Random Thought Bubbles

Ramblings on of someone still finding the way

My very sexy red whistle... I was completely voiceless... sigh... head cheerleader with no voice.


I was glad cheerleading was finally over... dunno bout Fraser though... hehe.

More cheerleading photos... at least the pom-poms were nice and fat.


I thought the guys did their best despite not being good dancers. I love my sexy whistle


After the dance competition... we got 2nd... there were only 3 teams... haha.


At Redang... sigh... lazy afternoons by the beach :)


I thought I had better pictures to put up but it seems they are all in Amelia's laptop. I shall be stealing more pictures soon. Mass birthday party and Drunken 'Wear Any Jersey' Halloween party pictures will be up soon...

The practises for Diwali night are finally coming to an end, last chance for rehearsal will be tonight. Tomorrow we'll be in our belly-dancing belts and ching ching bangles for everyone to see. Hopefully no one will make a fool of themselves since this is a mix hip-hop thing and fumbling and being unsynchronized seems to come as easily as pie to everyone in a group dancing just that. I like the money sounds the belt makes... come to Diwali night people, if you can... it's tomorrow, the 25th of Nov!

Hello dear readers of my blog :)

There was a potluck 'please wear any jersey' party at my place last night, and it was great! I got to wear my basketball jersey! (although I seemed completely sapped from making my lasagna). Yes, I made lasagna! However, I don't have any pictures of it. But then again, it doesn't matter because it did look like crap. I didn't have an oven so I had to microwave the thing 15min at a time because the baking tray was too big for the microwave so it couldn't turn... and only after an hour did someone tell me I'm not supposed to put metal things in the appliance. (oops...) I made a little veggie lasagna for Gowri, but burnt the top in Hai Fon's toaster oven. All in all, my efforts were not exactly a failure because even though it looked like crap, both the little and big lasagnas didn't taste too bad. Oh, I also made chicken soup... which is still sitting on the stove right now. It tasted like bakuteh for some reason. I even bought a claypot for it.

Everyone else brought-

Ling Wei - Mushroom Soup
Brandon - made fried oyster mushrooms and garlic bread for the soup
Chris - sweet and sour fish
Amelia - fruit (you can't go wrong with those... hee hee)
Hai Fon - asked Amelia to buy drinks for him for the party and claimed praise for coke and rootbeer but not for 7up ice, and kept reminding people he brought the toaster.
Jebbrine - fried mee hoon in KFC spiderman tubs... those are still in my fridge too.
Gowri - some pastry thing that was nice and trifle... I have know idea how to spell the dessert thing with custard and jelly
Kah Heng - potato cheese jap mayonaise corn beef thing. It was nice but the potato part could give us all hypertension... SALTY!
Li Na - fried chicken balls and crab sticks fried till they were crispy... but they got cold so weren't very crispy by the time she got to my place.
Van Ren - more fruits
Michelle - nuggets and sausages.
Racine and Yon Xian - brought themselves. Racine's excused cause she did just come back from jb but Yon Xian... tsk tsk... at least he wore his jersey as instructed.
Daniel - last minute addition

I hope I didn't forget anyone...

So, my fridge is full of leftovers with no place for anything else, and I'm getting hungry... Next event : clubbing tonight!

:)

this is a good week.

often it is the only

thing

between you and

impossibility.

no drink,

no woman's love,

no wealth

can

match it.

nothing can save

you

except

writing.

it keeps the walls

from

failing.

the hordes from

closing in.

it blasts the

darkness.

writing is the

ultimate

psychiatrist,

the kindliest

god of all the

gods.

writing stalks

death.

it knows no

quit.

and writing

laughs

at itself,

at pain.

it is the last

expectation,

the last

explanation.

that's

what it

is.

Smoke

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

The days are getting very boring and repetitive. Last night I went out with Van Ren, Lina, Amelia, Hai Fon and Kah Heng and we spent the night (or more like 3 hours) in Hartamas wasting money on salty fried mushrooms, some spicy shelled worm thingy, ice-cream and waffles and shisha... however that's spelt. We blew smoke into our cups and laughed at Lina every time she coughed up after a taking a wiff from the shisha thingamajig. I tried blowing smoke rings but failed miserably. We each tried counting to ten while exhaling smoke and found out it was easier said than done. I started blowing smoke out of a straw. Amelia had her first try of shisha and stoned. Then we played a round of pool because Breakers was closing and we went home. And Lina the sly conned me into wearing my tiny skirt out and no one besides her was wearing one :P Sigh... the things we do to fill our time, not that it wasn't fun.

Hai Fon, Bran and the rest just left for Genting. I decided not to go so I could help my dear brother with his extended essay and Genting ain't really fun anyway, unless you've got loads of money to spend but that goes for anywhere... However, I can't get into my Google inbox so... I'm thinking I might have to postpone helping with the evaluation part of his essay till tomorrow... ugh... :P The days are so mundane my brain has gone on a temporary winter break. It's strange not to feel sad or happy and even mildly irritated... (besides the occasional hypoglycaemic irritation I get when I'm hungry and no one can decide on a place to eat but would rather not eat at the place currently suggested. What's up with that?!). I've gone to the cinema enough times to not want to go for a while and there aren't enough movies to go around visiting the cinema 3 to 4 times a week.

I should go visit my grandparents in Kulai during the Hari Raya Break... maybe I'll give them a call later.

The 'Singles Challenge' is holding up and I'm thinking alot more before embarking on adventures that would otherwise complicate my current simple circumstances. Too often I'm in need of chaos which has been the root of all my troubles. I don't need another adventure just at the moment... Just a little quiet and peace.

Let me not forget my mistakes, lest I fall prey to their bony fingers again.

Update

Posted by Marilyn comments (2)

Nothing very philosophical or even remotely smart to blog about these days. Friday's done and gone and the endocrine summative was a disaster... it might be an easy system but it sure was really easy for me to mix things up in my head. Hopefully I didn't fumble so much as to fall into the abyss of FAILURE! :P ... on to greener pastures...

It's rotations time now and everyone's in holiday mode again after the 4 weeks of endocrine. It's strange to be having holidays so soon after our really long break after sem 3, but I'm not complaining. I spent the day being Racine's and Yon Xian's lamp post until Kah Heng turned up at Midvalley which was fortunate. At least I wasn't the only one shining brightly. And now I'm here... at the cyber cafe amidst the empty shells playing dota endless with the dim light and deafening booms of virtual characters in their dying plight to kill other virtual characters. I'm killing my eyes and my ears while I type this... oh joy...

Tomorrow will be another day of glorious lepaking but it's been planned that Rac and I will be going to gym at 11 and then I shall be teaching a bunch of people what I learnt at my elective (which is a mixture of tai chi, yoga and pilates to some music) and then finally maybe a bout of free kickboxing at some Hartamas place Kah Heng goes too with Rac and probably Yon Xian if he can put his ego aside for an hour or so. Hehe! So yep... nothing new... still trying to be a better person... working on that... :)

NO VOICE!

Posted by Marilyn comments (4)

I woke up in a really good mood this morning... and for some silly reason I woke up at 8.30am when I didn't need to. Too much waking up early in the morning to drag people through cheerleading practice. I felt like making someone extra happy today... but I've got no voice for that... maybe I should make a smiley face sign... hahah... right...

Finally cheerleading is over. We didn't win obviously from the lack of practise and the un-synchronizational skills. I boffed up a bunch of steps and I saw some others getting lost like sheep during the routine. (Haha!) But I think we did a pretty good job with the two weeks that we had. And the guys did come through with the carrying and all that. Definitely better than last year! I had my sexy red whistle with me... since I lost my voice and got sick during the process of screaming at the team to get into formation and repeat and formation and repeat and formation... I didn't lose my temper like I did last year which was excellent and I didn't stress so much I had to go home and cry, which was double plus good. However I still skipped lectures to go home and sleep... hee hee... the usual IMU Cup fever. At least the girls volleyball team for my batch got silver... so that's a silver medal for my shelf :)

Yep... nothing else to report... besides me finally getting back to normal life. IMU Cup definitely ain't normal life. No more skipping lectures for me... endocrine next week and I haven't started studying anything... haha... but what's new?

Hello world! I'm back in KL again and missing my brother and best friend and of course my parents... and that's in no particular order. So it's back to the hectic life of IMU Cup and cheerleading and most of the games that include the word 'ball' in them. I haven't been up to logging on from home since it requires me to turn on the laptop and bla bla bla and by the time I am finally home I'm usually pooped from this or that practice. I suppose I am kinda glad that it's only going to be 2 weeks with this crazy schedule. My head's in a little bit of a swirl since there's cheerleading uniforms to work around cause there's now no time for a tailor-made set and the girls don't want to spend too much on it anyway and not everyone is happy with the design and no one is coming to any sort of compromise and not everyone can make cheerleading practises which are heavily mind and body taxing. Surprisingly though I'm not exactly stressed by all this, which is a good thing too... I did have a whole month and 2 weeks to do nothing. Haha.

