Random Thought Bubbles

Ramblings on of someone still finding the way

Happy Valentine's Day! The exclamation mark betrays my need to be sombre and melancholy but let's not be depressing. There will be no special dinner or flowers or chocolates or candy or teddy bears for me this year, but that's okay. I didn't get anything special for valentine's last year either. Haha... still bitter but that's okay too. Bygones. I'm stuck doing the selective powerpoint presentation for congenital asphyxia :P All random ramblings...

Two birthdays have passed. Mr. Lee Kah Heng and Ms. See Lina. Pictures Lina's in a moment. Fondue party and drinking party... MMMmmMMmmMMm... Haha! Van Ren was gracious enough to lend the use of her den for the party as well as the use of her liqour cabinet (it was full of XO). Van was to lure the unsuspecting (or rather suspicious) Lina to her house on the whim that Kah Heng, Van Ren and her were supposed to go watch a movie. So there we were hiding out in the darkened den trying to light the 20 candles (yes, 20 not 2) on the cake and to be quiet as Van Ren lead Lina upstairs and then downstairs again outside the house to allow us the time to walk out of the den just as Lina walks back in, thinking how sluggishly slow Mr. Kah Heng the designated driver is taking to get them. I'm not quite sure whether Lina was more surprised or more expecting the surprise, but no matter, we had a good time playing 'Ring of Fire' (Van introduced the very complicated drinking game with cards that one can only understand after a few rounds after which lots of drink will have impaired one's capacity to comprehend even the simplest of commands). The big loser is the fella who has to drink from a big bowl that's been filled with any kind of drink by three other people before the unlucky 4th girl/guy.

Lina had to write her initials with her butt every time she took a drink (it never gets boring :P) but since she can drink like any Punjabi can we didn't quite get her pissed drunk (not even close!). Ling Wei on the other hand turned a bright beetroot. With the green shirt she was wearing she looked just like a Christmas tree ready to puke (which she did, and turned a whiter shade of pale thereafter). The rest of the story is in the pictures. Enjoy! There were lots soooo I only put up some of them. The theme was green or yellow but the message didn't quite get across to everyone so yep... And we got her a pendant... but I haven't a picture of that.

The cake... hahaha

Lina and the guys

Lina and the girls... she's stooping, she's not THAT short. Hehe!

Big Loser #1 - Step 1 on how to drink a big bowl of drink - Face your fear

Step 2 - Try your best

Step 3 - Give the rest to your boyfriend

After the big bowl - Notice the redness

I find this a particular funny picture of Lina and Ling Wei

Big Loser #2 - He was on the floor after this one

The Green Twins Plus Ling Wei in Red

My drinking buddy

Attempting to look scrumptious - FAILED!

the RING OF FIRE!

The only other photo with Van in it

Big Loser #3

No need to explain :P

Awww...


Happy Hai Fon :)

Sheng Kai's lucky 10secs of the day

Ah Moo and ME!

Finally the last photo... adding one photo at a time is very tedious. This thing just won't let me do it 5 at a time :P Blah!

Life is getting very boring. As a whole it is also becoming very empty. Due to the lack of Astro at my place I also have nothing to watch and since I've heard that it is risky to use Limewire I'm stuck with the sluggish speed of downloading entertainment by Bittorrent... I am also blogging for the sake of blogging. Haha. Topics discussed among the group I go around with are also getting very repetitive. And since speed dating is the nearest to any level of interesting I shall tell you a little bit about it.

While on the bus back from the Spastic Children's Centre, a bunch of us got on the topic of speed dating, since Valentine's is coming up and all 4 of us will not be guaranteed a date. None of us knew much about it but it appears speed dating exists in Malaysia because someone read something about it, it also appears to be quite fun and in all appearances it appears to be a good way to meet people. A morbid way to look at it would be that it is similar to sitting for ospe because each station is 5min and you gotta pencil a tick mark beside a bunch of questions in response to what you think about the fella sitting opposite you after asking some questions of course. After the whole session you hand in your score sheets and hopefully receive some sms's regarding matches made during the whole ordeal. You get e-mail addresses or phone numbers and you get to choose if you want to arrange a date with that particular tall dark stranger.

I suppose with the myriad of choices at IMU, speed dating does look very promising. Haha. But with a requirement list (recently made) like mine I doubt anyone would pass. Let's see... the perfect man: is freaking good-looking, bloody rich, very smart, someone I can talk with, can dance, can play an instrument well, can write good poetry, would go shopping with me, is comfortable to be with, is straight, available. If any one guy were to pass the above list, they'd probably be gay or unavailable. Sigh... I realize the shallowness in my list but I'm just setting a bar. I must get out of the cocky guy pattern. (but a guy with all the above is bound to be cocky though... hahaha... ah well... can't have everything :P).

The Hallmark holiday no one single likes to pass is coming... sigh...

The hair show thing on Sunday was nice. But I realized how inadequate I am. Haha. Not tall enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not even remotely model material. Very self-esteem blowing. I'm glad it was only for a day. I don't think I could take anymore of that. And pro-models seem to have very cool names like Vera and Zuka (Zuka's got legs that seem to go on forever). Walking around isn't really easy too. I look half-dead if I don't smile and we were told to look as bitchy and 'lan si' as possible as if the world owed us money. Very difficult when I don't feel very all that and the boots I'm wearing are 5/6, squashing my size 7 feet and sacrificing my fourth and fifth toes while I try to look damn good and damn comfortable in them. Amelia looked really good in her sack-like dress... and with her make-up on you'd never even recognize her. Van Ren looked really good in her technicolour bra too... Lavinia was, as always, hot in that brown ultra-small dress that kept riding up. So that leaves Li Na and yours truely. Judge when you see the pictures below. Haha!

A day in a life of a model is alot of waiting and waiting and waiting... and more waiting. Van Ren, Li Na and I got there at the stipulated 9.30am to get ready for the 9pm show. No one was there, not even the stylist. Then we went for breakfast and took our sweet time. When we got back we met Lavinia and some of the other models and the stylist, William. Then we waited. Finally we were fitted with clothes. I was supposed to wear a blue embellished corset (in which I could hardly breathe) but that was swapped with what I'm wearing in the pictures (sad case, because the corset looked so much better) because the girl before me didn't fit anything else that was left so they let her have the corset. Then we had a dry run rehearsal and walked a few more times. Next, we had our hair redone and any last minute changes in between. Then make-up, then more waiting and waiting, then rehearsals. It was generally a boring day. For a less than one minute walk, a whole day is a long time to wait :P At least I got to do something like this once. Doubt I'll ever get another chance at this rate. Hehe.

And congratulations to Van Ren for getting asked to be an in-house model :) Long live the mushroom culture!

Pictures time! There are more from Lavinia and some videos from Steph. I shall post them when I get them. Van's camera went bonkers on the day so ya... oh well.

Before - The mushroom twins

After - The vamped up mushroom twins... It's amazing what make-up can do


Don't ask about the dots... I think they were aiming between 'Cats' and 'Memoirs of a Geisha' :P Taken in Zouk's toilet. Haha!


This is what Li Na and I wore... yes, we know... hence the cage scenario


The ever sexy Lavinia :)


Just before going out. I looked so bad I just cut myself out. Haha. The model (Vera) in the middle wasn't wearing anything besides the brown knitted top and nipple stickers under that jacket


Li Na trying to do 'garang'


When in doubt, better to pose silly if ya can't look good, sexy or gaya. The model beside me is Zuka... she's the one with ever long legs.


