Random Thought Bubbles

This is the owner of the gym I'm going to. If he's not YUMMY, I don't know what is. Grrr..! He's good-looking (absolutely spicy I tell you), relatively young (25), rich (not important but sounds good haha!), is a model, is an actor, plays basketball for Brunei (although Brunei ain't that good, but who cares! He does a good 360 spin thingy before sinking the ball sometimes). Yikazoids! This is the perfect man (in terms of skill and external beauty, anyway). Haha! But I'm no groupy. He is good-looking though, ya have to admit and it's not the reason why I go to the gym so much, if anyone's wondering. He's not in Brunei at the moment and also unavailable :P

I saw the movie last night, and had a major chocolate craving after it :P (bought myself a whole bar of dairy milk). I read the book a long time ago but I don't remember Willy Wonka being so insecure... or being so much like Michael Jackson (ugh, but his music still rocks and he's so rich it doesn't matter if he wants to make his home an amusement park). Willy Wonka so childish, so self-centred instead of the weird little fellow who made chocolate but still seemed more like a fairy tale character rather than a scary reality check. It was sad how he didn't have the childhood everyone deserves but then again, that's how psychos and geniuses are made. Strange how those two go together... to me anyway (yes, I'm babbling). I left the cinema thinking what a scary movie it must be for little kids if they really thought about it (just like 'Courage the Cowardly Dog' but I loved that cartoon. Morbidly funny). And Johnny Depp did a real good job at being Willy Wonka... still upper lip, manic chuckling, hardly caring about the wellbeing of his guests and all. It's a pretty good movie, if you don't bother thinking too much about it, like a whole lot of other movies.

I read a bit of Roald Dahl when I was little. I loved BFG the best. To all of you who haven't read Roald Dahl you're definitely missing out.

Veering off the topic of movies, two days ago I came out of a new class with Ling Tze feeling like my abs were so raw I probably wouldn't be able to do another sit-up. It was a class called 'Boxercise'. It wasn't the 'boxing' per say that made it painful but the floor exercises. The most number of tummy crunches, sit-ups and strange ab exercise I've done forever. 2 sets of 20 abdominal crunches with a count that's 1 sec each. I kept up for the first set but died in the second (haha! I couldn't stop laughing. It was agonizing to keep up!) Then 20 more ab crunches but with legs straight up to the ceiling, 20 ab crunches with legs bent halfway in the air, 20 sit-ups to touch elbows to knees (this part I just couldn't keep up), 20 leg-lifts without touching the ground once, bla bla bla... you get the picture. At the end, my abs were ready to fall out. But it felt so good after! So I'm definitely going for another painful session with Tyrone the very buff black instructor with a very nice brit accent :P

I just happened over some old poetry I wrote a long time ago. It's strange I don't remember the emotions that went along with these words. I did a revision of some of the verses but the idea is essentially the same, although I still can't put my finger on when I wrote it or why. It was from a period when I was still writing poetry the had some sort of hidden meaning. Anyway, it's reads as follows...

Enter stage left Disappointment
Maybe you’ll stay awhile.
Blood and sweat drip free from these hands
He might tell me otherwise, smiling.

It's funny how I never listened to my friends when they were trying to tell me something for my own good, even though I'd thanked them each time for being honest. I realize now they were the ones who saw the reality while I was being blinded by the shroud of 'love'.

My best friend and I had our first one-on-one session with the trainer at the gym today. While I was happily running nowhere on the treadmill I realized I actually enjoy working out. I still don't see the point in running on a treadmill beside other equally directionless work-outters but it's nice having the time and everything else in front of you and not having to worry about bugs or stepping in dog poo (and having the Disney channel playing cartoons is a good distraction :P) I was thinking about all the endorphins swimming about in my bloodstream while my best friend was having her session and wondering why I never used to like working out.

The trainer was wondering why my calves were toned when I was doing the leg presses after she showed me on the machine thingy... she thought I ran alot. No, I just wear four-inch heels alot :P So there is a point to wearing them heels besides looking really sexy. He he!