The tiger prawns, chicken and fish my mom packed for me are still in the fridge and I am yet to cook them. It seems like there's not enough energy to cook when I'm finally home at a time when I just want to shower and sleep but still am hungry, then again I am such a bum when it comes to feeding myself. Must get to that before the end of this week.

No time for gym either... hmmm... I suppose all the sports will have to make up for it.

Oh, and the flight back was uneventful. Nothing interesting happened besides bumping into a batchmate who lives in Miri coming to KL on the same flight. At least there was someone to talk to on the boring flight while I wrote out the cheerleading formations so everyone knows where they're supposed to be in whatever part of a song. I'm also glad I did up the songs with simple moves... just hope everyone counts correctly. At the moment it still looks like some people can't catch the counting just yet. Less than two weeks to go before the end of IMU Cup and the cheerleading event... YIKES!

Yep... I'm glad to be back (I actually had a little moment of happiness the night I got back... so strange).

And much thanks to Kah Heng, Hyphon and Amelia for getting me from the airport :)

Just got home from a whole afternoon of gym, banana leaf rice dinner and the Brothers Grimm. Finally getting back to gym was excellent but a little disorientating since all the equipment is different and the exercise balls they have suck. Ling Tze and I did our own Pilates-Yoga session after working out (or rather after trying to work out after reading the instructions for the machines) then went into the steam bath room and then the sauna. That was my first time in a steam bath. It feels just like I'm being broiled alive. Haha! And that was my second time in a sauna... I still don't get why it's supposed to be relaxing... It's just really hot, but it is fun to pour water over the rocks and hear them sizzle. I'm amused easily, yes.

Dinner was okay. I'm still not used to having spicy food. I don't think I'll ever be.

The movie was better than expected. However, Ling Tze thought it was freakishly disgustingly scary because all of the movie included fairy tales that are supposed to end happily ever after and since they are in books and she's read about them before they become all the more real. She was frightened by most of the movie... especially when the glob of a gingerbread man came out of the well and stole the little girl's face who was trying to draw water, finally engulfing her altogether. I thought the glob was cute... he looked alot like the marshmallow man from ghostbusters. Haha!

Yep... a good day spent. I think I dread going back to KL less now. Passing phases.

After countless snoozes and a phone call, I am finally awake. I remember another dream. It's not exactly strange but I like to recall dreams when I can since I don't remember many.

This one had me and my family at some sort of resort. But it didn't really look like one. I just knew it was. We were having a good time when suddenly there's a chocolate shortage and that's why the electricity will go out because the chocolate dependent generator that also doubles as a chocolate figurines maker is going to go bust. So my brother is trying to fix the problem but can't since there isn't anymore chocolate. I have to give up my one and only favourite chocolate figurine that I keep locked up in my safe because the last chocolate figurine that the generator made is more caramel than chocolate and that same chocolate has been running through the machine too many times. I had to save the day!


Suddenly I'm sitting at a table with Racine and we're berboraking but I see a very large beach snake (that's what I was thinking in my dream, since we were sitting by the sea under a very big coconut tree) coming toward us. I tell her to stand on her chair to prevent from being bitten. I do the same but cannot seem to stand still thus attracting a whole lot of beach snake attention. It first tries to bite my butt, misses but catches my hand instead. There I am screaming in pain but not feeling it (it's a strange feeling really) and I go running to my father. On my way to my dad I bump into the very able chef (who is supposed to be very good with killing beach snakes, especially the kind that's stuck to my hand) but he doesn't help me, just stares at me and the snake hanging from my hand. My brother sees me but is still very busy with the chocolate generator thingy however has time to stop to say, "That's a pygmy python!" As if I really needed to know that... In the end I cannot find my dad so I try to remove the offensive snake by myself. After trying many times and getting rebitten in dozens of places on my arm I am able to remove it with the help of the housekeeping lady who brought a green bag (green again...). So now I am trying to bring the snake to a zoo so it doesn't hurt anyone anymore and I'm getting into the car but the snake breaks lose one last time and catches a hold of my very bloody arm... my dad pops up with the camera and goes "OK, take photo, take photo! Faster, faster" but nothing happens because the camera's run out of battery. I am then thinking, why does this always happen to me? (as if a snake has bitten me before... I've never been bitten). Then my alarm goes off...

By the way, Marilyn v7.0 is up and running! I woke up this morning feeling very mended. I tested all my chinks and pried at some of my wounds and I'm fine! Unbreaking process completed! 100% healed! WooHOO! And I'm off to the gym now. Hehe! I know it's going to be a good day today.

I'm so bored I've become one of those people who go to cafes to surf the net on the free wireless network the place provides, who orders a cheap drink because I have to and not because I need a drink (although I did want drinking chocolate). It's not the drink I'm here for obviously. It's actually quite an improvement from being bored at home. I'm here alone but I never mind going out on my own. I don't know why... even though people always think I deserve piteous sounds when I tell them that I am going out alone. I like alone time really. It gives me time to think. At the moment I'm not in a very contemplative mood but then again typing at a computer in a cafe I haven't been to for half a year does bring back some old memories... mostly nice happy memories... like playing 'Pictionary" with Alwin, Steven and Tyng ;) that was a good waste of an afternoon when no one knew what else would constitute fun.

I'm getting older... ugh... My parents are in Singapore but I'm so bland I don't go out nights (then again there's no one to go out with during that time of night, not that there's somewhere to go in Brunei after 11). They tell me not to go out late and I don't... I'd really have jumped at the chance to skip the curfew since they're not here but I don't this time. There isn't even the urge to go out. I've become bland. Oh, what happened to the girl who broke the photocopy machine while trying to photocopy her butt? I need to relight my fire... haha... it sounds so much as if I need to rekindle a dying relationship.

Marilyn version 7.0 coming up. A little tougher, a little smarter, a little happier... I'm gaining weight... means I'm getting happier. Haha. Or just been bingeing too much. Still trying to get used to really being alone. I need to go back to the gym again. Better stop before I start babbling. I guess I don't feel like thinking. Not feeling very smart today. Sounds like a setback in the Marilyn v7.0 project ;P

Tomorrow, tomorrow... everything will be better.

I spent most of today sleeping on the couch with the TV on and now I can't sleep. Then again I'm not even trying to sleep. My brain is tired from fighting with myself and all I really want to do is leave this place (funny since I'm whining about having to leave it too... humans... sigh). But there's no one to leave it with so I'm back to the drawing board with a vengence. I've exhausted the remote control for what it can give me and that still leaves much to be desired. I don't think I've held more than 10 min worth of proper conversation for the whole day. It's starting to get as if I'm back in vista... NOOO!!! Blah!

So I get online at 5 in the morning when my brother is snoring away happily (or what appears to be happy snoring to me at this time of morning) in his comfortable bed. There's no one I want to chat to online so I'm stuck with surfing. I click around i-am-bored.com for a bit but cannot find entertainment. Then I begin to wonder what it might feel like to have an acid trip, not that I was planning on trying it. You know, just about the psychadelic this and that. I type 'tripping acid dreams' into google.

After clicking around for a bit I come across this site,

http://growabrain.typepad.com/growabrain/drugs_lsd/.

It appears to be some guy's blog on a whole lot of other things besides LSD but it doesn't really have real words in it... just a bunch of links and things. If you're bored like I am, anything can be a reprieve. The following two links from that guys page seems to be interesting - 'Visual Overdose, Energisers and other Crazy Images from Eyvind Almquist of Virtual-Exp Psy and Java-Fuxation and many other trippy voyages from Entropy8zuper, the people who brought us Venus Trap'.

Yep, so if you're bored click on something on that page. The 'Dreams' collection seems quite possibly boredom busting-able too.

And since I was bored I also looked up some of the things that were in my dream. The coloured bits are what applied to me.

For the word EMBRACE - Dreaming that you are embracing your lover, foretells of quarrels, disagreements, and accusations arising from infidelity. Dreaming that you embrace a stranger means of an unwelcome guest. Dreaming that you are embracing relatives means their sickness and unhappiness.

For the word MOUNTAIN - Seeing mountains in your dream means many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. If you are on top of the mountain, then it means that you have achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains indicates a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth. Dreaming that you are climbing a mountain means your determination and ambition. Dreaming that you fall off a mountain, suggests that you are in a hurry to succeed without thoroughly thinking about your path to success. It also means that you have a tendency to give up or escape from demanding situations.