Smiling is always better... :)


Minus Amelia - who was with the other set of models


Just before the show - I like my camera phone. Taken in darkness and still clear. Muahaha!!


Just having two pro models in a picture can make it look so much more like a magazine spread. Haha. But I look like a Japanese vampire... sigh...

I'm not in much of a mood for anything today. I'm lonely again. I crave company. My hair's much more copper than it was before I went for the free hair cut and dye. I'm behind schedule in studying for renal. I don't quite care. Sigh... I need love in my life, besides having friends. Too many things become meaningless. It's a sad fact. I'm happy being single but I'd rather have someone sweep me off my feet. Where is a tall, handsome stranger when you need one?

I'm excited about the hairshow thing on Sunday. Only because I get to pretend I'm someone else for a day. It's also nice having someone wash my hair at a salon. I can see why females like spending a day at a salon (although sitting in a chair for so long is quite tiresome). I feel like chopping off my hair... like I did the last time I thought it was time for a change (in more ways than just my hairstyle). I hope I get funky clothes to walk around in. My hair's just the same as it always has been. At least I get to hide behind my hair, clothes and make-up (assuming I'll have lots of make-up on... haha...).

Sigh... I'm waiting for the lover after you...

I am ugly in this shell
That I've filled with what I
Thought I wanted.
I've draped my shoulders with
Honey-coloured memories,
Yellow with age and decay.
Painting my face because I
Am not what the world accepts
Superficially, I am fine.

He prefers to disappear
I prefer to pretend.
It's time to move away
Into a new town, city, place.
Some other reality to call 'Home',
Some other voice to answer,
Some other monster to tame.
But always, a past
To run away from.

11.1.06

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Tonight sleep evades me,
I lay on my bed
Staring up at the ceiling,
My body in a twist,
My fingers in my hair,
And my thoughts...

I pull my legs into myself
Under these sheets.
Quietly, I let the waves wash
Over and through me.
Allow the silence to silence those voices
I thought I'd stopped hearing.

I dig my nails into my skin
Just to feel something
Else.
It's a papercut wound I'm nursing.
Not deep enough,
But just enough.

I wrap my arms around myself,
Run a finger down my neck.
My thoughts float like wisps of smoke,
Tendrils curling tight, choking me.
A rush of cold I don't understand.
I am trapped.

I hope I don't remember
Anything in the morning.
No morning-after awkwardness
I don't need.
Let these thoughts implode,
Like the fire I shouldn't feed.

Voice, touch, taste, smell, sight.
Senses remember longer than I do.
Every flash sends a shiver
Down my spine.
I fold into myself, trying
Desperately to snuff them out.

I'm suddenly wrenched back into a darkness. After all that's happened I'm still in this space. I can't explain to myself why. And everytime this happens I battle with my consciousness, reasoning with my self that I'm just making this all up. It will take a long time to stop. It will take a big bang to change. It's going take more than just thunder and lightning, no other's voice or touch. What am I to do? I don't understand how it can grow without so much as a little acknowledgement. I am trying to shun it everyday but it's still there, laughing at me because no matter what I do to erase it, it's still tugging at my heartstrings. I am a relunctant puppet to it. Days go by when I let it run over me like a tidal wave. I am helpless in it's turbulence. I am still in pieces. Sigh... I am still waiting, even though I thought I stopped a long time ago.

I thought it was dead... every time you came around I let go of another slice of my black black heart.

I P O D

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I have a black nano! Haha! 21st birthday present from Bernard. If you look into the screen, you can see my phone too, hee hee! I also got 6 shirts and 3 pants from my shopping spree in Singapore too... wah... super birthday indeed!!!

It's just after my birthday.

I have to say it's one of the best ones I've had ever.

Last year I was surprised by two cakes, got taken to KL Tower for dinner, got flowers and got a really nice sari and I turned twenty. This year, I got a cake in the shape of a bag (boy was I surprised to see my cake when I celebrated my birthday in Brunei), surprised with a cake at lecture (I actually didn't think that was going to happen since I already was doing a party at my place... no need for anyone to try surprise me with a party... hehe... too many of those I suppose), had a really nice Hawaiian themed party at my place (to celebrate both my and Brandon's birthday) and then went clubbing at a new place (had a really good time!), got a green and yellow bikini from Topshop, a new camera phone, an ipod soon (hehe...), a sports bra, lots of perfume, several stuffed toys, a book on how to mix shots, a bottle of wine, a novel, a bag, a wallet and several other things. Again I got to celebrate my birthday twice, which was excellent and again I realize how grateful I am to have my family and the friends that I do. I guess I can't say more than that. I had the most amount of people over at my place ever and though my place is still a mess now, I can't complain. Hehe! It was GREAT! Although suddenly deciding to cut the party short and go clubbing was a completely impromptu and most of the guys didn't go was certainly a shame because the party was still fun when it stopped, I'm glad I did decide to go clubbing anyway. I think the night would've been a little less memorable if I hadn't. So, just a few pictures of these things from my nice phone :) hehe...
My Bag Cake
Ling Wei and I are colour coordinated. hehe!

The only two guys who really stuck to the theme

The girls at the party - minus Steph, Lina, Van Ren, Jebbrine, Amelia... (I hope I didn't forget anyone... hehe... always risky listing out these things out...)

KKB bedmates... hehe... Amelia, Racine, ME

It's always good to have Twister at a party. That's Chern Woo and Terry on the mat.

After clubbing at some place called Poppy. The fella who took it for us kept on pressing the zoom button instead of the correct one and still messed it up. From left to right - Racine, Michelle, Gowri (who looked really nice I have to say), ME, Ling Wei, Van Ren, Lina (it's her top that I'm wearing... haha...)

The guys and me after clubbing. From left to right - Kah Heng, Bryan, ME, Sheng Kai

Best photo of the night taken just outside Poppy. Bryan took it. Left to right - Ling Wei, Gowri, Michelle, ME, Amelia, Stephanie, Racine.

I initially had a nice long and very reflective version of this post all typed out. However, Internet Explorer decided to screw me over. So I am starting over.


Another year has passed. I am almost 21. I am still fundamentally flawed. Nothing much has changed. I still have the same hairstyle, probably dyed two colours too weird but I don't care and I haven't grown to the 5' 7" I wish I could be, nor will I ever. I am still the lazy bum, the last minute procrastinator, the last minute everything. I always thought turning 21 would mean a sudden dawning of adulthood and all the responsible characteristics that come with it. Nope, I don't feel a dawning and I definitely don't feel more responsible, although I think I've been mostly quite good with the being responsible. I am still a child at the end of it all.

I learnt a few difficult lessons this year, most of which I would rather have not been made to sit through, but each has made me a better person and made me realize how little of the world, of other people and of myself I deign to really know. The most difficult is learning to be a happy and contented single-person. It took me the good part of the year to sally myself out of my self-pity and regret and initiate proper friendships with my friends. I'm glad I've got this particular bunch too. They've stuck even when I never really hung out with them much and they were there when I needed them. I thought it was a pretty sucky year till about August when I started going out into the world proper again. I suppose I'd prefer not to comment about the front part of the year, everything's been said and done over enough. Spending time with my friends made me realize how much I'd been missing in Sem 1 and 2 and half of 3. I don't mind really because the time I was away with someone else, I was happy. In any case, I was surprised to find that they'd lend a hand, ear, shoulder, money, foot if the need would ever arise. I'm thankful every day that things turned out the way they did (well, all except two things). So I am thankful for learning to be a happy single and for realizing I have really good friends here.

