself. My brother just told me what I got for my last exam. I'm just glad I passed. Good news for the day. :P I think it's time I start studying more constantly... right...

The exams start Monday. I'm not ready, but here I am still posting a blog. I'm left with a gazillion lectures notes to finish by Sunday night and a gazillion pictures to memorize before Tuesday. Oh joy. The only consolation is Redang the night my exams finish. There won't be time to wonder if I did anything else wrong and at least there's a different place to blow off steam. ergh... even the 5 days are a long wait... sigh... back to the lecture notes. Time seems to be passing slower today. Imagined extension of study time... haha... I'm growing more delusional as this paragraph lengthens... no sleep tonight... too much to do so I can sleep tomorrow before going into the exam hall. I know I'm going to feel like a lamb trudging in to be slaughtered, and so willingly... :P

Today I'm in a good mood. But I'm also stressed out beyond belief. Exams are next week, and I'm not ready! I'm looking at my notes and I know my stuff but I just can't seem to recall anything when it comes to questions. So maybe I don't really know my stuff. Ugh! And every morning I wake up with a bad back and aches all over the place. I'm hoping the Pilates I take when I get back home will help. I'm thinking about learning the drums too... but I know I'd be too lazy when I get back. :P

You know what? People who are exs can't be friends. Not normal ones anyway. Certainly not when one person still harbours hopes. It pisses me off. It pisses me off so much I don't know what to say besides #%$&#*@^#%$&%*^ Ok, so that doesn't mean anything. It is always easier to disappear. So I think it best I disappear.

I'm hungering for attention. I'm a wild flower with no sun. I'm also a drama queen. Ugh. I'm such a softy.

Falling out of love is like going into withdrawal. I've been through it too many times. The worst time is the second night when I realize all the mistakes I did and everything that could've been done different. I'm in withdrawal. Symptoms: Bouts of anguish followed by bouts of feeling like I shouldn't bother, looking at couples and wishing I could be back where I was, sitting around and staring into space, thinking of reasons to think myself out of these feelings, sighing whenever something reminds me, etc. Treatment: Time passing by.

At least there's a cure for these things.

Today I woke up thinking about all my ventures. The first two didn't count because they were puppy loves. The third one cheated on me and I left. I cheated on the fourth one and I left. We cheated on each other in the fifth one and I finally left. And finally when I didn't love anyone else but my fifth one, he left. Actually, I'm not the pretty girl everyone leaves like I thought I was. I just get my heartbroken each time because I put all of myself into each. Sheesh, I'm a failure when it comes to this. Oh well, as you were soldier. Time to move on. Again.

9th July 2005

7.30pm
I'm at a cousins' party. Everyone here is at least 5 years younger than I am, except my uncle and aunt. I feel old. I've got my lecture notes with me and my only saving grace is the Simple Plan cd playing in the stereo. Someone once told me I'd feel old when I hit twenty. Actually, I don't feel any different. I'm still unsure of myself most times and more often than not I'm worried I'll never become an adult, that my naive mistakes will keep cycling through and before I know it I'll still be alone when I'm 50. I might look the way I look but honestly, it doesn't matter. Nope, it doesn't.

9.00pm
Never pass up a free meal. I ate till I was ready to burst. I caught people staring while I made my walk to and fro the food table. I like shocking people, but lately I've shocked even myself. I'm becoming poor for reasons other than food and shopping so I'm glad I've got home-cooked food in my stomach and am going to sleep in a house with a real family in it. It's been a while since I felt part of something.

10.30pm
I'm struck by another panic attack. This time there is nothing to hold on to. I am helpless and there are no sticks to keep my hands busy. There is no one I can talk to. I'm stuck.

The day is ending and a warm yellow glow is enveloping this place. It reminds me of old pictures and old memories. This is not a melancholic swipe at time. I miss being a little girl. I grew up too fast, but of course I didn't listen to anyone when they told me that before. I have pictures of me when I was younger. There's one of me standing on a little wooden stand in a playground. I must've been 3 or 4. I don't remember the moment. I do remember the moments after that. We had lunch and it was a clubhouse by the beach. It's a fragile memory that dissolves if I try to clear out the blurred edges.

There was a time in kindergarten when I went to play with the birds instead of going straight back to class after making a short trip to the loo. The teacher called me in and hit me on the hand with a wooden ruler, twice. It wasn't the pain that I remember most. It was the humiliation. But I don't cringe when I look back at that time. I just think, how simple life was.

It's now a reddish-orange and that reminds me of home when I'm looking out my room window thinking how the sky is God's canvas and how I never get tired of admiring a sunset. I'm not homesick though. Just missing little moments in time.

Old habits are difficult to break. Even something as simple as a cup of coffee in the morning. I'm breaking so many old habits I'm beginning to think I'm not myself anymore. My phone is silent most of the day and I don't pick it up much. I still imagine I hear it ringing, but instead of running to see I sit still hoping for the moment to pass without temptations to check... because I know it didn't ring. A habit broken. I know I'm paranoid. I give good advice but don't follow them myself. My thoughts are in boxes instead of all over the place like they'd use to be. And I sigh whenever something reminds me and swallow yet another rock, instead of seeking refuge in another one of my escapades. I'm choosing to face everything and be inflicted till I don't feel anything anymore. Except for what's in a box on top of my cupboard. That I am not ready for.

Put on my pjs and hop into bed/I'm half alive but I've been mostly dead/I try and tell myself it'll be all right/I shouldn't think anymore tonight.

