Random Thought Bubbles

Ramblings on of someone still finding the way

i have no more words to pretend with.

where is the next?

and a whole year passes. oh how different it could've been.

more mistakes to regret a lifetime.

suddenly it feels as if i have no purpose.

fighting the bpd traits... must keep monsters in pandora's box.

someone once said a long time ago, the many lines on your hands mean you will have many problems in your journey.

and so all i can do is sigh.

the year is almost over.

and things panned out the right way in unwanted circumstances.

won't be the first heart that you break/you won't be the last beautiful girl/the one that you wrecked, won't take you back/if you were the last beautiful girl in the world/

Are you there, God? It's me, Marilyn.

Please let it be that everyone passes the exams.
Please let it be that the past year questions repeat
Please let it be that a sudden rush of information will rain on everyone
Please let it be that everything will be okay.

------------

everytime i go for exams i always picture myself dropping dead right at the door to the exam hall. and i have a sense of impending doom. oh no, oh no, oh no.

experiencing dissociative symptoms...

floating, not quite opaque, not quite here, not quite in focus.

i'm a study in borderline traits... makes remembering the dsm so much easier.

i need a holiday. and something more fulfilling. and i need to pass this bloody exam. at this rate i think i might just fail it...

i think i'm ready now. that's at least good to know. the heart no longer does loop-the-loops and dreams no long plague. come to think of it i hardly have dreams now. must be all the books. if only i could study in my sleep. that would save alot of time. i miss the good times.

i held a baby the other day. i've always been afraid of babies because they're so tiny and so vulnerable i feel i might corrupt them by just holding them. and i also keep thinking that they break easily. but the mom just said could you hold her please while the other kid gets seen.

couldn't say no, right...

everything so tiny and eyes so blue.

and a warm little quiet bundle in my arms. i can see why parents would want to protect the hell out of their kid. the world becomes so much more of a dangerous jungle.

i remember a moth flying into my room, one day, suddenly so long ago.

I've been taking the bus to rural GP. It's a half an hour ride into the countryside where the buses only run by once every 2hrs or so and green as far as the eye can see. The crisp morning wind greets me each day as i make my way to the bus-stop for the 7.30am bus. early day bustle of people going to work and i keep wishing for the summer holidays to creep closer quicker (indeed they are because the days to prepare for exams are dissipating quick) then i sit at the stop imagine i'm waiting for everything else but the bus to rural GP =P

same load of kids get on the bus to school too. the girls have the shortest kilt-patterned skirts i have ever seen as school uniforms. the hems flip-flop so precariously i am always tempted to watch as they traipse down the bus steps because they invariably hop off, and the wind catches and flash of black. they have little short like things underneath but it's ever so wrong. schools should never have skirts that short. even with shorts underneath. don't label me pervert, you all would watch too, from the corner of your beady little eyes you little devils.

then half an hour passes by, i'm drowsy from being shaken way too early in the morning by a bus load of noisy kids. and off to GP i go.

the gp drove me out to the beach today. he really didn't have to but he thought i'd like to see a little more of waimauku. that's where the clinic is.

and i didn't pounce.

what the hell is happening to me?

how do you write something away when it refuses to go? how do you remove the stain? the subconscious psyche says good morning to old marks every morning when every night you say good night and good riddance. days like this it would be nice to have an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind erasure. wouldn't they make a lot of money if it were ethically right.

i tried to read medically unrelated articles today. i learnt that there was once a movement for mail to be sent by rockets. and it was seriously considered until people realized rockets tend to blow up on landing... or rather crashing. and the guy who made it popular was exhiled to germany where he was from. poor mr. zucker. and then i read an article on rats. apparently there's a reserve here in new zealand devoid of rats as are the north and south poles and alberta, canada. apparently. the black rat we see is the rattus rattus. and it's smart enough to be trained to sniff out mines. imagine a whole lot of rats on a minefield sniffing out the bombs. and blowing up if unsuccessful. ew. robots could do that instead but trashed bombed up robots is deemed to be inhumane treatment. but doesn't inhumane mean mean to humans... not robots... people and their opinions.