In any case, I love going to the gym. It's only been 5 days though. Everything still hurts but it feels good, oddly enough. I think I'll be going to the gym more often now that I realize I like the endorphin high. But I go on horribly unsatiated binges thinking I'll work it off anyway... Not good. Not good at all. Haha.

There has been several bouts of 'hysteria' in the local girls' school. It's been reported (on the front page too since this place hasn't got any better news to cover) that several girls suddenly started shouting and screaming before passing out during class or assembly or something along the lines of a crowd. It's been happening for the past week or more (I don't know really cause the newspaper was already running it when I got back). Bomohs were called in to rid the school off the evil spirits that caused these girls to act so oddly (That's how it read in the newspaper). Lots of parents were freaked out and the whole school had a day off after the second 'attack'. I thought it would've been funny if these girls coordinated these 'attacks'. Super scam the school and the authorities into giving them special treatment. But today's newspaper reported another one of such attacks in the nearby primary school. Was it a coincidence? Hmmm...

I find urban legends funny. One of them urban legends I heard at school was about a friend's friend's second cousin twice removed who was from some school (obviously local and unnamed) who stuck a test-tube up her woohoo (haha... ok, bad word to substitute it with... but you know what it is) and it broke and they had to bring her to the hospital, broken bit of test-tube, bleeding and all. She must've been really rough with her 'fun'. And I'm sure someone else has a similar version of that story. All bollocks.. :P

I'm tempted to continue with my wallowing. I'm tempted to be the whinny wuss I'm used to being at times like this. But I'm tired of that, and it's tiring being upset. I'm still trying to think my way out of this, instead of doing all those things I used to do to erase my hurt. However, I don't know what I want just right now. I want to be comfortable being by myself, of which I am. I want to be able to sit still without being melancholic, that I cannot do. BUT WHY? It's irritating.

My arms are so tired they feel rubbery as I type. My day started late after lunch when I hauled my lazy butt out of bed and into a badminton court. I played till my right arm had no feeling. Then I had a combination of taichi, yoga and pilates class where I stretched almost every muscle in my body. It was invigorating though, funny because it was strenuous without being taxing on stamina... just on one's aching muscles. Take pilates people! It's excellent for toning, although it does hurt something bad the first time... I feel every muscle in my stomach and back! After that, we (meaning my best friend and I) had a nice round of weight training... actually we didn't plan on attending that class, but since we had the time and wanted to try everything out... ya... now everything hurts, but it was GREAT!

On a separate note, I've been having relapses of melancholy these few days. The feeling is like being slowly and painfully torn apart, leaving only an empty space within. Mood swings... ugh. I'm trying to figure out what I'm yearning for. The last has got my bearings all in a twist, but keeping busy has kept me off my addictions.

I'm back home! After a tiring day in the plane, running around Miri and in the car on the way back, I'm in my brother's room typing. I didn't realize how much I missed home. I guess it'll happen to everyone some time or another. My plane ride can't be termed excellent, or horrible but I had the good luck of having 3 aunties in front of me gossiping away in Mandarin (not that I have anything against it. They were just talking too loud and for too long. I WANTED TO SLEEP!) and a very fidgety lady behind me who couldn't stop sighing and tsk tsking and getting up to check something in the overhead compartment every once in a while.

My feelings right now: Happy I'm back, glad that Brunei hasn't changed much (although that definitely is a sign of decrepit. haha... but that's my home for you), glad to feel at home when I walked in the door, glad to step into my old room with all it's old memories and all those little trinkets I keep, extremely glad to be away from my vista room and KL. I suppose I'm also a creature of change and too much stagnating in one place makes me plain. Not in much of a philosophical mood right now. I'm just happy. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :)

I had a drinking party at my place last night. However, I left 30min after the first bottle was opened to go clubbing. So, I don't know how it went. I'm usually a better host, but I don't think my friends minded :P They seemed to have had a pretty good time when I strolled in my door at 5am feeling like a 'shaken not stirred' martini and being amused at the way everything was strewn on the tables, sofas and what not. Clubbing wasn't really fun, but it was very therapeutic, if I am allowed to call it that. At last some sort of closure, although there is always a chance of relapse but I'm not about to allow that to happen, again. I got up this morning with a messed up house and cleaned it up best I could with my queasy self. At least I can see the tabletop now, but I'm being dramatic.

