Random Thought Bubbles

Ramblings on of someone still finding the way

Hello world! I'm back in KL again and missing my brother and best friend and of course my parents... and that's in no particular order. So it's back to the hectic life of IMU Cup and cheerleading and most of the games that include the word 'ball' in them. I haven't been up to logging on from home since it requires me to turn on the laptop and bla bla bla and by the time I am finally home I'm usually pooped from this or that practice. I suppose I am kinda glad that it's only going to be 2 weeks with this crazy schedule. My head's in a little bit of a swirl since there's cheerleading uniforms to work around cause there's now no time for a tailor-made set and the girls don't want to spend too much on it anyway and not everyone is happy with the design and no one is coming to any sort of compromise and not everyone can make cheerleading practises which are heavily mind and body taxing. Surprisingly though I'm not exactly stressed by all this, which is a good thing too... I did have a whole month and 2 weeks to do nothing. Haha.

The tiger prawns, chicken and fish my mom packed for me are still in the fridge and I am yet to cook them. It seems like there's not enough energy to cook when I'm finally home at a time when I just want to shower and sleep but still am hungry, then again I am such a bum when it comes to feeding myself. Must get to that before the end of this week.

No time for gym either... hmmm... I suppose all the sports will have to make up for it.

Oh, and the flight back was uneventful. Nothing interesting happened besides bumping into a batchmate who lives in Miri coming to KL on the same flight. At least there was someone to talk to on the boring flight while I wrote out the cheerleading formations so everyone knows where they're supposed to be in whatever part of a song. I'm also glad I did up the songs with simple moves... just hope everyone counts correctly. At the moment it still looks like some people can't catch the counting just yet. Less than two weeks to go before the end of IMU Cup and the cheerleading event... YIKES!

Yep... I'm glad to be back (I actually had a little moment of happiness the night I got back... so strange).

And much thanks to Kah Heng, Hyphon and Amelia for getting me from the airport :)

Just got home from a whole afternoon of gym, banana leaf rice dinner and the Brothers Grimm. Finally getting back to gym was excellent but a little disorientating since all the equipment is different and the exercise balls they have suck. Ling Tze and I did our own Pilates-Yoga session after working out (or rather after trying to work out after reading the instructions for the machines) then went into the steam bath room and then the sauna. That was my first time in a steam bath. It feels just like I'm being broiled alive. Haha! And that was my second time in a sauna... I still don't get why it's supposed to be relaxing... It's just really hot, but it is fun to pour water over the rocks and hear them sizzle. I'm amused easily, yes.

Dinner was okay. I'm still not used to having spicy food. I don't think I'll ever be.

The movie was better than expected. However, Ling Tze thought it was freakishly disgustingly scary because all of the movie included fairy tales that are supposed to end happily ever after and since they are in books and she's read about them before they become all the more real. She was frightened by most of the movie... especially when the glob of a gingerbread man came out of the well and stole the little girl's face who was trying to draw water, finally engulfing her altogether. I thought the glob was cute... he looked alot like the marshmallow man from ghostbusters. Haha!

Yep... a good day spent. I think I dread going back to KL less now. Passing phases.

After countless snoozes and a phone call, I am finally awake. I remember another dream. It's not exactly strange but I like to recall dreams when I can since I don't remember many.

This one had me and my family at some sort of resort. But it didn't really look like one. I just knew it was. We were having a good time when suddenly there's a chocolate shortage and that's why the electricity will go out because the chocolate dependent generator that also doubles as a chocolate figurines maker is going to go bust. So my brother is trying to fix the problem but can't since there isn't anymore chocolate. I have to give up my one and only favourite chocolate figurine that I keep locked up in my safe because the last chocolate figurine that the generator made is more caramel than chocolate and that same chocolate has been running through the machine too many times. I had to save the day!