For the word ROAD - Seeing a road in your dream indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. Seeing a winding, curvy, or bumpy road in your dream, suggests that you will experience many obstacles and setbacks in achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the darker or more frightening choices which you have made or are making. Seeing a smooth road bordered by green trees and flowers indicates a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going according as planned. Seeing an unknown road in your dream means that you new project will cause more grief than it is worth and a waste of time. Dreaming that a threatening creature is on a road, parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear.

For the word CAR - Dreaming that you are driving a car means your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life. Dreaming that your car is overheating, suggests that you are expending too much energy and need to slow down or run the risk of becoming burnt out. You may be taking on more than you can handle. It is time to take a breather. Seeing a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. Dreaming that you are almost hit by a car, suggests that your lifestyle, beliefs or goals may be in conflict with another's. It may also be symbolic of a jolting experience or injured pride. Dreaming that you are unable to roll up the windows of your car, suggests that you are showing some hesitation and reservation about the direction that you are taking in life or the path that you have chosen.

For the word LESBIAN - Dreaming that you are a lesbian (but you are not in your waking life) means a union with aspects of yourself. It is symbolic of self-love, self-acceptance, and passion. You are comfortable with your sexuality and femininity. If, in your dream you abhor the notion of lesbianism, then it represents your fears and rejection of parts of your own sexuality. If you are a lesbian in your waking life, then the dream is simply a reflection of your own self. (so I guess dreaming about being a lesbian when you're not is a good thing. Haha!)

For the word T-SHIRT - Seeing or wearing a T-shirt in your dream, suggests that you need to take it easy and relax. (but what if it's a green t-shirt?)

I think I'll go to sleep now. Finally.

I wanted to blog about this before but completely forgot about it until tonight. I'm so bored I think my brain is melting and oozing out my ears while I rot like the couchpotato that I am.

I never thought I was even a little homophobic until I met this girl the other day. She's bi and that's fine by me but I realized that I am extremely straight when I finally found out. It's not like she introduced herself as bi but ya... haha... I found out. I was a little more dressed up that night since my friends and I were going out and she needed a ride home. So we were sending her home and I was in the back seat with her. I had just found out and at first I thought, "So what? Peoples' sexual identities are their own business. I don't care about that." But the thing was, when she got into the car I did care! And she turned to look at me full on and went, "You look very nice today!" and a few other things (I felt quite uncomfortable being checked out by another girl). I thanked her for the compliment, somewhat hesitantly since it was my first time getting looked over by a girl (maybe I was being overly sensitive... but I usually don't get the wrong signals... even when it's from another girl... I guess. Haha!).

I always wondered what it was like to be with a girl, and always thought that maybe I am bi too... (thought it was maybe a deep dark fetish I never knew about). haha... I don't have to wonder anymore! And I didn't even need to try it out either, which is excellent, because it would've been quite embarrassing for all parties since I'd run out of the room regretting even wanting to try it. Ugh... *SHIVERS*!

Now I think I understand how a guy feels when he meets a gay fellow who appears to be showing some sort of 'interest'. I wouldn't say I was apprehensive but I definitely wasn't comfortable. I think I would've been fine if she didn't check me out like that (then again I'd be uncomfortable too if some guy checked me out like that). I think I wouldn't mind having her as a friend but it's a little freaky when she seems to be showing more than just friendly interest. Haha! Ah well. Gotta learn to accept everyone.

My brother just woke me up from my first dream in a long time. It wasn't the best dream to have but I didn't want to wake up. I'm not sure if I'm sad or just a little disorientated from being woken up to help him moves cars. It was one of those weird dreams that don't make sense but make sense because it contains all the bits of my life that I'm afraid to face. Already the fragments are dissolving into thin air as I type this. I only remember the bits that I don't want to type about. Sigh. I didn't think I'd really be fighting shadow demons in my sleep... it was just a figure of speak... oh well...

My dream had a lot of cars in it... a lot of different people I haven't seen in ages... and a lot of people I don't remember or don't think I even know. And at the end, before my brother woke me up I was in a car going up a mountain road (It was a kancil... I think I do miss KL... but just don't know it. It looks just like Jebbrine's but she wasn't driving it). But I wanted the driver to stop for people I loved. I even tried jumping out of the car... but she didn't stop. So all of them people I loved had to rough it out walking/running/complaining to the top of the very big mountain... on which seemingly stood a very important grey building that we had to make our way to no matter what (and I don't know why the driver didn't stop for the rest... she was supposed to. She kept driving on as if she couldn't hear me). Just before that scene I was lying in someone's arms thinking how we don't have a future and then getting on the mountain road together but he walked off faster so he was ahead of me, that was why I got into the car. Sigh... even in my dreams it happens. I should learn how to vivid dream. I was only able to control what was happening in my dream only once in my life. Now THAT was interesting. Haha.

Every time I tell people I dream in colour but that the people don't usually have faces they think it's freaky. I guess it would be if I didn't know who these people were in my dream (for some reason I just know who they are everytime and if they are supposed to have a different face from what it is in real life I know too but I can't make out the dream features this fellow got as a face in my dream. Go figure... then again dreams aren't supposed to make perfect sense). But the thing is I don't remember very much what they look like in the dream anyway... most of the time the dream frame is like it is on the tube... it catches only certain angles of other people and most of the time the angle is that of a side of the face or a body part or the body without the head like on Cow and Chicken. Yeah... still freaky I know but I don't dream much anyway. However, I remember silly details in dreams like clothes or shoes or even car type. Haha...

I'm feeling better. Maybe I'll go back to sleep, or have breakfast now. It's too early in the morning to feel down.

I dream in colour but I don't dream in faces. I dreamt of your green shirt but I dreamt of your face too this morning.

I won my battle with the shadow demon this time. It will be too soon before it comes to plague me again. Interestingly it was being a sloth that kept me afloat. I'm too lazy even to feel upset. Haha. Being happy is still easier on the nerves and is definitely a less tiring job to keep up. It's the getting here that's tough.

I was watching 'Girl, Interrupted' again the other day. Borderline Personality Disorder. I think everyone has that one time or another. Not me today. I think.

The sun came out. Everything smells clean... and new.

I watched 'Wicker Park' the other day too. That's another good movie. Like 'Single White Female' only no one dying. To be so in love...

Still broken... in the process of mending :)

It's a rainy morning and I woke up to the sound of pitter-patter on my window. I like the sound of raindrops on a roof. It's nice to sleep in on a morning like this. One of those things that makes me feel contented and luxuriously lazy.

BUT,

I:

- Couldn't sleep anymore.

- Was fighting another personal demon in my sleep.

The shadow kind that my mind conjures and just won't die with a stake through the heart

And the kind that stays for breakfast.


SO,

I:

- Am tired even before the day begins.

- Am fighting shadow demons in broad daylight.

And going to have breakfast in a few minutes

Even a shadow demon might make good company.

Progress!

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

Since I've been back I've felt better about myself than I have since everything went downhill when I was in KL. I can't say I am completely out of rehab but I'm getting there. Falling out of love is painful alright. I think I had the cushion of needing to concentrate on other things more important at that time to keep me off the real pain of separation. Blogging has also been therapeutic, and so has going to the gym and spending more time with my friends. A mix of endorphins, good company and concrete self-will got me through this without going insane. I assumed after everything important got out of the way that I'd grief for another ending (and cry my eyes out. Generally being a sulky post-break-up person) but I surprised even myself when I picked myself up faster than I've ever done before. Usually I'm the kind who'll sit in a corner to wallow in self-pity and create more scenarios to plague my already weary mind and heart (the kind that replays and replays with all sorts of different endings... what if I'd done this? or said that? would it have been different? bla bla bla... that happens to make me sick too. Why did I torture myself like that?). The most crucial lesson I learnt from all my endings was that the worse will always pass, but before that happened I'd have to sit tight, grit my teeth and ride the waves. I can't remember if I've said that before. Something tells me I have. I guess after enough times I've learnt that it's better to sit back and take the hits instead of fight. It makes the rough riding so much easier. And that to love is always easier than to hate. Sigh. I always learn too late. I'm hoping one day I'll learn before it's too late and probably save from hurting another person and then the pieces of THE puzzle will fall into place. Until then... sigh...

Since I'm on the topic of progress... I got weighed again today at the gym and so did Ling Tze. She lost a little weight and lost a lot on her fat %, like 10%!! I gained 0.6kg (haha... quite good since I've been bingeing like crazy) and lost about 6% fat... MUAHAHA!! But then again, we did go to the gym religiously for a whole month. I am now officially more muscle than fat (20.2% fat as a matter of fact) compared to when I got back a month ago (which was about 26%). I feel good. Hehe. According to the scale thingy that measured our weights and body this-and-that percentages, I have an 'athletic' body type... WAH... haha. Yeah RIGHT I'm thinking. Still no defined abs though :( the only boo-boo in this whole paragraph.

