Random Thought Bubbles

oh you call out
for some sort of relief
from the mundane of everyday
and everyone's monotone voices
a sweet moment escape
from the gruelling reality
is all you need

i just came back from someone's 21st birthday

freeee wineeee

ahahha

no one to share the feeling with... sigh...

so i shall write instead

the room moves. and the tongue is free like a snake in cold water. i'm not sure of what i'm saying but i don't quite care. and then people seem to laugh at what i'm saying. maybe they're laughing at me instead of at me. but i don't quite care. haha. ah well. when it's a time when you want to share but can't. talking is the only way.

i wonder what goes on in the sober world at times like these.

in the in between time of quiet. there are moments when i remember the past. and then i am a little melancholic. but that passes...

i miss alot of things. but they, each of them, will have to be let go off. if i am to change.

love love love. where have you gone?

i remember the smell, the sigh, the sounds, the touch, the feelings. the intensity.

i miss those moments. i miss you. i miss all of that. but i have to move.

and i am moving.

sometimes it is hard. because it all fit into place. why i had to wrong i do not know. why i had to replace so frantically i do not know. but now, i know there was too much still stuck in resentment to be able to go on. i have not so much of that now. because i am free. maybe i was holding myself hostage too much to realize that i had no reigns. there were no chains holding me but the ones that i held myself in. all just a material illusion i thought i was caught up in.

good night sweet love. love that i did not understand. hello freedom. freedom i learnt at such a high price.

it would be so nice to come home to someone...

to the end

All those dirty words (jusqua la fin)
They make us look so dumb (en plein soleil)
We've been drinking far too much (jusqua la fin)
And neither of us mean what we say (en plein amour)

Well you and i
Collapsed in love
And it looks like we might have made it
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end

What happened to us? (jusqua la fin)
Soon it will be gone forever (en plein soleil)
Infatuated only with ourselves (jusqua la fin)
And neither of us can think straight anymore. (en plein amour)

Well you and i
Collapsed in love
And it looks like we might have made it,
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end

When you and i
Collapsed in love
Well, it looks like we might have made it
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end.(en plein amour)

You and i
Just collapsed in love
And it looks like we might have made it
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end

(en plein soleil)
(en plein soleil)

have been the bane of my life

i have been through too much and been damaged too much and in the process damaged much.

no interest in that part any more

i crave an anchor

time to look for a safe anchor that isn't just human

when you're stuck in a self-made limbo, you just have to kick yourself very hard several times, cut some strings and make some new ones.

once upon a time there was a girl

hmmm

According to the DSM IV, histrionic personality disorder is defined as a continuous pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking behavior. It usually begins in early adulthood and presents in a variety of contexts. According to the DSM IV, a person needs to meet five of the following criteria before a diagnosis is made:

1. Uncomfortable in situations where he or she is not the center of attention. nah

2. Interactions with others is characterized by inappropriate sexual, seductive and provocative behavior. These individuals are very flirtatious. yep

3. Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expressions of emotions. yep

4. Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self. yep

5. Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail. yep

6. They show self dramatization, very theatrical. yep

7. Easily influenced by others and circumstances. yep

8. Consider relationships to be more intimate than they actually are. i'm not sure

Individuals are very reactionary. In group settings, they will clearly set up situations where they will pout, or leave the situation if they are not the center of attention. They have difficulty blending. They will only blend if they can be in the limelight. They can be very destructive to other relationships, and can be a clear source of marital discord since these individuals are very flirtatious and have very poor boundaries. They frequently are misdiagnosed and at times confused with borderline personality disorders.

just great. i have either bpd or hpd or both. just excellent.

sudden lifting of a heavy stone off
fresh air too long avoided
like breaking through a water surface
challenged too long to hold a breath

too many words are engraved wrongly
now to polish them off
and write new ones
lightfooted on more days
can't be carrying too much
starting is easy
carrying on is not
be lightfooted and carry little
there are changes to make

when all has been deemed lost
when there is no direction to speak of
when the body is tired of personal thoughts
when rattling one's cage no longer makes a sound

the hospital saves hahah.