My family are at this moment at church waiting for mass to start. I am supposed to be sharing the pew with them and my dad will be in the choir. But I am not lonely because I am still going home tomorrow (hopefully not to too much nagging from my mother). There is a purpose to this waiting. Another lesson, idle thoughts and idle hands are really the devil's workshop. I won't care to elaborate.

I think I'm writing this down so there'll be a place I can come back to and remind myself later. Too many things can only be frozen in video or in a photo. Even memories decay and distort with emotion and time.

Second difficult lesson, let go when the time comes. I'm bad at endings. I still am, but I think I'm improving.

Another lesson, don't call, don't sms, don't bother. I'm one of those people who are relentless at endings. I have learnt to be otherwise. I was also clingy. I have learnt to be otherwise. And I have learnt to not read between the lines when it comes to the male gender. They mean what they say, or less than what I think. My brother says I should write about my life... but I think I would be too stereotype to be of any use to anyone save being commercially profitable (if anyone would want to read it!).

Time to get back to cleaning (the room is still dirty and the laundry is still in the living room) and wrapping presents (it's surprisingly very calming).

Here's a story for you. So this is Christmas and I missed my flight home. I'm spending Christmas Eve in vista like the noob that I am. Friday afternoon and repro is over. Everything is rosy and blur and I'm bloody tired due to the early morning hours mugging. I'm dying to sleep but I've got to buy presents. I walk MidValley again with Chris and Kah Heng and a bunch of others. I'm VERY bloody tired. We get back to vista to the party at Bryan's place. It is now 3.15 I get back upstairs to my bed. I set my alarm for 4.30 so that I can pack and leave by 5.45 for the airport to catch my Saturday 7.25am flight. I don't get up till Kah Heng calls me at 6am. There is a rush to pack and it is done in 10mins but we only leave at 6.30am. We get there at 7.04am. The gate is closed. I think I might have a chance at sneaking in but I have luggage to check-in but I say I can squeeze it into my handcarry. The Airasia counter lady says it's too late and I can't get past the gate at this rate. I rush to the sales counter... maybe I can buy a ticket back at a later time. Everything is fully booked but the night flight. But that one's too late. Brunei Airlines and MAS are booked. I am pwned. GG as dota people like to say.

So I am back home and I have booked a flight back for tomorrow at the same time. I will be 24hours late for dinner, give or take. I feel bad but I didn't want to miss the flight either. I should've gotten someone else to wake me up. Every time I leave for the airport it becomes a later and later time. I tested the limits of lateness. Today I have crossed the boundaries of being tardy. I have learnt another lesson... always too late. Again I have disappointed people... my dad, my brother and my mom. Sigh... the story of my life. I do wonder why I grew up this way since my parents are very meticulous when it comes down to things.

I shall be spending Christmas eve wrapping presents and cleaning my room. I don't quite mind. I do deserve it. I am now hungry. All this stress works up an appetite...

Another story to tell the kids... haha. I suppose living life on the edge keeps one on his/her toes. However in this case, I tripped, somersaulted and fell right off the precipice.

The singing elves ended with what we called an IMU X'mas Celebration (but that was last week. I'm bored of studying... haha!). We just wanted to make more money... Pretty good result since we didn't even sell anything remotely useful. I think we contributed to alot of people having more cavities. And due to Yon Xian's request for his picture on this blog, here's a picture of us both then and a few others.

He's the one with photo envy

Su Yuen and Me... might as well take a good photo with a good looking guy :P


Bryan's ad for our orange cordial drink

All the girls around, well in front, of the Christmas tree.

Santa Johan and Santa LiNa

I'm also sick... ugh... fever, flu, sore throat and all :P

Let me tell you about my day. I went shopping at MidValley. However, the usually therapeutic effects of squandering money on otherwise unrequired items was marred by the throng of people who insist on pushing and squashing themselves against everyone else. I still hate crowds. The first time I came to KL and to MidValley I was mortified by ant-like quantity of people walking the mall. I'm immune to having too many people around me now but it's still annoying.

Buying presents for people (albeit people whom you love) is stressful. First, ya gotta think of a meaningful gift (stressful as it is). Second, ya gotta find it (walking up and down and sideways MidValley is very tiring. Repeat walking back and forth a few more times and everything begins to hurt - feet from walking, hands from carrying the bags, back from standing for too long, eyes... brain). Third, ya gotta find it at a place that's not charging crazily expensive for the meaningful gift (Christmas shopping is hard on the wallet... :/).

Anyway, I got gifts for most of the people I wanna get gifts for, the remaining I'm getting just before the Christmas potluck on Friday after Repro exam and just before I fly home (YAY!).

Aside from the irritation I'm finding it strange that I'm getting a bout of... is it regret? or just a need for companionship? or another withdrawal symptom? Well whatever it is, I couldn't shake it off while shopping today. Suddenly I'd be overcome with an overwhelming need to reconcile, but that would never do. Maybe it was just spending too much time alone again. I read some time ago that being anti-social makes you stupid and sad, because they studied it in birds, but I think we know that already... the sad part anyway.

Back to the books! I can't wait for the holidays to start!

Don't leave...

But it's just not working...

It will be better...

No, it won't. It's just going to be the same, again and again. And we'll just go through the motions, until there's nothing left to say...

I think we're already there...

So, another time it is the end of the line. Why do sad endings happen by when it rains? Thunder and lightning fail so miserably to numb the deafening silence that ensues. Nothing else matters then. Even the rain is guilty of forgotten memories of a different past.

The walls turn a shade of blue I don't recognize, whilst split second moments rush by me like a broken tape in fast forward. The confusion envelops me so chokingly tight I cannot say a word. All the hopes, words, moments that I dreamed of, wanted to say, wanted to share, all dashed in that one flash of a disaster. And all I can think about is, 'What can I do to fix this?' even when my mind knows it is the unspeakable end. I grapple for any thing that could be done to turn the situation around, anything... but in my heightened state my heart tricks my tongue into blurting sentences that don't make sense. A reason becomes an excuse. Love becomes manipulation. (No, no... love doesn't exist... not just now anyway)

In all this, I only wish the ends were silent during, not after because no reasons, no excuses, no explanations can move someone just then. If only, if only... those words ring throughout the nights that follow. The incessant repetitions of particular mistakes and remakes of them serve only to plague the mind into hoping that one day, a rewind, erase and replay button to life might be made. Oh yes, if only... if only words said could remain true forever, talk being so cheap nowdays...

My demons have become quiet now. Sometimes I like to revisit them because even they keep me company at night.


Just finished another glorious two or so hours at the cinema! This time we couldn't watch 'Narnia' so it was 'Perhaps Love'! Haha. For those who don't bother when coming across Mandarin musicals, here's a good one! :P Well, pretty good one anyway. I'm almost a complete banana so most of the talk/songs were lost in translation but the english subscripts were sufficient to get me crying halfway through the movie. And I realize I understand Mandarin less than Cantonese which is strange since I always thought I could speak more Mandarin. The dance scenes weren't all that great but the director did try his best with the camera angles to hide the lower budget backdrops. Hehe. It's no Moulin Rouge, that's for sure.