I hope I can keep this up when I'm back in KL. It would suck to let this go. I like me more now.

I was just surfing, reading other people's blogs and remembering what I was up to at those particular dates when these people were writing in their blogs. Memories are interesting things. No matter how much we complain about time flying by but we still get complacent and don't grasp what we hold dear closer. Maybe it's not a we but it's definitely me. Just like me now, procrastinating like there's no tomorrow. It makes me sick... but I'm still sitting here blogging instead.

The day's only saving grace is going to gym. But I'm only doing that because it's become routine. Maybe if I somehow work actually doing work into my routine then maybe it'll work out. Haha. I used 'work' 3 times in one sentence. I must really start though. Things are getting out of hand, and if I don't keep myself more busy than this I'll begin to fall back into the abyss I know as SLOTH and IDLE THOUGHT. Those two have taken away more from me than anything else I know. SLOTH has cost me time I could've spent doing work so I don't have to rush later. IDLE THOUGHT has taken me back to periods of my life I wish to forget more times than I'd appreciate. Those two hand-in-hand don't make a good combination if I am to keep to how I am living my life now. I've gotta keep it together... I'm happy but only barely so...

Since I've been back I've been on eating binges everytime I'm sitting in front of the TV, or just sitting at home really :P It's strange how the urge to eat even though I'm not exactly hungry overtakes me in those moments of boredom. When I'm back in vista I sleep from boredom... but then again there's usually nothing in the fridge in the first place and nothing to watch on TV. He he! ;)

After gym a few days ago I was sitting with Ling Tze at one of those little cafe things drinking ice honey green tea with pearl thingies in them and reading magazines. It occurred to me that I was extremely hungry but since I'm extremely broke I didn't want to spend more money eating out. However, after flipping through 2 standard women's magazines I didn't feel like eating anymore. It's all those pictures of 'desireable' women and those 'fashionable' clothes. Not that I'm exactly dissatisfied with my own body (I don't think a girl who's completely satisfied with herself exists) but of course there are things I'd like to have... like a toned everything. Haha. I am still prone to stereotypes. Maybe that's why I don't buy magazines. It's a waste of money and a waste of my eating time :P Not to mention I'd be spending money on a whole lot of advertising enticing me to buy more things that I want but don't really need. No no no... for me, reading magazines only happens at the saloon, doctor's office, gym (we got it there too... reading material while we're bored cycling), cafe thingies like the one Ling Tze and I went to, someone else's mags if I happen to sit on it... yep yep. Everytime I read a magazine I get a sick anorexic-like feeling... like it's wrong to eat... no magazine for me alright.

Going off on a tangent, the other day I was experiencing another one of those moments of pure gold with the sun in my eyes when it occurred to me how strange that it would be happening to 'Fix You' by Coldplay. I'm no Coldplay fan but for some reason it hit a cord in me. I'm one of those who fall for lyrics rather than the song itself. I didn't start bawling in the car or anything but it was just so surreal. Anyway, I thought it was funny because I was there at peace with the world but the song that was playing was bittersweet. It's like having the person in charge of the soundtrack of your life play the wrong song at the wrong moment. But isn't that what Life is all about? Wrong timing... until you get it right and everything falls into place (again I am babbling). So every time 'Fix You' comes on the radio, that same peace falls over me and I get the feeling that everything will be all right, even though it is still not a happy song. That's conditioning for ya.

I just got back from dinner with my ex. It wasn't an awkward dinner where both parties would be trying to prevent from hurting each other's feelings by saying the wrong things. It was comfortable and no one was forced into being friendly. Everything's been resolved long ago, we're just friends and that's just excellent. It didn't even feel strange listening to him whine about his current girlfriend and his various business ventures that are giving him gigantic migraines. It was even nice to know that everything was going on fine for him besides the usual complaints. Why am I telling you this?

(aside from me getting a free Japanese dinner just now... haha :P I'm broke la. I was glad he didn't mind).

Isn't it interesting, how we're always able to adapt no matter how difficult the circumstances are? The ending with this ex wasn't pretty. And for a while things didn't seem like it would get better. One of those long drawn out things and being the softy I am things got even worse. Then finally one day, I just decided to rip it off quick like a band-aid. But by then, it didn't even hurt because I'd already left before I knew it. In any case, I find it extremely strange how I can actually carry out a normal conversation with him since when we first met we were never even friends first. Time reset everything... for me anyway. Only one thing I did wrong to erase myself... and that was overwriting a hurt by loving someone else. BIG NO NO. I've been doing that for as long as I know.

Everyday I'm reminding myself I'm not ready... because I'm still broken.

I woke up this morning, thinking how everyday is going to be the same and just hoping that the routine would dull my senses enough to let me get through without going back to all those habits I shouldn't keep. I can already feel those evil vines creeping slowly back into my veins. It is not the fatigue keeping me back, it is me the sloth. Maybe I should change my ways... to not be so afraid of endings, to not be so ready to fit into another comfortable space, to not want to jump into the fire so easily... too many things are too transient. It's a nagging feeling at the back of my neck, this need to be loved but I am not ready to start. That's the first time I could stand up to myself enough to own up I am not ready to jump.

How strange... I'm actually saying "no" to myself.

After yesterday's little ruffle I was very eager to hit the gym today. After a good run I'm feeling good again. Thank goodness for endorphins and exercise. Then I hit the resistance training with full gusto! haha... okie that's overstating it but I was definitely very enthusiastic when it came to working out today. RUN RUN RUN! DON'T STOP! YOU CAN DO IT! (ok, keep breathing evenly now...). Finally, pumping iron and thinking, 'I'm slowly getting my muscles toned... I'm fitter than I've ever freaking hell been in my entire life...' helps put my heart and mind in check. At this rate, I'm definitely going to be one of those people who run things out on a treadmill. Scary. Like those women who run like they have a grudge against all MAN-kind. But I don't hate men. Just don't understand them very much. Oh oh, and there was core-conditioning again today... my abs hurt... ah... a good workout, although a little disappointing at the same time. Ling Tze thought so too... our muscles weren't screaming to be released.

Moving on

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I realize there are still things that hurt, even if I try very hard to make them disappear.

While I was on my way to gym this evening I had this sense of complete peace. The sun was in my eyes but not so much that it'd be annoying. I'd turned off the radio and it just seemed as if everything was right with the world. It was a clear day, even with the minimal haze going on here in Brunei (compared to KL of course). The orange horizon, the quiet in my car and the thought of me on my way to my beloved workout place was just pure bliss. Like soaking in calm cool waters on a hot day. Strange how being away just makes all pain disappear. In a sense today was the best day I've had since I've been back.

Then having a very nice dinner with a friend. Stuffing myself till I was ready to burst. Realizing that I'm happy being alone. Finally coming to terms with it. Ah, the innocence of this.

But I come crashing and burning back to reality with just a few words. Funny how that happens. CRASHING BACK TO REALITY. Again I realize I am still not immune. Oh, how I loath these back and forth retches my heart makes, jerking me back into memories I don't want to remember.

I fell in love broken everytime. B-R-O-K-E-N. Missing pieces I'd given away so long ago, finding each time that a piece might come back to haunt me. I've had enough of that. I'm waiting this time. Waiting for a real whirlwind to sweep me off. I've never really been in love. I'm so young to be so world-weary.



Some photos from Bryan's camera when we were in Redang. I just got the ones I liked (even though the first one makes me look crazy :P). I'm so partial to black and white photos.

I haven't been to Jerudong Park for a long time, so we went just now. We didn't sit on any of the rides because the park's popularity has gone down so much that they can't afford proper maintenance anymore. It's such a shame because it used to be packed with people and parking was a big headache but that's part of going to a theme park. In any case, we still had to pay the entrance fee (hhahah... it's a buck to walk around and a fiver to sit on any of the rides... assuming the one you want is still open... a few are already closed 'for maintenance'). So we took silly pictures instead.
Sweet, no? I haven't taken a photo sitting on something as silly as a camel for a long time.

Oh... this one's got nothing to do with JP. It's Ling Tze and yours truly after our first Boxercise class. We're smiling but really our abs were hurting something bad.

Ya... we were bored.

We were at at the kids' playground. I just love the swings... but the motion pictures didn't turn out right. Just got this.

