Random Thought Bubbles

I've been taking the bus to rural GP. It's a half an hour ride into the countryside where the buses only run by once every 2hrs or so and green as far as the eye can see. The crisp morning wind greets me each day as i make my way to the bus-stop for the 7.30am bus. early day bustle of people going to work and i keep wishing for the summer holidays to creep closer quicker (indeed they are because the days to prepare for exams are dissipating quick) then i sit at the stop imagine i'm waiting for everything else but the bus to rural GP =P

same load of kids get on the bus to school too. the girls have the shortest kilt-patterned skirts i have ever seen as school uniforms. the hems flip-flop so precariously i am always tempted to watch as they traipse down the bus steps because they invariably hop off, and the wind catches and flash of black. they have little short like things underneath but it's ever so wrong. schools should never have skirts that short. even with shorts underneath. don't label me pervert, you all would watch too, from the corner of your beady little eyes you little devils.

then half an hour passes by, i'm drowsy from being shaken way too early in the morning by a bus load of noisy kids. and off to GP i go.

the gp drove me out to the beach today. he really didn't have to but he thought i'd like to see a little more of waimauku. that's where the clinic is.

and i didn't pounce.

what the hell is happening to me?

how do you write something away when it refuses to go? how do you remove the stain? the subconscious psyche says good morning to old marks every morning when every night you say good night and good riddance. days like this it would be nice to have an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind erasure. wouldn't they make a lot of money if it were ethically right.

i tried to read medically unrelated articles today. i learnt that there was once a movement for mail to be sent by rockets. and it was seriously considered until people realized rockets tend to blow up on landing... or rather crashing. and the guy who made it popular was exhiled to germany where he was from. poor mr. zucker. and then i read an article on rats. apparently there's a reserve here in new zealand devoid of rats as are the north and south poles and alberta, canada. apparently. the black rat we see is the rattus rattus. and it's smart enough to be trained to sniff out mines. imagine a whole lot of rats on a minefield sniffing out the bombs. and blowing up if unsuccessful. ew. robots could do that instead but trashed bombed up robots is deemed to be inhumane treatment. but doesn't inhumane mean mean to humans... not robots... people and their opinions.

and then it was the end of me reading totally unmedical articles. i have become wholly uninteresting because of being in medical school. this shouldn't be the case. what happened to me? i'm living in a very grey, very empty bubble of self-absorption with barely enough self to be self-absorbed about. and not being a teenager also means there's no longer an excuse to be obsessed with the unfairness of the world because it's all in the choices we make. it's really our own faults.

where is this thing that will satisfy? i feel a box brimful of hidden aggression with flashes of crashing glass and broken furniture strewn. a prepubertal mass of old habits has been thrown out of this house. but the old lady has her hands stuck with thick honey. the gooey lumps drip down her arms. making a mess on the immaculate marble floor. she thinks this is better than before, but, something is still missing. a large part of the house is missing.

release...

where is the release?

pulling my hair out reading these notes. it's like cramming too much information into a tiny box. and everything keeps spilling back out and blowing away. and re-reading seems to make it all familiar but my tiny brain refuses to focus. there's a non-specific dull ringing at the core like a thick gong being struck incessantly, persistently calling for attention. to which i would like to attend to if only i knew what it wanted.

it's nearing the end of the year. end of the year. i thought that was the time of the year that would take too long to arrive. i guess in a way, it was. i'm in a new place but already i want to move somewhere else. i should be a nomad living out of a suitcase. maybe a travelling doctor. if i make it through med school and make enough money to roam the world. but that would mean having to be alone all the time. i'm not sure i can handle that just yet... although i spend alot of time not talking to people nowadays. but as you can read, i'm beginning to suffer from the effects of being a pseudo-recluse.

but i would go back to kl though. the place just reeks of home. although i was only there for 3 years and didn't know it before then. i would go back to the smog, the city lights, the swanky clubs, shopping malls that are actually malls, my frieeennndsss.maybe i will go back there even though i'd rather not take history in malay or chinese. haha. is this a low-grade homesick?

now i'm beginning to regret not booking a flight back to kl. damn. why oh why did i have such idealistic, unreasonable hopes? lessons, lessons.

i want a whirlwind to happen but i'm still not ready. it's beginning to annoy me, still not being ready. it's like being a gingerbread man on a pan, not allowed out of the oven, because the dough's not completely baked through... almost there but not quite. haha, i just likened myself to a gingerbread man =P maybe i'm just sick of the monotony.

misty light and smokescreens. looking across a bathscape. steam rising off cold skin. many firsts have rolled over and slipped away. a hand slices the calm shiny surface. hits the smooth impersonal porcelain. she asks, what is it you want most?

a voice echoes back. for firsts to be firsts again. and for last looks to last. (it could be possible, couldn't it?)

trickle sink of driplet drops. gurgle of water disturbed. many last looks have faded grey, almost dirty white. too many firsts make all the rest repeats in a different light. she asks, where is it you want to go most?

small voices open up. to that place in the movies, with the lake and the rowboats and the summer sun. (some day a boy and a girl will take a boat ride under that big sea-green dome with the calm waters and the trees)

ring ding quiet sing. where, where is that, that, one earth shattering moment? where the heart skips a beat, no, many beats and feels almost a small bird in an even tinier cage, flitter fluttering. then time stops a moment that lasts just so long. and nothing else exists. a look, a word, a mutual feeling.

some days i think i've already had it and am thankful.

sometimes you have to stand still to think about where you're going ;)

timothy and i went to his friend's brother's 21st birthday party. yes, i am deprived enough to not mind attending parties like that =D it was interesting because it was a high school themed party with 'periods' for different 'classes' (meaning games) and every one was supposed to dress up obviously. and appropriately it was held at a hall that's adjacent to a library. very cute, i thought =P and this is my new schoolgirl outfit. =D

so there's carlton on the left, timothy, me and jun wei (whose brother turned 21 today). I miss the kecohppl girls. now have to mengada in front of camera with random people haha

velli the cool lah i think =D timothy's camera and camera skills =D happifying betul to be able to camwhore for a while =))