Random Thought Bubbles

Ramblings on of someone still finding the way

I was just surfing, reading other people's blogs and remembering what I was up to at those particular dates when these people were writing in their blogs. Memories are interesting things. No matter how much we complain about time flying by but we still get complacent and don't grasp what we hold dear closer. Maybe it's not a we but it's definitely me. Just like me now, procrastinating like there's no tomorrow. It makes me sick... but I'm still sitting here blogging instead.

The day's only saving grace is going to gym. But I'm only doing that because it's become routine. Maybe if I somehow work actually doing work into my routine then maybe it'll work out. Haha. I used 'work' 3 times in one sentence. I must really start though. Things are getting out of hand, and if I don't keep myself more busy than this I'll begin to fall back into the abyss I know as SLOTH and IDLE THOUGHT. Those two have taken away more from me than anything else I know. SLOTH has cost me time I could've spent doing work so I don't have to rush later. IDLE THOUGHT has taken me back to periods of my life I wish to forget more times than I'd appreciate. Those two hand-in-hand don't make a good combination if I am to keep to how I am living my life now. I've gotta keep it together... I'm happy but only barely so...

Since I've been back I've been on eating binges everytime I'm sitting in front of the TV, or just sitting at home really :P It's strange how the urge to eat even though I'm not exactly hungry overtakes me in those moments of boredom. When I'm back in vista I sleep from boredom... but then again there's usually nothing in the fridge in the first place and nothing to watch on TV. He he! ;)

After gym a few days ago I was sitting with Ling Tze at one of those little cafe things drinking ice honey green tea with pearl thingies in them and reading magazines. It occurred to me that I was extremely hungry but since I'm extremely broke I didn't want to spend more money eating out. However, after flipping through 2 standard women's magazines I didn't feel like eating anymore. It's all those pictures of 'desireable' women and those 'fashionable' clothes. Not that I'm exactly dissatisfied with my own body (I don't think a girl who's completely satisfied with herself exists) but of course there are things I'd like to have... like a toned everything. Haha. I am still prone to stereotypes. Maybe that's why I don't buy magazines. It's a waste of money and a waste of my eating time :P Not to mention I'd be spending money on a whole lot of advertising enticing me to buy more things that I want but don't really need. No no no... for me, reading magazines only happens at the saloon, doctor's office, gym (we got it there too... reading material while we're bored cycling), cafe thingies like the one Ling Tze and I went to, someone else's mags if I happen to sit on it... yep yep. Everytime I read a magazine I get a sick anorexic-like feeling... like it's wrong to eat... no magazine for me alright.

Going off on a tangent, the other day I was experiencing another one of those moments of pure gold with the sun in my eyes when it occurred to me how strange that it would be happening to 'Fix You' by Coldplay. I'm no Coldplay fan but for some reason it hit a cord in me. I'm one of those who fall for lyrics rather than the song itself. I didn't start bawling in the car or anything but it was just so surreal. Anyway, I thought it was funny because I was there at peace with the world but the song that was playing was bittersweet. It's like having the person in charge of the soundtrack of your life play the wrong song at the wrong moment. But isn't that what Life is all about? Wrong timing... until you get it right and everything falls into place (again I am babbling). So every time 'Fix You' comes on the radio, that same peace falls over me and I get the feeling that everything will be all right, even though it is still not a happy song. That's conditioning for ya.

I just got back from dinner with my ex. It wasn't an awkward dinner where both parties would be trying to prevent from hurting each other's feelings by saying the wrong things. It was comfortable and no one was forced into being friendly. Everything's been resolved long ago, we're just friends and that's just excellent. It didn't even feel strange listening to him whine about his current girlfriend and his various business ventures that are giving him gigantic migraines. It was even nice to know that everything was going on fine for him besides the usual complaints. Why am I telling you this?

(aside from me getting a free Japanese dinner just now... haha :P I'm broke la. I was glad he didn't mind).