Overall movie rating : Good cry kinda movie. Don't bring guy friend along unless he enjoys wussy romance movies too. I wouldn't mind watching it again, but it still doesn't beat 'City of Glass'.

At the end of the movie, all I could hear in my head was 'there's no such thing as love'. (sigh... I'm beginning to believe that... getting more and more pragmatic as the days go by).

Oh yes before I forget, Takeshi Kaneshiro is H.O.T. I suppose I might as well fantasize since a bloody rich, freaking good-looking and kind fella (refer to friendster for more information) doesn't exist at the moment.

Isn't it strange how all those times that hit you right in the stomach always happen when you least expect? And how all those things you expect to happen don't? It's just that I've just watched 'Alfie' and it's a great movie for an afternoon when one feels like going on a rollercoaster ride, just like 'Closer'. The singing elves thing is finally over and it's time to hit the books, which gives me time to lepak and think (oh no!). I'm thinking about all those nights when I thought, 'I can't believe this is happening.' Each moment becomes so surreal, it feels so much like the movies. And from the second the demolishing ball is rolling, everything goes downhill and there's nothing you can do to stop it. No words, no action that can move. It's such a waste when you know you had just the thing you wanted going, but it was the wrong time, the wrong place, the right person? All those times someone should've said or done something else.

Timing. Sigh...

I'm feeling a little confused today. Not exactly happy but not exactly sad though...

Feelings are such elusive things. They just love creeping up on you. Suddenly I'm gripped by this strong desire to stop trying, for no darn reason. Maybe because it's because it's Christmas time again. I never understood how it could be the loneliest time of the year until I realized the possibility of having to spend it without anyone you love by your side.

Nothing's wrong. I'm just in a funny mood today.

Helloooooo... I'm just back from Bryan's 21st drinking birthday party. Food was scarce but drink was abundant, another time the room is spinning, but not so for me.

Absolut absolut kurrrrant, Baileys is Irish Cream, sometimes I think maybe it's time to be a little less guarded... but people are conservative as a whole. I need this high, to forget for a while, that maybe a break is all I need to remember I am me.

But I'm just not there, and staring up at the ceiling while everyone is getting ready to leave, I think maybe I'm just a little disappointed. Cup after cup, I'm beginning to think it feels more like an unsatisfying time in bed. Foreplay is important boys, don't forget that.

I know I am ready to plant another seed. My subconscious reminds me everyday I am ready, ready to move into another space... but... no one. There is no one I want to love. Sigh...

But I am glad Bryan had a good party, the drinking games were 'fun'... (grrr!) hee hee... Just another hit from the drink emo demon.

Someone come save me please.

Friday night was a great... hee hee... ;) I got to be in three performances which was really tiring to practise for but was well worth the effort. I'm completely grateful for practises with the mic before singing in front of the whole lot of people, otherwise I think I would've definitely froze, not because of the crowd but because I worry I sound weird or am out of tune... (but then again I bet I went off here and there sometimes. Good thing the rest of the group can accommodate. Haha!). The only downside is falling on my bum outside the audi in my ninja outfit because I was doing a windrun towards Fraser in my high heels in a bid to slice his head off with my sword but only succeeding in embarrassing myself by slipping on the wet floor. The bruise on my left hip still hurts. And the Shuriken Shadow Kung Fu dance got pushed to the last performance which was sucky because we didn't get the chance to be voted for an encore :P Ultramen got that... they were really funny :)

It's nice being on stage. There's a whole crowd paying attention to you and expecting a good performance. Doing an acapella and actually singing the melody was a new thing for me. I'd done so many dances I thought I'd try singing this time. I know I'm no super powerful singer but I think I get by :) I was worried I'd mess up with the opening when I was singing a line by myself or worse start in the wrong key but luckily I didn't do either of those very bad things :)))) It's always a nice feeling when a crowd cheers for you (however, whether it's due sheer appreciation for the job well done or obligatory sympathy applause :/ is a different story altogether)

On a totally different note, here are some photos, mostly for the benefit of my brother and my best friend, whom I shall be seeing again when I get back for Christmas :) Hopefully they still read this blog.

Diwali Night - Bry looked really nice in that thing he was wearing

Halloween party - Japanese School Girl outfit (Grrr! Hehe!) and that's Li Na in the back, she was a gypsy

Spawn and LeStat at 7Eleven - I did Bryan's one eye, I can't remember which one but I assume the better looking side :P

The scramble for money has begun. The singing elves booth is up and running and we're calling everyone possible to give us money, or products for door-gifts, anything! Haha. The budget is also coming into shape but it's a little bit all over the place because people can't exactly give us a number for each of their needs to make more money. Stress, stress :P Hopefully we'll be able to get the Santa's costume for free... otherwise it's to that Hartamas costume shop that everyone seems to be talking about we go, and I doubt it will come cheap.

In about 30mins I'll again be practising for the acapella thingie... so many things, so little time. Sometimes I do wish I could be in two places at once.

It's excellent that I'm so busy nowadays there's hardly any time left for me to sulk over losing anything. It's touch and go... do this, YES! it's done, do that... hmmm... more problems... solve problems... yep... life is good. The acapella group (we've decided on the name 'Altered Cleft'. Just typing it has made me realize how spastic it potentially is... sigh... oh well... no one could come up with anything better... at least it isn't Amelia and Friends... since she's not in the performance anymore... Haha...) is coming together nicely and we don't sound as messy without Amelia playing her violin, which is a shame (Amelia not playing violin that is) because I like the violin sounds... I do wish I'd taken up the instrument before. Anyway, the ultra secret Ninja Shadow dance by the 'Shurikens' is also coming along really well although we've still got to get more practice done before Friday so we can attempt to look somewhat synchronized and impressive. Then there's the Friday night opening dance that seems to be all over the place still because it's one of those flowing kind of things and it's to that song from 'Phantom of the Opera' which is definitely not an easy thing to count to.

The IMU Ball publicity outline is done... which is good... but I worry we won't look classy enough... We haven't got no super flash or adobe savvy people in our batch. We're using word for our first poster but then again it's just the singing elves. At least it's better than nothing.We're also adding a new 'IMU Christmas Celebration' event. People can vote for their 'Santa' and get them to dress up and perform on stage on that day. I thought it was a really good idea. Hopefully we'll earn... hee hee... it feels so much more like a business than organizing a ball.

WHY ARE HOTELS SO EXPENSIVE!! We want Mandarin Oriental, but it's freaking expensive!! And I also don't like the menu they had for the lowest cost per pax. Ah well...

And I'm glad that I've finally paid all my bills and am again coming online from home :)

These days the sun seems brighter and I'm not as easily tired out. I'm glad...

Today I decided it was time I get my act together and finish paying my internet bills. But Fate has a different agenda. Haha, so dramatic for no reason whatsoever. Maybank2U says their service is currently not available and Airasia says there appears to be a congestion of some sort in datalines causing the error in systems communication. And after trying for a few minutes I've decided it's time to skip lecture and go home before it's time for a meeting with the funding subcommittee and practises for the ninja shadow dance and the very bad acapella group... we had our first practice with the mic today. It was horrible. I think I croaked into the mic and some of us are too loud or too soft, and I suddenly realize I've got a problem with stage fright when I'm singing... haha... no matter, we'll just have to deal with that tonight when we practise in audi... It really is strange because suddenly my voice goes all shakey and I can't control anything. Now I understand why people forget their lyrics. Haha... cause I did :P

The ball is coming again... stress stress... what theme? what catchy tagline? how to beat 'I'm going to the ball. Are You?' Haha... sigh... I suppose I'll just have to sleep on that while I think about how I'm going to choreograph the opening dance for Friday night that's supposed to be rehearsed on Monday morning, that I haven't done yet let alone gotten people to practise it. At least the crusAIDerS thing is going to be over soon... then there's the silly dance I wanna do with 4 other people for Friday night too... so many things, so little time...

