Random Thought Bubbles

I keep waking up from strange dreams nowadays. Maybe due to all the light sleeping and falling asleep on my notes hoping I'll absorb everything by osmosis. It's funny how that osmosis joke survives from secondary school. I remember someone saying that while lying on a biology textbook. Haha...

I watched Tokyo drift yesterday after health issues summative. The cars are so ah beng but in the context of Tokyo everything looks good, even the crazy harijuku girls and the girls who wear weirdo clothes that make everyone here look like ah lians. The hillside route the drivers took for the last race 'showdown' looked alot like the one from 'Initial D'. The plot was the typical schoolkids playing gangster and paying for the lifestyle kind. The 'hero' fella just kept on going back for the same girl even after knowing that he'd get into big trouble with the yakuza. How guys can be that stupid is beyond me. If ya like big sportcars and people driving like madmen and girls in short short skirts, this is the movie for you. I think it was good only for the car stunts, not the plot itself. Haha. 'Young and Dangerous' still the best for shallow gangsterism, I think.

I had a funny headache all day yesterday while I was out watching the movie and doing everything else besides studying. I couldn't get rid of it even with food. Finally when I got home I realized it was due to caffeine withdrawal. That was annoying =P Socially acceptable drugs like caffeine will be the bane of me. Haha. Ah well indeed...

And since I got nothing much to write about these days. Here's another song. A 'happier' one this time. Same funny people.

You must remember all these drugs The names of which you've learnt from me Or fuck 'em all & get a job in Orthopaedic Surgery.

Hello dear readers! I'm so sick of lecture notes! It's never-ending! It's even worse than the song that never ends! (but I did like watching Lambchop sing-a-long... haha!). In the midst of trying to remember what multiple myeloma is and all the tiny words every slide has, I decided to share with you a song. It is one of several by Adam Kay and Suman Biswas that I'll put on whenI feel like it. The title of this one is 'Eternal Clerking'. Some song that I heard at LT one day before lecture started. I think Johan put it on. Anywez, I've nothing to write about besides I had a dream last night. It was one bloody awful dream. I'd been reading about blood this whole week and my brain has decided that it's even sleeping in haemato notes and decided to entertain my 'rest' time with all the words that start with the letter 'L'. I give to you my dream... it was shiny, glittering, technicolour on a clean white background and each word in enormous, bold, block lettering... Times New Roman no less. Ladies and gentleman (what I can remember of it anyway =P)

Too many nights without sleep, too many mornings crawling outta bed groggy. It's been a while since I've had a proper night's sleep. Getting quite skitisch (I can't quite care if that's a word... it looks like what I feel like. Haha! skitisch...) Haemato is squishing my brain to bits and I haven't been to GI or MSK or CNS or RENAL or REPRO! I'm 2 days behind schedule and it appears health issues ain't so easy to study for.

Started getting sick of listening to Song 2 everytime I check for new stuff on my blog. So here's a less noisy one. Haha. Undress Me Now by Morcheeba. I happened over it when I was searching for trip-hop besides Massive Attack. The 'House MD' theme is Teardrop by Massive Attack. I recognized the beat they always use for their music and thought maybe there's another cool band doing the same thing with new stuff... but no, it's a really old song from Massive Attack. No one seems to know they exist or used to exist... I don't know if they've done anything new for so long. Haha. The music video is a virtual journey type thing in a womb. There's a baby and it lip-synchs to the song. But again, no one seems to remember that either. Me likey trip-hop nowadays and those lounge-y sounding music. =)

So few days, so little brain space, so little time, so little sleep. Not good, not good at all.

From the moment of receiving and tearing open your letter till the next stage - The second you see not the name you want to see but some other choice that you didn't want anyway. And then you think this can't be happening to me. I'm too good for second, third, fourth, n'th choice. They must've got my rankings all wrong. The computer must be faulty. The person entering information into the terminal must be a retard. This is a typo! They mistyped the whole name! Maybe if I rub my eyes enough, twirl around 200 times and jump up and down the name will be right... Yes!? no... It's not a typo and the twirling didn't do squat. But this can't be right!