Suddenly I'm sitting at a table with Racine and we're berboraking but I see a very large beach snake (that's what I was thinking in my dream, since we were sitting by the sea under a very big coconut tree) coming toward us. I tell her to stand on her chair to prevent from being bitten. I do the same but cannot seem to stand still thus attracting a whole lot of beach snake attention. It first tries to bite my butt, misses but catches my hand instead. There I am screaming in pain but not feeling it (it's a strange feeling really) and I go running to my father. On my way to my dad I bump into the very able chef (who is supposed to be very good with killing beach snakes, especially the kind that's stuck to my hand) but he doesn't help me, just stares at me and the snake hanging from my hand. My brother sees me but is still very busy with the chocolate generator thingy however has time to stop to say, "That's a pygmy python!" As if I really needed to know that... In the end I cannot find my dad so I try to remove the offensive snake by myself. After trying many times and getting rebitten in dozens of places on my arm I am able to remove it with the help of the housekeeping lady who brought a green bag (green again...). So now I am trying to bring the snake to a zoo so it doesn't hurt anyone anymore and I'm getting into the car but the snake breaks lose one last time and catches a hold of my very bloody arm... my dad pops up with the camera and goes "OK, take photo, take photo! Faster, faster" but nothing happens because the camera's run out of battery. I am then thinking, why does this always happen to me? (as if a snake has bitten me before... I've never been bitten). Then my alarm goes off...

By the way, Marilyn v7.0 is up and running! I woke up this morning feeling very mended. I tested all my chinks and pried at some of my wounds and I'm fine! Unbreaking process completed! 100% healed! WooHOO! And I'm off to the gym now. Hehe! I know it's going to be a good day today.

I'm so bored I've become one of those people who go to cafes to surf the net on the free wireless network the place provides, who orders a cheap drink because I have to and not because I need a drink (although I did want drinking chocolate). It's not the drink I'm here for obviously. It's actually quite an improvement from being bored at home. I'm here alone but I never mind going out on my own. I don't know why... even though people always think I deserve piteous sounds when I tell them that I am going out alone. I like alone time really. It gives me time to think. At the moment I'm not in a very contemplative mood but then again typing at a computer in a cafe I haven't been to for half a year does bring back some old memories... mostly nice happy memories... like playing 'Pictionary" with Alwin, Steven and Tyng ;) that was a good waste of an afternoon when no one knew what else would constitute fun.

I'm getting older... ugh... My parents are in Singapore but I'm so bland I don't go out nights (then again there's no one to go out with during that time of night, not that there's somewhere to go in Brunei after 11). They tell me not to go out late and I don't... I'd really have jumped at the chance to skip the curfew since they're not here but I don't this time. There isn't even the urge to go out. I've become bland. Oh, what happened to the girl who broke the photocopy machine while trying to photocopy her butt? I need to relight my fire... haha... it sounds so much as if I need to rekindle a dying relationship.

Marilyn version 7.0 coming up. A little tougher, a little smarter, a little happier... I'm gaining weight... means I'm getting happier. Haha. Or just been bingeing too much. Still trying to get used to really being alone. I need to go back to the gym again. Better stop before I start babbling. I guess I don't feel like thinking. Not feeling very smart today. Sounds like a setback in the Marilyn v7.0 project ;P

Tomorrow, tomorrow... everything will be better.

I spent most of today sleeping on the couch with the TV on and now I can't sleep. Then again I'm not even trying to sleep. My brain is tired from fighting with myself and all I really want to do is leave this place (funny since I'm whining about having to leave it too... humans... sigh). But there's no one to leave it with so I'm back to the drawing board with a vengence. I've exhausted the remote control for what it can give me and that still leaves much to be desired. I don't think I've held more than 10 min worth of proper conversation for the whole day. It's starting to get as if I'm back in vista... NOOO!!! Blah!

So I get online at 5 in the morning when my brother is snoring away happily (or what appears to be happy snoring to me at this time of morning) in his comfortable bed. There's no one I want to chat to online so I'm stuck with surfing. I click around i-am-bored.com for a bit but cannot find entertainment. Then I begin to wonder what it might feel like to have an acid trip, not that I was planning on trying it. You know, just about the psychadelic this and that. I type 'tripping acid dreams' into google.

After clicking around for a bit I come across this site,

http://growabrain.typepad.com/growabrain/drugs_lsd/.

It appears to be some guy's blog on a whole lot of other things besides LSD but it doesn't really have real words in it... just a bunch of links and things. If you're bored like I am, anything can be a reprieve. The following two links from that guys page seems to be interesting - 'Visual Overdose, Energisers and other Crazy Images from Eyvind Almquist of Virtual-Exp Psy and Java-Fuxation and many other trippy voyages from Entropy8zuper, the people who brought us Venus Trap'.