I just got back from the gym... again. Took another new class. Body combat. Feels just like Boxercise except no crazy floor exercises and we never stop moving, except probably between song changes for 10 secs. Ling Tze opted out after a while. My muscles now ache again from the unfamiliarity of new exercises. Ah well. I'm addicted to going to the gym and working out. I like the pain and the satisfaction that I get after I've been to the gym. It's getting so bad that I'm beginning to be a fixture in the gym, along with Ling Tze. Gym furniture. Haha!

Most days when I'm running nowhere on the treadmill I want to stop, not from exhaustion but because I just don't feel like it. Then this voice in my head says, "Don't let it beat you. Do you want to go back the way you were? This is a good start, stick with it. Are you just going to give up? DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK THERE??" And I think, "NO!" and I keep running... I feel like an Energizer bunny after I finish running. This sounds so much like I'm obese. :P

I'm fearing going back to KL although it is still a while before that happens. I don't want to go back to all my bad habits and all my faults. I'm new again here. Sounds like it's time to rearrange furniture in my room, pretend I'm in a different place. I know this time I'm going to miss Brunei and miss my home and my family.

No more mistakes now. I will be clean.

I think Life should be a woman, if Life could ever be given a gender. She has PMS days (or months or years for some) and mood swings like you'd never imagine. Life has the uncanny ability to spring forth such unforeseen circumstances at you that you wonder why you were unhappy with your previous arrangement in the first place (yes, I think everyone would agree that Life gets worse when you least expect it). I always laugh when it starts to 'rain', I've got this idea that it'll always 'start pouring' sooner or later. It saves me the anguish of expecting a silver lining and not getting it. Below is a few reasons why Life should be a woman (I made it up myself... haha...). But of course, most of it is very subjective and in no way a sexist thing. Sheesh, I'm making women look bad as it is.

1. She likes to make things happen when you least expect it, like giving you the promotion/scholarship/(insert very much desired thing here) you always wanted after years of waiting or taking away the very thing you cherish (just because you've had it so long you've forgotten to treasure it's very existence) or giving you more problems than you can handle when you've got enough to drown you.

2. She likes to give you things in such a way that it is bittersweet. She makes you very happy and very sad at the very same time. For example, allowing you to realize that your ex still loves you and that you still love him/her but it's too late because you're getting married today. It's just as if she enjoys burning you (the ant) under a very big magnifying glass but saying 'I love you so much' at the very same time.

3. She is not always that way though, sometimes she just makes you so happy you wonder why you don't love her more... but that can go down the drain when she crushes you so exquisitely you wonder, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT!?!?! WE HAD A GOOD THING GOING! ARGH! LIFE SUCKS! $)>%*$#)^

4. She makes you make very difficult decisions between your wants (what you really want or the wrong thing to do) and her (the right thing to do) but doesn't tell you which decision is which and sometimes the right thing to do can become the wrong thing to do and bla bla bla. Basically confuse the crap outta you.

5. Ok, I ran out of reasons. Well, more like I got tired of typing and thinking. To be continued then...


This is the owner of the gym I'm going to. If he's not YUMMY, I don't know what is. Grrr..! He's good-looking (absolutely spicy I tell you), relatively young (25), rich (not important but sounds good haha!), is a model, is an actor, plays basketball for Brunei (although Brunei ain't that good, but who cares! He does a good 360 spin thingy before sinking the ball sometimes). Yikazoids! This is the perfect man (in terms of skill and external beauty, anyway). Haha! But I'm no groupy. He is good-looking though, ya have to admit and it's not the reason why I go to the gym so much, if anyone's wondering. He's not in Brunei at the moment and also unavailable :P

I saw the movie last night, and had a major chocolate craving after it :P (bought myself a whole bar of dairy milk). I read the book a long time ago but I don't remember Willy Wonka being so insecure... or being so much like Michael Jackson (ugh, but his music still rocks and he's so rich it doesn't matter if he wants to make his home an amusement park). Willy Wonka so childish, so self-centred instead of the weird little fellow who made chocolate but still seemed more like a fairy tale character rather than a scary reality check. It was sad how he didn't have the childhood everyone deserves but then again, that's how psychos and geniuses are made. Strange how those two go together... to me anyway (yes, I'm babbling). I left the cinema thinking what a scary movie it must be for little kids if they really thought about it (just like 'Courage the Cowardly Dog' but I loved that cartoon. Morbidly funny). And Johnny Depp did a real good job at being Willy Wonka... still upper lip, manic chuckling, hardly caring about the wellbeing of his guests and all. It's a pretty good movie, if you don't bother thinking too much about it, like a whole lot of other movies.

I read a bit of Roald Dahl when I was little. I loved BFG the best. To all of you who haven't read Roald Dahl you're definitely missing out.

Veering off the topic of movies, two days ago I came out of a new class with Ling Tze feeling like my abs were so raw I probably wouldn't be able to do another sit-up. It was a class called 'Boxercise'. It wasn't the 'boxing' per say that made it painful but the floor exercises. The most number of tummy crunches, sit-ups and strange ab exercise I've done forever. 2 sets of 20 abdominal crunches with a count that's 1 sec each. I kept up for the first set but died in the second (haha! I couldn't stop laughing. It was agonizing to keep up!) Then 20 more ab crunches but with legs straight up to the ceiling, 20 ab crunches with legs bent halfway in the air, 20 sit-ups to touch elbows to knees (this part I just couldn't keep up), 20 leg-lifts without touching the ground once, bla bla bla... you get the picture. At the end, my abs were ready to fall out. But it felt so good after! So I'm definitely going for another painful session with Tyrone the very buff black instructor with a very nice brit accent :P

While I was driving home from gym after a very funny cha-cha class, I realized why I never used to get homesick and why I got homesick this time. Every time I was away from home before this last time, I'd always felt that I was going home every night to a place where I felt safe and happy. This half-year it's been the other way around and every time I went home to my room at vista it wasn't safe and happy anymore. It's not like I felt someone was watching me but I just didn't feel like it was the home I thought it was when I first landed in KL. My room's become this foreign place that I come back to because I have to. It is sad that it's come to this.

And I'm not saying my friends aren't enough. Seriously, if it weren't for them, I'd be so much of a lesser person. So THANKS GUYS (meaning everyone obviously) for being the people that you are to me. I'm only dreading flying back to KL because it's no longer the second home it was. sigh... gotta work on that one.

On the other hand, I had a good day today. Another day I'm in a good mood, which is excellent. So besides the little revelation of second homes I'm doing well in the happy department :) Hoorah!

I just happened over some old poetry I wrote a long time ago. It's strange I don't remember the emotions that went along with these words. I did a revision of some of the verses but the idea is essentially the same, although I still can't put my finger on when I wrote it or why. It was from a period when I was still writing poetry the had some sort of hidden meaning. Anyway, it's reads as follows...

While too many bells rang in my head
I dreamt it was the wind whistling
when I heard them whispering

IT was never a battle won
But a defeated groveling

Hasty enormous mole-hills
Sprouted in place of my yellow-brick road
Each Step taken in place of a Leap
Always incessant trudging along instead of running

IT was never a battle won
But an unvarying mending

Enter stage left Disappointment
Maybe you’ll stay awhile.
Blood and sweat drip free from these hands
He might tell me otherwise, smiling.

It's funny how I never listened to my friends when they were trying to tell me something for my own good, even though I'd thanked them each time for being honest. I realize now they were the ones who saw the reality while I was being blinded by the shroud of 'love'.

My best friend and I had our first one-on-one session with the trainer at the gym today. While I was happily running nowhere on the treadmill I realized I actually enjoy working out. I still don't see the point in running on a treadmill beside other equally directionless work-outters but it's nice having the time and everything else in front of you and not having to worry about bugs or stepping in dog poo (and having the Disney channel playing cartoons is a good distraction :P) I was thinking about all the endorphins swimming about in my bloodstream while my best friend was having her session and wondering why I never used to like working out.

The trainer was wondering why my calves were toned when I was doing the leg presses after she showed me on the machine thingy... she thought I ran alot. No, I just wear four-inch heels alot :P So there is a point to wearing them heels besides looking really sexy. He he!

In any case, I love going to the gym. It's only been 5 days though. Everything still hurts but it feels good, oddly enough. I think I'll be going to the gym more often now that I realize I like the endorphin high. But I go on horribly unsatiated binges thinking I'll work it off anyway... Not good. Not good at all. Haha.