The stage where one realizes that there is injustice - Who else got into the uni I wanted? Whuuuaattt?! Why did he/she/it get in and I didn't? WHY? And he/she/it didn't even put it as first choice! It's a conspiracy. There are rumours everywhere! We must APPEAL! We must REVOLT! WE MUST DO SOMETHING! This is so insulting. I don't want to deal with this! Why do we have to work hard at all? Someone must PAY!

The stage where one will do anything to change the situation - Appeal, appeal, appeal. Make excuses, make reasons, make lies. Whatever it takes to get what that first choice! Letter to everywhere and everyone! Make promises in whatever religion believed in. Please give me what I want, I won't ****/(whatever) for a year.

The stage of learned helplessness - I didn't get it... even after all the appealing. Sigh... I'm just stuck here. There's nothing I can do about it now. But I don't want to go there. It won't be fun because I won't like it. SIGH... I have a headache, I want to go to sleep, I'm so sick of studying, I don't want to see anyone, I want to be alone...

The stage of giving up and giving in - It's probably not so bad. After all the initial pain and annoyance of not getting the first choice I can deal with it now. It's probably why we were given from Friday till Monday (5pm) to think about it. All the time in the world to go through the 5 stages of grief in hopes that there will be fewer appeals and fewer disruptions to the gleeful conspiracy we all have to submit to.

Just right now I'm angry. Angry because of the injustice of the world. Angry because it doesn't matter what the hell marks you get anyway, because it's all just LUCK. LUCK and administrative ease. So you're good at what you do and you do it because you want to be rewarded with what you deserve. Do you deserve less because the next fella who isn't as good is luckier? Do you deserve less because it's administratively easier that you're put somewhere else? Do you deserve less when your ECA list is full and your marks are great and the next fella's isn't but has the same first choice and gets it? What the hell is going on? Why are the smart people being thrown around? Why WHY WHY!!!! Why are there kiasu people who screw other people over? The kind that should be skinned alive and allowed to bleed slowly to death. Why are there people willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want, even if it means sabo'ing other people? Tell me how do I deal with this kind of unfairness...

It appears I can't be melancholy for long nowadays. =P That's strange considering I happen to like to wallow for long periods, mostly because I can write and write and be surprised that I can somehow write poetry. Then when I read back again I forget how it all came out. Most of us who didn't get our first choice uni are in the acceptance phase. I can't make up my mind as to whether that includes me. At least I'm not extremely upset about it anymore, which is tragic. Shouldn't I hold stronger to what I want? The system's getting to me. Then again I've always coloured within the lines... all except for those times I felt like doing something illegal. Haha!

Nothing new to report besides appears there's controversy about the matching process. Been hearing a few things but I'd rather not perpetuate the grapevine in case it's all poppydick. Haha! Poppydick. I've been playing 'Plantasia'. One of those flash game type things. It's about a fairy who's supposed to fix gardens by planting and watering flowers. I think the fairy's name is poppydick. That's a very silly and unfairy-like name. Sounds more like a bad word for small wee wee. =P Anyway, some of the smart people didn't get their first choices. Smart meaning very smart with high high marks and who do very well. That's sad... and unfair. Oh well...

I shall type no further about matching because it gets me upset and annoyed everytime someone asks me about it. Mostly because I didn't get what I want. Haha. I sound so much like a spoilt child... but I've never been a spoilt child. My mom even said I've never thrown a tantrum, and I never ran around restaurants like a crazy kid on speed.

Maybe I'll churn out more poetry... I watched 'Svlvia' again the other day and it's got me in the writing mood. Haven't written much for so long I feel like I don't have the words. Plath is so goooood... but sooooo crazy.