I just got my results. I calmly opened the slip when everyone around me had shaking hands or was too excited. It was interesting to not care about what was in the slip. I passed, thank God. My in-course assessments pulled up my grades somewhat but I passed the finals itself too but I think barely. Now I am left with time to choreograph for cheerleading and learn pilates. Sounds like the start of a pretty eventful holiday.

I'm looking forward to going home. I haven't looked forward to going home for a while.

You know what's a good movie? Closer. I haven't watched a good movie in a long time. This one's got Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts and one other fellow who's quite famous whose name I can't recall. It's about their relationships and how messed up things get when you have triangles. It's excellent. I love crying to movies and I cried to this one. It's amazing how someone can be so in love one second and so angry the next and how love can make someone do impossible things and how hate and jealousy can make someone so vengeful. It's strange how everyone wants the truth no matter how painful it hits and how Life hits you down so well that after a while you don't even want to know the truth and rather someone lie so you don't hurt. Ignorance is bliss so they say. Today I'd like to be ignorant.

I've a greyish tinge to my skin I can't explain. I'm on borrowed light that's becoming dim as the days progress. Now I'm sure I've plunged off the edge because I have the time. My hands don't scratch but they make invisible traces on the tabletop of your name, over and over. I'd love to start over with another name and another place, where no one knows me.

Men are crap, but I like them all the same. Boys are worse, because they don't know what they want. One thing they all have in common is that they don't say what they don't mean. And when you ask a question they can't answer, they don't say a thing. No matter the desperation for words, "I don't know what to say." "What do you want me to say?" "I don't know." And the loops keeps going.

I know what it feels like to have someone who used to love you around. It is just as if he became a stranger overnight. I realize again I never really knew him in the first place.

Midnight quiet reminds me of desperate times, of those periods when I thought I wouldn't survive. Just like being terminally ill, except, I'm not. I've forgotten what it's like to live normally. It's strange how everything can change so much, yet we can still adapt and only realize too late how drastic things have become. Now I try not to ask questions and take them as they come, those arrows that sting but yet I so embrace.

So I take another drag from the cup of life. This time it is bittersweet like the aftertaste of a once passionate relationship gone bad. I'm not too concerned about the future - there is nothing to look forward to. I've lost my fire again.

Oh why does my mind tell me I'm doing it all wrong, that it's time to move on to yet another foreign land? Why am I always waiting? It's not fair but I'm still doing it. I'm so tired of feeling like a milkshake. I'm craving for something more permanent than these transient meetings that leave me confused. I know they are no more than they are, just a temporary release, but I wish they could be. I've learnt not to read more into things, they don't exist. I've hid my emotions so well, I can't even voice them out now. Just as if the words dissipate when I grab at them.

Got back from Redang last night. It was a blast! The water was clear blue and there were 40 odd of us in the same resort. A combination of friends, berboraking in the sea and at all hours, wearing my swim suit all day (I didn't get a bikini in time :P), having sand in my pants for 3 days straight and going snorkelling was really good. It made everyone forget about exams and the rest of the world. A big plus was the Rainbow, Graveyard, Chivas and Vodka and doing flips on the beach (although I messed one up and got a mouthful of sand but since I was already woozy, I don't think I cared all that much:P). The moon wasn't really out, it was really cloudy but it was still a lot of fun! I got to go kayaking and saw a whole lot of coral and fish... but doing that for 2 days ain't much fun after a while :P I didn't get to see the baby sharks though... me not being able to swim at all and someone telling me, "just bring your goggles and tube then... should be fine." I panicked and had a very tanned lifeguard save me. haha... no good looking guys on the beach though, which was nothing special... wasn't looking out for one anyway :P Most of the guys got sunburnt, since they all didn't wanna wear sunblock... not macho so it seems. I'm tanned again but gladly not burnt. My SPF 30 BananaBoat Grape Smelling For Kids sunblock works like a charm. It was funny feeling like I was still at sea when I was still on the beach. Like having a high when I haven't even had a drop. All in all a really good holiday even though the food sucked and the place we were staying in was undergoing some major renovations but we walked the stretch of beach and found good volleyball places, and I got buried in the sand and made a very busty mermaid! :) One really big turn off was our room which stank to high heaven of sewage but after sitting in it for about 5 min everything smells the same. haha. There weren't many nice shells to pick so I got 3 nice bracelets from the souvenier shop before we left and a towel that's purple and says 'REDANG' with little fish all over the place.