Isn't it interesting, how we're always able to adapt no matter how difficult the circumstances are? The ending with this ex wasn't pretty. And for a while things didn't seem like it would get better. One of those long drawn out things and being the softy I am things got even worse. Then finally one day, I just decided to rip it off quick like a band-aid. But by then, it didn't even hurt because I'd already left before I knew it. In any case, I find it extremely strange how I can actually carry out a normal conversation with him since when we first met we were never even friends first. Time reset everything... for me anyway. Only one thing I did wrong to erase myself... and that was overwriting a hurt by loving someone else. BIG NO NO. I've been doing that for as long as I know.

Everyday I'm reminding myself I'm not ready... because I'm still broken.

I woke up this morning, thinking how everyday is going to be the same and just hoping that the routine would dull my senses enough to let me get through without going back to all those habits I shouldn't keep. I can already feel those evil vines creeping slowly back into my veins. It is not the fatigue keeping me back, it is me the sloth. Maybe I should change my ways... to not be so afraid of endings, to not be so ready to fit into another comfortable space, to not want to jump into the fire so easily... too many things are too transient. It's a nagging feeling at the back of my neck, this need to be loved but I am not ready to start. That's the first time I could stand up to myself enough to own up I am not ready to jump.

How strange... I'm actually saying "no" to myself.

After yesterday's little ruffle I was very eager to hit the gym today. After a good run I'm feeling good again. Thank goodness for endorphins and exercise. Then I hit the resistance training with full gusto! haha... okie that's overstating it but I was definitely very enthusiastic when it came to working out today. RUN RUN RUN! DON'T STOP! YOU CAN DO IT! (ok, keep breathing evenly now...). Finally, pumping iron and thinking, 'I'm slowly getting my muscles toned... I'm fitter than I've ever freaking hell been in my entire life...' helps put my heart and mind in check. At this rate, I'm definitely going to be one of those people who run things out on a treadmill. Scary. Like those women who run like they have a grudge against all MAN-kind. But I don't hate men. Just don't understand them very much. Oh oh, and there was core-conditioning again today... my abs hurt... ah... a good workout, although a little disappointing at the same time. Ling Tze thought so too... our muscles weren't screaming to be released.

Moving on

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I realize there are still things that hurt, even if I try very hard to make them disappear.

While I was on my way to gym this evening I had this sense of complete peace. The sun was in my eyes but not so much that it'd be annoying. I'd turned off the radio and it just seemed as if everything was right with the world. It was a clear day, even with the minimal haze going on here in Brunei (compared to KL of course). The orange horizon, the quiet in my car and the thought of me on my way to my beloved workout place was just pure bliss. Like soaking in calm cool waters on a hot day. Strange how being away just makes all pain disappear. In a sense today was the best day I've had since I've been back.

Then having a very nice dinner with a friend. Stuffing myself till I was ready to burst. Realizing that I'm happy being alone. Finally coming to terms with it. Ah, the innocence of this.

But I come crashing and burning back to reality with just a few words. Funny how that happens. CRASHING BACK TO REALITY. Again I realize I am still not immune. Oh, how I loath these back and forth retches my heart makes, jerking me back into memories I don't want to remember.

I fell in love broken everytime. B-R-O-K-E-N. Missing pieces I'd given away so long ago, finding each time that a piece might come back to haunt me. I've had enough of that. I'm waiting this time. Waiting for a real whirlwind to sweep me off. I've never really been in love. I'm so young to be so world-weary.



Some photos from Bryan's camera when we were in Redang. I just got the ones I liked (even though the first one makes me look crazy :P). I'm so partial to black and white photos.

I haven't been to Jerudong Park for a long time, so we went just now. We didn't sit on any of the rides because the park's popularity has gone down so much that they can't afford proper maintenance anymore. It's such a shame because it used to be packed with people and parking was a big headache but that's part of going to a theme park. In any case, we still had to pay the entrance fee (hhahah... it's a buck to walk around and a fiver to sit on any of the rides... assuming the one you want is still open... a few are already closed 'for maintenance'). So we took silly pictures instead.
Sweet, no? I haven't taken a photo sitting on something as silly as a camel for a long time.

