Random Thought Bubbles

Ramblings on of someone still finding the way

happy 6 month anniversary to me

mood: euthymic

i don't really have anything else to say about that.

just another day at the office.

time really does fly by when you don't notice. it could've been so different. but that's all water under the bridge now.

i wonder what it'll be like another 6 months down the line.

suddenly i feel like there's not enough time. more birthdays coming up and more adult-like milestones to pass. i am kinda afraid of growing older. i don't think i'm stepping right enough times to not regret my youth. gotta work on that.

back to the books. i do so hate exams. been too reclusive these days.

haven't ranted for quite a while.

today i want to rant about headache. i had a headache in the afternoon and that put me out of commission for the rest of the day. man, a headache really knocks me off my feet.

and i still haven't figured out what my premonition was yet. i wonder if it's important. i have a feeling i don't really want to know.

waiting for the new season of grey's anatomy is taking forever. few more days till the 27th but still! it looks to be a very exciting start with meredith's sister in the hospital now too =D

got new craving... hmmm... something sweet, something liquid/icey, something fruity. i feel like having mango-lo... i wanna go ktz... hahah.

that something is wrong...

it's either the oestrogen or it's my spidey senses tingling. haha.

but seriously, there's a nagging feeling that something is wrong.

but what?

the last time i had a mystery craving i finally figured out it was for trail mix.

hope it's nothing big.

been having insomniac nights lately. good thing it's the holidays. it's probably pre-menstrual, all the hormones doing somersault mood swings. just gotta ride it out. and i get too wrapped up in tv series. especially the morose, melancholic kind. i think only girls understand how we sometimes just need a good cry to let the bad air out. although other people just run or box or work-out. i like to have a good cry. it's less energy consuming. and i don't have the stamina to run long enough to satisfy the letting out of bad airness. and being pre-menstrual never helps. haha.

i realize it's strange how the right answer is always 'go home'. when you can't decide whether something is good or bad. Go home. i adopt that philosophy nowadays. can't decide? just go home. home and into bed. a long time ago i loathed being mediocre, being just normal, being just like everyone else. now all i want is normality, routine, simplicity. maintaining the high is far too taxing.

time to try to get to bed. no bad dreams please... keep remembering only those nowadays.

that's a lot of posts =)

was just watching the first episode of the first season of grey's anatomy. i find it strange i actually learn mnemonics from these tv shows. i learnt the wrist bones from scrubs and now the post-op fever causes one too. haha. wind (atelectasis), water (uti), wound (infection), walk (dvt/pe), wonder drugs (drug-induced). silly, ain't it? i've finally started studying. dermatology baby. haha. lots of papules, macules, pustules, and assorted rashes.

just felt like blogging. don't really have anything to blog about really. i'm not going back end of this year. funny how when i say i'm not going back i really mean kl rather than brunei. isn't home supposed to be the place where you grew up? i guess i grew up in kl. and just grew older in brunei. and it's sad but i've grown too far apart from my friends in brunei. although with some i can still go have coffee with and catch up even though we don't talk to each other for ages. that's good right?

i find nowadays that i'm constantly just searching for a human connection. sitting in a small room cooped up with a laptop and a progressively enlarging mess is one of the most depressing things in the world. albeit the technological miracle of the internet. e-mails and chatting just ain't the same as having a coffee or going out. i didn't need to state that... obvious. oooo lots of psychobabbling going on.

yes, back to the human connection. most days i miss having someone to love. there i said it. doesn't mean i'll go out and pick the first guy off the road but i do miss the feeling. everyone says but you have family and friends. love them. but it's really not the same, is it? then there comes the astronomically big question of does anyone really know what love is in the first place? do i know what it is? i like to think i finally do after all the mess i made... but the concept keeps changing and there are so many variables it becomes too complicated. so we fall back on quotes. quotes like 'love the one you're with', 'if you love him let him go', bla bla bla and then the one from the bible. i think the bible one's the closest to even defining it.

when i picture where i'm going now, the scene's a long promising road on a sunny day that's not too hot. isn't it funny how it's always a road analogy? we're all on a journey. and i'm being unusually optimistic nowadays. positive steps for positive outcomes. am having more good days than bad. good, no? for the girl who was chronically sad. and i do stress the was.

