everything that reminds i don't avoid
when before i would've, so that i'd forget
scrub away, rub out, scratch off
even something simple like vanilla coke
when before i would've blanked out
frantically grabbing for any strand of rubbish
that i may be relieved of any open wounds
may this wound never heal
may i carry it the remainder of the days
no more slipping, no more slipping
no more next times
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i fall asleep at night and wake up before my alarm. there is no initial glad that everything never happened. i fall asleep knowing and wake knowing. where was this guilt? where were these thoughts? where was this sense? i am left to fumble on my own. i cannot fumble any longer. so i just stop. every small moment, happy and sad, i follow through instead of going around to avoid. i tell myself, this is what you threw away, this is what you broke, this is what you lost, this is what you didn't think for, was it worth it, what was so wrong you had to wrong back. i rehash every memory. never heal, wounds. all i ever had to do was think. why was it so much to ask.
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