Random Thought Bubbles

squish a bit of sand in a hand. pull a weed. wind cool breeze. sound of swinging glee. whee. run as fast as these legs will go. fall fall. scrap a knee. salty lips. lick the iron tinge. throb throb. pick a toy, a colourful toy. no, this won't do, it hurts the fingers too. throw. no, no one else can pick the same. toy belongs to the ground. give me. i picked first, go pick some other. give it back. tire of the colour. this toy can fall. to the ground. where it belongs. leave it be. bedtime stories now. a sea of toys in tow. pick one up, hands full. put a colour down. sleep, sleep calls. where does the toy go now?

pop goes the lights fantastic
trip a little fall alot
pale on flush of pink red ink
till the haze aglow in synch

peel back those lids
seal down those lips
paint up dirty wordsmith
sew sew sew submissive

pass the salt now clockwise
join the rocking mass
pull a heart string jagged
jack them bare legged

point a crooked finger
ill conceived deliver
passive act asunder
inside this sea come hither

very suddenly there's so much to think about
and having to be objective
not much surprises me anymore
but i'm surprised with the clarity
i spoke too soon when i said there was no more emo-crap
to emo about
but it's not really emo-ing is it when i'm being objective

interesting

so i ran into some drama

these last few weeks

and i realized some things

1. working it through with a practical head makes everything a whole lot easier
2. consider your options and decide based on the pros and cons, leaving emotions out of it
3. i'm more willing to cut my losses and move rather than stagnating
4. sometimes there is just no good option
5. there will always be a very thin line between love and hate
6. my gut instincts on people is usually right
7. i don't tend to follow my gut instincts though
8. i don't get angry, i just deal with it
9. these bouts of clarity don't last for long
10. (just to make it a round number) boys are all the same

uf, i need a nap

Uf, haven't blogged in forever. Site hits have hit an all time low. this blogging business is falling off. nuffing very exciting to say. and since there's just been cryptic emo crap i won't go into that again. not much cryptic emo crap happening at the mo anyways. which is a very good thing. hamilton has been quite cold. my down duvet and egyptian sheets are keeping me warm and happy enough. surgery is keeping me busy. and i've been occupied. plus, my laptop's been on the fritz. refuses to let the driver for my wifi get installed. which means i can't go online wirelessly from my room. which means i'm online less. which means i don't go unnecessarily bothering myself with unnecessary concerns and communications. this going off the internet has been doing very positive things for my psyche.

just some pictures to catch up anyone who's still trying to look out for updates. they say more than words would anyway. i got a new camera... (well not new anymore) so i finally have pictures of my own to put up =P

and we had wine. and my cloth made an appearance also

and took silly pictures

thomas didn't want to wear pants. he had shorts on under the table

and zhi yuen surprised me by actually wearing his blazer too

i made chicken with cashews and leek stove top stuffing. it doesn't look so good but it was yum. take my word for it

this is kinda backwards but i made pumpkin soup from scratch for starters. the boys helped with the pumpkin slaughtering. pumpkins are difficult things to chop up. and then we had cream puffs and jelly for dessert. because i got lazy =P

then we went up to auckland to go to khang hee, sui ling, stephanie and jen xin's housewarming. carrie was there too =)

i wore my fake eyelashes

food in hamilton is actually quite good. some others have said iguana's not good but i went with thomas and man keat and it was gewd. vanilla creme brulee is yummy

i'd like a kitchen like that at home

and then one of the weeks i went up to auckland and got a hair cut. toni&guy again. i think i'll be a fan of the franchise for a long time.

the stylist did a good job saving my dye job so that it'd look like i got it redyed with the cut.

then lina was in town. so we went out

we went to bungalow

it was surprisingly kinda empty. but we still had a good time

we also had a 'high fashion' party. but i think we had too much to drink. well, i had too much to drink. and out of all the photos we took, only this one came out acceptable >_<

i think the boys did better with the posing for pics

and then one week we went up to auckland to david's birthday too. a whole bunch of us went out for malaysian food.

class dinner. moi and tess =)

and i had to take a photo with bridget. because we both love shoes

the food was ok. but it was nice catching up with people :) and it's real boring just sitting around at home all the time.

yep, that's pretty much all i've been doing. and trying to be a useful trainee intern on the surgical team. the busy is good :)

most of my days are calm now. except for the occasional hiccups. and i am a drifter. i stop when i see the big truck's headlights approaching. stop short in my tracks. frozen with fear and uncertainty. i stopped scratching a long time ago. the itch is no longer an itch. and i am an interesting person as you get to know me but damaged goods don't come without the excess baggage. because that is the only way to learn from mistakes. to carry them with you.

disassociating. cold shower panic. i stop now because i used to run into the headlights. i think that's an improvement.

I'm excited :) because lina's coming back and because it's the new year again. some really difficult lessons learnt at the end of the rat year that. but i suppose it had to be done. and all in such a short span of time. it tested the change. i could easily have relapsed. but i didn't. and we all thought better of some people. the series of unfortunate events unfolded and it feels like this was all a preconceived plan. i find organized religion impossible to follow but the higher power appears to have been wrapping this up for a while now.

on a total tangent, i've been meeting too many people who know people i know. the world is really too freaking small.

it died. so very suddenly. on a sunday afternoon. a swift lifting so obvious i was surprised. not even a hole left behind to fill. because there shouldn't have been anything there in the first place. i'd made that space for someone who couldn't care for it. for a long time, i thought it was supposed to be a gradual thing. the business of burning flowers. i was blind and would prostrate myself at the altar.

never again.

i always say the day i stop crying is the day i stop caring. didn't think it'd actually come true.

bah, tani dah ngaleh. indada lagi.

speechless.

i woke up this morning feeling fine until a big splash of cold filled my chest. but that's okay. it can only be expected. there is a feeling of freedom. after a long drawn out battle. even though i lost. but freedom still. and i have not wasted anymore tears on this. so hello world, i'm doing pretty good here.

