Change Of Heart

Foghorns

2011-03-13T20:06:00.001+13:00

This is a fog lifting
The ships are docking
And the quiet of morning
Calm waters of yearning, over

The little boats partnered
And the men are reeling their nets
Catch of the day
In the bag

Yellow tinge over everything
Swallow calls inviting
Warm cooked meals
Of their wives
Comforting

Metamorphosis

2011-03-13T20:03:00.002+13:00

In the space between
There is no longer a space
No loud noises to dirty the light
The remnants of yesterday
A history

Because of him, darkness is not scary
Night embraces the arms
Cricket sounds calm the senses
Black queit is no longer
White noise

And all the before
Was just a journey to
Invent this person into
That caterpillar
A butterfly

A year passes so easily
But the comfort makes
The flight, special
There is no more an I
How could there be

Music, music in the air
Always there
A ting tinkle, trinkle
Imaginary space
Filled

Completeness would be an
Understatement
Oh, oh, no words
Would be
Enough

And the new year begins...

2011-01-20T17:37:00.003+13:00

Year 2 as a house surgeon... is not different than Year 1. You get a bit more confident. You know the workings of the hospital. You learn a few more tricks.

The same jokes get told at the coffee table. But they never get old... especially when all your friends are doctors too. And no one else finds them funny, because they don't understand the jargon or the culture. It seems like we're a different breed of person, now that I'm a doctor.

It feels weird. To finish med school, get through the years then suddenly bam start work, bam a whole year has passed by. Time to get a move on the career path, time to take on more responsibility. I don't feel like an adult. But I have adult responsibilities. In my heart of hearts, I still defer to my parents. But nowadays, they are deferring to me. I'm not so sure I'm giving the right advice sometimes. It is nice to know they are loosening the reigns.

My brother appears to be making good progress in med school and life. I'm glad.

I miss my friends in KL. Looking forward to seeing them again. In 9 days. But before that, I have a week of night calls. My first set of night on-call. I dread the call where I don't know what to do and freeze. ABC ABC, call the reg now. Adrenaline rush a brush. I hate it when I come to the ward and everyone somehow breathes a relief that 'the doctor is here'. I'm only 26. I'm only a baby in a ward with 99 year olds. And I can't restrain a violent patient. I'll even need the nurse to administer the IM haldol (because I'll probably stick myself in the process)

And now for a few photos ;P

Caving with Jamie's family

Possum hunting with my parents

Staying at a super farmstay in Rotorua

Me and Jamie post-graduation. We brought my grandma to her first pub crawl - to one pub. Hehe

We gave Biggie away because we've move to a house without a plot of lawn. He's traded up, now grown so fat enough to sprain his leg, needed pig physio because he's too fat and has a girlfriend. Long live the Notorious P. I. G. :)

reinvention

2010-05-16T16:40:00.002+12:00

so graduation's done. gown and hat and walking that stage under my proud parents' and grandma's eyes. i remember again that i am not just one person and that i am a petal in this family's flower garden. i remember i am not alone and am grateful.

she ran for miles to know

stop and go slow

there's only everything left

to see

another year

While I was away...

2010-01-04T19:47:00.006+13:00

Obviously I haven't update much in a while. And since I've recently added lots of pictures on my facebook, I shall add something to this dusty ol' blog of mine for anyone who still reads this. ;P . in the time i haven't updated,

I graduated... but the grad ceremony won't be till beginning of may. we had a qualifying ceremony instead

we also had a grad ball. i got my dress the day before the ball.

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no more vices aside from alcohol. been successful so far.

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i have a pink motorcycle helmet. and a harley leather vest. j has a road-worthy dirt bike.

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i went to wellington with the boy, J, to get letter of good conduct. it was a good loonnnggg drive. we went to the zoo and the museum. it was fun =)

this is the beehive parliament building

this is a map on the floor in the museum

these are two giraffes

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this is me on a boat, trout fishing. we didn't get any fish, unfortunately

fishing was at lake taupo. not wellie ;P

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we had a bbq for the newbies starting work

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then one of the classmates had a house warming, and i got them to do the cake blowing thing since it was j's birthday that week as well. however, he later told me that i accidentally sent him one of the texts... but he disregarded it. he says he was surprised. and he did look the part.

this would be the cake. man keat helped me get it. so that it would be a surprise. however, due to j's fashionably lateness i got quite anxious that we wouldn't get to the housewarming in time to cut his cake before everyone was properly wasted.

the remaining imu PGY1 in hamilton minus tracy

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j wanting to sell his set minus the cds. if anyone's interested haha. there are two speakers, the other one was at the shop. everything's working. proceeds go to a led zeppelin tattoo

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i got a ps3, j got me band hero for christmas and dj hero for himself.

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j and i got a pig. He is our flintstone food disposal system and grass cutter. He also makes a lot of poop. we call him Biggie or The Notorious P.I.G. or Christopher Wallace. He really likes chocolate, strawberries and pellets. and will let you rub his belly if you pet him the right way. i bathe him so he's a clean little piggie. and he will try to snap up chocolate milk or yoghurt if you have it in your hand. you don't want to get between Biggie and his chocolate. He's still a little boy and starting to get aggressive with us. we're still thinking of ways to train him.

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i'm going to get older. new year's eve was quiet with dinner out and falling asleep before 12. and then working on new year's day. poo. somehow i didn't mind so much. i suppose it wasn't as if i had more things i wanted to do. i wonder what i'll get for my birthday ;P

rope in the monkey

2009-11-11T00:09:00.002+13:00

stepped up to a plate
sandy wind in my face
then it wasn't something new
i knew the game

surprise surprise
someone ran a thread
in the needle
and a ray of light flickered

cracked of a bat
but i've already heard
he runs a perfect
again and again

i am surprised

playground

2009-07-17T16:56:00.003+12:00

squish a bit of sand in a hand. pull a weed. wind cool breeze. sound of swinging glee. whee. run as fast as these legs will go. fall fall. scrap a knee. salty lips. lick the iron tinge. throb throb. pick a toy, a colourful toy. no, this won't do, it hurts the fingers too. throw. no, no one else can pick the same. toy belongs to the ground. give me. i picked first, go pick some other. give it back. tire of the colour. this toy can fall. to the ground. where it belongs. leave it be. bedtime stories now. a sea of toys in tow. pick one up, hands full. put a colour down. sleep, sleep calls. where does the toy go now?

red

2009-07-16T23:59:00.002+12:00

pop goes the lights fantastic
trip a little fall alot
pale on flush of pink red ink
till the haze aglow in synch

peel back those lids
seal down those lips
paint up dirty wordsmith
sew sew sew submissive

pass the salt now clockwise
join the rocking mass
pull a heart string jagged
jack them bare legged

point a crooked finger
ill conceived deliver
passive act asunder
inside this sea come hither

frazzle haze go away

clarity indeed

2009-07-12T15:40:00.002+12:00

very suddenly there's so much to think about
and having to be objective
not much surprises me anymore
but i'm surprised with the clarity
i spoke too soon when i said there was no more emo-crap
to emo about
but it's not really emo-ing is it when i'm being objective

interesting

so i ran into some drama

these last few weeks

and i realized some things

1. working it through with a practical head makes everything a whole lot easier
2. consider your options and decide based on the pros and cons, leaving emotions out of it
3. i'm more willing to cut my losses and move rather than stagnating
4. sometimes there is just no good option
5. there will always be a very thin line between love and hate
6. my gut instincts on people is usually right
7. i don't tend to follow my gut instincts though
8. i don't get angry, i just deal with it
9. these bouts of clarity don't last for long
10. (just to make it a round number) boys are all the same

uf, i need a nap

Nothing like diathermied flesh in the morning

2009-07-03T19:32:00.007+12:00

Uf, haven't blogged in forever. Site hits have hit an all time low. this blogging business is falling off. nuffing very exciting to say. and since there's just been cryptic emo crap i won't go into that again. not much cryptic emo crap happening at the mo anyways. which is a very good thing. hamilton has been quite cold. my down duvet and egyptian sheets are keeping me warm and happy enough. surgery is keeping me busy. and i've been occupied. plus, my laptop's been on the fritz. refuses to let the driver for my wifi get installed. which means i can't go online wirelessly from my room. which means i'm online less. which means i don't go unnecessarily bothering myself with unnecessary concerns and communications. this going off the internet has been doing very positive things for my psyche.

just some pictures to catch up anyone who's still trying to look out for updates. they say more than words would anyway. i got a new camera... (well not new anymore) so i finally have pictures of my own to put up =P

this be my mom, at KLIA while i'm waiting to get on my flight back to aucks

me and and the rents at the dessert shop

when i got back i cooked up the boys a nice dinner to celebrate me coming home. i made them dress up for dinner ;)

and we had wine. and my cloth made an appearance also

and took silly pictures

thomas didn't want to wear pants. he had shorts on under the table

and zhi yuen surprised me by actually wearing his blazer too

i made chicken with cashews and leek stove top stuffing. it doesn't look so good but it was yum. take my word for it

this is kinda backwards but i made pumpkin soup from scratch for starters. the boys helped with the pumpkin slaughtering. pumpkins are difficult things to chop up. and then we had cream puffs and jelly for dessert. because i got lazy =P

then we went up to auckland to go to khang hee, sui ling, stephanie and jen xin's housewarming. carrie was there too =)

i wore my fake eyelashes

food in hamilton is actually quite good. some others have said iguana's not good but i went with thomas and man keat and it was gewd. vanilla creme brulee is yummy

i'd like a kitchen like that at home

and then one of the weeks i went up to auckland and got a hair cut. toni&guy again. i think i'll be a fan of the franchise for a long time.

