I feel like rambling. So I will! =P
I was going through the little file where I keep all my poems. They date all the way back to 1999. The frequency at which I write in it has diminished as the years progressed which is somewhat a good thing because I only write when there is sorrow to be dispelled. It is my diary so to say. The poems mostly don't have titles but I date them and each poem conjures up the memories and emotions of the poem's situation. I do not keep it under lock and key because no one would understand the words, even in prose I seem to write in riddles. Today I read through it again and I rediscover myself and also that I suck at writing poetry but that's beside the point.
Where I was erratic and a complete frantic case, I have learnt to be calm; where I was sorrowful and bleak about the future, I have learnt to be optimistic; where I was overtly sensitive, I have learnt to check myself and understand the reason behind me being moody that day. This is where I grew the 'right' way.
Suddenly it strikes me as humourous, the way the characters of the poems evolved over time, from a thoroughly confused little girl cowering in a dark corner writing by candlelight (because that was, in her opinion, the best way to evoke the demons) to self-pity and insolence at times to stubborn surrender (if there is such a thing) with the half-hearted attempts at poetry in paragraphs instead of verses because it became difficult to compose the words in fractured sentences to realizing that I keep writing the same words but in different sequences all on the same topic... over and over again and finally acceptance where most days I am not affected by past wounds and I'm taking each day as it comes. You know all that corny 'Today is special. That's why it's called the PRESENT' kinda stuff. The gruelling road to these self renovations just seems so... unnecessary. What I mean is, I now feel that all the brooding and mucking around sad was so unrequired. The important bit was the part where I finally got to the instance of realization for the matter at hand. The numero uno answer to the question. The key that finally opens the door. The sweet rain of clarity on my psyche. Then again, I am a stubborn person... I'd never learn otherwise =P And I am still young and silly.
The latest entries are from early this year when so much was happening. Some more recent pages have been torn out or scribbled over in a rage or in disappointment.. whatever, but sometimes I am still surprised at what comes from my pen (or pencil... I like writing in pencil... I know my words are transient, too =P).
I actually got quite tired reading about myself today (Haha!)... I can get quite monotonous and boring, like, snap-outta-it/get-on-with-it boring. But obviously you people would know too *embarrassed grin* And I never seem to completely finish off a thought...
Even though I'm not good I shall post poetry =P because I can =P
---- From a time I was sleeping the days away ----
I feel like a dead-beat,
On an acid trip,
Living life like a lucid dream.
Sleeping to catch the glimpses
Of what could/should be.
Maybe I've mistaken that
Knot at the center of me
For something more than ordinary.
All just candle smoke and incense,
Ribbon tendrils, round my fingers.
A ghost,
A ghost in my own skin.
Oh, I live
For moments like these,
Where I'm neither here nor anywhere.
-----------------------
Ok lah, I'm done rambling =) Thank you for reading. Hehe! Oh oh, and here's a picture of Lina and me during convo =) Just for the heck of it! Go gym people! It's happy-fying and it keeps your collarbones visible =P heheh!
0 comments:
Post a Comment