Oh... this one's got nothing to do with JP. It's Ling Tze and yours truly after our first Boxercise class. We're smiling but really our abs were hurting something bad.

Ya... we were bored.

We were at at the kids' playground. I just love the swings... but the motion pictures didn't turn out right. Just got this.

I just got back from the gym... again. Took another new class. Body combat. Feels just like Boxercise except no crazy floor exercises and we never stop moving, except probably between song changes for 10 secs. Ling Tze opted out after a while. My muscles now ache again from the unfamiliarity of new exercises. Ah well. I'm addicted to going to the gym and working out. I like the pain and the satisfaction that I get after I've been to the gym. It's getting so bad that I'm beginning to be a fixture in the gym, along with Ling Tze. Gym furniture. Haha!

Most days when I'm running nowhere on the treadmill I want to stop, not from exhaustion but because I just don't feel like it. Then this voice in my head says, "Don't let it beat you. Do you want to go back the way you were? This is a good start, stick with it. Are you just going to give up? DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK THERE??" And I think, "NO!" and I keep running... I feel like an Energizer bunny after I finish running. This sounds so much like I'm obese. :P

I'm fearing going back to KL although it is still a while before that happens. I don't want to go back to all my bad habits and all my faults. I'm new again here. Sounds like it's time to rearrange furniture in my room, pretend I'm in a different place. I know this time I'm going to miss Brunei and miss my home and my family.

No more mistakes now. I will be clean.

I think Life should be a woman, if Life could ever be given a gender. She has PMS days (or months or years for some) and mood swings like you'd never imagine. Life has the uncanny ability to spring forth such unforeseen circumstances at you that you wonder why you were unhappy with your previous arrangement in the first place (yes, I think everyone would agree that Life gets worse when you least expect it). I always laugh when it starts to 'rain', I've got this idea that it'll always 'start pouring' sooner or later. It saves me the anguish of expecting a silver lining and not getting it. Below is a few reasons why Life should be a woman (I made it up myself... haha...). But of course, most of it is very subjective and in no way a sexist thing. Sheesh, I'm making women look bad as it is.

1. She likes to make things happen when you least expect it, like giving you the promotion/scholarship/(insert very much desired thing here) you always wanted after years of waiting or taking away the very thing you cherish (just because you've had it so long you've forgotten to treasure it's very existence) or giving you more problems than you can handle when you've got enough to drown you.

2. She likes to give you things in such a way that it is bittersweet. She makes you very happy and very sad at the very same time. For example, allowing you to realize that your ex still loves you and that you still love him/her but it's too late because you're getting married today. It's just as if she enjoys burning you (the ant) under a very big magnifying glass but saying 'I love you so much' at the very same time.

3. She is not always that way though, sometimes she just makes you so happy you wonder why you don't love her more... but that can go down the drain when she crushes you so exquisitely you wonder, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT!?!?! WE HAD A GOOD THING GOING! ARGH! LIFE SUCKS! $)>%*$#)^

4. She makes you make very difficult decisions between your wants (what you really want or the wrong thing to do) and her (the right thing to do) but doesn't tell you which decision is which and sometimes the right thing to do can become the wrong thing to do and bla bla bla. Basically confuse the crap outta you.