the stylist did a good job saving my dye job so that it'd look like i got it redyed with the cut.

then lina was in town. so we went out

we went to bungalow

it was surprisingly kinda empty. but we still had a good time

we also had a 'high fashion' party. but i think we had too much to drink. well, i had too much to drink. and out of all the photos we took, only this one came out acceptable >_<

i think the boys did better with the posing for pics

and then one week we went up to auckland to david's birthday too. a whole bunch of us went out for malaysian food.

class dinner. moi and tess =)

and i had to take a photo with bridget. because we both love shoes

the food was ok. but it was nice catching up with people :) and it's real boring just sitting around at home all the time.

yep, that's pretty much all i've been doing. and trying to be a useful trainee intern on the surgical team. the busy is good :)

panic

2009-02-08T17:58:00.002+13:00

most of my days are calm now. except for the occasional hiccups. and i am a drifter. i stop when i see the big truck's headlights approaching. stop short in my tracks. frozen with fear and uncertainty. i stopped scratching a long time ago. the itch is no longer an itch. and i am an interesting person as you get to know me but damaged goods don't come without the excess baggage. because that is the only way to learn from mistakes. to carry them with you.

disassociating. cold shower panic. i stop now because i used to run into the headlights. i think that's an improvement.

Happy Chinese New Year :)

2009-01-24T13:16:00.002+13:00

I'm excited :) because lina's coming back and because it's the new year again. some really difficult lessons learnt at the end of the rat year that. but i suppose it had to be done. and all in such a short span of time. it tested the change. i could easily have relapsed. but i didn't. and we all thought better of some people. the series of unfortunate events unfolded and it feels like this was all a preconceived plan. i find organized religion impossible to follow but the higher power appears to have been wrapping this up for a while now.

on a total tangent, i've been meeting too many people who know people i know. the world is really too freaking small.

I fell but i've dusted myself off

Died-ed

2009-01-16T23:49:00.002+13:00

it died. so very suddenly. on a sunday afternoon. a swift lifting so obvious i was surprised. not even a hole left behind to fill. because there shouldn't have been anything there in the first place. i'd made that space for someone who couldn't care for it. for a long time, i thought it was supposed to be a gradual thing. the business of burning flowers. i was blind and would prostrate myself at the altar.

never again.

i always say the day i stop crying is the day i stop caring. didn't think it'd actually come true.

fuiyo!

2009-01-15T17:19:00.003+13:00

bah, tani dah ngaleh. indada lagi.

woah. what?

2009-01-15T11:54:00.002+13:00

speechless.

good morning world

2009-01-14T11:21:00.002+13:00

i woke up this morning feeling fine until a big splash of cold filled my chest. but that's okay. it can only be expected. there is a feeling of freedom. after a long drawn out battle. even though i lost. but freedom still. and i have not wasted anymore tears on this. so hello world, i'm doing pretty good here.

for today

2009-01-14T01:04:00.002+13:00

GG. i bow down in awe. for all the technicalities. not even a hint of stain on those hands. respect.

poof

2009-01-13T07:18:00.002+13:00

just as suddenly as it all started. poof. and in all that blazing glory, i shall burn those final flowers. but in case i should not be allowed to bear witness, it will be alright. this door can be closed now. i can say i tried.

confucius say

2009-01-12T01:37:00.003+13:00

be still. be calm. there is only accepting now. a lesson has been taught. let the cleaning commence. exorcise the spirits. there is an end in sight. embrace. i am changed. it wouldn't have been this quiet otherwise.

ouch

2009-01-11T15:03:00.003+13:00

i learnt a very difficult lesson. just that. ouch.

enough

2009-01-10T13:40:00.002+13:00

there was only so much i could take. it's okay. it just became too ridiculous. this is as far as i can go.

both feet in

2009-01-05T20:22:00.001+13:00

without the cloud of drama, it's obvious a large portion needs to be rewritten

reinvention

2009-01-04T23:20:00.001+13:00

it's to the moon or bust. anyway.

that was then...

2008-12-02T04:43:00.002+13:00

reading old mails, because i have the time and because there's no new mail =P i'm bad with keeping in touch. just bad. i drop the once in a blue moon message and then will fall off the face of the earth unless something else crops up. and i'm bad with birthdays too, although a few birthdays i never forget. it's just not my thing to remember them on the day though. i remember them a few days in advance instead which is quite silly because i end up forgetting anyway. ditzy.

this end bit of the year has been funny for me. been kicked around alot by karma. i'm blaming karma. and my own innate bimbo-ness. it's not pseudo bimboness this time. it's outright pure bimboism. ish. nevermind nevermind, i passed 5th year.

anyway, back to these old mails.

squander she, those carefree words

every re-visit to find other vulnerable threads

those finger tips gushed a yearning

she was blind to

only to whimper scream injustice

at the sudden withdrawal

then began the simultaneous search

ever since

only now to see/hear/know a different

picture from those words

painted like a wall, this time

impenetrable

Aurora!

2008-11-26T12:41:00.003+13:00

I bumped into William (who's now the style director at Toni&Guy) at zouk on saturday night (the night i got into kl) and he was really surprised to see me. haha. we caught up some and he said come get a haircut anytime, my number's still the same. of course i was ecstatic (that aside from finally being able to experience again the club scene in sweet ol' kl). so i called 2 days later and went into dusty smoky town with the smog-filled sky (that i so dearly missed). william's gotten really fast and quite good at the haircutting. ricky (the colour technician) checked that i was okay with going nuts on my hair and said he was going to give me a red band round the back of my head and a few other colours round the front. colour tech and stylist discussed the future/fate of my hair and soon half my head was getting bleached. wuhahah.

like so. if it had been left that way i'd look like some jap girl with a whole lot of bleached hair. no no no. =P

we were talking loads while all the cutting and bleaching was taking place but once it got to the more complicated colours ricky stopped talking for a while. hehe. he said this is when a technician really enjoys his work. normal clients just don't have the balls for the art. this is one side. the red at the partition bit in front got done using a 'melting' technique. apparently you have to let the colour sit at the roots and then run it down with water later. this would be how i usually part my hair.

the theme for my hair this time is the aurora. you can't quite see the matt colours on this side but there's purple, blue and green on there. this is the fringe swung to the opposite side. the other 'few' colours would be on here.

this is the other side of the pic before this one.

and this be the back

and then when it was done (i got to the salon at 1.30), it was 7pm. time does fly when you're getting your hair done =P another funky job well done by the boys at toni&guy =)) !

Nubcaek

2008-11-18T13:52:00.004+13:00

so i was supposed to leave for brunei last saturday. but lo and behold, half an hour before the shuttle was due at 2am, a cold shudder overtook my body. my passport, my passport. we were waiting in kit chung's (who was himself out for the night) house for the shuttle because we'd given up our house and couldn't wait in it. i thought i put it into my handbag. i'd taken it out that very afternoon and placed it on a table. then saw it again and put it back in my handbag. or didn't i? it played over and over in my head. i couldn't have packed it away. i couldn't have thrown it away. who throws or packs away a passport?...

then came the flurry of looking into my handbag, which isn't very big at all. emptied it out. no, nothing. not there. na da. okay okay i last saw it in the afternoon. it was there. i didn't leave the house, it should be somewhere nearby. i looked through my bag, the boys looked through my bags. 3 TIs looking into 3 bags. and could not find a passport. the boys looked through their bags. still nothing. the shudder became a realization that i might not be leaving auckland at all.

it could've been in one of the boxes that i was packing up that afternoon. but the boxes had gone off to storage. maybe it was in one of the boxes. but it was too late to go to storage. maybe it's still in the house. call apartment manager. who cares that it's 1.30am in the morning. this is an emergency. look in house. nothing. it's spotless. no trace of a red little book. so insignificant yet the ticket to my freedom.

frick. panic fills my heart. a strange electric sensation fills the skin and turns it cold and hot at the same time. the afternoon's happenings play over and over in my head. but there are gaps in my memory. could it be in one of these lost moments that i misplaced my passport?

what should i do? who should i call? call kit chung (i suppose the funny thing is i didn't think about calling my dad first haha). kit chung will know what to do. in my mind, kit chung is mr. know what to do in any situation. a flustered and very distressed marilyn calls dr. wong who tells her to calm down and asks if she's looked everywhere. he confirms that it's not possible to fly without the passport and there's nothing she can do unless she finds that passport. but no, it's nowhere to be found. dr. wong says delay the shuttle, he'll try to think of a way out.

call dad. maybe he has a magic trick up his sleeve. dad asks the same questions. have you looked here and there and in all the pockets? yes, i wouldn't have called otherwise. dad says keep looking. delay the shuttle or something. but the shuttle is here already. mom asks the same questions... have you looked here or there or in your bag. how could you be so careless...

the shuttle comes. the 3 TIs board the van and throughout the journey i explain over and over again on the phone to my parents that i've looked everywhere. this is not helping. i'm helpless and there is nothing i can do.