If only fate would deal me a better hand. That by some sick twist-tear in the fabric of time and space there could be another ending... First things first, I didn't get my first choice and I'm sore. Sore to the very core of my being. Is this punishment for all those times I didn't go to lecture? I somehow wish I'd flipped my first and second choices. There is enough stress to span the earth sphere-wise and over from EOS and now this. WHY WHY WHY? Why is my destiny not what I want? Will there be a silver lining to this? Is there some other path I can take? WHY WHY WHY?????

Second thing second, I'm pms-ing meaning I am emotional for no darn reason already. This I can blame on my body and there are always ways to tackle the irritation. But it contributes greatly to the amount of despair and unconsolable sadness of the moment. There are no words in my head, only colours of black, red and white. All the thoughts have meshed together. Black for desolation, red for anger and white for helplessness. I would scream if I could... but what would that accomplish? Again I sit in the learned helplessness of which we are so familiar.

Third, I need not appeal because my dad says there's no need. Fine by me but I wish I could be somewhere else anyway. So where and what does that leave me? ARGH!!!

Fourth, I can't study with all this in my head. Black, red and white. Not even proper thoughts I can work around. Health issues should go to hell, but I know I can't let that happen. I'm much too proud to allow myself failure. How I wish... It's enough I didn't get what I want.

Fifth, sleep evades me like the first choice I didn't get. Funny thing is it's not because I really want to go to Adelaide but because I didn't get my first choice. If only Mr. Sandman would visit just right now. He would be hungrily welcomed. Sleep's like taking a holiday from the world. I'd like to be in a coma for a while now.

No. 6 cannot be written about. I'm afraid if I do I'll jinx myself. Please Big Mr. Fate-In-The-Sky, be kinder to me...

I passed CNS. haha! Thank goodness. Now for health issues and the death match EOS 5 exams. Matching results are coming out at 9am at AAD tomorrow.

After a whole day of wondering why my internet doesn't work and keeps saying there's poor connectivity, I decided to restart my computer. My internet works again. I'm glad I didn't call the nasioncom people just for them to tell me to restart my laptop. That would be a waste of a call and would make me feel quite silly.

Because all there is to watch on tv nowadays is football in the middle of the night when I'm trying to keep awake I'm watching some of the matches but can't quite be bothered to pay attention since I'm no football fan and I still don't get why it's so interesting. Haha! I just need some noise in the background so I don't scare myself when it gets too quiet. Anyway, I look up from my endless stack of notes to the tv everytime there's a chorus of males screaming to see that someone's either almost scored a goal or someone's scored or someone made an amazing save. But the only thing I've gotten from all of this is that footballers (or soccer players =P as the Americans and Canadians like to call it... and I used to call it soccer too) like to spit, a lot. Then it got me thinking (while I'm trying to read endo... and every note appears to be something I have never read or seen before... I couldn't even remember ever reading what thyroperoxidase is until I read the physio for thyroid hormones again) how disgusting it is that the footballers are already all over each sweaty other everytime they try to wrestle the ball away and falling and rolling all over the grass that they are also falling and rolling over everyone else's saliva. Ugh... for love of the game. Haha =P

Then 'The Sun' has an afternoon version of their paper containing only football news and of course I flipped through and had no interest whatsoever in the articles about great games and other related football news. Except today I read about one team having a coach named Dick Advocaat. Then it got me thinking about the word advocate. What would a dick advocate be? Sounded so much like another way to say pimp. =P Advocaat would've been such a cool surname if not for the Dick in front of it. Then again anyone named Dick is sure to be belittled and bullied for his parents' mistake of christening him so. Oh, and I read about Saudi Arabia's loss of 0-8 to some other team (of course I can't be bothered to remember which =P) in the last World Cup and that that was the largest loss in 20yrs of World Cup history. That must've been quite embarrassing. At least they made it to the World Cup. Everything else but lecture notes feels like it's more worth remembering... sigh...