5. Ok, I ran out of reasons. Well, more like I got tired of typing and thinking. To be continued then...


This is the owner of the gym I'm going to. If he's not YUMMY, I don't know what is. Grrr..! He's good-looking (absolutely spicy I tell you), relatively young (25), rich (not important but sounds good haha!), is a model, is an actor, plays basketball for Brunei (although Brunei ain't that good, but who cares! He does a good 360 spin thingy before sinking the ball sometimes). Yikazoids! This is the perfect man (in terms of skill and external beauty, anyway). Haha! But I'm no groupy. He is good-looking though, ya have to admit and it's not the reason why I go to the gym so much, if anyone's wondering. He's not in Brunei at the moment and also unavailable :P

I saw the movie last night, and had a major chocolate craving after it :P (bought myself a whole bar of dairy milk). I read the book a long time ago but I don't remember Willy Wonka being so insecure... or being so much like Michael Jackson (ugh, but his music still rocks and he's so rich it doesn't matter if he wants to make his home an amusement park). Willy Wonka so childish, so self-centred instead of the weird little fellow who made chocolate but still seemed more like a fairy tale character rather than a scary reality check. It was sad how he didn't have the childhood everyone deserves but then again, that's how psychos and geniuses are made. Strange how those two go together... to me anyway (yes, I'm babbling). I left the cinema thinking what a scary movie it must be for little kids if they really thought about it (just like 'Courage the Cowardly Dog' but I loved that cartoon. Morbidly funny). And Johnny Depp did a real good job at being Willy Wonka... still upper lip, manic chuckling, hardly caring about the wellbeing of his guests and all. It's a pretty good movie, if you don't bother thinking too much about it, like a whole lot of other movies.

I read a bit of Roald Dahl when I was little. I loved BFG the best. To all of you who haven't read Roald Dahl you're definitely missing out.

Veering off the topic of movies, two days ago I came out of a new class with Ling Tze feeling like my abs were so raw I probably wouldn't be able to do another sit-up. It was a class called 'Boxercise'. It wasn't the 'boxing' per say that made it painful but the floor exercises. The most number of tummy crunches, sit-ups and strange ab exercise I've done forever. 2 sets of 20 abdominal crunches with a count that's 1 sec each. I kept up for the first set but died in the second (haha! I couldn't stop laughing. It was agonizing to keep up!) Then 20 more ab crunches but with legs straight up to the ceiling, 20 ab crunches with legs bent halfway in the air, 20 sit-ups to touch elbows to knees (this part I just couldn't keep up), 20 leg-lifts without touching the ground once, bla bla bla... you get the picture. At the end, my abs were ready to fall out. But it felt so good after! So I'm definitely going for another painful session with Tyrone the very buff black instructor with a very nice brit accent :P

While I was driving home from gym after a very funny cha-cha class, I realized why I never used to get homesick and why I got homesick this time. Every time I was away from home before this last time, I'd always felt that I was going home every night to a place where I felt safe and happy. This half-year it's been the other way around and every time I went home to my room at vista it wasn't safe and happy anymore. It's not like I felt someone was watching me but I just didn't feel like it was the home I thought it was when I first landed in KL. My room's become this foreign place that I come back to because I have to. It is sad that it's come to this.

And I'm not saying my friends aren't enough. Seriously, if it weren't for them, I'd be so much of a lesser person. So THANKS GUYS (meaning everyone obviously) for being the people that you are to me. I'm only dreading flying back to KL because it's no longer the second home it was. sigh... gotta work on that one.

On the other hand, I had a good day today. Another day I'm in a good mood, which is excellent. So besides the little revelation of second homes I'm doing well in the happy department :) Hoorah!

I just happened over some old poetry I wrote a long time ago. It's strange I don't remember the emotions that went along with these words. I did a revision of some of the verses but the idea is essentially the same, although I still can't put my finger on when I wrote it or why. It was from a period when I was still writing poetry the had some sort of hidden meaning. Anyway, it's reads as follows...

While too many bells rang in my head
I dreamt it was the wind whistling
when I heard them whispering

IT was never a battle won
But a defeated groveling

Hasty enormous mole-hills
Sprouted in place of my yellow-brick road
Each Step taken in place of a Leap
Always incessant trudging along instead of running

IT was never a battle won
But an unvarying mending

Enter stage left Disappointment
Maybe you’ll stay awhile.
Blood and sweat drip free from these hands
He might tell me otherwise, smiling.