being in hospital made me happy today

being busy at hospital made me calm

having a defined role to play gave me reason

in the midst of sick people

back to the drawing block
erase the plans
erase the lines and the curves
be free
there's no use running
erase the words

i've been here before
not to hard really
just decide
10secs does make difference
there is always tomorrow
just not for everything that you want

i release myself of all these chains
that i hold myself in

i give myself permission to move
anywhere i please

if only to change myself
i shall choose freedom

one last time be moulded
now to release all resentment

no more ridiculous pleading
no more talk of regret

i am tired of settling for just someone else
but i shall try to pick carefully

show me where to go
you whom everyone calls a higher power

i'm listening
i want to be fixed in time

don't no one try to fix me
it doesn't ever work

i am too much a wild flower
too much a liability in waiting

now to be less of that
but still everything i am

tight seize at the centre of a chest
calls out for a warm hand
fingers wring in hopes of some relief
some escape
but i can't let myself escape any longer
the scrapes, scratches loom so close.
sweet surrender, i can't hold your hand
i've been broken down into pieces
and put together too many times
always in a different combination
until i can't remember what i was in the first place
human, girl, animal, nothing
and everything in between
i'm trying to be better
didn't realize all those years would break me
and every crack has a crack over it
every scar has a new wound covering it
and glue is sticking out in weird directions
i'm a composite of all of them
each one left a print
that i carry with me encumbered
burdens i try to relinquish
but that return at morning time
i need to fix myself
i need to fix myself
but how?

walk on the sidewalk on a sunny day
suddenly the sky turns overcast
the sun disappears behind the clouds
a dull twilight to be caught in rain
without an umbrella
can't remember the last time
i ran
or laughed while being stained
clean by raindrop driplets

one, two, three
take a deep breath
say the right words without
shoving a foot into the mouth
couldn't conversations be perfect
like those scripted verses
in the movies
where heroes always win
and time skips by the frame
to a sunset and silhouettes
of an idea of happiness

10secs can make a difference
bump a glass vase
catch or fall? 10secs...
slow motion of hands
stretched out in praise
leap of faith
choose a standstill
crash of glass?
unrewindable
10secs from then

you scare the shit out of people... and then they don't see how scared you are

brown wings unremarkable
free from chains
a moth flew in
and stayed a while
he thought he would be safe
or she thought
good night, good day
a year passes by
like sand and clasped fingers
thug of a thick rope
i could not recognize
and then a moth flew in
a year, a year.
every year.

i'm watching gia at the moment. it's fast becoming one of my favourite movies.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, sylvia, amelie, memento, city of glass and anything mellow, sad, dramatic or just depressing.

how do you know when a junkie is lying? her lips are moving

i'm a junkie.

falling sick... or feel like i'm falling sick...

a bpd person makes for a very good yoyo. chronic feelings of emptiness indeed not offset by periods of satisfaction. sigh.

fix myself. how do i fix myself? how does a person who constantly undermines herself fix it?

skin. fingers. hands. eyes. lips. where did they all go? they regroup in mist clouds. out of focus. like looking through frosted glass. looking through ice, that doesn't melt. smell. sound. that lingers on for ages. after the memory of touch erodes. after fragments of time become hazy and yellow round the edges.

what do you do with a junkie girl who has no love? you forget the time. times.

you always think you have all the time in the world. tomorrow, tomorrow. there's always more time for other things. then suddenly a transparent thin slice of ceiling you thought would hold breaks through.

having myself wrapped up neatly into a few lines of criteria is useless

i knew all that

but i can't kick myself out of it just yet

at least i can now say nope to one of the criteria out of the two i could say no to. i'm slowly growing out of this. but i regress too much. backslide too much. it's like fighting quicksand. to think you're getting somewhere. and then everything seems to overwhelm and you don't think straight. the brain turns to cotton wool mush in a matter of seconds. and what passes for a heart turns to cold glass. that leaves nothing to lead. reality turns into a living dream and every move seems inconsequential. too many lapses in judgment. until i undermine my goal. to give myself the satisfaction of realizing yet another abandonment.

i don't want to settle for another person. enough of that.

There are a bunch of people on the psych run now and i was reading through one of the textbooks. i have borderline personality disorder. =P

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. yep

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. yep

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. yep

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. yep

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior nope

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). yep

7. chronic feelings of emptiness yep

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) nope

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms yep

6 out of 9

The DSM IV goes on to say:

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder have a pattern of unstable and intense relationships (Criterion 2). They may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not "there" enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will "be there" in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficent supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts often reflect disillusionment with a caregiver who nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.