Yep, so if you're bored click on something on that page. The 'Dreams' collection seems quite possibly boredom busting-able too.

And since I was bored I also looked up some of the things that were in my dream. The coloured bits are what applied to me.

For the word EMBRACE - Dreaming that you are embracing your lover, foretells of quarrels, disagreements, and accusations arising from infidelity. Dreaming that you embrace a stranger means of an unwelcome guest. Dreaming that you are embracing relatives means their sickness and unhappiness.

For the word MOUNTAIN - Seeing mountains in your dream means many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. If you are on top of the mountain, then it means that you have achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains indicates a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth. Dreaming that you are climbing a mountain means your determination and ambition. Dreaming that you fall off a mountain, suggests that you are in a hurry to succeed without thoroughly thinking about your path to success. It also means that you have a tendency to give up or escape from demanding situations.

For the word ROAD - Seeing a road in your dream indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. Seeing a winding, curvy, or bumpy road in your dream, suggests that you will experience many obstacles and setbacks in achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the darker or more frightening choices which you have made or are making. Seeing a smooth road bordered by green trees and flowers indicates a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going according as planned. Seeing an unknown road in your dream means that you new project will cause more grief than it is worth and a waste of time. Dreaming that a threatening creature is on a road, parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear.

For the word CAR - Dreaming that you are driving a car means your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life. Dreaming that your car is overheating, suggests that you are expending too much energy and need to slow down or run the risk of becoming burnt out. You may be taking on more than you can handle. It is time to take a breather. Seeing a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. Dreaming that you are almost hit by a car, suggests that your lifestyle, beliefs or goals may be in conflict with another's. It may also be symbolic of a jolting experience or injured pride. Dreaming that you are unable to roll up the windows of your car, suggests that you are showing some hesitation and reservation about the direction that you are taking in life or the path that you have chosen.

For the word LESBIAN - Dreaming that you are a lesbian (but you are not in your waking life) means a union with aspects of yourself. It is symbolic of self-love, self-acceptance, and passion. You are comfortable with your sexuality and femininity. If, in your dream you abhor the notion of lesbianism, then it represents your fears and rejection of parts of your own sexuality. If you are a lesbian in your waking life, then the dream is simply a reflection of your own self. (so I guess dreaming about being a lesbian when you're not is a good thing. Haha!)

For the word T-SHIRT - Seeing or wearing a T-shirt in your dream, suggests that you need to take it easy and relax. (but what if it's a green t-shirt?)

I think I'll go to sleep now. Finally.

I wanted to blog about this before but completely forgot about it until tonight. I'm so bored I think my brain is melting and oozing out my ears while I rot like the couchpotato that I am.

I never thought I was even a little homophobic until I met this girl the other day. She's bi and that's fine by me but I realized that I am extremely straight when I finally found out. It's not like she introduced herself as bi but ya... haha... I found out. I was a little more dressed up that night since my friends and I were going out and she needed a ride home. So we were sending her home and I was in the back seat with her. I had just found out and at first I thought, "So what? Peoples' sexual identities are their own business. I don't care about that." But the thing was, when she got into the car I did care! And she turned to look at me full on and went, "You look very nice today!" and a few other things (I felt quite uncomfortable being checked out by another girl). I thanked her for the compliment, somewhat hesitantly since it was my first time getting looked over by a girl (maybe I was being overly sensitive... but I usually don't get the wrong signals... even when it's from another girl... I guess. Haha!).

I always wondered what it was like to be with a girl, and always thought that maybe I am bi too... (thought it was maybe a deep dark fetish I never knew about). haha... I don't have to wonder anymore! And I didn't even need to try it out either, which is excellent, because it would've been quite embarrassing for all parties since I'd run out of the room regretting even wanting to try it. Ugh... *SHIVERS*!

Now I think I understand how a guy feels when he meets a gay fellow who appears to be showing some sort of 'interest'. I wouldn't say I was apprehensive but I definitely wasn't comfortable. I think I would've been fine if she didn't check me out like that (then again I'd be uncomfortable too if some guy checked me out like that). I think I wouldn't mind having her as a friend but it's a little freaky when she seems to be showing more than just friendly interest. Haha! Ah well. Gotta learn to accept everyone.

