If only fate would deal me a better hand. That by some sick twist-tear in the fabric of time and space there could be another ending... First things first, I didn't get my first choice and I'm sore. Sore to the very core of my being. Is this punishment for all those times I didn't go to lecture? I somehow wish I'd flipped my first and second choices. There is enough stress to span the earth sphere-wise and over from EOS and now this. WHY WHY WHY? Why is my destiny not what I want? Will there be a silver lining to this? Is there some other path I can take? WHY WHY WHY?????
Second thing second, I'm pms-ing meaning I am emotional for no darn reason already. This I can blame on my body and there are always ways to tackle the irritation. But it contributes greatly to the amount of despair and unconsolable sadness of the moment. There are no words in my head, only colours of black, red and white. All the thoughts have meshed together. Black for desolation, red for anger and white for helplessness. I would scream if I could... but what would that accomplish? Again I sit in the learned helplessness of which we are so familiar.
Third, I need not appeal because my dad says there's no need. Fine by me but I wish I could be somewhere else anyway. So where and what does that leave me? ARGH!!!
Fourth, I can't study with all this in my head. Black, red and white. Not even proper thoughts I can work around. Health issues should go to hell, but I know I can't let that happen. I'm much too proud to allow myself failure. How I wish... It's enough I didn't get what I want.
Fifth, sleep evades me like the first choice I didn't get. Funny thing is it's not because I really want to go to Adelaide but because I didn't get my first choice. If only Mr. Sandman would visit just right now. He would be hungrily welcomed. Sleep's like taking a holiday from the world. I'd like to be in a coma for a while now.
No. 6 cannot be written about. I'm afraid if I do I'll jinx myself. Please Big Mr. Fate-In-The-Sky, be kinder to me...
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