2months of silence
not too much to ask
2months of silence
silence
last blog entry. see you all in 2 months
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
to find someone you love you have to be someone you love
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
these four walls will be my friends. at least they don't bite back and they don't talk and they don't make mistakes
at least i'll be losing the weight... sigh.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
stab stab stab, stabbed
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
how can someone this beautiful be so ugly?
how can someone say she wants something so badly and do the exact opposite?
how can someone understand only so late?
turn back, you who are spiralling, before it's too late.
run, run like hell, before it's too late
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
everything that reminds i don't avoid
when before i would've, so that i'd forget
scrub away, rub out, scratch off
even something simple like vanilla coke
when before i would've blanked out
frantically grabbing for any strand of rubbish
that i may be relieved of any open wounds
may this wound never heal
may i carry it the remainder of the days
no more slipping, no more slipping
no more next times
-------------------------
i fall asleep at night and wake up before my alarm. there is no initial glad that everything never happened. i fall asleep knowing and wake knowing. where was this guilt? where were these thoughts? where was this sense? i am left to fumble on my own. i cannot fumble any longer. so i just stop. every small moment, happy and sad, i follow through instead of going around to avoid. i tell myself, this is what you threw away, this is what you broke, this is what you lost, this is what you didn't think for, was it worth it, what was so wrong you had to wrong back. i rehash every memory. never heal, wounds. all i ever had to do was think. why was it so much to ask.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
this life
and i can only sit back and pain at what my own hands have done
no self-pity but only regret that i didn't stay changed
this burden i will not relinquish to yet another excuse
so that it will serve to remind, to reprimand, to punish
that i will never forget
one moment to erase made me erased
no excuse, no excuse, these actions were uncalled
everyday for a long time i will write think
till these walls are empty of that selfish monster child
dear moth i wronged you, brushed you under another ugly bruise
no more hiding, i remember you too.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
odd silencing of the turmoil within from before
when all was clear to all but not clear to me
odd white noise shushing, shushing that child
and i can hear my heart beat every step
thunk thunk, empty heart, thunk thunk
i dare not move in fear of my own shadow
they will be staring and pointing and spitting
i dare not move in fear
such a weak mind, such a weak spirit
be changed be changed for goodness sake be changed
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
assignments still need to be done
exams need to taken and passed
people will still tell me bluntly
days cannot be passed sitting blankly at the screen
nights cannot be just slept through
and i must learn to not just move on and start over and not learn from my mistakes.
because moving on and starting over has always been easy
too late again but i'm stopping here. just stopping.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
why stuff up when i was so close
why go off the track when i was so near the finishing line
why the same mistake when i thought i'd learnt
why sink here again when i was there
why throw everything away when so much was at stake
why test the strength of a person when i didn't have to
why push everyone away
why not work for the very thing i wanted
why not just stop
why not just think
why not just be a decent human being
why lie
why hide
why hold back when i should've been putting everything into it
why keep quiet when things should've been said
why
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
and let me have the strength to change
and stay changed
i'm staying
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
erase me, lest i forget
erase all those times and moments, nothing to you now
erase all thought, all care, lest i should widdle back
erase sound and image and memory, meaningless now
erase words and promises, ashes and dust
erase all dreams each of us had
erase all hope, i broke that, amongst all other things
erase, erase, erase...
i'll stay, maybe too late, to stay.
one step forward, a lifetime steps back
more steps forward, don't look back.
erase erase erase
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
i lost faith a long time ago. faith in everything. and then i lost everything. it sounds like self-pity but it's not. i say it as a fact. i lost everything. some sick part of me is satisfied that i lost everything because it proved her right. that everyone leaves in the end so why try. sick sick sick. what sane person would come up with that?
if losing everything is what i had to have happen to me to learn, so be it.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
swish, swish,
pariah stands to face the crowd
swish, swish,
pariah falls to the ground
swish, swish,
pariah learns the magnitude of actions
swish, swish,
pariah remembers only now
swish, swish,
pariah faces the black rain
accepts that change must begin
swish,
black rain don't let pariah forget
stop, stop making the same mistakes again.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
to him who loved me, to him who trusted.
i have wronged you terribly.
the world should continue its rampage.
throw every arrow and stone and wooden slipper at me.
