Random Thought Bubbles

Ramblings on of someone still finding the way

happy 6 month anniversary to me

mood: euthymic

i don't really have anything else to say about that.

just another day at the office.

time really does fly by when you don't notice. it could've been so different. but that's all water under the bridge now.

i wonder what it'll be like another 6 months down the line.

suddenly i feel like there's not enough time. more birthdays coming up and more adult-like milestones to pass. i am kinda afraid of growing older. i don't think i'm stepping right enough times to not regret my youth. gotta work on that.

back to the books. i do so hate exams. been too reclusive these days.

haven't ranted for quite a while.

today i want to rant about headache. i had a headache in the afternoon and that put me out of commission for the rest of the day. man, a headache really knocks me off my feet.

and i still haven't figured out what my premonition was yet. i wonder if it's important. i have a feeling i don't really want to know.

waiting for the new season of grey's anatomy is taking forever. few more days till the 27th but still! it looks to be a very exciting start with meredith's sister in the hospital now too =D

got new craving... hmmm... something sweet, something liquid/icey, something fruity. i feel like having mango-lo... i wanna go ktz... hahah.

that something is wrong...

it's either the oestrogen or it's my spidey senses tingling. haha.

but seriously, there's a nagging feeling that something is wrong.

but what?

the last time i had a mystery craving i finally figured out it was for trail mix.

hope it's nothing big.

been having insomniac nights lately. good thing it's the holidays. it's probably pre-menstrual, all the hormones doing somersault mood swings. just gotta ride it out. and i get too wrapped up in tv series. especially the morose, melancholic kind. i think only girls understand how we sometimes just need a good cry to let the bad air out. although other people just run or box or work-out. i like to have a good cry. it's less energy consuming. and i don't have the stamina to run long enough to satisfy the letting out of bad airness. and being pre-menstrual never helps. haha.

i realize it's strange how the right answer is always 'go home'. when you can't decide whether something is good or bad. Go home. i adopt that philosophy nowadays. can't decide? just go home. home and into bed. a long time ago i loathed being mediocre, being just normal, being just like everyone else. now all i want is normality, routine, simplicity. maintaining the high is far too taxing.

time to try to get to bed. no bad dreams please... keep remembering only those nowadays.

that's a lot of posts =)

was just watching the first episode of the first season of grey's anatomy. i find it strange i actually learn mnemonics from these tv shows. i learnt the wrist bones from scrubs and now the post-op fever causes one too. haha. wind (atelectasis), water (uti), wound (infection), walk (dvt/pe), wonder drugs (drug-induced). silly, ain't it? i've finally started studying. dermatology baby. haha. lots of papules, macules, pustules, and assorted rashes.

just felt like blogging. don't really have anything to blog about really. i'm not going back end of this year. funny how when i say i'm not going back i really mean kl rather than brunei. isn't home supposed to be the place where you grew up? i guess i grew up in kl. and just grew older in brunei. and it's sad but i've grown too far apart from my friends in brunei. although with some i can still go have coffee with and catch up even though we don't talk to each other for ages. that's good right?

i find nowadays that i'm constantly just searching for a human connection. sitting in a small room cooped up with a laptop and a progressively enlarging mess is one of the most depressing things in the world. albeit the technological miracle of the internet. e-mails and chatting just ain't the same as having a coffee or going out. i didn't need to state that... obvious. oooo lots of psychobabbling going on.

yes, back to the human connection. most days i miss having someone to love. there i said it. doesn't mean i'll go out and pick the first guy off the road but i do miss the feeling. everyone says but you have family and friends. love them. but it's really not the same, is it? then there comes the astronomically big question of does anyone really know what love is in the first place? do i know what it is? i like to think i finally do after all the mess i made... but the concept keeps changing and there are so many variables it becomes too complicated. so we fall back on quotes. quotes like 'love the one you're with', 'if you love him let him go', bla bla bla and then the one from the bible. i think the bible one's the closest to even defining it.

when i picture where i'm going now, the scene's a long promising road on a sunny day that's not too hot. isn't it funny how it's always a road analogy? we're all on a journey. and i'm being unusually optimistic nowadays. positive steps for positive outcomes. am having more good days than bad. good, no? for the girl who was chronically sad. and i do stress the was.

have good days everyone =) it pays to be happy =D and i babble so hee hee!

i remember another dream...

i was standing at the top of a snow covered mountain. from the peak i could see a vast green land somewhere in which 'home' was. and 'home' felt like a person... but i couldn't see this just then because everything was teensy tiny like ants. a large shard of glass came crashing down from the cloudless sky. i looked up just in time to watch it crash right into me. then came a strange relief. the feeling of my chest split open by a large piece of glass seemed familiar. i stood there, staining the snow red.

and then stood in a room with windows facing the morning sunrise, staining the brown parquet red.

and then i saw a couple passing by... something pulls me through the window. crash goes the glass. glittery shatters of glass in the sun as i fallll.

why do all my dreams keep involving me falling down from somewhere =P

yes, i was aiming straight for the little kid on her miniature kid skis. tried to kill a kid on the first try. haha =P so noob.