Here's a funny story. I went to audi on time and the lecturer was already there. I thought, 'Hey, I need to pee... I should go now instead of during the lecture,' and so I went. Less than 3 minutes later (I pee very quickly) I am out of the toilet and at the door. I turn the knob only to find it is locked. I see Norizan (I don't know how to spell her name) walking towards me with the same bewildered look. We have both been locked out because even the front door is locked. I jiggle the lock once more and we confirm... 'We have been locked out.' I am standing outside audi without my file, wallet and phone. I am helpless. Bryan and Jin Aun come along and we are a happy foursome standing outside audi, complaining. An insider is contacted... the lecturer will not allow anyone to let anyone else in. So, here I am. Haha. Just as well, I wasn't going to pay attention anyway.

I thought Diwali night went down really well. I didn't get to wear really nice Indian costumes for any of the dances I took part in but I thought the quality of performances this year was a lot better. My ching-ching belly dance belt is now lying around in my room already collecting dust. I don't know when I'll use it again. Haha... oops... I can think of a when... but... sigh... }:P And as always Kampung was excellently tiring but loads of fun even though this time we only danced for a while.

I've been so busy these days that I hardly have time to stop and think about how I'm feeling. I think that's a good thing in a lot of ways. Females spend too much time being in tune with their feelings. I think I have way too many mood swings when I have too much time to myself. It's such a waste of time that could be spent doing something that makes me happy.

I was going through my mail from a long time ago. It's funny how so many things said before can now mean nothing. The heartache still stands but it is dulled by time and I can only remember the most vivid memories. A certain look at a certain moment, a scent, a laugh, a sigh, a touch, a certain phrase I just cannot forget, the silence... I am training my thoughts like a dog. It feels so much like an addiction.

I dyed my hair again. At first it was supposed to be 'Mocha Red'. It turned out to be orangey-yellow and I told Ling Wei to make my roots brighter. They turned out brighter alright... but the wrong shade of bright and only the top was visibly dyed. So, I bought another 2 packs of red and got Racine and Amelia to do it. At least this time the colour doesn't clash with my skin and make me look like a Japanese schoolgirl on vacation. There was some left so I dyed a lock of Amelia's hair red too. Now she's lopsidedly red but it's a nice colour.

Messing with hair at Bryan's place. It was a cheapskate birthday party for about 4 people... I think... I don't really know.


This is what Hai Fon looks like when he's happy on tequila, cointreau and other liquids

Still at Bryan's place. We had BBQ food and badly mixed margaritas


Group photo... still Bryan's place


Wear Any Jersey Potluck party

I think everyone was pretty happy with the food :)

The food before us barbarians dug in

My very sexy red whistle... I was completely voiceless... sigh... head cheerleader with no voice.


I was glad cheerleading was finally over... dunno bout Fraser though... hehe.

More cheerleading photos... at least the pom-poms were nice and fat.


I thought the guys did their best despite not being good dancers. I love my sexy whistle


After the dance competition... we got 2nd... there were only 3 teams... haha.


At Redang... sigh... lazy afternoons by the beach :)


I thought I had better pictures to put up but it seems they are all in Amelia's laptop. I shall be stealing more pictures soon. Mass birthday party and Drunken 'Wear Any Jersey' Halloween party pictures will be up soon...

The practises for Diwali night are finally coming to an end, last chance for rehearsal will be tonight. Tomorrow we'll be in our belly-dancing belts and ching ching bangles for everyone to see. Hopefully no one will make a fool of themselves since this is a mix hip-hop thing and fumbling and being unsynchronized seems to come as easily as pie to everyone in a group dancing just that. I like the money sounds the belt makes... come to Diwali night people, if you can... it's tomorrow, the 25th of Nov!

Hello dear readers of my blog :)

There was a potluck 'please wear any jersey' party at my place last night, and it was great! I got to wear my basketball jersey! (although I seemed completely sapped from making my lasagna). Yes, I made lasagna! However, I don't have any pictures of it. But then again, it doesn't matter because it did look like crap. I didn't have an oven so I had to microwave the thing 15min at a time because the baking tray was too big for the microwave so it couldn't turn... and only after an hour did someone tell me I'm not supposed to put metal things in the appliance. (oops...) I made a little veggie lasagna for Gowri, but burnt the top in Hai Fon's toaster oven. All in all, my efforts were not exactly a failure because even though it looked like crap, both the little and big lasagnas didn't taste too bad. Oh, I also made chicken soup... which is still sitting on the stove right now. It tasted like bakuteh for some reason. I even bought a claypot for it.

Everyone else brought-

Ling Wei - Mushroom Soup
Brandon - made fried oyster mushrooms and garlic bread for the soup
Chris - sweet and sour fish
Amelia - fruit (you can't go wrong with those... hee hee)
Hai Fon - asked Amelia to buy drinks for him for the party and claimed praise for coke and rootbeer but not for 7up ice, and kept reminding people he brought the toaster.
Jebbrine - fried mee hoon in KFC spiderman tubs... those are still in my fridge too.
Gowri - some pastry thing that was nice and trifle... I have know idea how to spell the dessert thing with custard and jelly
Kah Heng - potato cheese jap mayonaise corn beef thing. It was nice but the potato part could give us all hypertension... SALTY!
Li Na - fried chicken balls and crab sticks fried till they were crispy... but they got cold so weren't very crispy by the time she got to my place.
Van Ren - more fruits
Michelle - nuggets and sausages.
Racine and Yon Xian - brought themselves. Racine's excused cause she did just come back from jb but Yon Xian... tsk tsk... at least he wore his jersey as instructed.
Daniel - last minute addition

I hope I didn't forget anyone...

So, my fridge is full of leftovers with no place for anything else, and I'm getting hungry... Next event : clubbing tonight!

:)

this is a good week.

often it is the only

thing

between you and

impossibility.

no drink,

no woman's love,

no wealth

can

match it.

nothing can save

you

except

writing.

it keeps the walls

from

failing.

the hordes from

closing in.

it blasts the

darkness.

writing is the

ultimate

psychiatrist,

the kindliest

god of all the

gods.

writing stalks

death.

it knows no

quit.

and writing

laughs

at itself,

at pain.

it is the last

expectation,

the last

explanation.

that's

what it

is.

Smoke

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

The days are getting very boring and repetitive. Last night I went out with Van Ren, Lina, Amelia, Hai Fon and Kah Heng and we spent the night (or more like 3 hours) in Hartamas wasting money on salty fried mushrooms, some spicy shelled worm thingy, ice-cream and waffles and shisha... however that's spelt. We blew smoke into our cups and laughed at Lina every time she coughed up after a taking a wiff from the shisha thingamajig. I tried blowing smoke rings but failed miserably. We each tried counting to ten while exhaling smoke and found out it was easier said than done. I started blowing smoke out of a straw. Amelia had her first try of shisha and stoned. Then we played a round of pool because Breakers was closing and we went home. And Lina the sly conned me into wearing my tiny skirt out and no one besides her was wearing one :P Sigh... the things we do to fill our time, not that it wasn't fun.