My brother just woke me up from my first dream in a long time. It wasn't the best dream to have but I didn't want to wake up. I'm not sure if I'm sad or just a little disorientated from being woken up to help him moves cars. It was one of those weird dreams that don't make sense but make sense because it contains all the bits of my life that I'm afraid to face. Already the fragments are dissolving into thin air as I type this. I only remember the bits that I don't want to type about. Sigh. I didn't think I'd really be fighting shadow demons in my sleep... it was just a figure of speak... oh well...

My dream had a lot of cars in it... a lot of different people I haven't seen in ages... and a lot of people I don't remember or don't think I even know. And at the end, before my brother woke me up I was in a car going up a mountain road (It was a kancil... I think I do miss KL... but just don't know it. It looks just like Jebbrine's but she wasn't driving it). But I wanted the driver to stop for people I loved. I even tried jumping out of the car... but she didn't stop. So all of them people I loved had to rough it out walking/running/complaining to the top of the very big mountain... on which seemingly stood a very important grey building that we had to make our way to no matter what (and I don't know why the driver didn't stop for the rest... she was supposed to. She kept driving on as if she couldn't hear me). Just before that scene I was lying in someone's arms thinking how we don't have a future and then getting on the mountain road together but he walked off faster so he was ahead of me, that was why I got into the car. Sigh... even in my dreams it happens. I should learn how to vivid dream. I was only able to control what was happening in my dream only once in my life. Now THAT was interesting. Haha.

Every time I tell people I dream in colour but that the people don't usually have faces they think it's freaky. I guess it would be if I didn't know who these people were in my dream (for some reason I just know who they are everytime and if they are supposed to have a different face from what it is in real life I know too but I can't make out the dream features this fellow got as a face in my dream. Go figure... then again dreams aren't supposed to make perfect sense). But the thing is I don't remember very much what they look like in the dream anyway... most of the time the dream frame is like it is on the tube... it catches only certain angles of other people and most of the time the angle is that of a side of the face or a body part or the body without the head like on Cow and Chicken. Yeah... still freaky I know but I don't dream much anyway. However, I remember silly details in dreams like clothes or shoes or even car type. Haha...

I'm feeling better. Maybe I'll go back to sleep, or have breakfast now. It's too early in the morning to feel down.

I dream in colour but I don't dream in faces. I dreamt of your green shirt but I dreamt of your face too this morning.

I won my battle with the shadow demon this time. It will be too soon before it comes to plague me again. Interestingly it was being a sloth that kept me afloat. I'm too lazy even to feel upset. Haha. Being happy is still easier on the nerves and is definitely a less tiring job to keep up. It's the getting here that's tough.

I was watching 'Girl, Interrupted' again the other day. Borderline Personality Disorder. I think everyone has that one time or another. Not me today. I think.

The sun came out. Everything smells clean... and new.

I watched 'Wicker Park' the other day too. That's another good movie. Like 'Single White Female' only no one dying. To be so in love...

Still broken... in the process of mending :)

It's a rainy morning and I woke up to the sound of pitter-patter on my window. I like the sound of raindrops on a roof. It's nice to sleep in on a morning like this. One of those things that makes me feel contented and luxuriously lazy.

BUT,

I:

- Couldn't sleep anymore.

- Was fighting another personal demon in my sleep.

The shadow kind that my mind conjures and just won't die with a stake through the heart

And the kind that stays for breakfast.


SO,

I:

- Am tired even before the day begins.

- Am fighting shadow demons in broad daylight.

And going to have breakfast in a few minutes

Even a shadow demon might make good company.

Progress!