have good days everyone =) it pays to be happy =D and i babble so hee hee!

i remember another dream...

i was standing at the top of a snow covered mountain. from the peak i could see a vast green land somewhere in which 'home' was. and 'home' felt like a person... but i couldn't see this just then because everything was teensy tiny like ants. a large shard of glass came crashing down from the cloudless sky. i looked up just in time to watch it crash right into me. then came a strange relief. the feeling of my chest split open by a large piece of glass seemed familiar. i stood there, staining the snow red.

and then stood in a room with windows facing the morning sunrise, staining the brown parquet red.

and then i saw a couple passing by... something pulls me through the window. crash goes the glass. glittery shatters of glass in the sun as i fallll.

why do all my dreams keep involving me falling down from somewhere =P

yes, i was aiming straight for the little kid on her miniature kid skis. tried to kill a kid on the first try. haha =P so noob.

Kevinjit, Kapil and I went snowboarding over the weekend. Technically, they went snowboarding. i just fell on my butt a lot. and with the beanie and sunglasses, i looked more like a substitute danny than a substitute nadia. haha. hence, 2 brown guys and a chinese boy. We were supposed to do two days of snowboarding but i came back from a girls' night out too drunk and just didn't want to budge after getting home. so we left in the morning instead. eeps!

This is me, posing with the board i didn't use that much =D

These are my knees. I spent the whole way there curled up comfortably in the back seat. We picked kevin up from boring ol'hilda ross with no internet and no sky tv and nothing to do. (he was very glad for the company... the poor thing)

This is kevin taking a leak. emergency oh.



Curled up comfortable ;)


This is my snowball =) We got to one side of the mountain round 1.30 so they said no point boarding today since only half day. Whakapapa (pronounced fakapapa)

So we went to play snow instead. Trying to play in the snow. haha.

Making a snow ball

Being pelted by snowball


I hadn't had my coffee for the first day. spent most of the day sleeping... haha... or wanting to sleep. good thing i figured that out for the next day and had my cuppa. Nothing had been booked. luckily we got a room at this place above a bar. the bar played good music but had a lopsided ratio of too many batangs to too few lubangs. kevin said it felt like a fight was going to break out soon. and everyone was white. haha. i was sleeping =P



The guys made the tuna sandwiches for lunch. We went to the other side of the mountain. some place called turoa.


Lunchtime



and made me clean up. haha. this is probably the only girly thing i did on the trip. i was a bum for most of the way =P




This is kevin in pain. hahah =P


I gave up trying to snowboard after a while. i was chicken + my tailbone was too painful. (mostly just chicken of falling down d lah)

What snowboarding trip is complete without the typical 'pose with my board on the mountain' shot.


And this would be my poser shot =D

And kapil's =P



And here I am sitting defeated on the side of the mountain but posing still


They snowboarded down and took the ski lift up. Taking the ski lift is scary man. I keep thinking the lift cabels will break and everyone will fall to their death. not like there's anything to hold on to when the thing's falling apart... sooo freaky.


And the last shot before we got back into the car and drove home =)

Yep, i think i had fun trying to snowboard =) at least i now have a beanie. haha. wouldn't mind going back again =D yay for the holidays! but boo for needing to study =P

finally the holidays. i didn't realize how badly i needed a break until this week. just couldn't get myself to be interested in anything. i'm glad psychiatrists are laidback, relaxed people. what with all the craziness, the doctors can't be nuts too. haha. i can't be a psychiatrist. the delusions/hallucinations/depression/suicidal ideations/twisted upness of people drain me so. and i wasn't even the one who really needed to assess them. today i met a lady who thought fairies were invading her body so she could fly.

and some rest homes here are really posh... i had a few days in old people's mental health... i went to one the other day... got service apartments, little individual units and all... and activities and indoor pool some more. like resort lah. haha. but it's sad to see so many lost old people.

been having the usual ups and downs but i'd say i'm alot better these days =) i hope i'm outgrowing my borderline-ness. as far as i can tell it's going away. sleep a little disturbed, waking up a few times during the night but luckily able to fall back to sleep each time. radical acceptance makes a world of a difference to my psyche when it works. and it is working. yay for dbt!

drinks with lara and the rest tonight to celebrate end of run and start of holidays =) pictures if i do take any =D Yay for Holidays!

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