arrive at the airport. look once more. ask at the counter what i can do. lady says to talk to the rba rep. i look through my bags for the millionth time, hoping against hope that 3 TIs were blind enough not to have found it before. no success. defeated, i lug my stuff to the counter and tell the man... i have lost my passport. i need to change the flight. can you help me? he tells me there is a charge for it. but since it's saturday i'll have to call reservations on monday to change things. but to call the embassy first so i'll know what date to change my flight to.

the boys check in and i'm left sitting tired and distraught waiting for a miracle. they come to me and we look once more... nothing again. i sms kit chung to say i'm not flying and that i need a place to crash. he says come come, of course you can stay. they walk me to the shuttle van and i go home. the shuttle driver used to be a singaporean and he is talkative. i let him prattle on about how stressful singapore is. really, i'm too tired to care. so at 4.30am in the morning kit chung comes downstairs to get me and i sleep. kit chung's house is full of people. kevinjit, kapil and me and the next day his younger brother too and all our stuff as well. it's cramped up but all the flatties are nice enough to welcome us anyway. they are studying for 4th exams which are this thursday... it was so nice of them...

morning comes and i explain my story over and over again to people i meet. why are you still here? i lost my passport. (i'm not distressed anymore. there is now a plan or the makings of one. i don't get stressed when there's a plan... my parents were more worried than i was or am...) nothing i can do now till monday anyway...

but one of the flatties has a number i can call on the weekend to ask for help. and lucky too coz that saved me alot of time. otherwise it would've been me needing to wait for application forms to come my way from wellington and then only being able to make the appointment to go to wellington to get an emergency travel document.

i look into storage twice more with no luck. time to make a police report. the police man is nice and says it's so common. 2min later i'm out of the station and walking home. this is sunday.

monday comes and it's making calls day. i wait till after lunch time and the contact comes through for me. i have an appointment for thursday which is excellent. i make some other calls and insurance says they'll cover me. i change my ticket and get a flight for saturday. so i'm going to kl instead now. i can only fly to my home country. i suppose it's fate... or carelessness.

thank goodness for friends who come through for friends. so very grateful... don't lose your passport. it's a hassle you can live without.

coming back for seconds

2008-11-14T01:38:00.003+13:00

spent too much time waiting
then too much time without
only to forget what a waste it is
to

stop running
stop being a free spirit
stop waiting

always this waiting...

so we went south... and we're still here

2008-11-06T01:07:00.028+13:00

I'm south, rambling around the place and creating havoc on the roads =P timothy, zhi yuen, man keat, thomas and yours truly travelled south for the week and we're at the backpackers' at the moment. i figured it'd be a good time to blog since there's internet and i just know i won't do any blogging of these pictures when i get back because i'll be too busy trying to pack up to go back to brunei on the 15th. on the 15th!! it's so near now, and kl, oh sweet city, we're so close to being reunited!

so pictures =) very very long blog post. lots of pictures. took me several days to get them loaded onto the post. slow yha internet. haha.

eating at the airport in auckland. mmm mcd breakfast =)

big snowcapped moutain from the airplane. looks like an enormous pimple to me

waiting at the airport for the rental car people to give us a ride to the depot to get the car

first rental car

we were so impressed with the telephone box we had to stop and take photos in it.

YHA christchurch. we stayed at YHAs throughout the whole trip

some people doing capoweira to other people playing music. they were doing it slow mo but it was still fun to watch. while we ate our slouvakis out in the sun =)

the bridge of remembrance.

we met up with ra nae and she brought us to the gardens. there are three versions of this picture. apparently this one was the best one. but it looks dated and i look old. ack.

according to this stick i'm about 165cm tall

my favourite flowers are wild daisies but this rose is pretty too =)

we went to disturb chow trying to study in the comp lab. he looked very stressed

that's us mucking around at the front entrance of otago medical school

then we decided to have a little roll around in the grass at the art school

i could stop laughing after this photo. jap girl with massive eyes. haha

we spent quite a long time just taking photos in the quad of the art school. it's very pretty in there.

otago university is way prettier than auckland =P

it was man keat's birthday so we went out to eat expecting at least some things to be open. but the streets were empty and quiet. we tried looking for an open place to eat at 11 at night. and almost nothing was open except for a 'sticky fingers'. which was good anyway because they had very yummy pizza =)

and then took turns being squashed in a red phone box.

and again

veily silly ah

we went to see the cathedral. it's hard to miss since it's right smack in the middle of everything

i lit a candle, hoping we all pass our 5th year exams =P

super duper pipe organs

looking back at the doorway

a choir was practising while we were at the church. the church had good acoustics

that's the man who played the pipes. i'd feel very powerful.

big sperm in the church square. it's supposed to be art. can't quite remember what it's supposed to represent, aside from being a humungous sperm.

walking the 134 steps up the church tower

top of the tower

coming down the tower

we visited ra nae while we were in christchurch. she brought us to the copenhagen bakery. omg, best smoked salmon bagel i've ever had. *salivate* for most of the trip i've just been eating. it makes me happy =P and fat.

rental car number 2. none of us knew how to put snowchains on the tyres so i learnt something new that day.

the sign on a rental van

i thought having a car spray painted with the reservoir dogs is cool.

pak 'n' save christchurch has self check out terminals now. if you don't put your item into the bag the machine nags you to put it in and won't proceed to let you check out more. we stopped by to get supplies for the rest of the journey

the people who rented the reservoir dogs van were having a picnic in the pak 'n' save car park in front of their van. i found that quite strange.

this is my new favourite cheese. it smells like salted fish but doesn't taste like it. it's nutty like emmental (my previous most favourite cheese)

that's me eating my salted fish smelling cheese. it's good! i don't know why the boys don't like it as much as i do.

we got out to much around by this field filled with yellow flowers

getting bored in the car. this is my apple seller face. 'would like an apple?' haha

the best seat in the backseat is the middle seat

i like taking photos =) so do the boys

just driving into lake tekapo. it was a really small place... only one grocery store and barely anything else. but it did have a jap restaurant and a whole lot of jap tourists

this isn't quite in chronological order. zhi yuen on one of his morning photo taking walks by the lake.

Looking out onto lake tekapo. i'm standing behind thomas trying to make him look like a teapot =P

once we got a little more organized. i look like i'm ready to kick into a musical song with a cane, heels, lotsa kicking and tap dancing.

Church of the Good Shepard. it's a quaint little church facing the lake. killer view from the inside. it shares the same lion symbol thingy as that found on the bridge of remembrance. i found that interesting. felt a little da vinci co

this is the window at the back of the church facing the lake.

this be the view from the inside. amazing. i would stick around in church longer with a view like this. heehee

i made the boys lamb salad with hummus and mint jelly that night. made a little bit too much coucous though.

we went stargazing that night. apparently the town around lake tekapo has sodium street lamps and the residents have to face all their lights down so that there's minimal light pollution. i got to see venus, jupiter, the tarantula nebula, the moon and a bunch of other things through 3 telescopes. it was fun =) and now i know where capricorn is in the sky.

and then everyone was stuffed and happy. like this cat =) it got a lot of love from us 5 while we were there.

i was wiped out too. was trying to read the front bit of p.s. i love you but didn't get past knowing that the husband died and that he'd made a list of things for his wife to do after he died.

flowers by the lake just outside the hostel

more of zhi yuen's handy work

For a lot of people, zhi yuen is a serious and reserved fellow. the truth is, he is a poser.

and he's gotten it down to an art

because he takes his own pictures

while pretending to walk away into the beautiful scenery. haha =P

then it was off to mt cook to hopefully glacier kayak

I was kinda pooped from laughing so much in the car. everytime someone made a strange noise (and it'd almost always be me) someone else would continue with another silly noise and suddenly we're breaking out into the 'in the jungle' song, complete with the ah wim ba weh and tu du du du tu du du du du and in the jungle the mighty jungle in spontaneous unison. it was awesome. but really quite alot of work =P

Cloudy day views from the car

Long lonely highways

With silly people standing in the middle of them

This is our car ad for subaru. it's a nice car but it takes forever to pick up

a rainbow to welcome us to mt cook =)

Tramping at Hooker Valley... yeah, Hooker Valley =P

it snowed the next day we were at mt cook. so no glacier kayaking. first time i saw snowfall. i was so excited!

I was not really dressed for the weather but wasn't too frazzled. Didn't get too wet nonetheless =) That's a lake and those are some mountains with snow on them =P

That's them there again, without me spoiling the picture

Zhi Yuen on one of his lone walks =)

More pictures to come. it's the last day of our trip but there are still lots of pictures from mt cook, queenstown and milford sound bits to show =)

starlight

2008-10-19T02:04:00.001+13:00

oh to fall
i forget, this feeling
because it's too old
repeated like a movie
and the seasons keep changing

one more drink, for the road
another light at the end
of the tunnel
that's never-ending

my hands sport lines
like a cheetah
sand stained nails
claw at those stereotypes

some days i'm red
chameleon green
a touch of gold and a cross
then i fall to earth

we all falter
at those crossroads
playing the strings by ear
pretending

stereotypes

2008-09-26T17:39:00.002+12:00

younger brothers, church goers, clean.

should i break the trend or break my habits...

suddenly it feels like i could give it up

because i've been muddied up enough

and i'm tired of the same story repeating

he showed up in a strange place

doe-eyed boy

2008-08-27T15:34:00.002+12:00

spit in faith's face
as we all do with grace
in vain, call out her name
then shake free her hand
sing praises to love
bound by a latex glove
only to turn
to watch her burn

spit in faith's face
we all do it with grace

bloodlust

2008-08-25T02:02:00.003+12:00

Picture copyright Mark Ryden

just skinonskinonskinonskin
piled together in a plastic bin
wield the knife, quick thrust
then blame the bloodlust

faceless bodies in the wings
twist the sharp bit in
walking meat, just things

count the numbers
then how many fingers?
is it full circle when
the big hand's at ten?

and the story ends
just as they all do
unsatisfying again.