CNS results out tomorrow... or rather today... hope I didn't do too badly. 34 ppl failed out of my 181 persons batch. And matching results are supposed to be out this week. Stress is the word.

If sleep is required for one to process and organize memory... then shouldn't we all be sleeping more to remember more?

All this studying is taking a toll on me. I wake up in the morning early, after a whole night of trying to keep myself awake to study, to study. I spend the rest of my day trying to keep awake trying to study and when it's night I continue trying to keep myself awake. Lecture notes are the best sedatives in the world. Curl up in bed with a lecture, any lecture note, and Mr. Sandman will make an appearance before I even finish one slide, or worse, when I'm reciting a sentence out loud and I don't get to finish it. =P Blah... It's a curse.

The stress has got me cleaning my toilet now. Before long everything else in the house will be cleaned. And I'd have spent more time cleaning than actually studying. Not good... The last time I went through EOS exams I cleaned my toilet three times a week, or more.

I'm blogging just to break the monotony of notes. In respi now. Tomorrow I shall finish that and go on to Haemato then Endo then then then... everything else. Sigh... Before I know it, it will be the exams tomorrow and I won't know crap because everything's just squashed up in my head I can't decide which slide goes where. (I remember notes by slides... but things get mixed up and I might just 'paste' RF in IE and CF in IHD and be utterly wrong). SIGH!!!

I watched 'The 40-year-old Virgin' the other day. It's funny. It would be interesting to meet a guy who's not interested in sex at all. But the guy in the movie is quite a loser, albeit a really nice guy. Typical comic book recluse complete with deadend job. I've taken to watching something while I study nowadays. The distraction keeps me awake although it does slow me down somewhat. Better than sleeping through the day though. =P

Ya'well, back to the notes. !@#$^#%$*%^(*^&^$%!@~ Haha

OMG EOS 5 IS COMING! I can't believe I procrastinated this long. I'm usually more disciplined when it comes to last minuteness, considering last minute work is already a very dangerous point in time. I was supposed to start studying 2 months before death row happens. I ended starting a lot later than that. I started last Friday. EOS 5 is starts on the 17th of July. I'm going to die... I'm already stressing because I'm definitely not going to be able to finish in time. Unless of course I skim through everything like the wind. Then again I study like a dying snail so maybe putting some speed into the process might not do too much damage. No more photocopying the lecture note in my head. No enough space (or brain cells for that matter haha, thanks to all the clubbing and drinking) for all that when there's 3 semesters to cover in just over a month and a half. Yes, I am doomed. As always, WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF! =P

Everytime I think of the impending doom the stress imposes an involuntary cringing of my heart. As if that slight movement could save me from taking the exam at all. Haha! Right... I'm going delusional. I'm halfway through foundation 2 and I'm done with CVS. A whole lot more to go~~!!!! ARGH! And I'm blogging instead to relieve the stress of starting too late, the total and complete blame of which is on my shoulders. Where did all the TIME go?... and I'm watching cartoons dubbed in Malay on Channel 9. There's an extra channel besides ntv7 and 8tv now. =P They appear to cater to the Malay population. All the afternoon cartoons are in Malay... besides Ghost Busters. And I'm back to watching 'Rubi' and 'The Gardener's Daughter' while I study in the mornings because those two are the only decent things to watch while I study to prevent myself from falling back into the sticky but oh-so-comfortables arms of sleep. For anyone who doesn't know what those are, they are Spanish soaps. The only words I've learnt to recognize so far are something that sounds like 'por fa bor'... which I take means 'please la' or 'come on la'. Haha, and 'jardinera' meaning gardener and 'la hija' meaning daughter. All this while I'm studying. Sigh... but they are quite interesting to watch if there's nothing else on. So much drama. And everyone appears to have big assets, the actresses I mean. =P

Next TV distraction to keep me awake... World Cup Germany. Haha =P

Back to the seemingly endless stack of notes. Goodbye Life, for the next month and a half or so.