Hai Fon, Bran and the rest just left for Genting. I decided not to go so I could help my dear brother with his extended essay and Genting ain't really fun anyway, unless you've got loads of money to spend but that goes for anywhere... However, I can't get into my Google inbox so... I'm thinking I might have to postpone helping with the evaluation part of his essay till tomorrow... ugh... :P The days are so mundane my brain has gone on a temporary winter break. It's strange not to feel sad or happy and even mildly irritated... (besides the occasional hypoglycaemic irritation I get when I'm hungry and no one can decide on a place to eat but would rather not eat at the place currently suggested. What's up with that?!). I've gone to the cinema enough times to not want to go for a while and there aren't enough movies to go around visiting the cinema 3 to 4 times a week.

I should go visit my grandparents in Kulai during the Hari Raya Break... maybe I'll give them a call later.

The 'Singles Challenge' is holding up and I'm thinking alot more before embarking on adventures that would otherwise complicate my current simple circumstances. Too often I'm in need of chaos which has been the root of all my troubles. I don't need another adventure just at the moment... Just a little quiet and peace.

Let me not forget my mistakes, lest I fall prey to their bony fingers again.

Update

Posted by Marilyn comments (2)

Nothing very philosophical or even remotely smart to blog about these days. Friday's done and gone and the endocrine summative was a disaster... it might be an easy system but it sure was really easy for me to mix things up in my head. Hopefully I didn't fumble so much as to fall into the abyss of FAILURE! :P ... on to greener pastures...

It's rotations time now and everyone's in holiday mode again after the 4 weeks of endocrine. It's strange to be having holidays so soon after our really long break after sem 3, but I'm not complaining. I spent the day being Racine's and Yon Xian's lamp post until Kah Heng turned up at Midvalley which was fortunate. At least I wasn't the only one shining brightly. And now I'm here... at the cyber cafe amidst the empty shells playing dota endless with the dim light and deafening booms of virtual characters in their dying plight to kill other virtual characters. I'm killing my eyes and my ears while I type this... oh joy...

Tomorrow will be another day of glorious lepaking but it's been planned that Rac and I will be going to gym at 11 and then I shall be teaching a bunch of people what I learnt at my elective (which is a mixture of tai chi, yoga and pilates to some music) and then finally maybe a bout of free kickboxing at some Hartamas place Kah Heng goes too with Rac and probably Yon Xian if he can put his ego aside for an hour or so. Hehe! So yep... nothing new... still trying to be a better person... working on that... :)

NO VOICE!

Posted by Marilyn comments (4)

I woke up in a really good mood this morning... and for some silly reason I woke up at 8.30am when I didn't need to. Too much waking up early in the morning to drag people through cheerleading practice. I felt like making someone extra happy today... but I've got no voice for that... maybe I should make a smiley face sign... hahah... right...

Finally cheerleading is over. We didn't win obviously from the lack of practise and the un-synchronizational skills. I boffed up a bunch of steps and I saw some others getting lost like sheep during the routine. (Haha!) But I think we did a pretty good job with the two weeks that we had. And the guys did come through with the carrying and all that. Definitely better than last year! I had my sexy red whistle with me... since I lost my voice and got sick during the process of screaming at the team to get into formation and repeat and formation and repeat and formation... I didn't lose my temper like I did last year which was excellent and I didn't stress so much I had to go home and cry, which was double plus good. However I still skipped lectures to go home and sleep... hee hee... the usual IMU Cup fever. At least the girls volleyball team for my batch got silver... so that's a silver medal for my shelf :)

Yep... nothing else to report... besides me finally getting back to normal life. IMU Cup definitely ain't normal life. No more skipping lectures for me... endocrine next week and I haven't started studying anything... haha... but what's new?

Hello world! I'm back in KL again and missing my brother and best friend and of course my parents... and that's in no particular order. So it's back to the hectic life of IMU Cup and cheerleading and most of the games that include the word 'ball' in them. I haven't been up to logging on from home since it requires me to turn on the laptop and bla bla bla and by the time I am finally home I'm usually pooped from this or that practice. I suppose I am kinda glad that it's only going to be 2 weeks with this crazy schedule. My head's in a little bit of a swirl since there's cheerleading uniforms to work around cause there's now no time for a tailor-made set and the girls don't want to spend too much on it anyway and not everyone is happy with the design and no one is coming to any sort of compromise and not everyone can make cheerleading practises which are heavily mind and body taxing. Surprisingly though I'm not exactly stressed by all this, which is a good thing too... I did have a whole month and 2 weeks to do nothing. Haha.

The tiger prawns, chicken and fish my mom packed for me are still in the fridge and I am yet to cook them. It seems like there's not enough energy to cook when I'm finally home at a time when I just want to shower and sleep but still am hungry, then again I am such a bum when it comes to feeding myself. Must get to that before the end of this week.

No time for gym either... hmmm... I suppose all the sports will have to make up for it.

Oh, and the flight back was uneventful. Nothing interesting happened besides bumping into a batchmate who lives in Miri coming to KL on the same flight. At least there was someone to talk to on the boring flight while I wrote out the cheerleading formations so everyone knows where they're supposed to be in whatever part of a song. I'm also glad I did up the songs with simple moves... just hope everyone counts correctly. At the moment it still looks like some people can't catch the counting just yet. Less than two weeks to go before the end of IMU Cup and the cheerleading event... YIKES!

Yep... I'm glad to be back (I actually had a little moment of happiness the night I got back... so strange).

And much thanks to Kah Heng, Hyphon and Amelia for getting me from the airport :)

Just got home from a whole afternoon of gym, banana leaf rice dinner and the Brothers Grimm. Finally getting back to gym was excellent but a little disorientating since all the equipment is different and the exercise balls they have suck. Ling Tze and I did our own Pilates-Yoga session after working out (or rather after trying to work out after reading the instructions for the machines) then went into the steam bath room and then the sauna. That was my first time in a steam bath. It feels just like I'm being broiled alive. Haha! And that was my second time in a sauna... I still don't get why it's supposed to be relaxing... It's just really hot, but it is fun to pour water over the rocks and hear them sizzle. I'm amused easily, yes.

Dinner was okay. I'm still not used to having spicy food. I don't think I'll ever be.

The movie was better than expected. However, Ling Tze thought it was freakishly disgustingly scary because all of the movie included fairy tales that are supposed to end happily ever after and since they are in books and she's read about them before they become all the more real. She was frightened by most of the movie... especially when the glob of a gingerbread man came out of the well and stole the little girl's face who was trying to draw water, finally engulfing her altogether. I thought the glob was cute... he looked alot like the marshmallow man from ghostbusters. Haha!

Yep... a good day spent. I think I dread going back to KL less now. Passing phases.

After countless snoozes and a phone call, I am finally awake. I remember another dream. It's not exactly strange but I like to recall dreams when I can since I don't remember many.

This one had me and my family at some sort of resort. But it didn't really look like one. I just knew it was. We were having a good time when suddenly there's a chocolate shortage and that's why the electricity will go out because the chocolate dependent generator that also doubles as a chocolate figurines maker is going to go bust. So my brother is trying to fix the problem but can't since there isn't anymore chocolate. I have to give up my one and only favourite chocolate figurine that I keep locked up in my safe because the last chocolate figurine that the generator made is more caramel than chocolate and that same chocolate has been running through the machine too many times. I had to save the day!