Another yucky thing is my camera didn't work... it ran out of battery before we left and I didn't have time to get a new one. Oh well, time to leech pictures off other people's digicams.

I also didn't get viva... so I think I'm definitely failing. I guess once in my life isn't such a bad thing :P

I've just spent the better part of my day in front of the computer and wasting my life away on stupid computer games that I can't beat anyway. I spent the rest of my day staring into space and wondering what's making me feel this way. I just don't care. I want to care but I just don't. I think I'm not afraid of failing because I don't realize the consequences. But I've been through so many consequences that I'm getting used to being beat down with that giant rottan that God has. So I lay out the consequences in front of me. And still I feel... nothing. Not an inkling of disappointment, regret or even anger. Just a numbness that's so compelling that I can only wonder what will become of me in the future. I am not sad, not happy, not relieved that the exams are going to be over, not dreading the big 'YOU FAILED, YOU DIPSHIT' on my result slip, not thinking about how I will have to spend the next month studying again, not worrying that I won't pass... What the heck is happening to me? Could God please just give me a feeling? It's like I've just turned into a piece of scrap metal.

So I'm thinking that it's the things that's happened in the past 3 weeks or so that's giving me a brain bung. You know... like a big stopper that prevents anything from falling through. All the incidents leading up to now, I have never in my life thought would've happened. But those are exactly what Life, in general, likes throwing at us. In any case, I thought I had resolved them but since I'm still stuck in limbo now, I think maybe I haven't. I didn't sweep it under the carpet like I usually do, I talked it out with myself... forgave where was necessary to release burden that I shouldn't carry around with me, told myself it was mistake and mistakes happen and I should learn from them, and here I am. I suppose it's not as easy as that. I don't hurt and cry now, but I don't live either. I think I need a shrink, or some sort of counsellor. I'm calmly going mental. Isn't that ironic? Calmly and mental don't mix.

Everyone around me is in exam mode. They are studying and stressing about passing. I am sitting around and saying, "I'm going to fail anyway" and they go, "If you fail, I'll cut IT off". Looks like someone will have to, cause I'm definitely going down that road.

Belief is a very strong concept. I have an uncanny ability to believe in something so much that it'll happen. Of course it doesn't always work, but it's worked enough times during exams like spotting things that'll come up that has got a few people convinced. Today, I don't believe I will fail. I still don't have that in my head. However, from the unreliability of my brain and my fumbling hands, I might because of sheer evidence :P fact still strongly overtakes the intangible, no?

One more day left before I can pretend that everything went well and relax because I pretend I deserve it. I suppose with all that's happened around me, this is understandable. But I am not accepting it as understandable. I know I could've done better, but why didn't I? I gave up at the worst of times, in the middle of papers and while having to think about something. My mind went into blank spasms and I wondered what I was doing there in the first place. I'm not smart. I'm just a memorizing machine... who's broken at the moment and can't remember anything. So the examinations are going to hell and I'm in a fiery chariot falling into that same chasm, on a straight course to crashing and burning. Here's to all those times everyone thought I was smart. I'm not.

If I pass, it's a miracle. I don't want to believe that I might fail. But I did too many things wrongly. Not because I didn't study but because I've got everything mixed up in my head. Nothing sticks to where it's supposed to be. And today's exam was just another repetition of yesterday's, if not worse. But I think it was worse. Actually, even if I did study like nuts... which I did... I wouldn't have done any better. You know why? I can't remember anything! So there... Looks like I won't be doing pilates anymore. Study study till my eyes pop out.

I think I'll stick my head in my cupboard and scream now. My head is empty and my spirit broken. Tomorrow I'll stand in front of the SP and the examiner and screw up. I'm already readying myself to see the fail mark in my result slip. And so life goes on.