Med Revue 2008 Dance =)

2008-08-19T16:07:00.002+12:00

No waiting for a whole year this time. haha! Med revue was quite fun this year, especially since there were more imus in the mix plus one random preston girl =P video taken by subha. guess who's who!

tada, kimi wo aishiteru

2008-08-05T23:54:00.001+12:00

This be my favourite movie now.

to be in love...

this is cherry

2008-08-03T14:40:00.004+12:00

This is Cherry. I met her at the charity play dance thing I recently did for a friend. I liked her so much I had to camwhore for a bit after the show. She actually got stolen recently but got bought back online from whoever stole it in the first place. Whoever it is should be shot.

And I do know that's not the way to hold a bass guitar

But I suppose even holding her like this, I'm not quite doing it right either =P

ugh

2008-07-28T23:10:00.003+12:00

the day just ended but it's starting all over again in too few hours.

rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. dance, work, play, work, dance, sleep when possible.

this reminds me of imu cup... minus the sports and minus the cheerleading. haha. but tossing in actual work in the salad as well. i miss the kecohppl... at least seeli's coming! in what appears to be just a few more hours. because tomorrow is the future present! okay, lamo supremo.

and the body picks the worst of times to start breaking down. i feel a sore throat coming on.

Freedom!

2008-07-24T01:31:00.002+12:00

finally after a long 6 months, freedom from nightly regime.

different dogs, same story

2008-07-20T21:50:00.002+12:00

just when it seems dogs might not all be the same/and the lull of quiet time/catches me off-guard/it proves itself wrong/again/dogs are all the same/even the ones with gentle eyes/even the ones that pray/it thinks/if it thinks/with a stick/

happy

2008-05-21T16:54:00.002+12:00

quiet routine is good. calm days without the unstable drama and a discontented spirit. i think i have become mostly content.

blind rage

2008-05-10T04:53:00.003+12:00

Snaking side-to-side to a beat
undulating curves in the dark,
skin tight black on black
on dirty sunshine locks.

it has no name,
but unknowingly provokes
a knot, an old knot
to twist, like that snake.

a pale skin stranger uncurls an
old blind rage within,
of a different face,
of a different body.

satisfying the craving

2008-05-05T21:16:00.002+12:00

every few months or so i get the urge to get a haircut =)

Left short side

Right long side

Front =)

Some place called Rodney Wayne this time. Again I am disappointed it wasn't funkier but it doesn't look bad. I do miss getting cuts from William. This time it was like wrestling for the cut I wanted... and I lost... haha. Hairdresser was adamant that if she cuts my hair any shorter it'll stick up... which is true... but she wouldn't bend to making my hair anything other than a bob. eck. so a bob it became. oh well. I figured if i wasn't going to get someone who was willing to do crazy i'd rather get a bob. i've had this haircut before though. i suppose i mustn't expect every hairdresser to be cool. so, i've satisfied the urge to get my hair cut... for another few months =D

hair addiction

2008-05-05T11:36:00.001+12:00

gonna go get my hair cut today! yay! =) hopefully it comes out good... second cut i've gotta pay for. haha.

Trip up to the Bay of Islands

2008-05-01T19:14:00.013+12:00

Finally an outing to blog about. haven't had enough happening things worth blogging about lately... or i'm becoming even more boring than i originally was. or i'm just more content with my situation enough to not need to pour out my heart to an audience =P

anyway...

the bunch of us roadtripped up north last weekend to the bay of islands, stayed at a backpackers and went horse riding, atv-ing, bussed up to the northern most point of new zealand and down the 90-mile beach (which is really about 60 miles but it was because cattle would travel along that beach and some sort of random calculation was done based to the the time the cows took to get from a to b) and then went on a super long cruise ride that took about 6hrs and half of us got sea-sick (including stephanie and it was also her birthday that day too. the poor thing)...

better pictures than words =)

Posing with the bus and cruise tickets... you will notice i have this blue cloth under my arm. this cloth i call my 'magic travelling cloth'. it doubles up as alot of things. i will demonstrate soon.

One of the coffee shops in Paihia as their trading hours sign

This is Zhi Yuen advertising for horse-riding

The people who went ATV-ing... i was too late for the photo =P

The people who went horse-riding with zhi yuen taking the photo

This is Khang Hee very pumped after the ATV ride with ATVs in the background and Zheng Taur and David trying to pretend they're not there

Again, notice the smug look

Me =) pretending to be a GT girl... haha!

In the Kauri tree forest walk. too bad it's kinda blur

Sui Ling displaying the cute kindergarten raincoat look

Me and a Kauri tree =)

For most of the day it was raining. This is Cape Reinga, northern most point of New Zealand. All we saw was a fog, rain and this lighthouse. haha.

Zhi Yuen handiwork. he's the resident surroundings photo taker

Wet as hell but we're still happy!

Crap views from the bus window. rained all day!

Zhi yuen's pic - Sand dunes we went sandboarding down.

Sandboarding... very scary at first but quite fun. although you get a mouthful of sand from screaming too much going down.

After the sandboarding. sandy and wet.

More of Zhi Yuen's pictures. 90-mile beach

The one good thing on the bus ride was this rainbow. the bus driver stopped to let us down to let us get some photos and then kept on driving in circles. otherwise the bus would've sunk in the sand and then we'd all be stranded and the bus would've been totaled.

BBQ at the backpackers. I stood around and took pictures while everyone else cooked. =P

The random girl in the bottom right of this pic is dorothy from hong kong. she stays in grafton hall so came along with wei yen and zhi yuen

This is Kari-Ann (nursing student from norway on exchange program who came with us) and these are the other random people from the backpackers we drank with. Jon, Andy, Steve and Shirley. They were in Paihia for the weekend for some sort of marathon. i thought that was funny.

Me and Kari-Ann

Wei Yen drank until tertidur on someone else's bed

And he finally woke up and joined us outside. (the outside seating area was supposed to be 'closed' at 11.30pm. the other people made so much noise that the owner came out at 4am and chased us to bed. i wasn't making much noise but i kena instead. stupid) and when we went to bed i woke up the whole room (we shared a dorm room thing with 8 people in one room, 3 of which were drinking and making noise coming back into bed. haha. jen xin wasn't very happy at all. =P)

Group photo on the cruise trip. 6hrs worth of bobbing up and down on open waters. 2 people got quite seasick and another 2 were quesy.

Wei Yen went to swim with the dolphins. khang hee and dorothy went too but they got shooed out of the water because they didn't look like strong swimmers. the crappiest bit was that they didn't get a refund. so remember, don't jump into open waters to swim with dolphin and pay for it when you know you can't swim very well. haha.

I took this photo. I'm particularly proud of it because i caught zhi yuen adjusting his hair. ehehe

On the boat... at this point it was more than halfway through the 6hr cruise and even i'm feeling somewhat quesy

Khang hee got quite sick. for most of the trip he had his head down a barf bag.

Wei yen, me, Kari-Ann and dorothy in front of the 'Hole in the Rock'... don't know why it's so fascinating also. it's just a hole, in a rock. =P

Stephanie got quite sick. and it was also her birthday. poor thing.

Here I am demonstrating my 'magic travelling cloth' can be a head scarf

Zhi Yuen's very postcard like photo of the island we stopped at

Here I am demonstrating my 'magic travelling cloth' can be a skirt

Group photo! =) It's so pretty there.

Here i am demonstrating that my 'magic travelling cloth' can also be a posing prop

uf, that was a lot. enough . it was a good trip =) a wee bit too short though.

claustrophobic

2008-04-13T20:43:00.003+12:00

grey brick walls threaten to crumble
not sure if i'm just where i'd like to be
hollow words echo

trapped, trapped, trapped

feeling trapped

isn't youth supposed to be when you're free...
where did that wind go
it's not carelessness that went

One year anniversary

2008-04-01T22:43:00.002+13:00

And then suddenly one year has passed... Happy One year Anniversary to me.

just like sitting on a bench you sat on so many moons ago

2008-03-13T15:13:00.002+13:00

just finished watching august rush. excellent movie.

having one of those monthly pms trips. it's not fair the female population has to be afflicted by hormones even when we are fully aware of it.

a little off center today. just thinking of how easily one could miss a whole different lifetime by a few seconds.

every passing smile reminds of the one i chose not to know

deep voices

2008-02-24T03:03:00.002+13:00

sudden fluster of dusting. of cleaning. cleaning out a room like cleaning out the heart, the soul. maybe we all just need some honest toil, to offset the excess emotions.

if only to cure this past year. i think it would be worth the time.