There may be an identity disturbance characterized by markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self (Criterion 3). There are sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image, characterized by shifting goals, values, and vocational aspirations. There may be sudden changes in opinions and plans about career, sexual identity, values, and types of friends. These individuals may suddenly change from the role of a needy supplicant for help to a righteous avenger of past mistreatment. Although they usually have a self-image that is based on being bad or evil, individuals with this disorder may at times have feelings that they do not exist at all. Such experiences usually occur in situations in which the individual feels a lack of meaningful relationship, nurturing and support. These individuals may show worse performance in unstructured work or school situations.

Individuals with this disorder display impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (Criterion 4). They may gamble, spend money irresponsibly, binge eat, abuse substances, engage in unsafe sex, or drive recklessly. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder display recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior (Criterion 5). Completed suicide occurs in 8%-10% of such individuals, and self-mutilative acts (e.g., cutting or burning) and suicide threats and attempts are very common. Recurrent suicidality is often the reason that these individuals present for help. These self-destructive acts are usually precipitated by threats of separation or rejection or by expectations that they assume increased responsibility. Self-mutilation may occur during dissociative experiences and often brings relief by reaffirming the ability to feel or by expiating the individual’s sense of being evil.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may display affective instability that is due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) (Criterion 6). The basic dysphoric mood of those with Borderline Personality Disorder is often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, or despair and is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity troubled by chronic feelings of emptiness (Criterion 7). Easily bored, they may constantly seek something to do. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder frequently express inappropriate, intense anger or have difficulty controlling their anger (Criterion 8). They may display extreme sarcasm, enduring bitterness, or verbal outbursts. The anger is often elicited when a caregiver or lover is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning. Such expressions of anger are often followed by shame and guilt and contribute to the feeling they have of being evil. During periods of extreme stress, transient paranoid ideation or dissociative symptoms (e.g., depersonalization) may occur (Criterion 9), but these are generally of insufficient severity or duration to warrant an additional diagnosis. These episodes occur most frequently in response to a real or imagined abandonment. Symptoms tend to be transient, lasting minutes or hours. The real or perceived return of the caregiver’s nurturance may result in a remission of symptoms.

Associated Features and Disorders

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may have a pattern of undermining themselves at the moment a goal is about to be realized (e.g., dropping out of school just before graduation; regressing severely after a discussion of how well therapy is going; destroying a good relationship just when it is clear that the relationship could last). Some individuals develop psychotic-like symptoms (e.g., hallucinations, body-image distortions, ideas of reference, and hypnotic phenomena) during times of stress. Individuals with this disorder may feel more secure with transitional objects (i.e., a pet or inanimate possession) than in interpersonal relationships. Premature death from suicide may occur in individuals with this disorder, especially in those with co-occurring Mood Disorders or Substance-Related Disorders. Physical handicaps may result from self-inflicted abuse behaviors or failed suicide attempts. Recurrent job losses, interrupted education, and broken marriages are common. Physical and sexual abuse, neglect, hostile conflict, and early parental loss or separation are more common in the childhood histories of those with Borderline Personality Disorder. Common co-occurring Axis I disorders include Mood Disorders, Substance-Related Disorders, Eating Disorders (notably Bulimia), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder also frequently co-occurs with the other Personality Disorders.

watch 'accepted'. it's funny and quite happyfying =)

it's some movie about some guy who accidentally created his own college because he couldn't get into any real colleges since he's such a slacker. =))))

end up watching movies instead of studying. haha. stress less.

another day tomorrow! tackle the cold, try to look interested and try to not ask silly questions.

Jungle roar of my alarm, the start of another day
Dead of my room, the dark mornings of winter
Dread i move from the comforts of blankets
Into the cold i go, into a scalding hot shower
Draping layers to brave another day

I hate cold mornings. No fun running to and from showering.