GG. i bow down in awe. for all the technicalities. not even a hint of stain on those hands. respect.

just as suddenly as it all started. poof. and in all that blazing glory, i shall burn those final flowers. but in case i should not be allowed to bear witness, it will be alright. this door can be closed now. i can say i tried.

be still. be calm. there is only accepting now. a lesson has been taught. let the cleaning commence. exorcise the spirits. there is an end in sight. embrace. i am changed. it wouldn't have been this quiet otherwise.

i learnt a very difficult lesson. just that. ouch.

there was only so much i could take. it's okay. it just became too ridiculous. this is as far as i can go.

without the cloud of drama, it's obvious a large portion needs to be rewritten

it's to the moon or bust. anyway.

so i was supposed to leave for brunei last saturday. but lo and behold, half an hour before the shuttle was due at 2am, a cold shudder overtook my body. my passport, my passport. we were waiting in kit chung's (who was himself out for the night) house for the shuttle because we'd given up our house and couldn't wait in it. i thought i put it into my handbag. i'd taken it out that very afternoon and placed it on a table. then saw it again and put it back in my handbag. or didn't i? it played over and over in my head. i couldn't have packed it away. i couldn't have thrown it away. who throws or packs away a passport?...

then came the flurry of looking into my handbag, which isn't very big at all. emptied it out. no, nothing. not there. na da. okay okay i last saw it in the afternoon. it was there. i didn't leave the house, it should be somewhere nearby. i looked through my bag, the boys looked through my bags. 3 TIs looking into 3 bags. and could not find a passport. the boys looked through their bags. still nothing. the shudder became a realization that i might not be leaving auckland at all.

it could've been in one of the boxes that i was packing up that afternoon. but the boxes had gone off to storage. maybe it was in one of the boxes. but it was too late to go to storage. maybe it's still in the house. call apartment manager. who cares that it's 1.30am in the morning. this is an emergency. look in house. nothing. it's spotless. no trace of a red little book. so insignificant yet the ticket to my freedom.

frick. panic fills my heart. a strange electric sensation fills the skin and turns it cold and hot at the same time. the afternoon's happenings play over and over in my head. but there are gaps in my memory. could it be in one of these lost moments that i misplaced my passport?

what should i do? who should i call? call kit chung (i suppose the funny thing is i didn't think about calling my dad first haha). kit chung will know what to do. in my mind, kit chung is mr. know what to do in any situation. a flustered and very distressed marilyn calls dr. wong who tells her to calm down and asks if she's looked everywhere. he confirms that it's not possible to fly without the passport and there's nothing she can do unless she finds that passport. but no, it's nowhere to be found. dr. wong says delay the shuttle, he'll try to think of a way out.

call dad. maybe he has a magic trick up his sleeve. dad asks the same questions. have you looked here and there and in all the pockets? yes, i wouldn't have called otherwise. dad says keep looking. delay the shuttle or something. but the shuttle is here already. mom asks the same questions... have you looked here or there or in your bag. how could you be so careless...

the shuttle comes. the 3 TIs board the van and throughout the journey i explain over and over again on the phone to my parents that i've looked everywhere. this is not helping. i'm helpless and there is nothing i can do.

arrive at the airport. look once more. ask at the counter what i can do. lady says to talk to the rba rep. i look through my bags for the millionth time, hoping against hope that 3 TIs were blind enough not to have found it before. no success. defeated, i lug my stuff to the counter and tell the man... i have lost my passport. i need to change the flight. can you help me? he tells me there is a charge for it. but since it's saturday i'll have to call reservations on monday to change things. but to call the embassy first so i'll know what date to change my flight to.

the boys check in and i'm left sitting tired and distraught waiting for a miracle. they come to me and we look once more... nothing again. i sms kit chung to say i'm not flying and that i need a place to crash. he says come come, of course you can stay. they walk me to the shuttle van and i go home. the shuttle driver used to be a singaporean and he is talkative. i let him prattle on about how stressful singapore is. really, i'm too tired to care. so at 4.30am in the morning kit chung comes downstairs to get me and i sleep. kit chung's house is full of people. kevinjit, kapil and me and the next day his younger brother too and all our stuff as well. it's cramped up but all the flatties are nice enough to welcome us anyway. they are studying for 4th exams which are this thursday... it was so nice of them...

morning comes and i explain my story over and over again to people i meet. why are you still here? i lost my passport. (i'm not distressed anymore. there is now a plan or the makings of one. i don't get stressed when there's a plan... my parents were more worried than i was or am...) nothing i can do now till monday anyway...

but one of the flatties has a number i can call on the weekend to ask for help. and lucky too coz that saved me alot of time. otherwise it would've been me needing to wait for application forms to come my way from wellington and then only being able to make the appointment to go to wellington to get an emergency travel document.

i look into storage twice more with no luck. time to make a police report. the police man is nice and says it's so common. 2min later i'm out of the station and walking home. this is sunday.

monday comes and it's making calls day. i wait till after lunch time and the contact comes through for me. i have an appointment for thursday which is excellent. i make some other calls and insurance says they'll cover me. i change my ticket and get a flight for saturday. so i'm going to kl instead now. i can only fly to my home country. i suppose it's fate... or carelessness.

thank goodness for friends who come through for friends. so very grateful... don't lose your passport. it's a hassle you can live without.