Affection

2008-02-21T13:43:00.002+13:00

summer calls for colours. for bare ankles and straw hats. sunglasses glinting in the bright light. summer calls for love, more than any other time of the year. when happiness seems to be in fashion, the right fashion. vulgar words, vulgar thoughts dissipate into the humid hot air. and even a dark hole fails to shelter shut kindness. seedlings of affection grow from between the concrete pavements of a dry disposition. somedays love is elusive. wet grains of sand that stick then fall through. but there is kindness. kindness and affection. at least then there are love's cousins. close enough.

Karma Police

2008-02-11T18:05:00.000+13:00

When you get hit by something that has a lifetime risk of 10-15% and a yearly risk of 0.08% you know the karma police is out to get you.

falling off the side of the earth

2008-01-22T20:04:00.000+13:00

it's been a while since i last blogged =P

holidays are over. uni started yesterday. what i've been up to...

working as a waitress. i realize serving food is rewarding (like bryan... haha) and that cooks are strange creatures and that there are similarities between them and surgeons. both swear like pirates and have short attention spans so you better get what they say the first time around everyone swears like a pirate and the f word is their version of 'lah'. one of my managers uses sweetie and the f word in the same sentence. more often than not your waiter/waitress/cook is cursing you while you're eating. especially when you're a picky eater who asks for no dressing/no onions/herb potatoes instead of fries/battered oysters when the menu says they're fresh/no watermelon in the fruit salad when the salads are premixed before the day starts.

but i enjoyed being a waitress. it's brainless repetitive work =)

christmas. we exchanged gifts. and i made a paper christmas tree from advertisement booklets. it turned out pretty good. i sang in choir at church. part of the time in chinese. half the time i wasn't sure what i was singing =P and i got an umbrella from phyo. that broke the first time i used it because the auckland wind likes to embarrass people on the street with umbrellas by turning them inside out.

my birthday. most of everyone was back home then. but it was a good time nonetheless. i got sneakers, some chocolate, a cute t-shirt and a photo album haha. and then we went clubbing.

i thought i had more to say but i guess not really. the new year started quite well and i spent my holidays very productively working and spending my own money. although at midnight when 2007 turned over to 2008 i was standing in the middle of queen street alone while everyone else was with friends and laughing and the fireworks were pop popping in the sky with the lights reflecting off the mirrored buildings. because everyone was either at home or working and i was walking home from work and couldn't get into the place they were working at. so new year's eve wasn't great although i spent it drinking with workmates at half price because we get staff price at the 4 clubs the owner of the restaurant i work at owns. (which is a pretty good staff perk =))

looking forward to going to Adelaide. if i still can go though... i miss kecohppl (even though i've practically disappeared from the kecohppl blog =P)

happy new year everyone =)

square heart

2007-12-09T23:11:00.000+13:00

i have no more words to pretend with.

where is the next?

and a whole year passes. oh how different it could've been.

more mistakes to regret a lifetime.

misdirection

2007-12-07T23:18:00.000+13:00

suddenly it feels as if i have no purpose.

fighting the bpd traits... must keep monsters in pandora's box.

the lines on my hands

2007-12-06T19:35:00.000+13:00

someone once said a long time ago, the many lines on your hands mean you will have many problems in your journey.

and so all i can do is sigh.

the year is almost over.

and things panned out the right way in unwanted circumstances.

won't be the first heart that you break/you won't be the last beautiful girl/the one that you wrecked, won't take you back/if you were the last beautiful girl in the world/

pre-exam blues

2007-11-23T17:48:00.000+13:00

Are you there, God? It's me, Marilyn.

Please let it be that everyone passes the exams.
Please let it be that the past year questions repeat
Please let it be that a sudden rush of information will rain on everyone
Please let it be that everything will be okay.

------------

everytime i go for exams i always picture myself dropping dead right at the door to the exam hall. and i have a sense of impending doom. oh no, oh no, oh no.

dissociation

2007-11-12T21:00:00.000+13:00

experiencing dissociative symptoms...

floating, not quite opaque, not quite here, not quite in focus.

i'm a study in borderline traits... makes remembering the dsm so much easier.

i need a holiday. and something more fulfilling. and i need to pass this bloody exam. at this rate i think i might just fail it...

i think i'm ready

2007-11-06T01:38:00.000+13:00

i think i'm ready now. that's at least good to know. the heart no longer does loop-the-loops and dreams no long plague. come to think of it i hardly have dreams now. must be all the books. if only i could study in my sleep. that would save alot of time. i miss the good times.

gp's over. 2 more weeks of ed

2007-11-03T09:58:00.000+13:00

i held a baby the other day. i've always been afraid of babies because they're so tiny and so vulnerable i feel i might corrupt them by just holding them. and i also keep thinking that they break easily. but the mom just said could you hold her please while the other kid gets seen.

couldn't say no, right...

everything so tiny and eyes so blue.

and a warm little quiet bundle in my arms. i can see why parents would want to protect the hell out of their kid. the world becomes so much more of a dangerous jungle.

i remember a moth flying into my room, one day, suddenly so long ago.

Bus thoughts

2007-10-26T21:10:00.001+13:00

I've been taking the bus to rural GP. It's a half an hour ride into the countryside where the buses only run by once every 2hrs or so and green as far as the eye can see. The crisp morning wind greets me each day as i make my way to the bus-stop for the 7.30am bus. early day bustle of people going to work and i keep wishing for the summer holidays to creep closer quicker (indeed they are because the days to prepare for exams are dissipating quick) then i sit at the stop imagine i'm waiting for everything else but the bus to rural GP =P

same load of kids get on the bus to school too. the girls have the shortest kilt-patterned skirts i have ever seen as school uniforms. the hems flip-flop so precariously i am always tempted to watch as they traipse down the bus steps because they invariably hop off, and the wind catches and flash of black. they have little short like things underneath but it's ever so wrong. schools should never have skirts that short. even with shorts underneath. don't label me pervert, you all would watch too, from the corner of your beady little eyes you little devils.

then half an hour passes by, i'm drowsy from being shaken way too early in the morning by a bus load of noisy kids. and off to GP i go.

the gp drove me out to the beach today. he really didn't have to but he thought i'd like to see a little more of waimauku. that's where the clinic is.

there was a nice looking green jacket

2007-10-21T22:42:00.001+13:00

and i didn't pounce.

what the hell is happening to me?

how do you write something away

2007-10-21T15:48:00.001+13:00

how do you write something away when it refuses to go? how do you remove the stain? the subconscious psyche says good morning to old marks every morning when every night you say good night and good riddance. days like this it would be nice to have an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind erasure. wouldn't they make a lot of money if it were ethically right.

i tried to read medically unrelated articles today. i learnt that there was once a movement for mail to be sent by rockets. and it was seriously considered until people realized rockets tend to blow up on landing... or rather crashing. and the guy who made it popular was exhiled to germany where he was from. poor mr. zucker. and then i read an article on rats. apparently there's a reserve here in new zealand devoid of rats as are the north and south poles and alberta, canada. apparently. the black rat we see is the rattus rattus. and it's smart enough to be trained to sniff out mines. imagine a whole lot of rats on a minefield sniffing out the bombs. and blowing up if unsuccessful. ew. robots could do that instead but trashed bombed up robots is deemed to be inhumane treatment. but doesn't inhumane mean mean to humans... not robots... people and their opinions.

and then it was the end of me reading totally unmedical articles. i have become wholly uninteresting because of being in medical school. this shouldn't be the case. what happened to me? i'm living in a very grey, very empty bubble of self-absorption with barely enough self to be self-absorbed about. and not being a teenager also means there's no longer an excuse to be obsessed with the unfairness of the world because it's all in the choices we make. it's really our own faults.

the missing part of the house needs to be rebuilt with something more concrete.

hungry dreams

2007-10-21T01:46:00.000+13:00

where is this thing that will satisfy? i feel a box brimful of hidden aggression with flashes of crashing glass and broken furniture strewn. a prepubertal mass of old habits has been thrown out of this house. but the old lady has her hands stuck with thick honey. the gooey lumps drip down her arms. making a mess on the immaculate marble floor. she thinks this is better than before, but, something is still missing. a large part of the house is missing.

release...

where is the release?

the monotony of it all

2007-10-14T18:26:00.000+13:00

pulling my hair out reading these notes. it's like cramming too much information into a tiny box. and everything keeps spilling back out and blowing away. and re-reading seems to make it all familiar but my tiny brain refuses to focus. there's a non-specific dull ringing at the core like a thick gong being struck incessantly, persistently calling for attention. to which i would like to attend to if only i knew what it wanted.

it's nearing the end of the year. end of the year. i thought that was the time of the year that would take too long to arrive. i guess in a way, it was. i'm in a new place but already i want to move somewhere else. i should be a nomad living out of a suitcase. maybe a travelling doctor. if i make it through med school and make enough money to roam the world. but that would mean having to be alone all the time. i'm not sure i can handle that just yet... although i spend alot of time not talking to people nowadays. but as you can read, i'm beginning to suffer from the effects of being a pseudo-recluse.