and then it was the end of me reading totally unmedical articles. i have become wholly uninteresting because of being in medical school. this shouldn't be the case. what happened to me? i'm living in a very grey, very empty bubble of self-absorption with barely enough self to be self-absorbed about. and not being a teenager also means there's no longer an excuse to be obsessed with the unfairness of the world because it's all in the choices we make. it's really our own faults.

the missing part of the house needs to be rebuilt with something more concrete.

where is this thing that will satisfy? i feel a box brimful of hidden aggression with flashes of crashing glass and broken furniture strewn. a prepubertal mass of old habits has been thrown out of this house. but the old lady has her hands stuck with thick honey. the gooey lumps drip down her arms. making a mess on the immaculate marble floor. she thinks this is better than before, but, something is still missing. a large part of the house is missing.

release...

where is the release?

pulling my hair out reading these notes. it's like cramming too much information into a tiny box. and everything keeps spilling back out and blowing away. and re-reading seems to make it all familiar but my tiny brain refuses to focus. there's a non-specific dull ringing at the core like a thick gong being struck incessantly, persistently calling for attention. to which i would like to attend to if only i knew what it wanted.

it's nearing the end of the year. end of the year. i thought that was the time of the year that would take too long to arrive. i guess in a way, it was. i'm in a new place but already i want to move somewhere else. i should be a nomad living out of a suitcase. maybe a travelling doctor. if i make it through med school and make enough money to roam the world. but that would mean having to be alone all the time. i'm not sure i can handle that just yet... although i spend alot of time not talking to people nowadays. but as you can read, i'm beginning to suffer from the effects of being a pseudo-recluse.

but i would go back to kl though. the place just reeks of home. although i was only there for 3 years and didn't know it before then. i would go back to the smog, the city lights, the swanky clubs, shopping malls that are actually malls, my frieeennndsss.maybe i will go back there even though i'd rather not take history in malay or chinese. haha. is this a low-grade homesick?

now i'm beginning to regret not booking a flight back to kl. damn. why oh why did i have such idealistic, unreasonable hopes? lessons, lessons.

i want a whirlwind to happen but i'm still not ready. it's beginning to annoy me, still not being ready. it's like being a gingerbread man on a pan, not allowed out of the oven, because the dough's not completely baked through... almost there but not quite. haha, i just likened myself to a gingerbread man =P maybe i'm just sick of the monotony.

writing about the sea-green dome building and the lake in the movie made me want to find a picture of it again. and because i've completely forgotten the name of the place, i spent a whole hour googling for it but couldn't find it. haha. ah well. it's actually a scene from a few movies that filmed in new york. like serendipity and autumn in new york and boys and girls i think. annoying!! argh! ah well. that's where i wanna go some day. funny ain't it? i wish to go sit in a boat in some lake with a big green dome above me. it's probably central park but for the life of me i can't find the name of the building. and i wanna go sit in the serendipity cafe too. and pretend to write my name and number on a five dollar bill. day dreaaammmiing....

trickle

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

misty light and smokescreens. looking across a bathscape. steam rising off cold skin. many firsts have rolled over and slipped away. a hand slices the calm shiny surface. hits the smooth impersonal porcelain. she asks, what is it you want most?

a voice echoes back. for firsts to be firsts again. and for last looks to last. (it could be possible, couldn't it?)

trickle sink of driplet drops. gurgle of water disturbed. many last looks have faded grey, almost dirty white. too many firsts make all the rest repeats in a different light. she asks, where is it you want to go most?

small voices open up. to that place in the movies, with the lake and the rowboats and the summer sun. (some day a boy and a girl will take a boat ride under that big sea-green dome with the calm waters and the trees)

ring ding quiet sing. where, where is that, that, one earth shattering moment? where the heart skips a beat, no, many beats and feels almost a small bird in an even tinier cage, flitter fluttering. then time stops a moment that lasts just so long. and nothing else exists. a look, a word, a mutual feeling.

some days i think i've already had it and am thankful.

sometimes you have to stand still to think about where you're going ;)

I like this photo! even though it's blurred. Mostly because we have to stand as still as we can in front of the camera for 15secs. As you can see, the other guys couldn't. haha!