Suddenly I'm sitting at a table with Racine and we're berboraking but I see a very large beach snake (that's what I was thinking in my dream, since we were sitting by the sea under a very big coconut tree) coming toward us. I tell her to stand on her chair to prevent from being bitten. I do the same but cannot seem to stand still thus attracting a whole lot of beach snake attention. It first tries to bite my butt, misses but catches my hand instead. There I am screaming in pain but not feeling it (it's a strange feeling really) and I go running to my father. On my way to my dad I bump into the very able chef (who is supposed to be very good with killing beach snakes, especially the kind that's stuck to my hand) but he doesn't help me, just stares at me and the snake hanging from my hand. My brother sees me but is still very busy with the chocolate generator thingy however has time to stop to say, "That's a pygmy python!" As if I really needed to know that... In the end I cannot find my dad so I try to remove the offensive snake by myself. After trying many times and getting rebitten in dozens of places on my arm I am able to remove it with the help of the housekeeping lady who brought a green bag (green again...). So now I am trying to bring the snake to a zoo so it doesn't hurt anyone anymore and I'm getting into the car but the snake breaks lose one last time and catches a hold of my very bloody arm... my dad pops up with the camera and goes "OK, take photo, take photo! Faster, faster" but nothing happens because the camera's run out of battery. I am then thinking, why does this always happen to me? (as if a snake has bitten me before... I've never been bitten). Then my alarm goes off...

By the way, Marilyn v7.0 is up and running! I woke up this morning feeling very mended. I tested all my chinks and pried at some of my wounds and I'm fine! Unbreaking process completed! 100% healed! WooHOO! And I'm off to the gym now. Hehe! I know it's going to be a good day today.

I'm so bored I've become one of those people who go to cafes to surf the net on the free wireless network the place provides, who orders a cheap drink because I have to and not because I need a drink (although I did want drinking chocolate). It's not the drink I'm here for obviously. It's actually quite an improvement from being bored at home. I'm here alone but I never mind going out on my own. I don't know why... even though people always think I deserve piteous sounds when I tell them that I am going out alone. I like alone time really. It gives me time to think. At the moment I'm not in a very contemplative mood but then again typing at a computer in a cafe I haven't been to for half a year does bring back some old memories... mostly nice happy memories... like playing 'Pictionary" with Alwin, Steven and Tyng ;) that was a good waste of an afternoon when no one knew what else would constitute fun.

I'm getting older... ugh... My parents are in Singapore but I'm so bland I don't go out nights (then again there's no one to go out with during that time of night, not that there's somewhere to go in Brunei after 11). They tell me not to go out late and I don't... I'd really have jumped at the chance to skip the curfew since they're not here but I don't this time. There isn't even the urge to go out. I've become bland. Oh, what happened to the girl who broke the photocopy machine while trying to photocopy her butt? I need to relight my fire... haha... it sounds so much as if I need to rekindle a dying relationship.

Marilyn version 7.0 coming up. A little tougher, a little smarter, a little happier... I'm gaining weight... means I'm getting happier. Haha. Or just been bingeing too much. Still trying to get used to really being alone. I need to go back to the gym again. Better stop before I start babbling. I guess I don't feel like thinking. Not feeling very smart today. Sounds like a setback in the Marilyn v7.0 project ;P

Tomorrow, tomorrow... everything will be better.

I spent most of today sleeping on the couch with the TV on and now I can't sleep. Then again I'm not even trying to sleep. My brain is tired from fighting with myself and all I really want to do is leave this place (funny since I'm whining about having to leave it too... humans... sigh). But there's no one to leave it with so I'm back to the drawing board with a vengence. I've exhausted the remote control for what it can give me and that still leaves much to be desired. I don't think I've held more than 10 min worth of proper conversation for the whole day. It's starting to get as if I'm back in vista... NOOO!!! Blah!

So I get online at 5 in the morning when my brother is snoring away happily (or what appears to be happy snoring to me at this time of morning) in his comfortable bed. There's no one I want to chat to online so I'm stuck with surfing. I click around i-am-bored.com for a bit but cannot find entertainment. Then I begin to wonder what it might feel like to have an acid trip, not that I was planning on trying it. You know, just about the psychadelic this and that. I type 'tripping acid dreams' into google.

After clicking around for a bit I come across this site,

http://growabrain.typepad.com/growabrain/drugs_lsd/.

It appears to be some guy's blog on a whole lot of other things besides LSD but it doesn't really have real words in it... just a bunch of links and things. If you're bored like I am, anything can be a reprieve. The following two links from that guys page seems to be interesting - 'Visual Overdose, Energisers and other Crazy Images from Eyvind Almquist of Virtual-Exp Psy and Java-Fuxation and many other trippy voyages from Entropy8zuper, the people who brought us Venus Trap'.

Yep, so if you're bored click on something on that page. The 'Dreams' collection seems quite possibly boredom busting-able too.

And since I was bored I also looked up some of the things that were in my dream. The coloured bits are what applied to me.

For the word EMBRACE - Dreaming that you are embracing your lover, foretells of quarrels, disagreements, and accusations arising from infidelity. Dreaming that you embrace a stranger means of an unwelcome guest. Dreaming that you are embracing relatives means their sickness and unhappiness.

For the word MOUNTAIN - Seeing mountains in your dream means many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. If you are on top of the mountain, then it means that you have achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains indicates a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth. Dreaming that you are climbing a mountain means your determination and ambition. Dreaming that you fall off a mountain, suggests that you are in a hurry to succeed without thoroughly thinking about your path to success. It also means that you have a tendency to give up or escape from demanding situations.

For the word ROAD - Seeing a road in your dream indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. Seeing a winding, curvy, or bumpy road in your dream, suggests that you will experience many obstacles and setbacks in achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the darker or more frightening choices which you have made or are making. Seeing a smooth road bordered by green trees and flowers indicates a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going according as planned. Seeing an unknown road in your dream means that you new project will cause more grief than it is worth and a waste of time. Dreaming that a threatening creature is on a road, parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear.

For the word CAR - Dreaming that you are driving a car means your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life. Dreaming that your car is overheating, suggests that you are expending too much energy and need to slow down or run the risk of becoming burnt out. You may be taking on more than you can handle. It is time to take a breather. Seeing a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. Dreaming that you are almost hit by a car, suggests that your lifestyle, beliefs or goals may be in conflict with another's. It may also be symbolic of a jolting experience or injured pride. Dreaming that you are unable to roll up the windows of your car, suggests that you are showing some hesitation and reservation about the direction that you are taking in life or the path that you have chosen.

For the word LESBIAN - Dreaming that you are a lesbian (but you are not in your waking life) means a union with aspects of yourself. It is symbolic of self-love, self-acceptance, and passion. You are comfortable with your sexuality and femininity. If, in your dream you abhor the notion of lesbianism, then it represents your fears and rejection of parts of your own sexuality. If you are a lesbian in your waking life, then the dream is simply a reflection of your own self. (so I guess dreaming about being a lesbian when you're not is a good thing. Haha!)

For the word T-SHIRT - Seeing or wearing a T-shirt in your dream, suggests that you need to take it easy and relax. (but what if it's a green t-shirt?)