but i would go back to kl though. the place just reeks of home. although i was only there for 3 years and didn't know it before then. i would go back to the smog, the city lights, the swanky clubs, shopping malls that are actually malls, my frieeennndsss.maybe i will go back there even though i'd rather not take history in malay or chinese. haha. is this a low-grade homesick?

now i'm beginning to regret not booking a flight back to kl. damn. why oh why did i have such idealistic, unreasonable hopes? lessons, lessons.

i want a whirlwind to happen but i'm still not ready. it's beginning to annoy me, still not being ready. it's like being a gingerbread man on a pan, not allowed out of the oven, because the dough's not completely baked through... almost there but not quite. haha, i just likened myself to a gingerbread man =P maybe i'm just sick of the monotony.

wasting time

2007-10-12T20:11:00.000+13:00

writing about the sea-green dome building and the lake in the movie made me want to find a picture of it again. and because i've completely forgotten the name of the place, i spent a whole hour googling for it but couldn't find it. haha. ah well. it's actually a scene from a few movies that filmed in new york. like serendipity and autumn in new york and boys and girls i think. annoying!! argh! ah well. that's where i wanna go some day. funny ain't it? i wish to go sit in a boat in some lake with a big green dome above me. it's probably central park but for the life of me i can't find the name of the building. and i wanna go sit in the serendipity cafe too. and pretend to write my name and number on a five dollar bill. day dreaaammmiing....

trickle

2007-10-12T00:57:00.000+13:00

misty light and smokescreens. looking across a bathscape. steam rising off cold skin. many firsts have rolled over and slipped away. a hand slices the calm shiny surface. hits the smooth impersonal porcelain. she asks, what is it you want most?

a voice echoes back. for firsts to be firsts again. and for last looks to last. (it could be possible, couldn't it?)

trickle sink of driplet drops. gurgle of water disturbed. many last looks have faded grey, almost dirty white. too many firsts make all the rest repeats in a different light. she asks, where is it you want to go most?

small voices open up. to that place in the movies, with the lake and the rowboats and the summer sun. (some day a boy and a girl will take a boat ride under that big sea-green dome with the calm waters and the trees)

ring ding quiet sing. where, where is that, that, one earth shattering moment? where the heart skips a beat, no, many beats and feels almost a small bird in an even tinier cage, flitter fluttering. then time stops a moment that lasts just so long. and nothing else exists. a look, a word, a mutual feeling.

some days i think i've already had it and am thankful.

haven't mengada in front of camera for a long time d... =P

2007-10-07T04:17:00.000+13:00

sometimes you have to stand still to think about where you're going ;)

I like this photo! even though it's blurred. Mostly because we have to stand as still as we can in front of the camera for 15secs. As you can see, the other guys couldn't. haha!

timothy and i went to his friend's brother's 21st birthday party. yes, i am deprived enough to not mind attending parties like that =D it was interesting because it was a high school themed party with 'periods' for different 'classes' (meaning games) and every one was supposed to dress up obviously. and appropriately it was held at a hall that's adjacent to a library. very cute, i thought =P and this is my new schoolgirl outfit. =D

so there's carlton on the left, timothy, me and jun wei (whose brother turned 21 today). I miss the kecohppl girls. now have to mengada in front of camera with random people haha

velli the cool lah i think =D timothy's camera and camera skills =D happifying betul to be able to camwhore for a while =))

blither blather

2007-10-03T22:09:00.000+13:00

too many days have passed with me sitting in front of my computer incessantly trying to study while at the same time watching every new episode of every new season of every series imaginable. i think i've become a computer slug/forced bookworm. and the worst part is everything i read goes to naught but i remember what happens in the movies. that can't be good, right? oh my, oh me, oh what to do.

and man do i miss the kecohppl. the group just worked together. haha. ah well. haven't got a party together for such a long time. i miss my van wilder days. sometimes i think i only become sociable with a smather (or rather more) of wine in the bloodstream. lina knows what i'm talking about eh? =P

it's probably the extended period of sitting alone recluse in this room... still euthymic. just craving attention? don't really know. but i am surprised at how fast time flew by without me even noticing. the mess in my room is ever expanding again. hmmm. and i do feel like a robot doing the sleep, go lecture, eat, go lecture, home to study, eat, sleep routine.

these days i tend to just carry monologues on my blog instead of a proper conversation huh? yep, computer slug/bookworm. argh.

sleeeep, sleeeep... my bed calls to me. white sheets envelop me =P

happy anniversary

2007-09-30T01:14:00.000+12:00

happy 6 month anniversary to me

mood: euthymic

i don't really have anything else to say about that.

just another day at the office.

time really does fly by when you don't notice. it could've been so different. but that's all water under the bridge now.

i wonder what it'll be like another 6 months down the line.

suddenly i feel like there's not enough time. more birthdays coming up and more adult-like milestones to pass. i am kinda afraid of growing older. i don't think i'm stepping right enough times to not regret my youth. gotta work on that.

back to the books. i do so hate exams. been too reclusive these days.

bodily complaints

2007-09-21T22:01:00.000+12:00

haven't ranted for quite a while.

today i want to rant about headache. i had a headache in the afternoon and that put me out of commission for the rest of the day. man, a headache really knocks me off my feet.

and i still haven't figured out what my premonition was yet. i wonder if it's important. i have a feeling i don't really want to know.

waiting for the new season of grey's anatomy is taking forever. few more days till the 27th but still! it looks to be a very exciting start with meredith's sister in the hospital now too =D

got new craving... hmmm... something sweet, something liquid/icey, something fruity. i feel like having mango-lo... i wanna go ktz... hahah.

there's a strange feeling

2007-09-16T20:58:00.000+12:00

that something is wrong...

it's either the oestrogen or it's my spidey senses tingling. haha.

but seriously, there's a nagging feeling that something is wrong.

but what?

the last time i had a mystery craving i finally figured out it was for trail mix.

hope it's nothing big.

dream for an insomniac

2007-09-15T03:00:00.000+12:00

been having insomniac nights lately. good thing it's the holidays. it's probably pre-menstrual, all the hormones doing somersault mood swings. just gotta ride it out. and i get too wrapped up in tv series. especially the morose, melancholic kind. i think only girls understand how we sometimes just need a good cry to let the bad air out. although other people just run or box or work-out. i like to have a good cry. it's less energy consuming. and i don't have the stamina to run long enough to satisfy the letting out of bad airness. and being pre-menstrual never helps. haha.

i realize it's strange how the right answer is always 'go home'. when you can't decide whether something is good or bad. Go home. i adopt that philosophy nowadays. can't decide? just go home. home and into bed. a long time ago i loathed being mediocre, being just normal, being just like everyone else. now all i want is normality, routine, simplicity. maintaining the high is far too taxing.

time to try to get to bed. no bad dreams please... keep remembering only those nowadays.

301st post

2007-09-13T19:58:00.000+12:00

that's a lot of posts =)

was just watching the first episode of the first season of grey's anatomy. i find it strange i actually learn mnemonics from these tv shows. i learnt the wrist bones from scrubs and now the post-op fever causes one too. haha. wind (atelectasis), water (uti), wound (infection), walk (dvt/pe), wonder drugs (drug-induced). silly, ain't it? i've finally started studying. dermatology baby. haha. lots of papules, macules, pustules, and assorted rashes.

just felt like blogging. don't really have anything to blog about really. i'm not going back end of this year. funny how when i say i'm not going back i really mean kl rather than brunei. isn't home supposed to be the place where you grew up? i guess i grew up in kl. and just grew older in brunei. and it's sad but i've grown too far apart from my friends in brunei. although with some i can still go have coffee with and catch up even though we don't talk to each other for ages. that's good right?

i find nowadays that i'm constantly just searching for a human connection. sitting in a small room cooped up with a laptop and a progressively enlarging mess is one of the most depressing things in the world. albeit the technological miracle of the internet. e-mails and chatting just ain't the same as having a coffee or going out. i didn't need to state that... obvious. oooo lots of psychobabbling going on.

yes, back to the human connection. most days i miss having someone to love. there i said it. doesn't mean i'll go out and pick the first guy off the road but i do miss the feeling. everyone says but you have family and friends. love them. but it's really not the same, is it? then there comes the astronomically big question of does anyone really know what love is in the first place? do i know what it is? i like to think i finally do after all the mess i made... but the concept keeps changing and there are so many variables it becomes too complicated. so we fall back on quotes. quotes like 'love the one you're with', 'if you love him let him go', bla bla bla and then the one from the bible. i think the bible one's the closest to even defining it.

when i picture where i'm going now, the scene's a long promising road on a sunny day that's not too hot. isn't it funny how it's always a road analogy? we're all on a journey. and i'm being unusually optimistic nowadays. positive steps for positive outcomes. am having more good days than bad. good, no? for the girl who was chronically sad. and i do stress the was.

have good days everyone =) it pays to be happy =D and i babble so hee hee!

another dream

2007-09-12T23:26:00.001+12:00

i remember another dream...

i was standing at the top of a snow covered mountain. from the peak i could see a vast green land somewhere in which 'home' was. and 'home' felt like a person... but i couldn't see this just then because everything was teensy tiny like ants. a large shard of glass came crashing down from the cloudless sky. i looked up just in time to watch it crash right into me. then came a strange relief. the feeling of my chest split open by a large piece of glass seemed familiar. i stood there, staining the snow red.

and then stood in a room with windows facing the morning sunrise, staining the brown parquet red.

and then i saw a couple passing by... something pulls me through the window. crash goes the glass. glittery shatters of glass in the sun as i fallll.

why do all my dreams keep involving me falling down from somewhere =P

And this would be the video of my first time on the board

2007-09-11T22:45:00.000+12:00

yes, i was aiming straight for the little kid on her miniature kid skis. tried to kill a kid on the first try. haha =P so noob.