MSI

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There has been several bouts of 'hysteria' in the local girls' school. It's been reported (on the front page too since this place hasn't got any better news to cover) that several girls suddenly started shouting and screaming before passing out during class or assembly or something along the lines of a crowd. It's been happening for the past week or more (I don't know really cause the newspaper was already running it when I got back). Bomohs were called in to rid the school off the evil spirits that caused these girls to act so oddly (That's how it read in the newspaper). Lots of parents were freaked out and the whole school had a day off after the second 'attack'. I thought it would've been funny if these girls coordinated these 'attacks'. Super scam the school and the authorities into giving them special treatment. But today's newspaper reported another one of such attacks in the nearby primary school. Was it a coincidence? Hmmm...

I find urban legends funny. One of them urban legends I heard at school was about a friend's friend's second cousin twice removed who was from some school (obviously local and unnamed) who stuck a test-tube up her woohoo (haha... ok, bad word to substitute it with... but you know what it is) and it broke and they had to bring her to the hospital, broken bit of test-tube, bleeding and all. She must've been really rough with her 'fun'. And I'm sure someone else has a similar version of that story. All bollocks.. :P

I'm tempted to continue with my wallowing. I'm tempted to be the whinny wuss I'm used to being at times like this. But I'm tired of that, and it's tiring being upset. I'm still trying to think my way out of this, instead of doing all those things I used to do to erase my hurt. However, I don't know what I want just right now. I want to be comfortable being by myself, of which I am. I want to be able to sit still without being melancholic, that I cannot do. BUT WHY? It's irritating.

*

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Your smile, that half smile
So sad, so sorry...
The last thing I remember, now
In that one moment,
An infinite number of words
Tell me you're sorry, for ever hurting me

Only your eyes betray you.

My arms are so tired they feel rubbery as I type. My day started late after lunch when I hauled my lazy butt out of bed and into a badminton court. I played till my right arm had no feeling. Then I had a combination of taichi, yoga and pilates class where I stretched almost every muscle in my body. It was invigorating though, funny because it was strenuous without being taxing on stamina... just on one's aching muscles. Take pilates people! It's excellent for toning, although it does hurt something bad the first time... I feel every muscle in my stomach and back! After that, we (meaning my best friend and I) had a nice round of weight training... actually we didn't plan on attending that class, but since we had the time and wanted to try everything out... ya... now everything hurts, but it was GREAT!

On a separate note, I've been having relapses of melancholy these few days. The feeling is like being slowly and painfully torn apart, leaving only an empty space within. Mood swings... ugh. I'm trying to figure out what I'm yearning for. The last has got my bearings all in a twist, but keeping busy has kept me off my addictions.

I'd like directions back onto the yellow brick road now, thanks.

I was quite glad I passed, and so was Kah Heng.

The picture didn't catch our result slips though.

I'm back home! After a tiring day in the plane, running around Miri and in the car on the way back, I'm in my brother's room typing. I didn't realize how much I missed home. I guess it'll happen to everyone some time or another. My plane ride can't be termed excellent, or horrible but I had the good luck of having 3 aunties in front of me gossiping away in Mandarin (not that I have anything against it. They were just talking too loud and for too long. I WANTED TO SLEEP!) and a very fidgety lady behind me who couldn't stop sighing and tsk tsking and getting up to check something in the overhead compartment every once in a while.

My feelings right now: Happy I'm back, glad that Brunei hasn't changed much (although that definitely is a sign of decrepit. haha... but that's my home for you), glad to feel at home when I walked in the door, glad to step into my old room with all it's old memories and all those little trinkets I keep, extremely glad to be away from my vista room and KL. I suppose I'm also a creature of change and too much stagnating in one place makes me plain. Not in much of a philosophical mood right now. I'm just happy. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :)

I had a drinking party at my place last night. However, I left 30min after the first bottle was opened to go clubbing. So, I don't know how it went. I'm usually a better host, but I don't think my friends minded :P They seemed to have had a pretty good time when I strolled in my door at 5am feeling like a 'shaken not stirred' martini and being amused at the way everything was strewn on the tables, sofas and what not. Clubbing wasn't really fun, but it was very therapeutic, if I am allowed to call it that. At last some sort of closure, although there is always a chance of relapse but I'm not about to allow that to happen, again. I got up this morning with a messed up house and cleaned it up best I could with my queasy self. At least I can see the tabletop now, but I'm being dramatic.

I just got my results. I calmly opened the slip when everyone around me had shaking hands or was too excited. It was interesting to not care about what was in the slip. I passed, thank God. My in-course assessments pulled up my grades somewhat but I passed the finals itself too but I think barely. Now I am left with time to choreograph for cheerleading and learn pilates. Sounds like the start of a pretty eventful holiday.

I'm looking forward to going home. I haven't looked forward to going home for a while.

Moth

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A moth scatters dust in my room
She is beautiful without being vivid

Again I am ugly, impatient
In Life's waiting room, too often

Angry at this sister I have, or think
I do. Only to find her invisible

Dissolving into empty vapour as
The seconds tick through this thick

Glass. The moth comes to visit me.
And I see I am a brute, who is

No longer acting, because there is
No more script left to play and she

Is singing the words by heartstrings
Knowing each step is against herself.

Laughing at the irony of curveballs.
Love is, a double edged sword, we

So willingly burn flowers and words for.
I, the Goddess, am again the Slave.

Closer

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You know what's a good movie? Closer. I haven't watched a good movie in a long time. This one's got Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts and one other fellow who's quite famous whose name I can't recall. It's about their relationships and how messed up things get when you have triangles. It's excellent. I love crying to movies and I cried to this one. It's amazing how someone can be so in love one second and so angry the next and how love can make someone do impossible things and how hate and jealousy can make someone so vengeful. It's strange how everyone wants the truth no matter how painful it hits and how Life hits you down so well that after a while you don't even want to know the truth and rather someone lie so you don't hurt. Ignorance is bliss so they say. Today I'd like to be ignorant.

I've a greyish tinge to my skin I can't explain. I'm on borrowed light that's becoming dim as the days progress. Now I'm sure I've plunged off the edge because I have the time. My hands don't scratch but they make invisible traces on the tabletop of your name, over and over. I'd love to start over with another name and another place, where no one knows me.

Men are crap, but I like them all the same. Boys are worse, because they don't know what they want. One thing they all have in common is that they don't say what they don't mean. And when you ask a question they can't answer, they don't say a thing. No matter the desperation for words, "I don't know what to say." "What do you want me to say?" "I don't know." And the loops keeps going.

I know what it feels like to have someone who used to love you around. It is just as if he became a stranger overnight. I realize again I never really knew him in the first place.

It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and all the glittering assholes who appreciate 'art' say it's beautiful cause that's what they want to see... but the people in the photos are sad. And alone, but the pictures make the world seem beautiful so, the exhibition's reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone likes a big fat lie.

Silence

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Midnight quiet reminds me of desperate times, of those periods when I thought I wouldn't survive. Just like being terminally ill, except, I'm not. I've forgotten what it's like to live normally. It's strange how everything can change so much, yet we can still adapt and only realize too late how drastic things have become. Now I try not to ask questions and take them as they come, those arrows that sting but yet I so embrace.

So I take another drag from the cup of life. This time it is bittersweet like the aftertaste of a once passionate relationship gone bad. I'm not too concerned about the future - there is nothing to look forward to. I've lost my fire again.

Oh why does my mind tell me I'm doing it all wrong, that it's time to move on to yet another foreign land? Why am I always waiting? It's not fair but I'm still doing it. I'm so tired of feeling like a milkshake. I'm craving for something more permanent than these transient meetings that leave me confused. I know they are no more than they are, just a temporary release, but I wish they could be. I've learnt not to read more into things, they don't exist. I've hid my emotions so well, I can't even voice them out now. Just as if the words dissipate when I grab at them.

Got back from Redang last night. It was a blast! The water was clear blue and there were 40 odd of us in the same resort. A combination of friends, berboraking in the sea and at all hours, wearing my swim suit all day (I didn't get a bikini in time :P), having sand in my pants for 3 days straight and going snorkelling was really good. It made everyone forget about exams and the rest of the world. A big plus was the Rainbow, Graveyard, Chivas and Vodka and doing flips on the beach (although I messed one up and got a mouthful of sand but since I was already woozy, I don't think I cared all that much:P). The moon wasn't really out, it was really cloudy but it was still a lot of fun! I got to go kayaking and saw a whole lot of coral and fish... but doing that for 2 days ain't much fun after a while :P I didn't get to see the baby sharks though... me not being able to swim at all and someone telling me, "just bring your goggles and tube then... should be fine." I panicked and had a very tanned lifeguard save me. haha... no good looking guys on the beach though, which was nothing special... wasn't looking out for one anyway :P Most of the guys got sunburnt, since they all didn't wanna wear sunblock... not macho so it seems. I'm tanned again but gladly not burnt. My SPF 30 BananaBoat Grape Smelling For Kids sunblock works like a charm. It was funny feeling like I was still at sea when I was still on the beach. Like having a high when I haven't even had a drop. All in all a really good holiday even though the food sucked and the place we were staying in was undergoing some major renovations but we walked the stretch of beach and found good volleyball places, and I got buried in the sand and made a very busty mermaid! :) One really big turn off was our room which stank to high heaven of sewage but after sitting in it for about 5 min everything smells the same. haha. There weren't many nice shells to pick so I got 3 nice bracelets from the souvenier shop before we left and a towel that's purple and says 'REDANG' with little fish all over the place.