3rd day surgery. Haven't been to OT yet. presented 2 patients today. at least i did something. paper round with 5 consultants, 3 registrars, house surgeon, TI and charge nurse is scary. everyone is looking at you while you present. imagine if you make an ass of yourself. i presented once today. sweating in my shoes for the 2 mins. haha.

coming home from clinics on a bus i suddenly feel satisfied with the day.

icy cold fingers like an icy cold heart
just about blue from the lack of
and halfway through there's too much blood in the way
thump of a red squish too insignificant to distinguish
from a fly on the wall learning inconspicuous
lining eyes black to manifest a mask
acceptable to all in the audience
blue is a thread through
running from pillar to pillar
of a shiny coloured hourglass crack
in the wall of this thump squish
careless hands grab at the last strands
of what doesn't remain and pretend
maybe there is a sliver of hope
because hope is all there is
left
tinkle creak creep sudden sounds
no, nothing there
just another nightmare
in reverse
no answer to any call
wall silence, wall face,
plain whiteness built in place
i built in place
and crumbled at my own work
the in-between unseen, meaning undone
the same as nothing
precious nothing.
icy cold hands, like an icy cold heart
icy cold heart deserves an icy cold empty bed.

now only do i understand why white people love the sun.

having lotsa cold weather is quite depressing and you do start to crave warm warm sunshine.

it was cold enough last night that my joints ached. ecks.

=P

i miss ...

i'm just waiting around for the test time...

i miss

i need more long sleeve clothes. i'm so gonna freeze

routine is beginning to bore me. but i shall resist. from clicking.

counting more days. clean. unclicked.

i had a dream

and a strange name came up

bela fleck was the bartender and he asked me if i wanted a b52

and he said here's looking at you kid with a gentle knock on my chin

where did that come from?

and i don't watch old movies either... so very strange

shouldn't i be in more pain that this?

feeling weird these few days.

still remembering

counting more days for different reasons

disturbing thoughts rush by often
the kind of black macawbe and disgusting goo
is there nothing sacred?
blink of a strobe light brings senses back
sick shivers up the spine till it chokes
stamping out evil
but fearful how often it does

bad karma spreads like a virus

and i'm emotionally retarded

reading surgery tutorials

omg

so much to know

tired from reading

good... fall straight to sleep in a bit

how the hell do people remember all this and remember it for a long time as well?

i'm running with a pair of scissors in my hands
and they've been bloodied beyond recognition
every cut made intentionally
every time blinded to all that
and then i scream injustice unfairly

still can't cut loose of this damned bubble wrap

i cleaned out the corner
and now it no longer has a memory

skin crawls at the thoughts

drip drip drip
thick red, no it's green.
not human, barely
temporary lapse of judgment

only forever miles to go now

been so happy to go back to class

busy days just staring at notes and papers and books. sounds so much better than staring into space.

no more staring at the screen willing myself not to click or type but failing.

i'm glad for at least the one niceness.

snap out of this, bloody hell

about turn here

be quiet to

--------------------

it does hurt more to

---------------------

leave alone

live alone

---------------------

(about turning here)

there's a space in the middle
pouring out a whole lot of nothing
into a whole lot of nothing
and it makes a feeling unbearable

and there's a little sound like whimpering
but not quite
and a lot of noisy breathing
just to keep the air clear

hyperventilating

to keep the head clear

on the edge
on the edge

i'm on my own

where does that leave the morning?

and there it is

the thing sharper than a double-edged sword

stabbed stabbed stabbed

green sliding off this dress

stab me in the heart now please

with something sharper than a double-edged sword

because i have a heart of pure stone

maybe i was confused

but i think i'm quite stuck

in this rut

i can't

kick free

a man says move

and i can just about budge

a little

but

cannot

wriggle free

shiver quiet in the death of night
a silver sliver of shiny light
she calls out to the dark shadows
her voice echoes back

what then does that mean?
turned monster now then?
no turning back now then?
no starting over now then?

the black hills hide from the sun
long ago sunrise from a curtainless window
warmth from a familiar hand
never more.

again that plastic gaze, smile to melt the world
and fail at the one who matters most
fall at the grey ruins and plead your case
the wise tree cannot help you

i'm on my own

practised lines whispered in flight
feign a shudder of fear to fool
learn, learning, learnt
staying that way, happy?

i'm on my own

shudder a real fear
under covers away from the collectives
under covers away from eyes
i am on my own

condemn those collective mouths

enough whispering

should i then portray only a quietness that isn't me

and to slither into blackness and silence in surrender

enough

i am beaten. leave me be

condemn those collective mouths

i can't sleep

i'm restless

i'm up all night watching video after video on youtube... all meaningless... barely entertaining.

there is the quiet of being alone

there is the simplicity of being free

and there is the tugging at my heart

downhill starts here... cycle 2