Kevinjit, Kapil and I went snowboarding over the weekend. Technically, they went snowboarding. i just fell on my butt a lot. and with the beanie and sunglasses, i looked more like a substitute danny than a substitute nadia. haha. hence, 2 brown guys and a chinese boy. We were supposed to do two days of snowboarding but i came back from a girls' night out too drunk and just didn't want to budge after getting home. so we left in the morning instead. eeps!

This is me, posing with the board i didn't use that much =D

These are my knees. I spent the whole way there curled up comfortably in the back seat. We picked kevin up from boring ol'hilda ross with no internet and no sky tv and nothing to do. (he was very glad for the company... the poor thing)

This is kevin taking a leak. emergency oh.



Curled up comfortable ;)


This is my snowball =) We got to one side of the mountain round 1.30 so they said no point boarding today since only half day. Whakapapa (pronounced fakapapa)

So we went to play snow instead. Trying to play in the snow. haha.

Making a snow ball

Being pelted by snowball


I hadn't had my coffee for the first day. spent most of the day sleeping... haha... or wanting to sleep. good thing i figured that out for the next day and had my cuppa. Nothing had been booked. luckily we got a room at this place above a bar. the bar played good music but had a lopsided ratio of too many batangs to too few lubangs. kevin said it felt like a fight was going to break out soon. and everyone was white. haha. i was sleeping =P



The guys made the tuna sandwiches for lunch. We went to the other side of the mountain. some place called turoa.


Lunchtime



and made me clean up. haha. this is probably the only girly thing i did on the trip. i was a bum for most of the way =P




This is kevin in pain. hahah =P


I gave up trying to snowboard after a while. i was chicken + my tailbone was too painful. (mostly just chicken of falling down d lah)

What snowboarding trip is complete without the typical 'pose with my board on the mountain' shot.


And this would be my poser shot =D

And kapil's =P



And here I am sitting defeated on the side of the mountain but posing still


They snowboarded down and took the ski lift up. Taking the ski lift is scary man. I keep thinking the lift cabels will break and everyone will fall to their death. not like there's anything to hold on to when the thing's falling apart... sooo freaky.


And the last shot before we got back into the car and drove home =)

Yep, i think i had fun trying to snowboard =) at least i now have a beanie. haha. wouldn't mind going back again =D yay for the holidays! but boo for needing to study =P

finally the holidays. i didn't realize how badly i needed a break until this week. just couldn't get myself to be interested in anything. i'm glad psychiatrists are laidback, relaxed people. what with all the craziness, the doctors can't be nuts too. haha. i can't be a psychiatrist. the delusions/hallucinations/depression/suicidal ideations/twisted upness of people drain me so. and i wasn't even the one who really needed to assess them. today i met a lady who thought fairies were invading her body so she could fly.

and some rest homes here are really posh... i had a few days in old people's mental health... i went to one the other day... got service apartments, little individual units and all... and activities and indoor pool some more. like resort lah. haha. but it's sad to see so many lost old people.

been having the usual ups and downs but i'd say i'm alot better these days =) i hope i'm outgrowing my borderline-ness. as far as i can tell it's going away. sleep a little disturbed, waking up a few times during the night but luckily able to fall back to sleep each time. radical acceptance makes a world of a difference to my psyche when it works. and it is working. yay for dbt!

drinks with lara and the rest tonight to celebrate end of run and start of holidays =) pictures if i do take any =D Yay for Holidays!

it's important to sleep in the right conditions

darkness without lights on, comfort, no distractions, routine before sleeping, no stimulants like caffeine before sleep time. happiness. maybe a little warm milk before bed. and a hug =)

sleeping happy is important. falling asleep angry is almost like not sleeping at all.

and to consolidate memories. ah, memories. they haunt like the ghost of christmas past.

tonight i shall fall asleep happy. onward for tomorrow!

holidays soon... really can't wait for the end of this run. me no psychiatrist. that's for sure.

good night to all... sleep well... sleep like the dead who have no dreams... or have pleasant dreams... i seem to keep remembering the bad ones though... time for good dreams =) let only the good ones come true please.

someone was getting married. i didn't have a dress on but i could remember feeling the bustle and stress of getting ready for one... there was a cake, someone's white dress and flowers.

the groom came along and he was distressed because he was getting cold feet. the strange thing was that he looked like the guy from scrubs but was actually someone else in my head. he had a red sash, black suit and bow-tie. nowadays people in my dreams have faces. (they didn't use to... just a blank where the face should be).

suddenly i'm trying to climb through a window from a window-washer's scaffold... the kind those cleaners of skyscrapers have. i can see a wedding ceremony. the guests were seated and i think they were at the bit where people can object.