Another yucky thing is my camera didn't work... it ran out of battery before we left and I didn't have time to get a new one. Oh well, time to leech pictures off other people's digicams.

I also didn't get viva... so I think I'm definitely failing. I guess once in my life isn't such a bad thing :P

Rain, wash away these stains
That I no longer lay claim.
That hands on this clock,
Appear to have stopped.

Probable futures stand in my way.
Uncertain, I am stepping in
Each cactus patch imaginable.

Rose bushes sticking thorns
In every curve of my self.
My body is telling me
This is not right, but I am helpless.

I've just spent the better part of my day in front of the computer and wasting my life away on stupid computer games that I can't beat anyway. I spent the rest of my day staring into space and wondering what's making me feel this way. I just don't care. I want to care but I just don't. I think I'm not afraid of failing because I don't realize the consequences. But I've been through so many consequences that I'm getting used to being beat down with that giant rottan that God has. So I lay out the consequences in front of me. And still I feel... nothing. Not an inkling of disappointment, regret or even anger. Just a numbness that's so compelling that I can only wonder what will become of me in the future. I am not sad, not happy, not relieved that the exams are going to be over, not dreading the big 'YOU FAILED, YOU DIPSHIT' on my result slip, not thinking about how I will have to spend the next month studying again, not worrying that I won't pass... What the heck is happening to me? Could God please just give me a feeling? It's like I've just turned into a piece of scrap metal.

So I'm thinking that it's the things that's happened in the past 3 weeks or so that's giving me a brain bung. You know... like a big stopper that prevents anything from falling through. All the incidents leading up to now, I have never in my life thought would've happened. But those are exactly what Life, in general, likes throwing at us. In any case, I thought I had resolved them but since I'm still stuck in limbo now, I think maybe I haven't. I didn't sweep it under the carpet like I usually do, I talked it out with myself... forgave where was necessary to release burden that I shouldn't carry around with me, told myself it was mistake and mistakes happen and I should learn from them, and here I am. I suppose it's not as easy as that. I don't hurt and cry now, but I don't live either. I think I need a shrink, or some sort of counsellor. I'm calmly going mental. Isn't that ironic? Calmly and mental don't mix.

Everyone around me is in exam mode. They are studying and stressing about passing. I am sitting around and saying, "I'm going to fail anyway" and they go, "If you fail, I'll cut IT off". Looks like someone will have to, cause I'm definitely going down that road.

Belief is a very strong concept. I have an uncanny ability to believe in something so much that it'll happen. Of course it doesn't always work, but it's worked enough times during exams like spotting things that'll come up that has got a few people convinced. Today, I don't believe I will fail. I still don't have that in my head. However, from the unreliability of my brain and my fumbling hands, I might because of sheer evidence :P fact still strongly overtakes the intangible, no?

Close your eyes so you don't feel this/They don't need to see you cry.

One more day left before I can pretend that everything went well and relax because I pretend I deserve it. I suppose with all that's happened around me, this is understandable. But I am not accepting it as understandable. I know I could've done better, but why didn't I? I gave up at the worst of times, in the middle of papers and while having to think about something. My mind went into blank spasms and I wondered what I was doing there in the first place. I'm not smart. I'm just a memorizing machine... who's broken at the moment and can't remember anything. So the examinations are going to hell and I'm in a fiery chariot falling into that same chasm, on a straight course to crashing and burning. Here's to all those times everyone thought I was smart. I'm not.

I'm going to fail and I'm not doing anything about it. My mind refuses to be educated and I think there's something I'm not telling myself. I'm a mental basketcase who doesn't know she's got a problem.

Miracles

Posted by Marilyn comments (0)

Second day of exams...

If I pass, it's a miracle. I don't want to believe that I might fail. But I did too many things wrongly. Not because I didn't study but because I've got everything mixed up in my head. Nothing sticks to where it's supposed to be. And today's exam was just another repetition of yesterday's, if not worse. But I think it was worse. Actually, even if I did study like nuts... which I did... I wouldn't have done any better. You know why? I can't remember anything! So there... Looks like I won't be doing pilates anymore. Study study till my eyes pop out.

I think I'll stick my head in my cupboard and scream now. My head is empty and my spirit broken. Tomorrow I'll stand in front of the SP and the examiner and screw up. I'm already readying myself to see the fail mark in my result slip. And so life goes on.

Just got back from my SAQ paper. It wasn't a bad paper but I forgot alot of things. I don't have the usual brain ache I get after the exam, meaning I didn't use my brain much, or maybe I've just gotten used to having my brain strained. Either way, I made alot of mistakes and I'm thinking I could borderline pass... but I'm being optimistic. Tomorrow will be another written paper that I'll probably mess up. This is getting to be a recurrent theme. Mess up after mess up. Ugh. I'm tired of studying the same pieces of papers, but I also can't remember them. Bla di da.

Time for pictures. Maybe they'll be easier to bullshit through.

Nap time. I've not had a dream for a long time. Sleeping like the dead and not having dreams makes napping boring. Hope I don't sleep through my alarm again.

Hello world. Tomorrow I will walk into the exam hall and be the least confident of an exam I have ever been. I have spent the last month preparing for it. It will all go down the drain tomorrow. I am afraid and apathetic at the very same time. I've resigned to taking the resit and not having my holidays to relax. I've gone over my stuff again but in such a rush that everything is a blur and my head feels like mush. I don't know if I will breakdown in front of my paper tomorrow because I know I won't know squat. I'm going to sleep now because statistically that's supposed to help me do better. I suppose I even need statistical luck at this rate. And the 4 day stretch of brain strain will be over too quickly, then I will realize I could've answered alot of things correctly if only I had used my brain. But that's the story of everyone's life... Life would easier if we had a rewind-replay and a backspace button... or a very big eraser to make mistakes disappear.

The conflagration looms menacing over me... I am standing still to be struck.

It's 10pm... a few more hours I will be so stressed I'll start to pull out my hair and scratch at my head and wonder why I do this to myself. My brother just told me what I got for my last exam. I'm just glad I passed. Good news for the day. :P I think it's time I start studying more constantly... right...

The exams start Monday. I'm not ready, but here I am still posting a blog. I'm left with a gazillion lectures notes to finish by Sunday night and a gazillion pictures to memorize before Tuesday. Oh joy. The only consolation is Redang the night my exams finish. There won't be time to wonder if I did anything else wrong and at least there's a different place to blow off steam. ergh... even the 5 days are a long wait... sigh... back to the lecture notes. Time seems to be passing slower today. Imagined extension of study time... haha... I'm growing more delusional as this paragraph lengthens... no sleep tonight... too much to do so I can sleep tomorrow before going into the exam hall. I know I'm going to feel like a lamb trudging in to be slaughtered, and so willingly... :P

Today I'm in a good mood. But I'm also stressed out beyond belief. Exams are next week, and I'm not ready! I'm looking at my notes and I know my stuff but I just can't seem to recall anything when it comes to questions. So maybe I don't really know my stuff. Ugh! And every morning I wake up with a bad back and aches all over the place. I'm hoping the Pilates I take when I get back home will help. I'm thinking about learning the drums too... but I know I'd be too lazy when I get back. :P

You know what? People who are exs can't be friends. Not normal ones anyway. Certainly not when one person still harbours hopes. It pisses me off. It pisses me off so much I don't know what to say besides #%$&#*@^#%$&%*^ Ok, so that doesn't mean anything. It is always easier to disappear. So I think it best I disappear.

I'm hungering for attention. I'm a wild flower with no sun. I'm also a drama queen. Ugh. I'm such a softy.

Falling out of love is like going into withdrawal. I've been through it too many times. The worst time is the second night when I realize all the mistakes I did and everything that could've been done different. I'm in withdrawal. Symptoms: Bouts of anguish followed by bouts of feeling like I shouldn't bother, looking at couples and wishing I could be back where I was, sitting around and staring into space, thinking of reasons to think myself out of these feelings, sighing whenever something reminds me, etc. Treatment: Time passing by.

At least there's a cure for these things.