there's nowhere lower i could go
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
is busy. try again later.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
i say i am wrong. i deserve no less punishment than to be publicly stoned.
and i need a shrink. a person cannot be this stupid without a psych problem.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
this is a pretty shell with an ugly content. glittering gold and silver only to reveal a mucky grey no one should expect. then to think there are so many one could offer but don't. because there are so many reasons a person is selfish. so who are we but humans who make mistakes? some lesser than others? count those lucky who have the self respect. count those foolish who have no strength. in one landslide lose a love. in one flash lose a minute. in one sentence lose a faith. in one word lose a life.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (2)
i only repent too late. i have no faith and i have no backbone. there, i said it. to the world, i say i am nothing. nothing. empty shell of a human being not worth saving. do your worst. thank you consequence for kicking me in the face. because that was what i needed to learn. thank you bad mistakes. thank you lies. thank you. because i never learn from you. i dare backslide yet again and yet again i never learn and repent only too late. why is doing the right thing so difficult? why is being a decent person so much to ask? why must i insist on ruining myself? why must i insist on becoming stained? why can't i just stick to being good? why am i so impatient? why so stupid? why so lost? why so selfish? why so self-centred? why must everything be about me? why can't i just think about other people? why push away everyone who cares? why hurt the ones i love?
i feel i've just lost everything.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (1)
words, words can strike and maim and kill. funny how they have an ability to proliferate, multiply and twist in ways too many. then to come out from those you thought were friendly. and each whispered syllable, jagged-edged sword cloaked, rings through the masses. weaving, weaving. nicking bits from imaginative wits then creative monster takes the reigns. suddenly there dawns a time to be invisible.
invisible.
we each of us have flaws too ugly to mention. in daylight, shiny and bright, bear these scars self-inflicted. in borrowed light, high on stereotypes, some of us lose too much reflected. dare they throw the stones to break these bones. yes, they do and throw they do. swish, swish. fall of another pariah at the hands of black rain. till time forgets and pariah is invisible again.
invisible.
-----------------------------------------------------------
poof goes the magician, thin air, thin air. precious nothing under all that pretty hair.
poof goes the magician, thin air, thin air. precious nothing under all that pretty hair.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
to change out of this skin,
that's worn and torn and
inappropriate.
so marred by wrecks of past
mistakes and habits i am now
inappropriate.
let those thunders strike, wounded
bleeding, fallen, felled, still
inappropriate.
then to renew, i concede defeat
i accept these terms on stranger grounds
to be less
inappropriate.
inappropriate.
silence those willful words, they
do no good, no work towards
being less
inappropriate.
inappropriate.
thus the violent kick pushes through
it is a time of change
to being less
inappropriate.
inappropriate.
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
by sarah mclachlan
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
I haven't been posting much at all... hmmm... mostly because by the time I'm back from the hospital I'm pooped and I'm just barely trying to keep myself awake as I try and study something for the next day. Haha! Ya well... we're all probably suffering from some sorta chronic fatigue syndrome... all of us are zombie-like these days, except probably Moush who seems to be enjoying her general surgery run out in Middlemore.
So I'm on my orthopaedic run right now and honestly I feel so lost. It's been 4 days and I'm finally getting some of my bearings in order. It's so extremely lax and most of the time the house surgeons and the registrars are like, "so what do you want to do today?" and Dhivyan and I go, "er, well we can go through physical examinations or we can practise taking history if there are patients to see since we have to do a case report... er, is there anything else we can learn?" Haha... *lost expressions left, right and center* Yep, so that's more or less how a days runs.
Mornings we get there at 7.30am for a handover session where we sit around blur watching the consultants and everyone else discussing management of the patients and looking at their x-rays and stuff... and hopefully if there's a question we can answer it. (most of the time someone does which is good although it'd be nice to score brownie points answering something impressive) and then we go on a ward round and watch alot. It's like Seremban again but at least it's not humid and hot and everyone speaks English (hallelujah!).
