it's important to sleep in the right conditions
darkness without lights on, comfort, no distractions, routine before sleeping, no stimulants like caffeine before sleep time. happiness. maybe a little warm milk before bed. and a hug =)
sleeping happy is important. falling asleep angry is almost like not sleeping at all.
and to consolidate memories. ah, memories. they haunt like the ghost of christmas past.
tonight i shall fall asleep happy. onward for tomorrow!
holidays soon... really can't wait for the end of this run. me no psychiatrist. that's for sure.
good night to all... sleep well... sleep like the dead who have no dreams... or have pleasant dreams... i seem to keep remembering the bad ones though... time for good dreams =) let only the good ones come true please.
the groom came along and he was distressed because he was getting cold feet. the strange thing was that he looked like the guy from scrubs but was actually someone else in my head. he had a red sash, black suit and bow-tie. nowadays people in my dreams have faces. (they didn't use to... just a blank where the face should be).
but the scaffold ropes snap and i'm falling, falling, faaaalllliinnnggg into a moat full of snakes and crocodiles below.
then i wake up and the train was double plus late that day which made me late for the round. i hate that feeling of falling in nightmares.
i can tell you that it's an annoying feeling. i've been suffering from discontentment for the whole night. it's not food or sleep because i've satisfied both in the background of this mystery craving. the basic needs of food, clothes and shelter are adequate (although no girl can have enough clothes, or shoes for that matter).
one cannot scratch the itch if one doesn't know what the itch is. itches should come with proper labels, feelings or sounds. people can get horribly confused about them. although i'm not confused really. just a tad bit irritated. and a maybe a teensy bit bored =D
can't wait for the end of this run... enough of the mad and the sad.
Setareh, Lara and me
Me and my big arms, yunmi and lara at pre-ball (that was the first time i heard of a pre-ball. haha. i thought people usually had post-ball)
Lara and Imogen
Set, me, yunmi, lara and imogen
Ciaran... i have a thick neck in this one. haha.
Imogen, diana, tess, me - on the dance floor
Grrr... diana, noor, tess
I'm not sure who the girl in dark blue is...
Chester
This is actually after the ball ended - in front of the dj table thingy
Noor in royal blue
Diana =)
This is renus
This is sonia - she shoulda been in bollywood with the rest of us =P
Nikki is way tall...
sometimes people take group photos like this =D when everyone's not doing the same thing. haha.
Time to get back to reality and do some work. haha. 2 more weeks to holiday! but study holiday really. Thanks to timothy for lending me his camera =) otherwise half these photos would probably have been blurred if i'd used my old camera =D
i finally found that movie!
i saw it a long time ago playing on gsc international screens in midvalley. for a long time i was waiting to watch it with someone. then it ran it's course and something else was put up. but i'm watching it now =)
it's a jap movie with a chinese title i think that translates literally to standing at the centre of the world shouting out love. the chinese sounds so much better. it's veli veli mushy. about a guy who goes to school with this girl and they become friends and fall in love (d'oh) but she dies tragically of leukemia (how typical) and he's in the present going to marry someone but he goes back to his hometown and rehashes all the memories they had together. veli the corny but i like =D
movies on unrequited love are the saddest kind... but best to watch =P
=) yes as above =)
forget me as i you
to erase all hope and resentment
then should ever we meet
be different like stones
to learn from mistakes
so the one after would not suffer
i walk my path alone
treading the sandy beach, careful
not to stir the translucent crabs
i was so afraid of
i forget what that was like
so the one after shall not suffer
good night forces. i expect some lightning soon.
Taking a group photo - Take 1
Taking a better group photo - take 2 - Bridget N right up front. second row l to r - Diana, Me, Bridget M (she did the hip hop part of the dance), Divya "token indian girl". back row - Tess, Noor "eva" Ali, YunMi. hidden way back - Lara.
Noor, Tess "classic siren look", Diana, Divya and yours truly
Me and Lara - The single girls
Me and Diana - girl with lotsa make-up equipment we all borrowed from. haha =P
Noor "the eva lookalike" and me trying to be indian
Max the Pirate, me and noor =)
Bridget, Me and Div (in her little girl uniform)
Moi, Diana and Lara
Layers upon layers of make-up, baby!
I think she likes me ;)
The mirror loves us =) as do we it.