Today I woke up thinking about all my ventures. The first two didn't count because they were puppy loves. The third one cheated on me and I left. I cheated on the fourth one and I left. We cheated on each other in the fifth one and I finally left. And finally when I didn't love anyone else but my fifth one, he left. Actually, I'm not the pretty girl everyone leaves like I thought I was. I just get my heartbroken each time because I put all of myself into each. Sheesh, I'm a failure when it comes to this. Oh well, as you were soldier. Time to move on. Again.

9th July 2005

7.30pm
I'm at a cousins' party. Everyone here is at least 5 years younger than I am, except my uncle and aunt. I feel old. I've got my lecture notes with me and my only saving grace is the Simple Plan cd playing in the stereo. Someone once told me I'd feel old when I hit twenty. Actually, I don't feel any different. I'm still unsure of myself most times and more often than not I'm worried I'll never become an adult, that my naive mistakes will keep cycling through and before I know it I'll still be alone when I'm 50. I might look the way I look but honestly, it doesn't matter. Nope, it doesn't.

9.00pm
Never pass up a free meal. I ate till I was ready to burst. I caught people staring while I made my walk to and fro the food table. I like shocking people, but lately I've shocked even myself. I'm becoming poor for reasons other than food and shopping so I'm glad I've got home-cooked food in my stomach and am going to sleep in a house with a real family in it. It's been a while since I felt part of something.

10.30pm
I'm struck by another panic attack. This time there is nothing to hold on to. I am helpless and there are no sticks to keep my hands busy. There is no one I can talk to. I'm stuck.

The day is ending and a warm yellow glow is enveloping this place. It reminds me of old pictures and old memories. This is not a melancholic swipe at time. I miss being a little girl. I grew up too fast, but of course I didn't listen to anyone when they told me that before. I have pictures of me when I was younger. There's one of me standing on a little wooden stand in a playground. I must've been 3 or 4. I don't remember the moment. I do remember the moments after that. We had lunch and it was a clubhouse by the beach. It's a fragile memory that dissolves if I try to clear out the blurred edges.

There was a time in kindergarten when I went to play with the birds instead of going straight back to class after making a short trip to the loo. The teacher called me in and hit me on the hand with a wooden ruler, twice. It wasn't the pain that I remember most. It was the humiliation. But I don't cringe when I look back at that time. I just think, how simple life was.

It's now a reddish-orange and that reminds me of home when I'm looking out my room window thinking how the sky is God's canvas and how I never get tired of admiring a sunset. I'm not homesick though. Just missing little moments in time.

Old habits are difficult to break. Even something as simple as a cup of coffee in the morning. I'm breaking so many old habits I'm beginning to think I'm not myself anymore. My phone is silent most of the day and I don't pick it up much. I still imagine I hear it ringing, but instead of running to see I sit still hoping for the moment to pass without temptations to check... because I know it didn't ring. A habit broken. I know I'm paranoid. I give good advice but don't follow them myself. My thoughts are in boxes instead of all over the place like they'd use to be. And I sigh whenever something reminds me and swallow yet another rock, instead of seeking refuge in another one of my escapades. I'm choosing to face everything and be inflicted till I don't feel anything anymore. Except for what's in a box on top of my cupboard. That I am not ready for.

Put on my pjs and hop into bed/I'm half alive but I've been mostly dead/I try and tell myself it'll be all right/I shouldn't think anymore tonight.

Band-Aid

Posted by Marilyn comments (1)

Weak stick, I'm a bad
Dick,
When it comes to endings.


Rip it, I'll scream

.......Bloody

..............Murder.


(Shut it), my hands
Are
Bound... free.

What wings? I've had
Them
Burnt.

Jack stack, I'm a
M a s o c h i s t hack;
.......Licking slick,
.......on a band-aid hand.


..............Slow trick, of a
.......Sleight of sick -
I am the
.............Murderer's Man.

Being alone in the house ain't good for health. I don't know how hermits do it. That's how people go nuts. Morning sunshine keeps me sane but it's the nights that I can't take. It's just like my sense of control sets with the sun. I'm having my morning coffee and thinking about how my day is going to repeat. I'm looking forward to getting my exams out of the way. I'm looking forward to blowing off steam with my friends at the beach. I'm looking forward to going back to my old room and my brother. Home and my brother, that's concrete. Even going back home is a good change of pace.

It's funny how I take extra notice of what's going on around me when I'm feeling like this. Like when I'm walking out to get some grub, I think... It's so easy to just decide to walk off a roof or jump in front of a car. But I'm being morbid. Really it's just the radio just played a song I thought really suited the situation. It's not one I've never heard before and it's not one of those songs that mean anything... I don't even know the title but only these words stick...

All of those words, they don't mean shit now. All the presents, might as well throw 'em out. All of those kisses, don't mean a thing now.

Funny how that happens.

Words and feelings are too transient. I need something concrete.

Toy

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I am the torn-up toy in the corner,
The ugly girl doll,
The pretty girl without the brains,
The good-for-nothing bum.

Rise again to face another day,
Dirtied by yesterday's mistakes,
We'll always be able to endure,
More than we think we can, or
Want to.

It's the afternoon and time is passing me by. I'm going to watch 'Desperate Housewives' while I go through my stuff, again. I keep going over the same things and they keep dissipating in my head. And it's not like I don't understand them. I just keep forgetting. ARGH!

I've come to the conclusion that blogging is for people who don't have people to talk to. I have people to talk to but I choose not to whine to them too much. People don't like listening to it for too long or too many times.

Brain don't fail me now.

I can't remember anything! It's like my memory got erased and it's not doing anything for my morale that I'm not in the best of moods. I'm struck with moments of pure helplessness and then suddenly it becomes frustration at the world for throwing me into chaos again. Now I'm typing instead of studying. Gosh, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to calm myself down but coffee's not a good thing to have. I want to sleep it all away but that's being unrealistic. I can't make up my mind whether to push myself further or just keep going at this pace. I know I'm capable of more but...

I just don't want to fail. I have enough bad news to last me for a long time.

I could never figure out why I lose weight when I'm down. It's just as if being sad takes up all the excess energy I had that day. So, I'm losing weight, even though I'm eating a little more than I normally would. And all this studying is making my head hurt and I'm not sure if I can remember everything. It makes me anxious. When I'm gaining weight again, I know I'm finally happy. For now, I'm trying not to disappear. It's scary when even my friends begin to notice how spindly my legs are beginning to be, and the nice tight pair of jeans I just bought are looking drab against me. Or maybe I'm just scaring myself.

I'm a lost sheep. Save me.

So I wait for the sun to meet me
Rueful moon smile ever so sadly
I'm the victim of circumstances
I so readily conjure.

And these metal bars can't hold me
Only these feelings do.

My mind can do convulsions
Psychadelic swirls of doped-up
Anger,
Fury,
Injustice.

But I've never been one to make a fist.
Each thorn, stone, sword
I have taken.
Begging to be inflicted
Again and again.
As if repetition kept me alive.

Sadness and boredom played evil tricks
On a happy mind, once
Like mine.

That I could not undo my own chains
Is unforgiveable.
That I can only sit and watch
As each one turns their back
To walk away into another black light.
And the silence that ensues
When realization sets in
When Sandmen desert me and only water
Water stains my hands, and face
Even now, there is no water.
Oh, favoured friend you are not welcome.

The little girl in my heart
Is beaten
For being so young.

My bruised hands speak only
Of grasping too violently
For more time.

The last traces of a person are the most difficult to erase. They are the memories, the sounds, the scents, the intangibles that are most precious. Throw out a box of gifts... so sad how time can fit in a box, but your mind is forever stained. And I've never been able to throw things out. I suppose it's time I change even that. Stop carrying burdens I don't need and don't hold precious anymore. But I'm left with this one box I cannot throw out. It is too precious.

I'm thinking of moving on, but I'm afraid everything will turn out exactly the same.

The scene keeps playing in my head, each time with a different happier ending. That something else could've been said, or done or not said or not done. But wishful thinking never got me anywhere.

So I let go off pain for now because I cannot invest my time in it. So I have to begin forgiving myself for all the things I'd done wrong, and remember not to do them again. They're just things I've got to do. I still can't change the fundamentals. The memories stick like super glue.

It is a sad day when two people have to say goodbye. It is a sad day when all that you hold important and dear is wrenched away. It is a sad day when you realize it was all done for your own good but cannot accept it. I cannot say how sad it makes me. It would make a leak I am trying to dam burst through and then I am not sure if I can return.

Exams coming up soon. I am behind. Half of me doesn't want to care anymore. The other half is the part that's always pulled me through times like these. But that half isn't very dominant now. My mind is not in my work most days. I can only hope that things go the right way from now on.

Back to work. And I'm back at zero.

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