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

Since I've been back I've felt better about myself than I have since everything went downhill when I was in KL. I can't say I am completely out of rehab but I'm getting there. Falling out of love is painful alright. I think I had the cushion of needing to concentrate on other things more important at that time to keep me off the real pain of separation. Blogging has also been therapeutic, and so has going to the gym and spending more time with my friends. A mix of endorphins, good company and concrete self-will got me through this without going insane. I assumed after everything important got out of the way that I'd grief for another ending (and cry my eyes out. Generally being a sulky post-break-up person) but I surprised even myself when I picked myself up faster than I've ever done before. Usually I'm the kind who'll sit in a corner to wallow in self-pity and create more scenarios to plague my already weary mind and heart (the kind that replays and replays with all sorts of different endings... what if I'd done this? or said that? would it have been different? bla bla bla... that happens to make me sick too. Why did I torture myself like that?). The most crucial lesson I learnt from all my endings was that the worse will always pass, but before that happened I'd have to sit tight, grit my teeth and ride the waves. I can't remember if I've said that before. Something tells me I have. I guess after enough times I've learnt that it's better to sit back and take the hits instead of fight. It makes the rough riding so much easier. And that to love is always easier than to hate. Sigh. I always learn too late. I'm hoping one day I'll learn before it's too late and probably save from hurting another person and then the pieces of THE puzzle will fall into place. Until then... sigh...

Since I'm on the topic of progress... I got weighed again today at the gym and so did Ling Tze. She lost a little weight and lost a lot on her fat %, like 10%!! I gained 0.6kg (haha... quite good since I've been bingeing like crazy) and lost about 6% fat... MUAHAHA!! But then again, we did go to the gym religiously for a whole month. I am now officially more muscle than fat (20.2% fat as a matter of fact) compared to when I got back a month ago (which was about 26%). I feel good. Hehe. According to the scale thingy that measured our weights and body this-and-that percentages, I have an 'athletic' body type... WAH... haha. Yeah RIGHT I'm thinking. Still no defined abs though :( the only boo-boo in this whole paragraph.

I hope I can keep this up when I'm back in KL. It would suck to let this go. I like me more now.

I was just surfing, reading other people's blogs and remembering what I was up to at those particular dates when these people were writing in their blogs. Memories are interesting things. No matter how much we complain about time flying by but we still get complacent and don't grasp what we hold dear closer. Maybe it's not a we but it's definitely me. Just like me now, procrastinating like there's no tomorrow. It makes me sick... but I'm still sitting here blogging instead.

The day's only saving grace is going to gym. But I'm only doing that because it's become routine. Maybe if I somehow work actually doing work into my routine then maybe it'll work out. Haha. I used 'work' 3 times in one sentence. I must really start though. Things are getting out of hand, and if I don't keep myself more busy than this I'll begin to fall back into the abyss I know as SLOTH and IDLE THOUGHT. Those two have taken away more from me than anything else I know. SLOTH has cost me time I could've spent doing work so I don't have to rush later. IDLE THOUGHT has taken me back to periods of my life I wish to forget more times than I'd appreciate. Those two hand-in-hand don't make a good combination if I am to keep to how I am living my life now. I've gotta keep it together... I'm happy but only barely so...

Since I've been back I've been on eating binges everytime I'm sitting in front of the TV, or just sitting at home really :P It's strange how the urge to eat even though I'm not exactly hungry overtakes me in those moments of boredom. When I'm back in vista I sleep from boredom... but then again there's usually nothing in the fridge in the first place and nothing to watch on TV. He he! ;)

After gym a few days ago I was sitting with Ling Tze at one of those little cafe things drinking ice honey green tea with pearl thingies in them and reading magazines. It occurred to me that I was extremely hungry but since I'm extremely broke I didn't want to spend more money eating out. However, after flipping through 2 standard women's magazines I didn't feel like eating anymore. It's all those pictures of 'desireable' women and those 'fashionable' clothes. Not that I'm exactly dissatisfied with my own body (I don't think a girl who's completely satisfied with herself exists) but of course there are things I'd like to have... like a toned everything. Haha. I am still prone to stereotypes. Maybe that's why I don't buy magazines. It's a waste of money and a waste of my eating time :P Not to mention I'd be spending money on a whole lot of advertising enticing me to buy more things that I want but don't really need. No no no... for me, reading magazines only happens at the saloon, doctor's office, gym (we got it there too... reading material while we're bored cycling), cafe thingies like the one Ling Tze and I went to, someone else's mags if I happen to sit on it... yep yep. Everytime I read a magazine I get a sick anorexic-like feeling... like it's wrong to eat... no magazine for me alright.