timothy and i went to his friend's brother's 21st birthday party. yes, i am deprived enough to not mind attending parties like that =D it was interesting because it was a high school themed party with 'periods' for different 'classes' (meaning games) and every one was supposed to dress up obviously. and appropriately it was held at a hall that's adjacent to a library. very cute, i thought =P and this is my new schoolgirl outfit. =D


so there's carlton on the left, timothy, me and jun wei (whose brother turned 21 today). I miss the kecohppl girls. now have to mengada in front of camera with random people haha


velli the cool lah i think =D timothy's camera and camera skills =D happifying betul to be able to camwhore for a while =))

too many days have passed with me sitting in front of my computer incessantly trying to study while at the same time watching every new episode of every new season of every series imaginable. i think i've become a computer slug/forced bookworm. and the worst part is everything i read goes to naught but i remember what happens in the movies. that can't be good, right? oh my, oh me, oh what to do.

and man do i miss the kecohppl. the group just worked together. haha. ah well. haven't got a party together for such a long time. i miss my van wilder days. sometimes i think i only become sociable with a smather (or rather more) of wine in the bloodstream. lina knows what i'm talking about eh? =P

it's probably the extended period of sitting alone recluse in this room... still euthymic. just craving attention? don't really know. but i am surprised at how fast time flew by without me even noticing. the mess in my room is ever expanding again. hmmm. and i do feel like a robot doing the sleep, go lecture, eat, go lecture, home to study, eat, sleep routine.

these days i tend to just carry monologues on my blog instead of a proper conversation huh? yep, computer slug/bookworm. argh.

sleeeep, sleeeep... my bed calls to me. white sheets envelop me =P

happy 6 month anniversary to me

mood: euthymic

i don't really have anything else to say about that.

just another day at the office.

time really does fly by when you don't notice. it could've been so different. but that's all water under the bridge now.

i wonder what it'll be like another 6 months down the line.

suddenly i feel like there's not enough time. more birthdays coming up and more adult-like milestones to pass. i am kinda afraid of growing older. i don't think i'm stepping right enough times to not regret my youth. gotta work on that.

back to the books. i do so hate exams. been too reclusive these days.

haven't ranted for quite a while.

today i want to rant about headache. i had a headache in the afternoon and that put me out of commission for the rest of the day. man, a headache really knocks me off my feet.

and i still haven't figured out what my premonition was yet. i wonder if it's important. i have a feeling i don't really want to know.

waiting for the new season of grey's anatomy is taking forever. few more days till the 27th but still! it looks to be a very exciting start with meredith's sister in the hospital now too =D

got new craving... hmmm... something sweet, something liquid/icey, something fruity. i feel like having mango-lo... i wanna go ktz... hahah.

that something is wrong...

it's either the oestrogen or it's my spidey senses tingling. haha.

but seriously, there's a nagging feeling that something is wrong.

but what?

the last time i had a mystery craving i finally figured out it was for trail mix.

hope it's nothing big.

been having insomniac nights lately. good thing it's the holidays. it's probably pre-menstrual, all the hormones doing somersault mood swings. just gotta ride it out. and i get too wrapped up in tv series. especially the morose, melancholic kind. i think only girls understand how we sometimes just need a good cry to let the bad air out. although other people just run or box or work-out. i like to have a good cry. it's less energy consuming. and i don't have the stamina to run long enough to satisfy the letting out of bad airness. and being pre-menstrual never helps. haha.

i realize it's strange how the right answer is always 'go home'. when you can't decide whether something is good or bad. Go home. i adopt that philosophy nowadays. can't decide? just go home. home and into bed. a long time ago i loathed being mediocre, being just normal, being just like everyone else. now all i want is normality, routine, simplicity. maintaining the high is far too taxing.

time to try to get to bed. no bad dreams please... keep remembering only those nowadays.

that's a lot of posts =)

was just watching the first episode of the first season of grey's anatomy. i find it strange i actually learn mnemonics from these tv shows. i learnt the wrist bones from scrubs and now the post-op fever causes one too. haha. wind (atelectasis), water (uti), wound (infection), walk (dvt/pe), wonder drugs (drug-induced). silly, ain't it? i've finally started studying. dermatology baby. haha. lots of papules, macules, pustules, and assorted rashes.