It's funny how I never listened to my friends when they were trying to tell me something for my own good, even though I'd thanked them each time for being honest. I realize now they were the ones who saw the reality while I was being blinded by the shroud of 'love'.

My best friend and I had our first one-on-one session with the trainer at the gym today. While I was happily running nowhere on the treadmill I realized I actually enjoy working out. I still don't see the point in running on a treadmill beside other equally directionless work-outters but it's nice having the time and everything else in front of you and not having to worry about bugs or stepping in dog poo (and having the Disney channel playing cartoons is a good distraction :P) I was thinking about all the endorphins swimming about in my bloodstream while my best friend was having her session and wondering why I never used to like working out.

The trainer was wondering why my calves were toned when I was doing the leg presses after she showed me on the machine thingy... she thought I ran alot. No, I just wear four-inch heels alot :P So there is a point to wearing them heels besides looking really sexy. He he!

In any case, I love going to the gym. It's only been 5 days though. Everything still hurts but it feels good, oddly enough. I think I'll be going to the gym more often now that I realize I like the endorphin high. But I go on horribly unsatiated binges thinking I'll work it off anyway... Not good. Not good at all. Haha.

MSI

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There has been several bouts of 'hysteria' in the local girls' school. It's been reported (on the front page too since this place hasn't got any better news to cover) that several girls suddenly started shouting and screaming before passing out during class or assembly or something along the lines of a crowd. It's been happening for the past week or more (I don't know really cause the newspaper was already running it when I got back). Bomohs were called in to rid the school off the evil spirits that caused these girls to act so oddly (That's how it read in the newspaper). Lots of parents were freaked out and the whole school had a day off after the second 'attack'. I thought it would've been funny if these girls coordinated these 'attacks'. Super scam the school and the authorities into giving them special treatment. But today's newspaper reported another one of such attacks in the nearby primary school. Was it a coincidence? Hmmm...

I find urban legends funny. One of them urban legends I heard at school was about a friend's friend's second cousin twice removed who was from some school (obviously local and unnamed) who stuck a test-tube up her woohoo (haha... ok, bad word to substitute it with... but you know what it is) and it broke and they had to bring her to the hospital, broken bit of test-tube, bleeding and all. She must've been really rough with her 'fun'. And I'm sure someone else has a similar version of that story. All bollocks.. :P

I'm tempted to continue with my wallowing. I'm tempted to be the whinny wuss I'm used to being at times like this. But I'm tired of that, and it's tiring being upset. I'm still trying to think my way out of this, instead of doing all those things I used to do to erase my hurt. However, I don't know what I want just right now. I want to be comfortable being by myself, of which I am. I want to be able to sit still without being melancholic, that I cannot do. BUT WHY? It's irritating.

*

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Your smile, that half smile
So sad, so sorry...
The last thing I remember, now
In that one moment,
An infinite number of words
Tell me you're sorry, for ever hurting me

Only your eyes betray you.

My arms are so tired they feel rubbery as I type. My day started late after lunch when I hauled my lazy butt out of bed and into a badminton court. I played till my right arm had no feeling. Then I had a combination of taichi, yoga and pilates class where I stretched almost every muscle in my body. It was invigorating though, funny because it was strenuous without being taxing on stamina... just on one's aching muscles. Take pilates people! It's excellent for toning, although it does hurt something bad the first time... I feel every muscle in my stomach and back! After that, we (meaning my best friend and I) had a nice round of weight training... actually we didn't plan on attending that class, but since we had the time and wanted to try everything out... ya... now everything hurts, but it was GREAT!

On a separate note, I've been having relapses of melancholy these few days. The feeling is like being slowly and painfully torn apart, leaving only an empty space within. Mood swings... ugh. I'm trying to figure out what I'm yearning for. The last has got my bearings all in a twist, but keeping busy has kept me off my addictions.

I'd like directions back onto the yellow brick road now, thanks.

I was quite glad I passed, and so was Kah Heng.

The picture didn't catch our result slips though.

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