Going off on a tangent, the other day I was experiencing another one of those moments of pure gold with the sun in my eyes when it occurred to me how strange that it would be happening to 'Fix You' by Coldplay. I'm no Coldplay fan but for some reason it hit a cord in me. I'm one of those who fall for lyrics rather than the song itself. I didn't start bawling in the car or anything but it was just so surreal. Anyway, I thought it was funny because I was there at peace with the world but the song that was playing was bittersweet. It's like having the person in charge of the soundtrack of your life play the wrong song at the wrong moment. But isn't that what Life is all about? Wrong timing... until you get it right and everything falls into place (again I am babbling). So every time 'Fix You' comes on the radio, that same peace falls over me and I get the feeling that everything will be all right, even though it is still not a happy song. That's conditioning for ya.

I just got back from dinner with my ex. It wasn't an awkward dinner where both parties would be trying to prevent from hurting each other's feelings by saying the wrong things. It was comfortable and no one was forced into being friendly. Everything's been resolved long ago, we're just friends and that's just excellent. It didn't even feel strange listening to him whine about his current girlfriend and his various business ventures that are giving him gigantic migraines. It was even nice to know that everything was going on fine for him besides the usual complaints. Why am I telling you this?

(aside from me getting a free Japanese dinner just now... haha :P I'm broke la. I was glad he didn't mind).

Isn't it interesting, how we're always able to adapt no matter how difficult the circumstances are? The ending with this ex wasn't pretty. And for a while things didn't seem like it would get better. One of those long drawn out things and being the softy I am things got even worse. Then finally one day, I just decided to rip it off quick like a band-aid. But by then, it didn't even hurt because I'd already left before I knew it. In any case, I find it extremely strange how I can actually carry out a normal conversation with him since when we first met we were never even friends first. Time reset everything... for me anyway. Only one thing I did wrong to erase myself... and that was overwriting a hurt by loving someone else. BIG NO NO. I've been doing that for as long as I know.

Everyday I'm reminding myself I'm not ready... because I'm still broken.

I woke up this morning, thinking how everyday is going to be the same and just hoping that the routine would dull my senses enough to let me get through without going back to all those habits I shouldn't keep. I can already feel those evil vines creeping slowly back into my veins. It is not the fatigue keeping me back, it is me the sloth. Maybe I should change my ways... to not be so afraid of endings, to not be so ready to fit into another comfortable space, to not want to jump into the fire so easily... too many things are too transient. It's a nagging feeling at the back of my neck, this need to be loved but I am not ready to start. That's the first time I could stand up to myself enough to own up I am not ready to jump.

How strange... I'm actually saying "no" to myself.

After yesterday's little ruffle I was very eager to hit the gym today. After a good run I'm feeling good again. Thank goodness for endorphins and exercise. Then I hit the resistance training with full gusto! haha... okie that's overstating it but I was definitely very enthusiastic when it came to working out today. RUN RUN RUN! DON'T STOP! YOU CAN DO IT! (ok, keep breathing evenly now...). Finally, pumping iron and thinking, 'I'm slowly getting my muscles toned... I'm fitter than I've ever freaking hell been in my entire life...' helps put my heart and mind in check. At this rate, I'm definitely going to be one of those people who run things out on a treadmill. Scary. Like those women who run like they have a grudge against all MAN-kind. But I don't hate men. Just don't understand them very much. Oh oh, and there was core-conditioning again today... my abs hurt... ah... a good workout, although a little disappointing at the same time. Ling Tze thought so too... our muscles weren't screaming to be released.

Moving on

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

I realize there are still things that hurt, even if I try very hard to make them disappear.

While I was on my way to gym this evening I had this sense of complete peace. The sun was in my eyes but not so much that it'd be annoying. I'd turned off the radio and it just seemed as if everything was right with the world. It was a clear day, even with the minimal haze going on here in Brunei (compared to KL of course). The orange horizon, the quiet in my car and the thought of me on my way to my beloved workout place was just pure bliss. Like soaking in calm cool waters on a hot day. Strange how being away just makes all pain disappear. In a sense today was the best day I've had since I've been back.

Then having a very nice dinner with a friend. Stuffing myself till I was ready to burst. Realizing that I'm happy being alone. Finally coming to terms with it. Ah, the innocence of this.

But I come crashing and burning back to reality with just a few words. Funny how that happens. CRASHING BACK TO REALITY. Again I realize I am still not immune. Oh, how I loath these back and forth retches my heart makes, jerking me back into memories I don't want to remember.