I think I'll go to sleep now. Finally.

I wanted to blog about this before but completely forgot about it until tonight. I'm so bored I think my brain is melting and oozing out my ears while I rot like the couchpotato that I am.

I never thought I was even a little homophobic until I met this girl the other day. She's bi and that's fine by me but I realized that I am extremely straight when I finally found out. It's not like she introduced herself as bi but ya... haha... I found out. I was a little more dressed up that night since my friends and I were going out and she needed a ride home. So we were sending her home and I was in the back seat with her. I had just found out and at first I thought, "So what? Peoples' sexual identities are their own business. I don't care about that." But the thing was, when she got into the car I did care! And she turned to look at me full on and went, "You look very nice today!" and a few other things (I felt quite uncomfortable being checked out by another girl). I thanked her for the compliment, somewhat hesitantly since it was my first time getting looked over by a girl (maybe I was being overly sensitive... but I usually don't get the wrong signals... even when it's from another girl... I guess. Haha!).

I always wondered what it was like to be with a girl, and always thought that maybe I am bi too... (thought it was maybe a deep dark fetish I never knew about). haha... I don't have to wonder anymore! And I didn't even need to try it out either, which is excellent, because it would've been quite embarrassing for all parties since I'd run out of the room regretting even wanting to try it. Ugh... *SHIVERS*!

Now I think I understand how a guy feels when he meets a gay fellow who appears to be showing some sort of 'interest'. I wouldn't say I was apprehensive but I definitely wasn't comfortable. I think I would've been fine if she didn't check me out like that (then again I'd be uncomfortable too if some guy checked me out like that). I think I wouldn't mind having her as a friend but it's a little freaky when she seems to be showing more than just friendly interest. Haha! Ah well. Gotta learn to accept everyone.

My brother just woke me up from my first dream in a long time. It wasn't the best dream to have but I didn't want to wake up. I'm not sure if I'm sad or just a little disorientated from being woken up to help him moves cars. It was one of those weird dreams that don't make sense but make sense because it contains all the bits of my life that I'm afraid to face. Already the fragments are dissolving into thin air as I type this. I only remember the bits that I don't want to type about. Sigh. I didn't think I'd really be fighting shadow demons in my sleep... it was just a figure of speak... oh well...

My dream had a lot of cars in it... a lot of different people I haven't seen in ages... and a lot of people I don't remember or don't think I even know. And at the end, before my brother woke me up I was in a car going up a mountain road (It was a kancil... I think I do miss KL... but just don't know it. It looks just like Jebbrine's but she wasn't driving it). But I wanted the driver to stop for people I loved. I even tried jumping out of the car... but she didn't stop. So all of them people I loved had to rough it out walking/running/complaining to the top of the very big mountain... on which seemingly stood a very important grey building that we had to make our way to no matter what (and I don't know why the driver didn't stop for the rest... she was supposed to. She kept driving on as if she couldn't hear me). Just before that scene I was lying in someone's arms thinking how we don't have a future and then getting on the mountain road together but he walked off faster so he was ahead of me, that was why I got into the car. Sigh... even in my dreams it happens. I should learn how to vivid dream. I was only able to control what was happening in my dream only once in my life. Now THAT was interesting. Haha.

Every time I tell people I dream in colour but that the people don't usually have faces they think it's freaky. I guess it would be if I didn't know who these people were in my dream (for some reason I just know who they are everytime and if they are supposed to have a different face from what it is in real life I know too but I can't make out the dream features this fellow got as a face in my dream. Go figure... then again dreams aren't supposed to make perfect sense). But the thing is I don't remember very much what they look like in the dream anyway... most of the time the dream frame is like it is on the tube... it catches only certain angles of other people and most of the time the angle is that of a side of the face or a body part or the body without the head like on Cow and Chicken. Yeah... still freaky I know but I don't dream much anyway. However, I remember silly details in dreams like clothes or shoes or even car type. Haha...

I'm feeling better. Maybe I'll go back to sleep, or have breakfast now. It's too early in the morning to feel down.

I dream in colour but I don't dream in faces. I dreamt of your green shirt but I dreamt of your face too this morning.

I won my battle with the shadow demon this time. It will be too soon before it comes to plague me again. Interestingly it was being a sloth that kept me afloat. I'm too lazy even to feel upset. Haha. Being happy is still easier on the nerves and is definitely a less tiring job to keep up. It's the getting here that's tough.

I was watching 'Girl, Interrupted' again the other day. Borderline Personality Disorder. I think everyone has that one time or another. Not me today. I think.

The sun came out. Everything smells clean... and new.

I watched 'Wicker Park' the other day too. That's another good movie. Like 'Single White Female' only no one dying. To be so in love...

Still broken... in the process of mending :)

It's a rainy morning and I woke up to the sound of pitter-patter on my window. I like the sound of raindrops on a roof. It's nice to sleep in on a morning like this. One of those things that makes me feel contented and luxuriously lazy.

BUT,

I:

- Couldn't sleep anymore.

- Was fighting another personal demon in my sleep.

The shadow kind that my mind conjures and just won't die with a stake through the heart

And the kind that stays for breakfast.


SO,

I:

- Am tired even before the day begins.

- Am fighting shadow demons in broad daylight.

And going to have breakfast in a few minutes

Even a shadow demon might make good company.

Progress!

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

Since I've been back I've felt better about myself than I have since everything went downhill when I was in KL. I can't say I am completely out of rehab but I'm getting there. Falling out of love is painful alright. I think I had the cushion of needing to concentrate on other things more important at that time to keep me off the real pain of separation. Blogging has also been therapeutic, and so has going to the gym and spending more time with my friends. A mix of endorphins, good company and concrete self-will got me through this without going insane. I assumed after everything important got out of the way that I'd grief for another ending (and cry my eyes out. Generally being a sulky post-break-up person) but I surprised even myself when I picked myself up faster than I've ever done before. Usually I'm the kind who'll sit in a corner to wallow in self-pity and create more scenarios to plague my already weary mind and heart (the kind that replays and replays with all sorts of different endings... what if I'd done this? or said that? would it have been different? bla bla bla... that happens to make me sick too. Why did I torture myself like that?). The most crucial lesson I learnt from all my endings was that the worse will always pass, but before that happened I'd have to sit tight, grit my teeth and ride the waves. I can't remember if I've said that before. Something tells me I have. I guess after enough times I've learnt that it's better to sit back and take the hits instead of fight. It makes the rough riding so much easier. And that to love is always easier than to hate. Sigh. I always learn too late. I'm hoping one day I'll learn before it's too late and probably save from hurting another person and then the pieces of THE puzzle will fall into place. Until then... sigh...

Since I'm on the topic of progress... I got weighed again today at the gym and so did Ling Tze. She lost a little weight and lost a lot on her fat %, like 10%!! I gained 0.6kg (haha... quite good since I've been bingeing like crazy) and lost about 6% fat... MUAHAHA!! But then again, we did go to the gym religiously for a whole month. I am now officially more muscle than fat (20.2% fat as a matter of fact) compared to when I got back a month ago (which was about 26%). I feel good. Hehe. According to the scale thingy that measured our weights and body this-and-that percentages, I have an 'athletic' body type... WAH... haha. Yeah RIGHT I'm thinking. Still no defined abs though :( the only boo-boo in this whole paragraph.

I hope I can keep this up when I'm back in KL. It would suck to let this go. I like me more now.

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