2 brown guys and 1 chinese boy

2007-09-11T19:32:00.000+12:00

Kevinjit, Kapil and I went snowboarding over the weekend. Technically, they went snowboarding. i just fell on my butt a lot. and with the beanie and sunglasses, i looked more like a substitute danny than a substitute nadia. haha. hence, 2 brown guys and a chinese boy. We were supposed to do two days of snowboarding but i came back from a girls' night out too drunk and just didn't want to budge after getting home. so we left in the morning instead. eeps!

This is me, posing with the board i didn't use that much =D

These are my knees. I spent the whole way there curled up comfortably in the back seat. We picked kevin up from boring ol'hilda ross with no internet and no sky tv and nothing to do. (he was very glad for the company... the poor thing)

This is kevin taking a leak. emergency oh.

Curled up comfortable ;)

This is my snowball =) We got to one side of the mountain round 1.30 so they said no point boarding today since only half day. Whakapapa (pronounced fakapapa)

So we went to play snow instead. Trying to play in the snow. haha.

Making a snow ball

Being pelted by snowball

I hadn't had my coffee for the first day. spent most of the day sleeping... haha... or wanting to sleep. good thing i figured that out for the next day and had my cuppa. Nothing had been booked. luckily we got a room at this place above a bar. the bar played good music but had a lopsided ratio of too many batangs to too few lubangs. kevin said it felt like a fight was going to break out soon. and everyone was white. haha. i was sleeping =P

The guys made the tuna sandwiches for lunch. We went to the other side of the mountain. some place called turoa.

Lunchtime

and made me clean up. haha. this is probably the only girly thing i did on the trip. i was a bum for most of the way =P

This is kevin in pain. hahah =P

I gave up trying to snowboard after a while. i was chicken + my tailbone was too painful. (mostly just chicken of falling down d lah)

What snowboarding trip is complete without the typical 'pose with my board on the mountain' shot.

And this would be my poser shot =D

And kapil's =P

And here I am sitting defeated on the side of the mountain but posing still

They snowboarded down and took the ski lift up. Taking the ski lift is scary man. I keep thinking the lift cabels will break and everyone will fall to their death. not like there's anything to hold on to when the thing's falling apart... sooo freaky.

And the last shot before we got back into the car and drove home =)

Yep, i think i had fun trying to snowboard =) at least i now have a beanie. haha. wouldn't mind going back again =D yay for the holidays! but boo for needing to study =P

holidays ahoy

2007-09-07T15:06:00.000+12:00

finally the holidays. i didn't realize how badly i needed a break until this week. just couldn't get myself to be interested in anything. i'm glad psychiatrists are laidback, relaxed people. what with all the craziness, the doctors can't be nuts too. haha. i can't be a psychiatrist. the delusions/hallucinations/depression/suicidal ideations/twisted upness of people drain me so. and i wasn't even the one who really needed to assess them. today i met a lady who thought fairies were invading her body so she could fly.

and some rest homes here are really posh... i had a few days in old people's mental health... i went to one the other day... got service apartments, little individual units and all... and activities and indoor pool some more. like resort lah. haha. but it's sad to see so many lost old people.

been having the usual ups and downs but i'd say i'm alot better these days =) i hope i'm outgrowing my borderline-ness. as far as i can tell it's going away. sleep a little disturbed, waking up a few times during the night but luckily able to fall back to sleep each time. radical acceptance makes a world of a difference to my psyche when it works. and it is working. yay for dbt!

drinks with lara and the rest tonight to celebrate end of run and start of holidays =) pictures if i do take any =D Yay for Holidays!

sleep hygiene

2007-08-31T23:15:00.000+12:00

it's important to sleep in the right conditions

darkness without lights on, comfort, no distractions, routine before sleeping, no stimulants like caffeine before sleep time. happiness. maybe a little warm milk before bed. and a hug =)

sleeping happy is important. falling asleep angry is almost like not sleeping at all.

and to consolidate memories. ah, memories. they haunt like the ghost of christmas past.

tonight i shall fall asleep happy. onward for tomorrow!

holidays soon... really can't wait for the end of this run. me no psychiatrist. that's for sure.

good night to all... sleep well... sleep like the dead who have no dreams... or have pleasant dreams... i seem to keep remembering the bad ones though... time for good dreams =) let only the good ones come true please.

dream a little dream

2007-08-30T17:42:00.000+12:00

someone was getting married. i didn't have a dress on but i could remember feeling the bustle and stress of getting ready for one... there was a cake, someone's white dress and flowers.

the groom came along and he was distressed because he was getting cold feet. the strange thing was that he looked like the guy from scrubs but was actually someone else in my head. he had a red sash, black suit and bow-tie. nowadays people in my dreams have faces. (they didn't use to... just a blank where the face should be).

suddenly i'm trying to climb through a window from a window-washer's scaffold... the kind those cleaners of skyscrapers have. i can see a wedding ceremony. the guests were seated and i think they were at the bit where people can object.

(the whole thing reminds me of my best friend's wedding really... haha)

but the scaffold ropes snap and i'm falling, falling, faaaalllliinnnggg into a moat full of snakes and crocodiles below.

then i wake up and the train was double plus late that day which made me late for the round. i hate that feeling of falling in nightmares.

discontent

2007-08-28T22:48:00.000+12:00

have you ever had the feeling of being dissatisfied but can't figure out what it is that you want/need/crave?

i can tell you that it's an annoying feeling. i've been suffering from discontentment for the whole night. it's not food or sleep because i've satisfied both in the background of this mystery craving. the basic needs of food, clothes and shelter are adequate (although no girl can have enough clothes, or shoes for that matter).

nor is it the need for socializing either. i have that too. hmmm...

ecks... i am left with just rambling on about it instead.

one cannot scratch the itch if one doesn't know what the itch is. itches should come with proper labels, feelings or sounds. people can get horribly confused about them. although i'm not confused really. just a tad bit irritated. and a maybe a teensy bit bored =D

can't wait for the end of this run... enough of the mad and the sad.

med ball 2007 =)

2007-08-26T12:08:00.001+12:00

Went to a ball last night =) it wasn't a ball like imu ball. no tables one. just alot of finger food and wine and beer and bubbly. and icky dj but it wasn't too bad overall =) good thing i asked beforehand what the 'ball' would be like here. so we all danced the night away and it was good. lara's house is nice. it faces the water and the balcony looks like a nice place to sit on a lazy afternoon and read. i'm using good and nice alot. haha =) some pictures for your viewing pleasure =P

Setareh, Lara and me

Me and my big arms, yunmi and lara at pre-ball (that was the first time i heard of a pre-ball. haha. i thought people usually had post-ball)

Lara and Imogen

Set, me, yunmi, lara and imogen

Ciaran... i have a thick neck in this one. haha.

Imogen, diana, tess, me - on the dance floor

Grrr... diana, noor, tess

I'm not sure who the girl in dark blue is...

Chester

This is actually after the ball ended - in front of the dj table thingy

Noor in royal blue

Diana =)

This is renus

This is sonia - she shoulda been in bollywood with the rest of us =P

Nikki is way tall...

sometimes people take group photos like this =D when everyone's not doing the same thing. haha.

Time to get back to reality and do some work. haha. 2 more weeks to holiday! but study holiday really. Thanks to timothy for lending me his camera =) otherwise half these photos would probably have been blurred if i'd used my old camera =D

Crying out love, in the center of the world

2007-08-22T16:49:00.000+12:00

i finally found that movie!

i saw it a long time ago playing on gsc international screens in midvalley. for a long time i was waiting to watch it with someone. then it ran it's course and something else was put up. but i'm watching it now =)

it's a jap movie with a chinese title i think that translates literally to standing at the centre of the world shouting out love. the chinese sounds so much better. it's veli veli mushy. about a guy who goes to school with this girl and they become friends and fall in love (d'oh) but she dies tragically of leukemia (how typical) and he's in the present going to marry someone but he goes back to his hometown and rehashes all the memories they had together. veli the corny but i like =D

movies on unrequited love are the saddest kind... but best to watch =P

Good days ahead

2007-08-21T23:31:00.000+12:00

=) yes as above =)

med ball coming up. good thing i still have my old dress to wear... although winter will probably blow it to shreds in the cold bitter wind that's been roaring the evenings. patterned muslin and silk somehow doesn't afford a satisfactory warmth. haha.

looking forward =)

uproot

2007-08-20T01:51:00.000+12:00

forget me as i you
to erase all hope and resentment
then should ever we meet
be different like stones
to learn from mistakes

so the one after would not suffer

i walk my path alone
treading the sandy beach, careful
not to stir the translucent crabs
i was so afraid of
i forget what that was like

so the one after shall not suffer

good night forces. i expect some lightning soon.

halo halo! international students dinner

2007-08-20T01:24:00.000+12:00

tak ade pictures coz me camera ran out of batt

haha. but then leh, in the end we just bum off the free wine and end up drinking on the patio of carlton house. haha. that was fun. university life of booze and good company =)

i think it's an improvement. no nutty rubbishy wallowing aside from the two days of the med revue. just a sad memory i can put at the back of my head and remember so that i don't do anything silly billy. F.L.A.T. hmmm i'm fine. i did the aversion therapy to make sure. the internet's an interesting resourceful thing.

when i say reboot there's usually a residual crap stuck on me i can't get rid off but now i think it's all over. which is good. time to move like the social jellyfish i am. i think i've finally figured out a good way to quickly reboot.

some pictures from the med revue

2007-08-19T13:39:00.000+12:00

Taking a group photo - Take 1

Taking a better group photo - take 2 - Bridget N right up front. second row l to r - Diana, Me, Bridget M (she did the hip hop part of the dance), Divya "token indian girl". back row - Tess, Noor "eva" Ali, YunMi. hidden way back - Lara.