I fell in love broken everytime. B-R-O-K-E-N. Missing pieces I'd given away so long ago, finding each time that a piece might come back to haunt me. I've had enough of that. I'm waiting this time. Waiting for a real whirlwind to sweep me off. I've never really been in love. I'm so young to be so world-weary.



Some photos from Bryan's camera when we were in Redang. I just got the ones I liked (even though the first one makes me look crazy :P). I'm so partial to black and white photos.

I haven't been to Jerudong Park for a long time, so we went just now. We didn't sit on any of the rides because the park's popularity has gone down so much that they can't afford proper maintenance anymore. It's such a shame because it used to be packed with people and parking was a big headache but that's part of going to a theme park. In any case, we still had to pay the entrance fee (hhahah... it's a buck to walk around and a fiver to sit on any of the rides... assuming the one you want is still open... a few are already closed 'for maintenance'). So we took silly pictures instead.
Sweet, no? I haven't taken a photo sitting on something as silly as a camel for a long time.

Oh... this one's got nothing to do with JP. It's Ling Tze and yours truly after our first Boxercise class. We're smiling but really our abs were hurting something bad.

Ya... we were bored.

We were at at the kids' playground. I just love the swings... but the motion pictures didn't turn out right. Just got this.

I just got back from the gym... again. Took another new class. Body combat. Feels just like Boxercise except no crazy floor exercises and we never stop moving, except probably between song changes for 10 secs. Ling Tze opted out after a while. My muscles now ache again from the unfamiliarity of new exercises. Ah well. I'm addicted to going to the gym and working out. I like the pain and the satisfaction that I get after I've been to the gym. It's getting so bad that I'm beginning to be a fixture in the gym, along with Ling Tze. Gym furniture. Haha!

Most days when I'm running nowhere on the treadmill I want to stop, not from exhaustion but because I just don't feel like it. Then this voice in my head says, "Don't let it beat you. Do you want to go back the way you were? This is a good start, stick with it. Are you just going to give up? DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK THERE??" And I think, "NO!" and I keep running... I feel like an Energizer bunny after I finish running. This sounds so much like I'm obese. :P

I'm fearing going back to KL although it is still a while before that happens. I don't want to go back to all my bad habits and all my faults. I'm new again here. Sounds like it's time to rearrange furniture in my room, pretend I'm in a different place. I know this time I'm going to miss Brunei and miss my home and my family.

No more mistakes now. I will be clean.

I think Life should be a woman, if Life could ever be given a gender. She has PMS days (or months or years for some) and mood swings like you'd never imagine. Life has the uncanny ability to spring forth such unforeseen circumstances at you that you wonder why you were unhappy with your previous arrangement in the first place (yes, I think everyone would agree that Life gets worse when you least expect it). I always laugh when it starts to 'rain', I've got this idea that it'll always 'start pouring' sooner or later. It saves me the anguish of expecting a silver lining and not getting it. Below is a few reasons why Life should be a woman (I made it up myself... haha...). But of course, most of it is very subjective and in no way a sexist thing. Sheesh, I'm making women look bad as it is.

1. She likes to make things happen when you least expect it, like giving you the promotion/scholarship/(insert very much desired thing here) you always wanted after years of waiting or taking away the very thing you cherish (just because you've had it so long you've forgotten to treasure it's very existence) or giving you more problems than you can handle when you've got enough to drown you.

2. She likes to give you things in such a way that it is bittersweet. She makes you very happy and very sad at the very same time. For example, allowing you to realize that your ex still loves you and that you still love him/her but it's too late because you're getting married today. It's just as if she enjoys burning you (the ant) under a very big magnifying glass but saying 'I love you so much' at the very same time.

3. She is not always that way though, sometimes she just makes you so happy you wonder why you don't love her more... but that can go down the drain when she crushes you so exquisitely you wonder, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT!?!?! WE HAD A GOOD THING GOING! ARGH! LIFE SUCKS! $)>%*$#)^

4. She makes you make very difficult decisions between your wants (what you really want or the wrong thing to do) and her (the right thing to do) but doesn't tell you which decision is which and sometimes the right thing to do can become the wrong thing to do and bla bla bla. Basically confuse the crap outta you.

5. Ok, I ran out of reasons. Well, more like I got tired of typing and thinking. To be continued then...

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