All in all i think i did enjoy the med revue regardless. now i'm just waiting for the dvd of the thing to come out so i can put up the video. good job everyone! i had a great time teaching and performing the dance with everyone =)
i'm fine now.
reboot done.
drunk for personal record of 10hours.
after party after the performance
don't remember anything
mission achieved
time to sleep
med revue day 2
i danced drunk eh. it wasn't great to be onstage today. but it dulled the ache.
no butterflies, no adrenaline, no rush... just a bittersweet taste in my mouth. and the lights and the audience didn't exist. all i could hear were names, pictures and the awful twang of my red box.
and half the time i'm faraway from there.
amazing i didn't just forget all the moves. autopilot kicked in right on time. plastic smile and a pretend enthusiasm to mask. mask like the layers of make-up on my face. make-up i could tear to. bottled relief saved my part of the dance.
i'll be a drama queen if i want to be. no one to answer to right.
blitz litz tid bitz
the night swirls in a blur i don't want to remember.
i might not be crushed the same way but i am crushed.
tomorrow another day, another day and another day
ouch says the red box. ouch says the girl. and you deserve this you dumb *$&# says the man at the newspaper stand.
it was a good week while it lasted. day 5 tomorrow and the weekend. after party tomorrow. i suppose this is a good enough reason to 'celebrate'.
she says it's time to go
go on, go on, like you always do
nights quiet, quiet like ears filled with goo
green light of the traffic light
she says it's just another night
screech of the tyres on wet plight
sudden sound of a crushed white
and in that car a couple sits
voiceless, voiceless, desperate creeps
i think maybe she knows, she knows
dreams tells stories like ribbons make bows
slivers of a cigarette tail
he holds death in his hands like a nail
hammer ready to hit, hit, hit
red blood, oh bleed bleed bleed
she thinks maybe it's time, it's time. the bottled relief calls a name unholy. buzzkill begone. she just needs a little time-out.
adrenaline rush! i'm nervous and excited at the same time!
omg! adrenaline junkie eh.
just got back from psych and it was a good day although it started with having a yucky nightmare in the morning.
but,
opening night's tonight and it's great this adrenaline in the blood. i hope i don't forget any of the moves. everything needs to be autopilot so i can smile at the same time. haha. love it!!
look out for photos and the possibly a video! :))))))
The girls and I went to the theatre today to show the directors what we've got for the dance.
the theatre looks like the actor's studio one in bangsar so not so big.
everything painnnnn! but i'm loving it! =D i'm so excited!!!
hello world!
so the med revue's on the 15th, 16th and 17th of august. we perform 3 nights to what is usually a sold out theatre. ticket proceeds go to charity =D i type as if we're the only performance. haha. it's really lots of skits and dances in a night. like friday night =) i miss the imu events.
after all the hype and excitement the hair cut not that great lah. haha. it's not bad. i got baby mohawk down the middle of my head but i'm covering that =P
Front =D
I like this side best
The back bits kinda hard to get on crappy webcam. and since it's not dyed, the "graduated disconnected" thing the lady did won't quite come up anyway. but i'm happy i got haircut =D FREE AGAIN! haha. went two years without paying for a single haircut! WUAHAHAHAH!
so i've been practising dance
it does wonders for the mood
and i'm cutting hair tomorrow!
watch this space for funky hair
hopefully it don't turn out bad... hee hee... always a risk with free hair cuts. hahahahahaha.
happified i am. yess yess.
=)
woke up to the smell of garlic today. the smell reminds me of home. or the idea of it. it reminds me of my auntie ade because her fingers always smelt of garlic. it never occurred to me that it was garlic and i'd associated it with home till i started chopping garlic too and holding up my fingers to my nose made me feel safe. the pungent scent of it would stick for days but i didn't mind. it was like carrying home in my hands. i have a clove of garlic in my room. when i really miss feeling at home i crush a bit of it and rub it into my fingers.
i found something that makes me happy. even for a little while. buttering a scone and eating it slowly. so english. haha. a little tea on the side is usually a good combination =D
it is somewhat disconcerting when i see a manic depressive who's more or less stable. all because they remind me of myself when i'm extremely upset. everyone who knows me well enough knows how hyperactive i get when i'm very sad. i use it to hide the black. the louder and friendlier and in your face i am, the lower my mood. until i burn myself out or until someone tries to crack the facade. which usually is paper thin. paint in the rain. erasable colour pencil mask. i keep thinking, i can make myself happy, i can make myself happy, it's not that hard, keep moving, keep talking, keep laughing... it'll click somewhere down the line.
or maybe that's just me being dramatic. again. =P
the old stories in my head are fading. it's like my head is trying to reformat.
why does my head play loop tricks on me?
the red box feels a little bit drained, a little bit bled out.
time for an infusion of
had my first day in psych ward today
clazee peepel are interesting
the first patient in the morning was a borderline but then leh, she refuse to get up and refuse to even budge or respond when prodded and talked to. i was so looking forward to it. ears perked up when the registrar, oh ya, the first patient we'll see is a borderline. haha. ah well. we shall try again tomorrow. she remained that way for the whole day.
then we had an angry guy in the afternoon. he was kinda scary.
in other news, i'm doing some bollywood dance thing for the med revue which is the auckland version of friday night. woohoO! feels good to dance again. it does feel strange that people actually trust that i can dance. especially when they haven't actually seen any of my dancing. and i still am surprised when people listen to or are interested in joining dances with me. haha. the intimidating thing is that 3 of them have dance background and one of those three usually does the dances for their batch. at least i know they'll get the dance real quick and we'll be synchronized with little effort! YAY! Happifying betul!