Band-Aid

Posted by Marilyn comments (1)

Weak stick, I'm a bad
Dick,
When it comes to endings.


Rip it, I'll scream

.......Bloody

..............Murder.


(Shut it), my hands
Are
Bound... free.

What wings? I've had
Them
Burnt.

Jack stack, I'm a
M a s o c h i s t hack;
.......Licking slick,
.......on a band-aid hand.


..............Slow trick, of a
.......Sleight of sick -
I am the
.............Murderer's Man.

Being alone in the house ain't good for health. I don't know how hermits do it. That's how people go nuts. Morning sunshine keeps me sane but it's the nights that I can't take. It's just like my sense of control sets with the sun. I'm having my morning coffee and thinking about how my day is going to repeat. I'm looking forward to getting my exams out of the way. I'm looking forward to blowing off steam with my friends at the beach. I'm looking forward to going back to my old room and my brother. Home and my brother, that's concrete. Even going back home is a good change of pace.

It's funny how I take extra notice of what's going on around me when I'm feeling like this. Like when I'm walking out to get some grub, I think... It's so easy to just decide to walk off a roof or jump in front of a car. But I'm being morbid. Really it's just the radio just played a song I thought really suited the situation. It's not one I've never heard before and it's not one of those songs that mean anything... I don't even know the title but only these words stick...

All of those words, they don't mean shit now. All the presents, might as well throw 'em out. All of those kisses, don't mean a thing now.

Funny how that happens.

Words and feelings are too transient. I need something concrete.

Toy

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I am the torn-up toy in the corner,
The ugly girl doll,
The pretty girl without the brains,
The good-for-nothing bum.

Rise again to face another day,
Dirtied by yesterday's mistakes,
We'll always be able to endure,
More than we think we can, or
Want to.

It's the afternoon and time is passing me by. I'm going to watch 'Desperate Housewives' while I go through my stuff, again. I keep going over the same things and they keep dissipating in my head. And it's not like I don't understand them. I just keep forgetting. ARGH!

I've come to the conclusion that blogging is for people who don't have people to talk to. I have people to talk to but I choose not to whine to them too much. People don't like listening to it for too long or too many times.

Brain don't fail me now.

I can't remember anything! It's like my memory got erased and it's not doing anything for my morale that I'm not in the best of moods. I'm struck with moments of pure helplessness and then suddenly it becomes frustration at the world for throwing me into chaos again. Now I'm typing instead of studying. Gosh, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to calm myself down but coffee's not a good thing to have. I want to sleep it all away but that's being unrealistic. I can't make up my mind whether to push myself further or just keep going at this pace. I know I'm capable of more but...

I just don't want to fail. I have enough bad news to last me for a long time.

I could never figure out why I lose weight when I'm down. It's just as if being sad takes up all the excess energy I had that day. So, I'm losing weight, even though I'm eating a little more than I normally would. And all this studying is making my head hurt and I'm not sure if I can remember everything. It makes me anxious. When I'm gaining weight again, I know I'm finally happy. For now, I'm trying not to disappear. It's scary when even my friends begin to notice how spindly my legs are beginning to be, and the nice tight pair of jeans I just bought are looking drab against me. Or maybe I'm just scaring myself.

I'm a lost sheep. Save me.

So I wait for the sun to meet me
Rueful moon smile ever so sadly
I'm the victim of circumstances
I so readily conjure.

And these metal bars can't hold me
Only these feelings do.

My mind can do convulsions
Psychadelic swirls of doped-up
Anger,
Fury,
Injustice.

But I've never been one to make a fist.
Each thorn, stone, sword
I have taken.
Begging to be inflicted
Again and again.
As if repetition kept me alive.

Sadness and boredom played evil tricks
On a happy mind, once
Like mine.

That I could not undo my own chains
Is unforgiveable.
That I can only sit and watch
As each one turns their back
To walk away into another black light.
And the silence that ensues
When realization sets in
When Sandmen desert me and only water
Water stains my hands, and face
Even now, there is no water.
Oh, favoured friend you are not welcome.

The little girl in my heart
Is beaten
For being so young.

My bruised hands speak only
Of grasping too violently
For more time.

The last traces of a person are the most difficult to erase. They are the memories, the sounds, the scents, the intangibles that are most precious. Throw out a box of gifts... so sad how time can fit in a box, but your mind is forever stained. And I've never been able to throw things out. I suppose it's time I change even that. Stop carrying burdens I don't need and don't hold precious anymore. But I'm left with this one box I cannot throw out. It is too precious.

I'm thinking of moving on, but I'm afraid everything will turn out exactly the same.

The scene keeps playing in my head, each time with a different happier ending. That something else could've been said, or done or not said or not done. But wishful thinking never got me anywhere.

So I let go off pain for now because I cannot invest my time in it. So I have to begin forgiving myself for all the things I'd done wrong, and remember not to do them again. They're just things I've got to do. I still can't change the fundamentals. The memories stick like super glue.

It is a sad day when two people have to say goodbye. It is a sad day when all that you hold important and dear is wrenched away. It is a sad day when you realize it was all done for your own good but cannot accept it. I cannot say how sad it makes me. It would make a leak I am trying to dam burst through and then I am not sure if I can return.

Exams coming up soon. I am behind. Half of me doesn't want to care anymore. The other half is the part that's always pulled me through times like these. But that half isn't very dominant now. My mind is not in my work most days. I can only hope that things go the right way from now on.

Back to work. And I'm back at zero.

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