Random Thought Bubbles

i didn't know this video was on youtube haha.

from the reminiscence imu ball...

gosh, i miss kl and i miss vista and i miss that time and i miss all that... haih...

it was the weekend...

so i was craving some comedy to cheer me up

and when you can't have romance in real life the next best thing is to simulate falling in love watching a movie. the troughs and highs of a fast forward whirlwind romance in the confines of a 2 and a half something hour movie. heart skipping a beat, breath taken away, heart wrenching, pulse quickening, happifying... with play, stop and rewind too. but i use the phrase falling in love too loosely. i guess the better phrase would be falling in infatuation. but it doesn't sound quite as romantic, no?

this time the movie was 'drink drank drunk'. some canto movie with daniel wu in it. he still has lousy slurry canto but he's good looking so who cares. and with a happy ending everybody's hunky dory for a while. it's a pretty good movie to watch when in need of cheering up. i thought so anyway.

i'm glad we have brainless romantic comedies to fall back on.

she woke up one morning to realize that nothing's going to be able to change things. that the damage done is irreparable and all there is left to do is to move. what if she moves on only to realize that everything is really the same thing in a different order and everything before was all she ever wanted?

the weekend is here. no paper storm. just a slight longing at the back of the head. a vague grey feeling.

she woke up one morning to realize that the small things can be done but it will be too late. there is only the stubborn headstrongness that keeps knocking. she must try but is it worth trying?

i'm just a little tired.

what is love? what is this thing called love? why does it have to be so hard? why does it become hard even when it was easy?

i've been churning out quite a bit of rubbish. so it's time for the blog to go dead for a while. i'll check back in in a few weeks... or when i finally have something nice to say.

bright flashing bits of string
flickering in the windy cold
each strand another old story
a little shining, a little memory
a forgotten folded photo

parts of an antique picture frame
flaking paint on the floor
old, everything's old
every word's been said before
every story told

layer upon layer of colour
over colour over love
over hate over pain
over dull over boredom
over confusion over empty
over insecurity

then layer skin over skin
over skin over skin
every layer hugged close
for fear of exposure
in the end
staying a mystery

to everyone
and myself

been studying for surgery osce that's in 2 days... well one more day really

then i went to check out the past year paper resources. die lah. most of the time the answers are vaguely somewhere in my head and the questions are familiar but nothing comes out properly. the surgery osces are formative and all but what about the finals?!!?!?

how to become doctor like this... can't even remember simple things.

hmmm...

but it's keeping me occupied and busy which is good... less time to muck around and be emo for no reason.

dbt group is helping a little. this week's homework is to be less judgmental and look at things and make useful statements instead. focus on a useful action when tackling something rather than mucking around. and tackle one thing at a time. yes, it is such an obvious thing and everyone should know that but if i knew that i wouldn't fulfill the bpd/hpd criteria then... hmmm... lots of things to unlearn and learn.

most days i'm afraid to speak too much. because i ask strange questions and i appear different. and that makes me interesting.

and i'm afraid to dazzle. isn't that weird? i'm afraid to dazzle.

i miss my own spontaneity. haha. haven't done something spontaneously fun for a while.

study study... eck. good thing it's just a formative.

so i went to church today.

be still, my heart
be silent

tahan, tahan. tomorrow will be monday...

my comp's acting up again. some days it just hangs and same days it says it doesn't want to start. what the heck. i haven't been mistreating it at all. eesh.

here comes the weekend. it's only 2 days but a paper storm easily erupts within that time. tahan tahan =P

paed's surgery on monday =)

the pie/cake habis. i just had to keep telling people someone stole a piece the night before. haha. and nurses do like cake alright. haha.

so i came up here and blogged about making a cake just now

i was happily revelling in a little pleasure

and i took a pen down to write a note for the cake to not be removed

and find that someone has taken a pretty big chunk out of it.

WTF man. WTF

gone for about 15min at the most and someone has already marrred a just done cake.

i hope whoever it was chokes on it or gets diarrhoea from that little bit he/she took or his balls shivel and fall off. die you bloody idiot die.

so leh, i join online dbt class. that's dialectical behaviour therapy

konon it's the treatment for borderline personality disorder.

we'll see how far that goes.

since borderlines are notorious for stopping short and not responding to therapy.

haha. i'm just bored. at least i keep getting mail from them. always have mail to check. haha.

back hurts like a truck load of monkeys jumping on my lower back. no... more like someone pinching the nerve between thumb and forefinger and slowly pulling and letting go. feels like my leg's gonna fall off if i don't flex my gluteus muscles.

okay, that's my drama for the day. i realize as the week progresses i get a little happier. but when the weekend comes, it's the slums again. hmmm... maybe i can't have weekends.

chance meetings are all that's needed

a look, a moment.

like hooking fish. a flick of a wrist at the right time. but i've never been fishing before =P

i'm watching 1984 when instead i feel like a romantic comedy. i didn't know 1984 was a movie too. haha. 1984 was made in 1984 =P

a little bit of romance would be nice. the romantic in me has been deprived.