Noor, Tess "classic siren look", Diana, Divya and yours truly

Me and Lara - The single girls

Me and Diana - girl with lotsa make-up equipment we all borrowed from. haha =P

Noor "the eva lookalike" and me trying to be indian

Max the Pirate, me and noor =)

Not quite ready group photo - drunker poses now, girls

Bridget, Me and Div (in her little girl uniform)

Moi, Diana and Lara

Layers upon layers of make-up, baby!

I think she likes me ;)

The mirror loves us =) as do we it.

All in all i think i did enjoy the med revue regardless. now i'm just waiting for the dvd of the thing to come out so i can put up the video. good job everyone! i had a great time teaching and performing the dance with everyone =)

all burnt out

2007-08-18T18:02:00.000+12:00

i'm fine now.

reboot done.

after party

2007-08-18T03:37:00.000+12:00

drunk for personal record of 10hours.

after party after the performance

don't remember anything

mission achieved

time to sleep

after party tonight

2007-08-17T17:52:00.001+12:00

be ready for the carnage

ouch

2007-08-16T22:18:00.001+12:00

med revue day 2

i danced drunk eh. it wasn't great to be onstage today. but it dulled the ache.

no butterflies, no adrenaline, no rush... just a bittersweet taste in my mouth. and the lights and the audience didn't exist. all i could hear were names, pictures and the awful twang of my red box.

and half the time i'm faraway from there.

amazing i didn't just forget all the moves. autopilot kicked in right on time. plastic smile and a pretend enthusiasm to mask. mask like the layers of make-up on my face. make-up i could tear to. bottled relief saved my part of the dance.

i'll be a drama queen if i want to be. no one to answer to right.

blitz litz tid bitz

the night swirls in a blur i don't want to remember.

i might not be crushed the same way but i am crushed.

tomorrow another day, another day and another day

ouch says the red box. ouch says the girl. and you deserve this you dumb *$&# says the man at the newspaper stand.

it was a good week while it lasted. day 5 tomorrow and the weekend. after party tomorrow. i suppose this is a good enough reason to 'celebrate'.

coutesy call

2007-08-16T16:24:00.000+12:00

squawk calls the morning crow
she says it's time to go
go on, go on, like you always do
nights quiet, quiet like ears filled with goo
green light of the traffic light
she says it's just another night
screech of the tyres on wet plight
sudden sound of a crushed white
and in that car a couple sits
voiceless, voiceless, desperate creeps
i think maybe she knows, she knows
dreams tells stories like ribbons make bows
slivers of a cigarette tail
he holds death in his hands like a nail
hammer ready to hit, hit, hit
red blood, oh bleed bleed bleed

she thinks maybe it's time, it's time. the bottled relief calls a name unholy. buzzkill begone. she just needs a little time-out.

acting out

2007-08-16T15:09:00.000+12:00

&%*$ the world

@!^# love

)*^? trying

!^@& change

@#%> chances

#*@( memories

you're @#($'ed when you know you can't even count on yourself. then what the hell are you left with?

Opening night tonight!

2007-08-15T16:51:00.000+12:00

adrenaline rush! i'm nervous and excited at the same time!

omg! adrenaline junkie eh.

just got back from psych and it was a good day although it started with having a yucky nightmare in the morning.

but,

opening night's tonight and it's great this adrenaline in the blood. i hope i don't forget any of the moves. everything needs to be autopilot so i can smile at the same time. haha. love it!!

look out for photos and the possibly a video! :))))))

going to the theatre

2007-08-12T16:49:00.001+12:00

The girls and I went to the theatre today to show the directors what we've got for the dance.

the theatre looks like the actor's studio one in bangsar so not so big.

we were bad. ahaha. dunno where to stand, dunno where to go after turning and dunno where to be after the transition between the two songs. haha. damn farnee. but the dance is coming together slowly =D two more days to opening night!! just gotta clean up the quick parts. good thing i know how to use audacity haha. can slow songs down and put together everything. haha. cut paste and change tempo so we don't look like we're spastic monkeys onstage.

everything painnnnn! but i'm loving it! =D i'm so excited!!!

dancing like there's no tomorrow

2007-08-11T19:13:00.001+12:00

hello world!

it is a good weekend. the hours are filled with repeating dance moves to be perfected by wednesday next week. it's exhilarating to dance again. although i must admit i'm old and my muscles ache and my back hurts after. but it's all worth the rush when the dance's all done up and we're all synchronized and the stage beckons. the histrionic in me wants a good show. i miss the adrenaline rush of going onstage for all to see and behold. haha... okay berdrama banyak. i've brought part of diwali night to auckland! hee hee!

so the med revue's on the 15th, 16th and 17th of august. we perform 3 nights to what is usually a sold out theatre. ticket proceeds go to charity =D i type as if we're the only performance. haha. it's really lots of skits and dances in a night. like friday night =) i miss the imu events.

cut hair d!

2007-08-08T21:22:00.000+12:00

after all the hype and excitement the hair cut not that great lah. haha. it's not bad. i got baby mohawk down the middle of my head but i'm covering that =P

Front =D

I like this side best

The other side

The back bits kinda hard to get on crappy webcam. and since it's not dyed, the "graduated disconnected" thing the lady did won't quite come up anyway. but i'm happy i got haircut =D FREE AGAIN! haha. went two years without paying for a single haircut! WUAHAHAHAH!

cutting hair tomorrow!!

2007-08-07T19:56:00.001+12:00

so i've been practising dance

it does wonders for the mood

and i'm cutting hair tomorrow!

watch this space for funky hair

hopefully it don't turn out bad... hee hee... always a risk with free hair cuts. hahahahahaha.

happified i am. yess yess.

=)

you can be a simpson too. haha

2007-08-05T14:20:00.000+12:00

This chapter, this page

2007-08-05T12:58:00.000+12:00

woke up to the smell of garlic today. the smell reminds me of home. or the idea of it. it reminds me of my auntie ade because her fingers always smelt of garlic. it never occurred to me that it was garlic and i'd associated it with home till i started chopping garlic too and holding up my fingers to my nose made me feel safe. the pungent scent of it would stick for days but i didn't mind. it was like carrying home in my hands. i have a clove of garlic in my room. when i really miss feeling at home i crush a bit of it and rub it into my fingers.

i found something that makes me happy. even for a little while. buttering a scone and eating it slowly. so english. haha. a little tea on the side is usually a good combination =D

it is somewhat disconcerting when i see a manic depressive who's more or less stable. all because they remind me of myself when i'm extremely upset. everyone who knows me well enough knows how hyperactive i get when i'm very sad. i use it to hide the black. the louder and friendlier and in your face i am, the lower my mood. until i burn myself out or until someone tries to crack the facade. which usually is paper thin. paint in the rain. erasable colour pencil mask. i keep thinking, i can make myself happy, i can make myself happy, it's not that hard, keep moving, keep talking, keep laughing... it'll click somewhere down the line.

or maybe that's just me being dramatic. again. =P

the old stories in my head are fading. it's like my head is trying to reformat.

must pass the weekend

2007-08-04T17:11:00.000+12:00

why does my head play loop tricks on me?

the red box feels a little bit drained, a little bit bled out.

time for an infusion of

clazee peepel

2007-08-02T18:11:00.000+12:00

had my first day in psych ward today

clazee peepel are interesting

the first patient in the morning was a borderline but then leh, she refuse to get up and refuse to even budge or respond when prodded and talked to. i was so looking forward to it. ears perked up when the registrar, oh ya, the first patient we'll see is a borderline. haha. ah well. we shall try again tomorrow. she remained that way for the whole day.

then we had an angry guy in the afternoon. he was kinda scary.

in other news, i'm doing some bollywood dance thing for the med revue which is the auckland version of friday night. woohoO! feels good to dance again. it does feel strange that people actually trust that i can dance. especially when they haven't actually seen any of my dancing. and i still am surprised when people listen to or are interested in joining dances with me. haha. the intimidating thing is that 3 of them have dance background and one of those three usually does the dances for their batch. at least i know they'll get the dance real quick and we'll be synchronized with little effort! YAY! Happifying betul!

from a long time ago...

2007-07-26T23:25:00.000+12:00

i didn't know this video was on youtube haha.

from the reminiscence imu ball...

gosh, i miss kl and i miss vista and i miss that time and i miss all that... haih...