just felt like blogging. don't really have anything to blog about really. i'm not going back end of this year. funny how when i say i'm not going back i really mean kl rather than brunei. isn't home supposed to be the place where you grew up? i guess i grew up in kl. and just grew older in brunei. and it's sad but i've grown too far apart from my friends in brunei. although with some i can still go have coffee with and catch up even though we don't talk to each other for ages. that's good right?

i find nowadays that i'm constantly just searching for a human connection. sitting in a small room cooped up with a laptop and a progressively enlarging mess is one of the most depressing things in the world. albeit the technological miracle of the internet. e-mails and chatting just ain't the same as having a coffee or going out. i didn't need to state that... obvious. oooo lots of psychobabbling going on.

yes, back to the human connection. most days i miss having someone to love. there i said it. doesn't mean i'll go out and pick the first guy off the road but i do miss the feeling. everyone says but you have family and friends. love them. but it's really not the same, is it? then there comes the astronomically big question of does anyone really know what love is in the first place? do i know what it is? i like to think i finally do after all the mess i made... but the concept keeps changing and there are so many variables it becomes too complicated. so we fall back on quotes. quotes like 'love the one you're with', 'if you love him let him go', bla bla bla and then the one from the bible. i think the bible one's the closest to even defining it.

when i picture where i'm going now, the scene's a long promising road on a sunny day that's not too hot. isn't it funny how it's always a road analogy? we're all on a journey. and i'm being unusually optimistic nowadays. positive steps for positive outcomes. am having more good days than bad. good, no? for the girl who was chronically sad. and i do stress the was.

have good days everyone =) it pays to be happy =D and i babble so hee hee!

i remember another dream...

i was standing at the top of a snow covered mountain. from the peak i could see a vast green land somewhere in which 'home' was. and 'home' felt like a person... but i couldn't see this just then because everything was teensy tiny like ants. a large shard of glass came crashing down from the cloudless sky. i looked up just in time to watch it crash right into me. then came a strange relief. the feeling of my chest split open by a large piece of glass seemed familiar. i stood there, staining the snow red.

and then stood in a room with windows facing the morning sunrise, staining the brown parquet red.

and then i saw a couple passing by... something pulls me through the window. crash goes the glass. glittery shatters of glass in the sun as i fallll.

why do all my dreams keep involving me falling down from somewhere =P

yes, i was aiming straight for the little kid on her miniature kid skis. tried to kill a kid on the first try. haha =P so noob.

Kevinjit, Kapil and I went snowboarding over the weekend. Technically, they went snowboarding. i just fell on my butt a lot. and with the beanie and sunglasses, i looked more like a substitute danny than a substitute nadia. haha. hence, 2 brown guys and a chinese boy. We were supposed to do two days of snowboarding but i came back from a girls' night out too drunk and just didn't want to budge after getting home. so we left in the morning instead. eeps!

This is me, posing with the board i didn't use that much =D

These are my knees. I spent the whole way there curled up comfortably in the back seat. We picked kevin up from boring ol'hilda ross with no internet and no sky tv and nothing to do. (he was very glad for the company... the poor thing)

This is kevin taking a leak. emergency oh.



Curled up comfortable ;)


This is my snowball =) We got to one side of the mountain round 1.30 so they said no point boarding today since only half day. Whakapapa (pronounced fakapapa)

So we went to play snow instead. Trying to play in the snow. haha.

Making a snow ball

Being pelted by snowball


I hadn't had my coffee for the first day. spent most of the day sleeping... haha... or wanting to sleep. good thing i figured that out for the next day and had my cuppa. Nothing had been booked. luckily we got a room at this place above a bar. the bar played good music but had a lopsided ratio of too many batangs to too few lubangs. kevin said it felt like a fight was going to break out soon. and everyone was white. haha. i was sleeping =P



The guys made the tuna sandwiches for lunch. We went to the other side of the mountain. some place called turoa.