(eating chocolate someone gave me for secret santa week... i still don't know who my secret santa was. haha... but no matter. i have chocolate =P)

got my ward assessment form back today. i did better than my partner who is so obviously smarter than me. i guess i was lucky. it was happifying because i barely properly studied for this run. haha. that's just strange.

i'll be in the paeds place next week. it's called starship. so that's gonna be lots of penis problems with babies and appendicitis.

looking forward to my psych run that's coming up next after the bit at starship.

just feeling extremely lazy today. and i don't like that it keeps raining nowadays. for the first time i saw a flash of lightning in auckland today =P

good night, goodnight.

reading more about bpd is like reading a familiar recurrent story just in a different way. there is a funny feeling of recognition as i read the words.

time to sleep... good night good night good night. nah, doesn't sound any different saying it lots of times.

i feel like a broken clock... more like a broken record stuck in repeat play.

i realize i put too much postage on a letter today. that's kinda silly.

just had dinner. just came back from hospital. just feel tired. just feel like falling asleep. just feel like falling.

just feel like sharing the day with someone. not because i need to. but it would be nice.

just feel like... hmmm... too many things to feel like doing. a thick congealed mass of feel-likes.

maybe i shouldn't have been named marilyn. a namesake could also be a problem. nah, i'm just looking for excuses for a lifetime of bad decisions that have carved me a wrong shade deeper than i'd like to admit.

still feeling a little as if i'm not quite here. no one else to project my insecurities on so i flounder in daily existence looking for somewhere to validate or devalidate myself. and then fluctuate between the two wondering what the hell happened to my roots. i constantly uproot myself so that i might feel a little more alive. staying valid or invalid kinda bores me i suppose. i have to constantly stop and question the position. and then i get all confused and lash out in all directions until valid becomes invalid or vice versa. that would be when a paper storm has either exploded or been put back into place... i guess.

the more i typed that last paragraph the less i understood it. haha. i should start constantly questioning my actions instead. that would be far more useful.

isn't it annoying how i almost never have nothing to say about myself?

don't feel like sharing my day with anyone here. so you have to suffer, silly reader =) but people like reading/watching other people's sorrows, no?

nothing very interesting happened today anyway... =P

feeling strange today. feel like i'm not really here. not completely opaque...

i wish i hadn't made a mistake. but the mistake accentuates the need to change because i haven't quite been fixed. if i hadn't made the mistake that would mean i hadn't been upset with the whole thing and that would mean i was completely happy and satisfied. but i wasn't and i was upset and i did make a mistake because i let myself because i'm just that sick. and every internal ingrained flaw i have to rub out. they keep getting in my way. and i keep letting them.

screw this. i'm talking in circles.

back to hospital and back to that semblance of order. i like having work to do. it keeps my mind off everything.

i miss having some place i feel is home.

idle minds do tremendous somersaults. sometimes it may be a good one, sometimes not. i have come to the conclusion that most of the time, my idle mind does the bad kind. so, i have to keep busy. busy, busy bee. there are too many hours in a day. and when night comes too few hours to sleep.

i forget what home feels like. i forget what home is.

not fixed at all. at least i'm starting somewhere.

monday and back to the surgical run

there is some semblance of order to the paper storm chaos from over the weekend.

the back is acting up again and i'm too tired to bother about the questions that keep circling in my head. maybe, what-if, somehow, i wish. too tired for that today.

i'm fine.

so we live by the consequences of our actions

trudge along soldier girl

with your high heels and make-up and pretty clothes

and your eyes pretending to smile

and those lips, glossed and quiet

if only she had had a clear head

fudge

there is not rewind and replay button

i'm angry at myself today

i'll be fine.

i'll be just fine.

3 months passes by. usually the next one comes right about now. like clockwork that cycle.

a junkie cannot love because there is no love to give.

curse the day i came here. curse the day.

things could've been so different.

*kick*

move the fudge along, miss.

"christmas" dinner today. that means free wine again.

2 glasses do make the seconds go by a teensy bit smoother.

having turkey in july feels weird. and christmas songs about a reindeer running over grandma makes it all the weirder.

the R key on my keyboard sticks and sometimes doesn't come up after being pressed. that's annoying.

i think i'm in denial. 4 more stages to go and i'll be healed. 4 more stages.

i almost forget what it feels like to be in my own room in brunei. i almost forget the feeling of being home. i'm not homesick. i miss kecohppl. i miss the times with them. i miss the themed parties. i miss the clubbing. sigh, i miss alot of things.

i'm pseudo-happy here.

i picture my thoughts as pieces of paper in a box or several boxes. little torn out bits of foolscap, post-its, corners of previous notes.

the ones that should still be used have their place on the floor, outside their box. laid out haphazardly to be picked up at a moment's notice. the ones that i still cannot release just yet i put back inside their boxes and shelve. for the ones i can finally throw out i picture a wastepaper basket beside a white door into which these bits of paper go. occasionally the shelved boxes fall off and explode in a paper storm and sometimes i go back to the wastebasket and pick out a thought. the garbageman don't come along very often in these parts.

i am a hoarding procrastinator. it takes a long time for papers to be rewritten or thrown out for good.

paper storm day today. spilt milk. i just need a moment to gather myself.

woke up this morning in a haze of confusion. the darkness felt old. for a moment it felt like time had rewinded and yesterday was the usual play that happens. on demand. the carefully shelved thoughts are strewn all over. carefully shelved but not locked away just yet.

we each of us are voracious. animal hands taking hold of the reigns on a roundabout journey set for nowhere. then coming to an end to break paths again.