And then we're free to do whatever... I wish we were just scheduled for stuff but I guess it's a 'take an initiative to learn' kinda thing. Bleks =P
In other news, I finally went clubbing in Auckland! It was St. Patrick's Day (Irish holiday where everyone makes an excuse to go party, drink and generally go nuts) and I went out with a Sun and a Kalpa. It was quite silly really because another Russian girl was supposed to come along but she'd gone out already and came home quite drunk and fell comatose on her sofa. I amazingly had fun anyway and we club hopped a bunch of places since they don't have cover charge. YAY! And the music was good which was what saved the night. And I only had 3 tequila shots.
So I'm on my orthopaedic run right now and honestly I feel so lost. It's been 4 days and I'm finally getting some of my bearings in order. It's so extremely lax and most of the time the house surgeons and the registrars are like, "so what do you want to do today?" and Dhivyan and I go, "er, well we can go through physical examinations or we can practise taking history if there are patients to see since we have to do a case report... er, is there anything else we can learn?" Haha... *lost expressions left, right and center* Yep, so that's more or less how a days runs.
Mornings we get there at 7.30am for a handover session where we sit around blur watching the consultants and everyone else discussing management of the patients and looking at their x-rays and stuff... and hopefully if there's a question we can answer it. (most of the time someone does which is good although it'd be nice to score brownie points answering something impressive) and then we go on a ward round and watch alot. It's like Seremban again but at least it's not humid and hot and everyone speaks English (hallelujah!).
And then we're free to do whatever... I wish we were just scheduled for stuff but I guess it's a 'take an initiative to learn' kinda thing. Bleks =P
In other news, I finally went clubbing in Auckland! It was St. Patrick's Day (Irish holiday where everyone makes an excuse to go party, drink and generally go nuts) and I went out with a Sun and a Kalpa. It was quite silly really because another Russian girl was supposed to come along but she'd gone out already and came home quite drunk and fell comatose on her sofa. I amazingly had fun anyway and we club hopped a bunch of places since they don't have cover charge. YAY! And the music was good which was what saved the night. And I only had 3 tequila shots.
Sun, Me, Kalpa. Behind us is the marina where there's a bunch of sailboats... It's quite nice really =) but too bad I didn't catch it =P
Another random bit of my time here... we had a plaster session one day and we got to put casts on each other. That was a fun afternoon =)
Dhivyan - Mr. Plaster my arm man and Wei San with her cast =D
This is my casted arm =) It's quite hot in a cast, haha, and also quite tight in there =P
This is the saw you cut it open with. It's very cool... you'll never be able to saw through someone's arm, unless you deliberately rub it against the skin repeatedly. I don't know how it works but it saws through the cast but won't cut skin if you go too deep.
So yep, haven't been doing much aside from sitting around after hospital time at the end of the day and studying and possibly exacerbating my herniated disc and altogether looking so very forward to the weekends. It's just such a shame that Saturdays and Sundays go by too quickly.
And since I'm such a narcissist, here's a picture of me before I cut my hair, out at a BBQ at some park with someone else's shades on =) Look quite the duh but I don't care! =D
Posted by
Marilyn
comments (0)
I cut my hair again!
Free!
Courtesy of Toni and Guy, Newmarket, Auckland. I saved NZ$80 today! And as usual, I have taken photos of myself to show the world (narcissist me =P) I must say I was a little uncomfortable with what Misuzu (that the Japanese stylist who offered me the free cut) was explaining to me before she started cutting but since she was practising for a competition coming up this Sunday (which she won last year) I figured it couldn't go too far wrong. Hee hee!
Front side =)
Right side
Left sideIt's gewd... and she only took 45min... because she only has 45min to cut, blow and style the do on the competition day itself. I was quite impressed. She had out her little pink, extremely jewelled flip phone out to time herself. So happy! I love it... even though I've already had one comment that it looks dyke-ish. Haha!
Other than the haircut my days here have been interesting enough. I'm on my anaesthetics run right now so it's alot of operating theatre time and lots of watching people being put to sleep and people being woken up. I got to do a few IV cannulas and intubated once and yep... generally trying to appear as interested as I can... yep yep... I MISS KL! But Auckland okay too =D
Other than the haircut my days here have been interesting enough. I'm on my anaesthetics run right now so it's alot of operating theatre time and lots of watching people being put to sleep and people being woken up. I got to do a few IV cannulas and intubated once and yep... generally trying to appear as interested as I can... yep yep... I MISS KL! But Auckland okay too =D