Lunchtime



and made me clean up. haha. this is probably the only girly thing i did on the trip. i was a bum for most of the way =P




This is kevin in pain. hahah =P


I gave up trying to snowboard after a while. i was chicken + my tailbone was too painful. (mostly just chicken of falling down d lah)

What snowboarding trip is complete without the typical 'pose with my board on the mountain' shot.


And this would be my poser shot =D

And kapil's =P



And here I am sitting defeated on the side of the mountain but posing still


They snowboarded down and took the ski lift up. Taking the ski lift is scary man. I keep thinking the lift cabels will break and everyone will fall to their death. not like there's anything to hold on to when the thing's falling apart... sooo freaky.


And the last shot before we got back into the car and drove home =)

Yep, i think i had fun trying to snowboard =) at least i now have a beanie. haha. wouldn't mind going back again =D yay for the holidays! but boo for needing to study =P

finally the holidays. i didn't realize how badly i needed a break until this week. just couldn't get myself to be interested in anything. i'm glad psychiatrists are laidback, relaxed people. what with all the craziness, the doctors can't be nuts too. haha. i can't be a psychiatrist. the delusions/hallucinations/depression/suicidal ideations/twisted upness of people drain me so. and i wasn't even the one who really needed to assess them. today i met a lady who thought fairies were invading her body so she could fly.

and some rest homes here are really posh... i had a few days in old people's mental health... i went to one the other day... got service apartments, little individual units and all... and activities and indoor pool some more. like resort lah. haha. but it's sad to see so many lost old people.

been having the usual ups and downs but i'd say i'm alot better these days =) i hope i'm outgrowing my borderline-ness. as far as i can tell it's going away. sleep a little disturbed, waking up a few times during the night but luckily able to fall back to sleep each time. radical acceptance makes a world of a difference to my psyche when it works. and it is working. yay for dbt!

drinks with lara and the rest tonight to celebrate end of run and start of holidays =) pictures if i do take any =D Yay for Holidays!

it's important to sleep in the right conditions

darkness without lights on, comfort, no distractions, routine before sleeping, no stimulants like caffeine before sleep time. happiness. maybe a little warm milk before bed. and a hug =)

sleeping happy is important. falling asleep angry is almost like not sleeping at all.

and to consolidate memories. ah, memories. they haunt like the ghost of christmas past.

tonight i shall fall asleep happy. onward for tomorrow!

holidays soon... really can't wait for the end of this run. me no psychiatrist. that's for sure.

good night to all... sleep well... sleep like the dead who have no dreams... or have pleasant dreams... i seem to keep remembering the bad ones though... time for good dreams =) let only the good ones come true please.

someone was getting married. i didn't have a dress on but i could remember feeling the bustle and stress of getting ready for one... there was a cake, someone's white dress and flowers.

the groom came along and he was distressed because he was getting cold feet. the strange thing was that he looked like the guy from scrubs but was actually someone else in my head. he had a red sash, black suit and bow-tie. nowadays people in my dreams have faces. (they didn't use to... just a blank where the face should be).

suddenly i'm trying to climb through a window from a window-washer's scaffold... the kind those cleaners of skyscrapers have. i can see a wedding ceremony. the guests were seated and i think they were at the bit where people can object.

(the whole thing reminds me of my best friend's wedding really... haha)

but the scaffold ropes snap and i'm falling, falling, faaaalllliinnnggg into a moat full of snakes and crocodiles below.

then i wake up and the train was double plus late that day which made me late for the round. i hate that feeling of falling in nightmares.

have you ever had the feeling of being dissatisfied but can't figure out what it is that you want/need/crave?

i can tell you that it's an annoying feeling. i've been suffering from discontentment for the whole night. it's not food or sleep because i've satisfied both in the background of this mystery craving. the basic needs of food, clothes and shelter are adequate (although no girl can have enough clothes, or shoes for that matter).

nor is it the need for socializing either. i have that too. hmmm...

ecks... i am left with just rambling on about it instead.

one cannot scratch the itch if one doesn't know what the itch is. itches should come with proper labels, feelings or sounds. people can get horribly confused about them. although i'm not confused really. just a tad bit irritated. and a maybe a teensy bit bored =D

can't wait for the end of this run... enough of the mad and the sad.

