Random Thought Bubbles

stepped up to a plate
sandy wind in my face
then it wasn't something new
i knew the game

surprise surprise
someone ran a thread
in the needle
and a ray of light flickered

cracked of a bat
but i've already heard
he runs a perfect
again and again

i am surprised

squish a bit of sand in a hand. pull a weed. wind cool breeze. sound of swinging glee. whee. run as fast as these legs will go. fall fall. scrap a knee. salty lips. lick the iron tinge. throb throb. pick a toy, a colourful toy. no, this won't do, it hurts the fingers too. throw. no, no one else can pick the same. toy belongs to the ground. give me. i picked first, go pick some other. give it back. tire of the colour. this toy can fall. to the ground. where it belongs. leave it be. bedtime stories now. a sea of toys in tow. pick one up, hands full. put a colour down. sleep, sleep calls. where does the toy go now?

pop goes the lights fantastic
trip a little fall alot
pale on flush of pink red ink
till the haze aglow in synch

peel back those lids
seal down those lips
paint up dirty wordsmith
sew sew sew submissive

pass the salt now clockwise
join the rocking mass
pull a heart string jagged
jack them bare legged

point a crooked finger
ill conceived deliver
passive act asunder
inside this sea come hither

very suddenly there's so much to think about
and having to be objective
not much surprises me anymore
but i'm surprised with the clarity
i spoke too soon when i said there was no more emo-crap
to emo about
but it's not really emo-ing is it when i'm being objective

interesting

so i ran into some drama

these last few weeks

and i realized some things

1. working it through with a practical head makes everything a whole lot easier
2. consider your options and decide based on the pros and cons, leaving emotions out of it
3. i'm more willing to cut my losses and move rather than stagnating
4. sometimes there is just no good option
5. there will always be a very thin line between love and hate
6. my gut instincts on people is usually right
7. i don't tend to follow my gut instincts though
8. i don't get angry, i just deal with it
9. these bouts of clarity don't last for long
10. (just to make it a round number) boys are all the same

uf, i need a nap

Uf, haven't blogged in forever. Site hits have hit an all time low. this blogging business is falling off. nuffing very exciting to say. and since there's just been cryptic emo crap i won't go into that again. not much cryptic emo crap happening at the mo anyways. which is a very good thing. hamilton has been quite cold. my down duvet and egyptian sheets are keeping me warm and happy enough. surgery is keeping me busy. and i've been occupied. plus, my laptop's been on the fritz. refuses to let the driver for my wifi get installed. which means i can't go online wirelessly from my room. which means i'm online less. which means i don't go unnecessarily bothering myself with unnecessary concerns and communications. this going off the internet has been doing very positive things for my psyche.

just some pictures to catch up anyone who's still trying to look out for updates. they say more than words would anyway. i got a new camera... (well not new anymore) so i finally have pictures of my own to put up =P

and we had wine. and my cloth made an appearance also

and took silly pictures

thomas didn't want to wear pants. he had shorts on under the table

and zhi yuen surprised me by actually wearing his blazer too

i made chicken with cashews and leek stove top stuffing. it doesn't look so good but it was yum. take my word for it

this is kinda backwards but i made pumpkin soup from scratch for starters. the boys helped with the pumpkin slaughtering. pumpkins are difficult things to chop up. and then we had cream puffs and jelly for dessert. because i got lazy =P

then we went up to auckland to go to khang hee, sui ling, stephanie and jen xin's housewarming. carrie was there too =)

i wore my fake eyelashes

food in hamilton is actually quite good. some others have said iguana's not good but i went with thomas and man keat and it was gewd. vanilla creme brulee is yummy

i'd like a kitchen like that at home

and then one of the weeks i went up to auckland and got a hair cut. toni&guy again. i think i'll be a fan of the franchise for a long time.

the stylist did a good job saving my dye job so that it'd look like i got it redyed with the cut.

then lina was in town. so we went out

we went to bungalow

it was surprisingly kinda empty. but we still had a good time

we also had a 'high fashion' party. but i think we had too much to drink. well, i had too much to drink. and out of all the photos we took, only this one came out acceptable >_<

i think the boys did better with the posing for pics

and then one week we went up to auckland to david's birthday too. a whole bunch of us went out for malaysian food.

class dinner. moi and tess =)

and i had to take a photo with bridget. because we both love shoes

the food was ok. but it was nice catching up with people :) and it's real boring just sitting around at home all the time.

yep, that's pretty much all i've been doing. and trying to be a useful trainee intern on the surgical team. the busy is good :)

most of my days are calm now. except for the occasional hiccups. and i am a drifter. i stop when i see the big truck's headlights approaching. stop short in my tracks. frozen with fear and uncertainty. i stopped scratching a long time ago. the itch is no longer an itch. and i am an interesting person as you get to know me but damaged goods don't come without the excess baggage. because that is the only way to learn from mistakes. to carry them with you.

disassociating. cold shower panic. i stop now because i used to run into the headlights. i think that's an improvement.

I'm excited :) because lina's coming back and because it's the new year again. some really difficult lessons learnt at the end of the rat year that. but i suppose it had to be done. and all in such a short span of time. it tested the change. i could easily have relapsed. but i didn't. and we all thought better of some people. the series of unfortunate events unfolded and it feels like this was all a preconceived plan. i find organized religion impossible to follow but the higher power appears to have been wrapping this up for a while now.

on a total tangent, i've been meeting too many people who know people i know. the world is really too freaking small.

it died. so very suddenly. on a sunday afternoon. a swift lifting so obvious i was surprised. not even a hole left behind to fill. because there shouldn't have been anything there in the first place. i'd made that space for someone who couldn't care for it. for a long time, i thought it was supposed to be a gradual thing. the business of burning flowers. i was blind and would prostrate myself at the altar.

never again.

i always say the day i stop crying is the day i stop caring. didn't think it'd actually come true.

bah, tani dah ngaleh. indada lagi.

speechless.

i woke up this morning feeling fine until a big splash of cold filled my chest. but that's okay. it can only be expected. there is a feeling of freedom. after a long drawn out battle. even though i lost. but freedom still. and i have not wasted anymore tears on this. so hello world, i'm doing pretty good here.

GG. i bow down in awe. for all the technicalities. not even a hint of stain on those hands. respect.

just as suddenly as it all started. poof. and in all that blazing glory, i shall burn those final flowers. but in case i should not be allowed to bear witness, it will be alright. this door can be closed now. i can say i tried.

be still. be calm. there is only accepting now. a lesson has been taught. let the cleaning commence. exorcise the spirits. there is an end in sight. embrace. i am changed. it wouldn't have been this quiet otherwise.

i learnt a very difficult lesson. just that. ouch.

there was only so much i could take. it's okay. it just became too ridiculous. this is as far as i can go.

without the cloud of drama, it's obvious a large portion needs to be rewritten

it's to the moon or bust. anyway.