(the whole thing reminds me of my best friend's wedding really... haha)

but the scaffold ropes snap and i'm falling, falling, faaaalllliinnnggg into a moat full of snakes and crocodiles below.

then i wake up and the train was double plus late that day which made me late for the round. i hate that feeling of falling in nightmares.

have you ever had the feeling of being dissatisfied but can't figure out what it is that you want/need/crave?

i can tell you that it's an annoying feeling. i've been suffering from discontentment for the whole night. it's not food or sleep because i've satisfied both in the background of this mystery craving. the basic needs of food, clothes and shelter are adequate (although no girl can have enough clothes, or shoes for that matter).

nor is it the need for socializing either. i have that too. hmmm...

ecks... i am left with just rambling on about it instead.

one cannot scratch the itch if one doesn't know what the itch is. itches should come with proper labels, feelings or sounds. people can get horribly confused about them. although i'm not confused really. just a tad bit irritated. and a maybe a teensy bit bored =D

can't wait for the end of this run... enough of the mad and the sad.

Went to a ball last night =) it wasn't a ball like imu ball. no tables one. just alot of finger food and wine and beer and bubbly. and icky dj but it wasn't too bad overall =) good thing i asked beforehand what the 'ball' would be like here. so we all danced the night away and it was good. lara's house is nice. it faces the water and the balcony looks like a nice place to sit on a lazy afternoon and read. i'm using good and nice alot. haha =) some pictures for your viewing pleasure =P


Setareh, Lara and me

Me and my big arms, yunmi and lara at pre-ball (that was the first time i heard of a pre-ball. haha. i thought people usually had post-ball)


Lara and Imogen


Set, me, yunmi, lara and imogen

Ciaran... i have a thick neck in this one. haha.

Imogen, diana, tess, me - on the dance floor

Grrr... diana, noor, tess

I'm not sure who the girl in dark blue is...

Chester

This is actually after the ball ended - in front of the dj table thingy

Noor in royal blue

Diana =)

This is renus

This is sonia - she shoulda been in bollywood with the rest of us =P

Nikki is way tall...

sometimes people take group photos like this =D when everyone's not doing the same thing. haha.


Time to get back to reality and do some work. haha. 2 more weeks to holiday! but study holiday really. Thanks to timothy for lending me his camera =) otherwise half these photos would probably have been blurred if i'd used my old camera =D

i finally found that movie!

i saw it a long time ago playing on gsc international screens in midvalley. for a long time i was waiting to watch it with someone. then it ran it's course and something else was put up. but i'm watching it now =)

it's a jap movie with a chinese title i think that translates literally to standing at the centre of the world shouting out love. the chinese sounds so much better. it's veli veli mushy. about a guy who goes to school with this girl and they become friends and fall in love (d'oh) but she dies tragically of leukemia (how typical) and he's in the present going to marry someone but he goes back to his hometown and rehashes all the memories they had together. veli the corny but i like =D

movies on unrequited love are the saddest kind... but best to watch =P

=) yes as above =)

med ball coming up. good thing i still have my old dress to wear... although winter will probably blow it to shreds in the cold bitter wind that's been roaring the evenings. patterned muslin and silk somehow doesn't afford a satisfactory warmth. haha.
looking forward =)

uproot

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

forget me as i you
to erase all hope and resentment
then should ever we meet
be different like stones
to learn from mistakes

so the one after would not suffer

i walk my path alone
treading the sandy beach, careful
not to stir the translucent crabs
i was so afraid of
i forget what that was like

so the one after shall not suffer

good night forces. i expect some lightning soon.

tak ade pictures coz me camera ran out of batt

haha. but then leh, in the end we just bum off the free wine and end up drinking on the patio of carlton house. haha. that was fun. university life of booze and good company =)

i think it's an improvement. no nutty rubbishy wallowing aside from the two days of the med revue. just a sad memory i can put at the back of my head and remember so that i don't do anything silly billy. F.L.A.T. hmmm i'm fine. i did the aversion therapy to make sure. the internet's an interesting resourceful thing.

when i say reboot there's usually a residual crap stuck on me i can't get rid off but now i think it's all over. which is good. time to move like the social jellyfish i am. i think i've finally figured out a good way to quickly reboot.

Taking a group photo - Take 1

Taking a better group photo - take 2 - Bridget N right up front. second row l to r - Diana, Me, Bridget M (she did the hip hop part of the dance), Divya "token indian girl". back row - Tess, Noor "eva" Ali, YunMi. hidden way back - Lara.

Noor, Tess "classic siren look", Diana, Divya and yours truly

Me and Lara - The single girls

Me and Diana - girl with lotsa make-up equipment we all borrowed from. haha =P

Noor "the eva lookalike" and me trying to be indian

Max the Pirate, me and noor =)


Not quite ready group photo - drunker poses now, girls


Bridget, Me and Div (in her little girl uniform)


Moi, Diana and Lara

Layers upon layers of make-up, baby!




I think she likes me ;)

The mirror loves us =) as do we it.

All in all i think i did enjoy the med revue regardless. now i'm just waiting for the dvd of the thing to come out so i can put up the video. good job everyone! i had a great time teaching and performing the dance with everyone =)

i'm fine now.

reboot done.

drunk for personal record of 10hours.

after party after the performance

don't remember anything

mission achieved

time to sleep

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