Went to a ball last night =) it wasn't a ball like imu ball. no tables one. just alot of finger food and wine and beer and bubbly. and icky dj but it wasn't too bad overall =) good thing i asked beforehand what the 'ball' would be like here. so we all danced the night away and it was good. lara's house is nice. it faces the water and the balcony looks like a nice place to sit on a lazy afternoon and read. i'm using good and nice alot. haha =) some pictures for your viewing pleasure =P


Setareh, Lara and me

Me and my big arms, yunmi and lara at pre-ball (that was the first time i heard of a pre-ball. haha. i thought people usually had post-ball)


Lara and Imogen


Set, me, yunmi, lara and imogen

Ciaran... i have a thick neck in this one. haha.

Imogen, diana, tess, me - on the dance floor

Grrr... diana, noor, tess

I'm not sure who the girl in dark blue is...

Chester

This is actually after the ball ended - in front of the dj table thingy

Noor in royal blue

Diana =)

This is renus

This is sonia - she shoulda been in bollywood with the rest of us =P

Nikki is way tall...

sometimes people take group photos like this =D when everyone's not doing the same thing. haha.


Time to get back to reality and do some work. haha. 2 more weeks to holiday! but study holiday really. Thanks to timothy for lending me his camera =) otherwise half these photos would probably have been blurred if i'd used my old camera =D

i finally found that movie!

i saw it a long time ago playing on gsc international screens in midvalley. for a long time i was waiting to watch it with someone. then it ran it's course and something else was put up. but i'm watching it now =)

it's a jap movie with a chinese title i think that translates literally to standing at the centre of the world shouting out love. the chinese sounds so much better. it's veli veli mushy. about a guy who goes to school with this girl and they become friends and fall in love (d'oh) but she dies tragically of leukemia (how typical) and he's in the present going to marry someone but he goes back to his hometown and rehashes all the memories they had together. veli the corny but i like =D

movies on unrequited love are the saddest kind... but best to watch =P

=) yes as above =)

med ball coming up. good thing i still have my old dress to wear... although winter will probably blow it to shreds in the cold bitter wind that's been roaring the evenings. patterned muslin and silk somehow doesn't afford a satisfactory warmth. haha.
looking forward =)

uproot

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

forget me as i you
to erase all hope and resentment
then should ever we meet
be different like stones
to learn from mistakes

so the one after would not suffer

i walk my path alone
treading the sandy beach, careful
not to stir the translucent crabs
i was so afraid of
i forget what that was like

so the one after shall not suffer

good night forces. i expect some lightning soon.

tak ade pictures coz me camera ran out of batt

haha. but then leh, in the end we just bum off the free wine and end up drinking on the patio of carlton house. haha. that was fun. university life of booze and good company =)

i think it's an improvement. no nutty rubbishy wallowing aside from the two days of the med revue. just a sad memory i can put at the back of my head and remember so that i don't do anything silly billy. F.L.A.T. hmmm i'm fine. i did the aversion therapy to make sure. the internet's an interesting resourceful thing.

when i say reboot there's usually a residual crap stuck on me i can't get rid off but now i think it's all over. which is good. time to move like the social jellyfish i am. i think i've finally figured out a good way to quickly reboot.

Taking a group photo - Take 1

Taking a better group photo - take 2 - Bridget N right up front. second row l to r - Diana, Me, Bridget M (she did the hip hop part of the dance), Divya "token indian girl". back row - Tess, Noor "eva" Ali, YunMi. hidden way back - Lara.

Noor, Tess "classic siren look", Diana, Divya and yours truly

Me and Lara - The single girls

Me and Diana - girl with lotsa make-up equipment we all borrowed from. haha =P

Noor "the eva lookalike" and me trying to be indian

Max the Pirate, me and noor =)


Not quite ready group photo - drunker poses now, girls


Bridget, Me and Div (in her little girl uniform)


Moi, Diana and Lara

Layers upon layers of make-up, baby!




I think she likes me ;)

The mirror loves us =) as do we it.

All in all i think i did enjoy the med revue regardless. now i'm just waiting for the dvd of the thing to come out so i can put up the video. good job everyone! i had a great time teaching and performing the dance with everyone =)

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